A Suspiciously Evil Looking Advisor

"It looks human, certainly, but there's something off about it," "You mean how it smiles too widely and all of its advice seems to somehow suggest horrible violence?" "Yeah that, and the teeth," "ah yeah the teeth, yeah,"

[evil-looking-advisor]

Their advisors are bribing people and spreading secrets.

I am directly behind your seat at the council table, eating roasted peanuts, shell and all, quite loudly.

We are not the same.

[64mpg]

something is going to have to go well soon. this is a threat

[evil-looking-advisor]

My liege I suggest doing murder about it. Tactful, artful murder if you will. There's a few names the world would be better off forgetting in my opinion. I have a list if you'd like to see it.

[contemptible-scoundrel]

THE MOST ANNOYING POSTER ALIVE: everyone thinks the bible is like some boring nonsense but its actually has some really Badass Sh*t if you actually read it #and its like. Not a Good Sign that no one is reading it anymore #swearing

THE LAST BRONY: trixie best pone

PUPPYPLAY ACCOUNT (out of ideas): when you suck her penis. and you're a dog

SKELETON MERCHANT: I've got some wares that'll rattle your bones! if you've got the coin, that is.

[evil-looking-advisor]

THE EVIL-LOOKING ADVISOR: my liege I think you should wear crop tops more often

[kinda-pushy-fem]

Hmmm... As a princess, I need to know more about being a princess. If my dear subjects could please share some princess facts, that'd be greatly appreciated!

[evil-looking-advisor]

While I'm not sure what your subjects may say, my liege, I've a few words of advice if you'd hear them.

Princesses typically are suited for front of the line combat, often wielding a Greatshield and a large flail or a warhammer. Some princesses prefer pikes or halberds, but a warhammer is one of the more effective weapons in my opinion. It is important to keep your princess well supported with a healer, such as a thaumaturge, but failing any healing specialists I would suggest an arquebusier or perhaps a particularly skilled archer, with a short bow of some sort.

And be sure to feed your princess body well. Can't fight on an empty stomach.

[partlysmith]

[drcuriousvii]

now the healing can begin.

[evilwizard]

oh god i just realized ive been posting on corporeal tumblr this whole time 🤦

[evil-looking-advisor]

A classic blunder, my liege, nothing to be embarrassed about.

On a separate note, the Homunculus seems to have escaped again. It brought a pack of xl condoms this time so I'm not too concerned with pregnant kings, but be so kind as to notify me, should you happen upon it.

[medievaljournalist]

maybe if we throw a wizard at the enemy with our trebuchet something amazing will happen

[evil-looking-advisor]

I say we find out, my liege. I'm sure the wizard council would lend us an intern for just such an experiment.

[importantpics]

[sistersorrow]

Listening to my evil advisor

[inthefallofasparrow]

let's corrupt mama

[crabanarchy]

I can tell my evil advisor has been feeling down lately so I've been pretending to take big sips from his cursed chalice and then roaming the palace grounds groaning and clutching my abdomen. Lowkey I know it's deceptive but I can tell it's really cheering him up. I heard him evilly cackle for the first time in weeks. WIBTA if I keep doing this

[xzye-trelefor]

@evil-looking-advisor your thoughts?

[evil-looking-advisor]

I actually advised another royal on a very similar situation recently, my liege. I would suggest filling the cursed chalice with a tea made of dandelions for added realism. They function as a mild laxative, my liege, so repeated trips to the lavatory may make the facade seem convincing. At least until your advisor can find another scheme to fill his time.

[crabanarchy]

I can tell my evil advisor has been feeling down lately so I've been pretending to take big sips from his cursed chalice and then roaming the palace grounds groaning and clutching my abdomen. Lowkey I know it's deceptive but I can tell it's really cheering him up. I heard him evilly cackle for the first time in weeks. WIBTA if I keep doing this

[crabanarchy]

UPDATE: I think I may have gone too far on this. I was making a whole production of being stupefied and enfeebled after he brought me my morning pistachio frappe. I had my manservant bring me to my chambers so I could cough weakly in my bed with the sunshine falling weakly across my pallid face because I know he really likes that but he didn't even smile and I heard him whispering "I didn't even poison that one" to his dark serpent. Now he hasn't even whispered maliciously into my ear all day and the servants say they saw him alone in his chambers bouncing his scrying orb into the wall. Should I come clean and apologise or do I try to make it seem like someone else poisoned me? It might cheer him up to have an imaginary rival to plot against

[evil-looking-advisor]

I would suggest making it seem like someone else poisoned you, my liege. We do enjoy an antagonist now and then.

[queer-here-and-in-fear]

im so bad at flirting with girls sometimes..

[evil-looking-advisor]

My liege, have you tried complimenting how they carry their swords? I've seen many members of the court secure themselves a lady by complimenting their swordplay.

[evil-looking-advisor]

Dear Mr Evilad Visor, we're not sorry, but your mail had been sent to Mr King instead of Mr Evilwi Zard. Without any sorry, royal post office.

Typical. I knew I should have switched to all digital mail by this point. Luckily the only thing I get in the mail anymore is Newts-R-Us newtsletters.

[evil-looking-advisor]

would you advise me (a wizard who specializes in the sky) to choose the sun amulet, or the moon amulet?

Well to be honest, my liege, the sun has far more impact on the sky than the moon. Granted, they're both up there, but the sun definitely has a greater impact on the sky.

Were you an ocean mage, my liege, id suggest the moon, but being a sky mage, I suggest the sun.

[asleepinglaurel]

thank you, advisor! For your efforts, I give you a quarter and a pair of (new) funky socks!

[evil-looking-advisor]

[evil-looking-advisor]

would you advise me (a wizard who specializes in the sky) to choose the sun amulet, or the moon amulet?

Well to be honest, my liege, the sun has far more impact on the sky than the moon. Granted, they're both up there, but the sun definitely has a greater impact on the sky.

Were you an ocean mage, my liege, id suggest the moon, but being a sky mage, I suggest the sun.

[suigintou]

i bet it feels good as fuck to erupt from the soil as a skeleton warrior

[drinksomefuckingwater]

drink some fucking water

[squigglebug]

I know this has been said so many times in so many words but it is never any less infuriating that we never seem to have basic social services money but we always have fucking war crime money

[squigglebug]

fucking evergreen post I guess