So I sat with my boss, in the passenger seat of his car, and listened to him talk about his mother. She wasn't long for this world. "She's becoming... difficult to be around."
I nodded for a second, forgetting I was in a conversation. I was listening to music in one ear. You know, how it kind of feels like half your brain is full of pool water. Difficult to be around... how?
"Like... it's difficult to watch? Or like she's becoming abrasive?"
"She's becoming abrasive."
Outside, the sun had already gone down. We were driving through a wealthy neighborhood.
"She's just insistent that things are done her way. And she gets mean if not."
The houses were glowing with soffit-mounted holiday lights that cost more than my monthly salary. The lights conformed perfectly to the corners of each roof, so it was a very geometric kind of winter wonderland. It sort of felt like we were driving through a giant laser tag room.
"So what are you going to do?"
"Her husband is looking at a place. It seems nice, but she has to pass the screening. They won't let you in if you're showing symptoms."
"Why not? Isn't that the whole point?"
"No, you see, there's a special section of the facility specifically for dementia patients. The care is really good there. But it's so good that they can't let anybody in. Because then they'd get nothing but dementia patients, right?"
I didn't say anything. For a brief time, there was only music, music only I could hear.
Quand il me prend dans ses bras
Qu'il me parle tout bas
Je vois la vie en rose
"You know, the offer's still on the table, if you want to buy that truck from me."
"If I had two thousand dollars, I would," I snapped.
He seemed to flinch at my words. "... I mean, if you ever want to come over and mow our lawn again, I'd be happy to--"
"I'm twenty one years old. What's next, you want me to babysit for you too?"
He fell silent. His eyes remained on the road, shifting in the colorful lights.
He didn't explode, or hiss, or even tremble. In his silence, a pit started to form in my stomach. I closed my eyes and tried to turn off half of my brain, so that all I could hear was music.
C'est lui pour moi, moi pour lui dans la vie
Il me l'a dit, l'a juré pour la vie
Green and red. The lights blinked. The snow blushed.
I thought of his mom--lying flat on the ground. I don't know why I imagined her that way, lying flat. I thought of you, locked up all the way out in Colorado. Lying flat the same way.
What if I became abrasive? What if I forgot to care about you, and there was no way for me to ever love you again, not even enough to say goodbye?