Trying Trying Trying

Just a girl trying to get better. M │ she/her │ 31

[recoveryrambles]

[cloudvisualspew07x]

[agnes-nielsens]

it's okay for me to throw stones my house is made of much sturdier glass

[recoveryrambles]

I haven't done like an Actual actual personal post on here in months but random-ass after-therapy thoughts under the cut

we talked about how my default is "I had a great childhood!" when I most literally did not........ my brain is used to normalizing and selectively filtering to be like "my mom like to draw! my parents sang to me!" which fully ignores "my mom was supremely mentally ill with previously fully diagnosed panic disorder AND agoraphobia which she only treated at that point by her 80 year old freudian therapist (I shit you not, my mom was still speaking with this woman, who is well into her 90s, until last year ). Her only other source of emotional management was her daughter aka me! And she crossed a lot of boundaries about it! Which wasn't ideal at the time because of the whole abuse situation that happened when I was 6, and then the whole being diagnosed with cancer thing when I was 7, and then being in active cancer treatment for 3 straight years without guidance from aannnyyyyyyy of the adults in my life. And also it was pretty clear I was massively depressed and anxious by then. And then I coped with those feelings through a raging eating disorder that went unaddressed and untreated until I was 27 because my partner was a safe and supportive person and helped me realize things could be different."

legitimately writing that out feels ridiiiiiiculous because, logically, that's kind of a shitty childhood. But my brain is still like "BUT THE DRAWING AND SINGING THOUGH"

[shadow-von-vamp]

reblogging a post that says “do it scared” vs actually doing it scared

[tractorgoth]

[wordfather]

[freeze frame] yeah thats me. you're probably wondering how i got here. me too. i dont remember anything ever so i need to see this as much as you do [unfreeze frame]

[kosmogrl]

[bugshroom]

my mind palace is not up to code

[tombofnull]

Frog.

[woodwool]

severely deficient in whatever vitamin makes u a person

[girlfriendsinjeans]

[glowcowboy]

might fuck around and save my own life one day at a time

[oftlunarialmoon]

[recoveryrambles]

Yo, listen up, here's the story. About a little guy that lives in a blue world

[ottoillustrates]

today i just (remembers to maintain privacy online) did something really cool. you have to trust me

[gaytanic-panic]

[recoveryrambles]

non-body recovery things that have changed since I went back to treatment in March:

I'm more present

my hands stopped shaking

I can sleep through the night

no more constant sense of impending doom!

I can follow a conversation again

I'm doing deeper work in therapy

my therapist says I'm back to being insightful in sessions

I'm back to reading!

my blood doesn't feel like it's made of sludge

my creativity is back

significantly less rumination and circular thoughts

my general food variety has increased, and I'm more open to trying new things

I've been more able to advocate for myself at work

I've set and held boundaries with my parents

there are days where I have glimmers of joy -- like, over the weekend my partner and I played a board game with friends and I was just so giggly and content

turning my head no longer makes the world spin

my meds work so much better !!!!