My sadness hour blog + vent

I'm blue da ba dee da ba die~ I also have MaDD, with no time for bullshit nor not-shit

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Good side of MaDD?

I don't have time for other mental issues 🙂

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Ok so they have no idea I like them /too/ but I literally don't know them enough and wth

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I just hope I'll like someone again.

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I shouldn't invest in people emotionally. Not anymore. When I don't, I don't get hurt.

Cause if I do, I get those small moments of happiness, just to get crashed a little later.

And it's always been like that.

[everythingisredisetitonfire]

I really... I don't think it's a lot. I'm not a lot.

I just wanna trust someone, I'm so tired

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I don't even want a partner. I just want someone, anyone... That I could trust with my feelings.

Just trust with my feelings, is that really too much...?

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I'm gonna make it.

I always do.

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It's just a little sad... I never really got sad about your absence. You just weren't there and that was my normal.

I just sometimes cry that you don't care.

But I'm used to this, aren't I?

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How can the daughter be dad's princess if the father is barely there?

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It's just that... He's absent. He never made sure I remember I have a dad, I don't even remember that in fact both of my parents exist.

He calls sometimes or answers when I need help.

He promised we'd go to the cinema.

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Yeah so I don't like people generally, and how r u

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Apparently "occasionally" isn't a good answer to "do you have a father"

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Do you ever completely cross something out just because you couldn't handle it on your own? Even if it was awfully simple, but unknown to you. You asked for help and didn't get it, you tried something on your own and failed, and just gave up completely. Because those small things are often too much.

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Okay but what put me in the state where there's literally no one I could actually rely on but me?

There's literally no person who'll cheer me up or give me advice when I screw up. Or when I need something or I'm simply not sure.

How come I can't trust anyone?

I'm so young, I don't understand why I feel those things and how to deal with them. Or how to deal with some situations, I still have to learn so much. And I'm always expected to know everything and most of the time can't ask for help.

There's no one who'll at least try.

I have no authority. I wish I did though.

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To survive in this world, you gotta pretend how to ask. But even that is often not enough.

It's hard to be happy.

You forget who you are. Because you learnt how to act and you're happier. But how do you know if it's you?

How?

[everythingisredisetitonfire]

I don't hide anything and yet I feel like I'm not letting anyone close

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My irrational hatred for hiring photographers on your birthday is huge. There's nothing I hate more than being in pictures, so imagine how much I wanna vanish from this realm when I'm aware there's some rando who might record any of my mistakes + I look horrible in pictures.

A few hours in such makes my anxiety go woooosh, and all I wanna do is scream and preferably break something.