A few of my friends are about to be parents. Here follows a list of things nobody told me when I first joined that club, and I really wish they had. All the lists that exist of this title are mostly for postpartum moms, and include such helpful tips as condom ice packs and allowing people to do your laundry for you. Nice, but kind of obvious. These were not.
1. The parenting starts instantly.
The first night you and your little one spend in the world, you are expected to do everything exactly the same as you will for the next couple months. Most hospitals will let the baby sleep in the mother’s recovery room (assuming no additional care is needed for the baby). In that first night, the kid will wake up with a diaper, wake up hungry, wake up for no reason, wake up scared to be in the air instead of the cozy nest it spent the last ten months occupying. Both parents have just been awake and stressing hard for a long time by that point, so this feels like the most unfair thing in the world.
What to do: the nursing staff is there for you. They will show you how to do everything, and will not think less of you for not knowing anything at all. If you really can’t handle waking up all night because hey, you just pushed out a baby and are fucking dead on your feet, ask if they can take the kid to nursery for a few hours. WARNING: in the American health care system, this option gets expensive fast. Also, they will give your baby formula if it wakes up hungry. Formula is a perfectly good alternative to breast milk, but if you have opinions on formula, know about that. And speaking of breasts–
2. Tits.
A mom who just gave birth is probably wondering why her breasts are hard as bocce balls and an extra two cup sizes larger, and oh God they hurt so much. The other parents might think they have never been more beautiful and immediately want to touch them, but do not do that. Touching will make them leak, and will hurt as if you had kicked her in a bruise. There even might be a few spots that feel like there’s a marble buried under the skin, and freak you out because you’ve been told to be on the lookout for Lumps in the breast for some years now.
What to do: This is all caused by breasts being full of milk. If the baby is feeding from the breast, keep feeding as often as you can, and the pressure will lessen as your body adjusts milk flow to requirements. Sometimes the baby can’t latch because the breast is too hard, in which case get out a breast pump and get some relief that way. If the Lump persists, it’s most likely a clogged milk duct, and you need to massage it while pumping or feeding, pushing towards the nipple. In the off hours, give it a warm or hot compress.
3. Welcome to Parent Island, population: you
It’s a sad fact that you are about to lose a lot of the connections you used to have. The friends that went out partying with you are going to lose you to early bedtime, and with money suddenly a little tighter than it was, you might need to take extra shifts at your work. At some point, someone is going to mention that they’re tired, and you are going to feel a deep, burning hatred for their definition of tired. The first week you come home with the kid, there will be so many people, but after that, dead silence. You are going to wonder where the hell your friends have gone.
What to do: re-connect with the friends you abandoned when they had kids of their own. Swallow your pride, apologize, and you’ll most likely find they’ve been waiting for your friendship this whole time. Take their advice, and find in them a sympathetic ear, because they really do understand what you’re going through. If you don’t know anyone with small children or they live too far away, make new friends. Pop the baby in the stroller and patrol your neighborhood until you spot another stroller, and pounce. Make that friend. This sounds overly forward to you now, but trust me, when you’ve been crying from loneliness for two days, have five different bodily fluids staining your shirt and you’re not really sure how long you’ve been wearing that shirt, you do not care about social niceties. And speaking of social norms–
4. Fuck heteronormativity.
Kids grow fast. We’re talking nearly unrecognizable month to month, and they will need to wear a shirt that fits. That will get expensive really quickly if you buy new every time, so scout out your local secondhand stores. If you limit yourself to only what’s traditionally approved colors for your baby’s assigned gender, you’re going to have a hard time.
What to do: get whatever fits, and stop caring about the details. Children grow so fast, there’s a solid chance that you’ll find stuff with the original tag still on, and if you pass up that gem because it’s pink or has Transformers on it, the only loser is you. Secondhand stores often do a “sale of the week” thing, find the baby stuff on that shelf and get it, even if it’s too big.
Those are the big ones. There’s a lot more, so here’s some bullet points to consider:
Babies don’t have working tear ducts for the first couple months, so they can get clogged and resemble an eye infection. Clean it a few times a day with a hot washcloth, it will clear up quickly.
This will be extremely trying on your relationship. Learn the self-awareness necessary to recognize what’s actually a problem and what’s an overwhelmed reaction.
Babies like movement more than almost anything. If the baby won’t stop crying, put it in a swing, or a bouncer with vibrate function, or carseat and go for a drive, or just walk around holding. It gets exhausting, but it works.
Baby fingernails grow weirdly fast, and square, so they will cut up their own face or yours without meaning to. Try to keep them trimmed, though that is a scary experience.
Strangers will continue to be rude about personal space, only now they will want to hold or touch the baby. These are the same people who wanted to pat the pregnant belly without asking.
Remove baby’s toe lint before putting them in the bath water.
Open diaper, close it again after a second, wait thirty seconds, then change it. Cold air is where pee comes from.
You will fuck up. Maybe you nip the finger while trimming the nails, maybe you drop the last bottle of formula and have to take a screaming kid to the store, maybe you don’t realize that you’ve said something really hurtful until the person you’re speaking to says so. It’s going to happen at some point, and it’s important to remember: it’s going to be okay.
There will be curveballs nobody can warn you about. No really, it’s going to be okay.
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