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hi! hiiiihi hi hi.... !! [plops down onto the ground >_<]

so i have 0 expectations that anyone who's regularly interacted w/ me will see this post considering its nearly about 1 year since ive put anythin here... but here we go

my reasons for not bein active anymore:

1. i don't think my 'circle' was ideal. i regret being so public and personal abt myself and my issues, and i worry about being taken advantage of because of what ive put here. this is related to how certain people reacted to the stop Asian hate movement. my trust has deteriorated for most of my (usually white) mutuals. this isn't 100% their fault if it's kinda ingrained by society and i understand that i could've told them what they did wrong, but i reasonably felt discouraged from posting nonetheless. it's about my own wellbeing and wanting to preserve it by adjusting how i use the internet. 2. related to the 1st point, i dislike the tumblr culture of judging ppl based on how "problematic" their tastes are. there's nuances to it, it's not a black or white "hey that person watches [x] show so they're an abuse apologist" like. watching a show..... isn't abusing people. lmao. it waters down the definition of abuse by applying it to things that are so, so far removed from actual abuse. this way of framing things is more of a control tactic to make ppl go "oh shit ! id be a morally bankrupt person to watch [x] show!" and make them feel bad about something that, obviously, isn't going to make someone a bad person. just watching or "consuming" media isn't a moral compass. in other words someone consuming only pure or innocent media isn't necessarily going to be a pure or innocent person. ik some mutuals would be fuckin livid to acknowledge that. maybe make a callout even. :3 3. Fucking Hate What I Did To This Blog. i have some good memories yes... some kind and fun interactions... and i def love some things that i did or posted. but i lost my genuine spark. related to the last 2 points, i downplayed myself bc i was worried of what ppl would do to me. cuz it's not enough to be imperfect and make mistakes, oh nooo... if u make 1 mistake it can be used as ammo against u for being too uh human i guess! i dislike how much tiptoeing i had to do. i couldn't just trust the kindness given to me bc these ppl aren't likely to go "headsup [x] thing u did was kinda iffy and here's why". they're likely to take a mistake and go "you're you're a 100% always iffy person because you did [x harmless-to-real-people thing one time]". genuine communication is out the window when ppl decide passive aggressive drama's more funnnn so yea ! im honestly still nervous to post smth like this bc trust issues and all but i figure it's better to give a final say instead of leaving ppl to wonder wtf happened lol OK negative things aside... here's some stuff that's happened to me lately! 1. transfered to a new school. it's uh hard as all hell :T but i can bear with it..... so far. (actually it's my 1st week so it's only getting harder from here on out >:T) 2. ive started watching hxh and aaaah! ITS SO FUN!!! i love the huntercyclopedia most of all just wowie its so like good natured and warm, does that make sense??? i like the it ... But. Hm I think I have kinfeels for a problematic character . that character being. illumi Still not over it. im still here going HUH WHUH WHAT WHY bc i barely know Anything about him so far (stuck in the looong chimera arc rn). and yet some glimpse of mems / kinfeels... huhhh. i don't see why him either since he's not really reminiscent of my other kintypes nor of myself... guess that's how kin works tho? UHm i know that he'll do / has done some dark things, though i don't know the specifics. instead of tugging at my hair letting myself get caught up in the anxiety of questioning illumi ive decided to lean into it. like yeah it's just kin stuff, whether I kin or not it's not like im doing anything to harm people irl. whatev 3. ive actually got other socials for myself. they've been getting much more engagement in 8 months than i ever did on here for 3 years. it's bc im not trying to tiptoe anymore. i trust those ppl will tell me if i did smth wrong or harmful. i love it there :3 i feel at ease... and i doubt ill tell anyone those accounts on here. im saying it to show that hey i don't need to tiptoe to

theconcealedweapon

If you really care about preventing government tyranny, your #1 priority must be making sure criminals have rights.

And that's not a joke or an exaggeration.

If criminals don't have rights, then all the government has to do is find some excuse to label people as criminals, and those people will no longer have rights. It's what literally every tyrannical government in all of history has done.

If you believe that people who break the law should forfeit their rights, you're literally as pro-tyranny as a person can get.

#^^^^^

bulbabushka

Pretend ur invasive self hating thoughts r being said to u by a 13 y/o boy on xbox live trying to get a rise out of you like “Your girlfriend dumped you because you’re ugly” that’s nice tim isn’t it past ur bedtime

hellfucingshitfuck-deactivated2

also, if you have intrusive violent thoughts, pretend they’re being said to u by an annoying backseat driver

“drive into that pole” thanks karen or i could not do that

emmmpty

Perfect

the-neon-pineapple

you can also pretend that the Super Paranoid thoughts are being said by that conspiracy theorist in your history class

“maybe they poisoned you” maybe you should fuck off, geoffrey-with-a-g

venusian--eye-deactivated201606

OHH MAN I DO THIS SHIT EVERY DAY

dapperpea

My favorite for intrusive anxious thoughts is to pretend Spock’s behind you with an answer.

“did I lock the door-”

captain you have locked the door every day for over ten years, and it is very hard for most people to break even subconscious habits, so you most definitely locked the door

zetsubonna

I told my new psychiatrist about how I learned this from y'all and his eyes lit up. He didn’t smile but he did nod a whole bunch of times, it was great.

merelyimmortal

I like to pretend that my intrusive thoughts are being said to me by a super uptight religious white lady

“god hates you because you don’t believe in him” “your failures are too great to be forgiven by anyone” “everything you do is wrong and you are going to burn in hell”

thanks for the input brenda but fuck right off

thatoneqprblog-blog

I would just like to say that I love you all for this idea.

#long post #nice!

absoluteconceptofbeauty

when i start saying weird shit to you thats the equivalent of a cat exposing its tummy

#mecore

997

me when i get a taste of my own personality thru someone else: GOD i can not STAND them

#nix evil moments

boldembrace

That which shields me, reveal thy name.

#🌸#natsume yuujinchou

sharkodactyl

what is the monster narrative?

can you believe this is pretty much the first time i’ve ever been asked this?

i summarize the monster narrative on my about page: what is the monster? why is it a monster? does it regret being a monster? does it love being a monster?

and so to me the monster narrative is any story that revolves around monstrosity, often falling under one of those questions and using at least one of them to build a more specific story off of that.

what is the monster?

does something Happen to someone that makes them a monster? are monsters born? are they made? do we need an explanation? is your story about finding an explanation for the monster, or is it about discovering the monster in the first place? is this alien – is the monster always in the shadows, lurking through the whole movie, are you holding your breath and watching the flick of tail and the shine of teeth? is one of your characters the monster? does someone have to be the monster? is there always a monster?

and what is the monster? is the monster a literal beast, teeth and claws and the growl in the pit of the throat? is the monster just the Other, the thing that Is Not You? is the monster a villain, and why is that villain a monster, and is there a difference between villains and monsters? are you the monster? is the monster every part of yourself that you do not want to be?

why is it a monster?

what makes characters monsters? this ties into the initial point: does something have to Happen, in order to make a monster? are you seeking an explanation? why are you doing that? why are we so eager to find our monsters? did you make your own monster? are you desperate to find a monster that makes you into the Not Monster? why is that?

is your story going back into the monster-past and unraveling the monster? is your story confronting prior assumptions? is your story exploring the monstrosity that is a part of all of us? is this the 100 – do we all have a monster inside of us, and are we all responsible for what it does when we let it out? why, why is it a monster?

does it regret being a monster?

is the story about a monster trying to change – because of love, because of self-love, because of remorse? does it keep hurting anyways? can it not change? why? can it change? why? what caused the regret in the first place? was it a person? what makes this person different, really?

can monsters change? are they always doomed to be the things they were? let’s step back: what is the monster? why is it that once you call something a monster, it can never be anything else? why are we not allowed to be anything but the people we were? are we giving the monster another chance? why are we doing that?

if it regrets, if it changes, if it grows: what now? does it have nightmares? does it wake up in the mornings with aching teeth? is change easy, one step, or every time it sees a knife does it ache? what is it, now that it is Not A Monster? or is it a monster still? are you always a monster? are you just a better one, now? or is this beauty and the beast – once loved, do your fur and claws and teeth melt away like they were never there?

is it enough? is it enough? is it enough?

does it love being a monster?

why choose monstrosity over other things? does love hurt too much? does love not hurt enough? is this what the monster thinks will get it love? has it never wanted love? why? why do we build our monster-stories around love, anyways?

what makes monstrosity feel good? what problem does it solve? why does it love being a monster? why does it love being a monster?

or, in short: the monster narrative is a story about a monster. here is the river, and here is the box, and here are the monsters we put in the box to test our strength against. monster stories are necessary stories. monster stories tell us things about ourselves, and our monsters, and we who are our monsters. and i love every single permutation of them, teeth and all.

To restate it–my general theory of history (ok, it’s more like my general hunch of history)–is that all apparent social progress is made as our civilization gets better at processing its trauma, bc cycles of violence/trauma/childrearing (and the normalization of these things) largely explain why the past so often seems so inhumanly violent to us–public executions, chattel slavery, massacres, etc, etc.

And there are people in this day and age who nonetheless glorify those days–the thing that got me reading acoup’s series on Sparta was his series on the Fremen Mirage, the illusion (delusion?) so often received in pop-history and in books like Starship Troopers that there’s this distinction between ““““decadent”““ non-militarized, peaceful societies and “morally pure” societies (militarily strong societies, i.e., societies that have value bc they are good at generating and exporting violence)

And–and I’m just spitballing here, I have very little evidence to back this up–I suspect that if you scratch contemporary subcultures where that kind of idolization of a militarized past occurs, where the atrocities–not even the atrocities in service of some cause, just the senseless, pointless, stupid violence–of societies like Rome and Sparta get brushed under the rug, you will find subcultures where people are much more traumatized than elsewhere by abusive, authoritarian, and outright violent upbringings, where the correlation of “authority figure” and “source of shame and pain” is much, much tighter.

Because if you are raised in, or still live in, a shitty, abusive environment, there are two ways you can deal with this: either you can say, this is awful, this is monstrous, no one should have to live like this (and if you do, so much the worse if the whole world is like that, or if it feels like the whole world is like that, because it is painful indeed to look at the world and think ‘oh my, it is full of pain and injustice and there is nothing I can do about it’), or “well, there’s a reason for all this misery.” The reason is ‘because it makes us stronger.’ Or the reason is ‘because it makes us more morally pure.’ Or the reason is ‘because God (or Lycurgus, or Odin, or the Emperor) commanded it.’ Sometimes–at least for some people–the worst possible outcome is that your suffering would have no meaning. It’s not just “well, I had to endure this, so why shouldn’t they?” Or rather, it is, but the core of that sentiment is, “how come I had to suffer?” and the desperate hope that, well, as long as other people are suffering, too, your suffering must have some kind of meaning. That’s Just The Way The World Is, After All. What’s the other possibility? You got fucked over, for no reason?

Sometimes when I’m reading about history, especially in its grimmer parts, I have this momentary feeling–not much more than a fleeting mental image, really. It’s an image of every human being since the dawn of time, as the tiny child we all once were at some stage, groping desperately in the dark for a way to understand the world we were dumped into. But we’re all, in one way or another, still one of those tiny children, with all that entails: a deep deficiency of understanding, a certain inescapable impatience and hotheadedness, cooperative creatures which nonetheless have a terrible fear of pain. In such a world, it feels like the only reasonable response is to try to cultivate a neverending source of compassion within oneself, to try to be as patient as possible with others, who are often just as alone and afraid as we are. After all, it’s what I hope they would do for me.

star-anise

As a trauma therapist and armchair historian I’ll endorse this and add a bit more.

The trauma response, to overgeneralize wildly, is the nervous system’s attempt to optimize for survival in a dangerous environment. It prioritizes short-term thinking, violent responses, and narrowed focus. And to do this, it yanks priority and resources away from other kinds of neural activity.

There are a lot of things traumatized people are just better at neurologically than non-traumatized people. Things like staying alert and ignoring certain sensuous temptations and being the first to see physical danger. But there’s a lot that, on average, they’re worse at, too.

Specifically, everything considered “decadent”. In general terms across a population, we aee that trauma weakens the brain’s ability to relax, to have fun, to sleep deeply. To tell stories that aren’t just static recreations of trauma, to create social bonds that aren’t directly trauma-related. To think about the future and abstract thoughts. To use language and the imagination. To find pleasure in ordinary things, like food or art. Even, in extremis, trauma takes away the ability for music, dance, and basic social cohesion.

It’s so hard to tell PTSD and ADHD apart because they can both reflect a nervous system chronically deprived of reward chemicals like dopamine, and therefore an inability to invest in ordinary life unless something the brain has been traught to sit up and listen happens. Therefore, an inability to do schoolwork until a deadline is imminent; therefore, an inability to be entertained, except by bloodsport.

This is why the arts and sports are so essential to trauma resilience. Why there are so many after school programs for kids in violent neighborhoods to paint or act or play basketball or soccer. Wy drumming and dancing are so important to a lot of cultures’ self-reclamation. These things speak on the nonverbal level that trauma does, but they basically turn the tables, forcing the brain to redirect resources from basic survival to focus on learning the steps to a dance or the words of a song, to noticing your teammates or holding stull until the whistle goes. They reverse the traumatic hijacking.

Which makes me think of movements like the chivalry of the European High Middle Ages. The knightly class were defined by their military service; they were given a state monopoly on certain kinds of violence, and they used it to terrible effect. “Gentleman” comes from gens, the Latin word for “type” or “family”. Originally all it meant was that someone had aristocratic lineage.

So the move to define “chivalry” and “gentility” as people who can violent but also sing, dance, recite poetry, love people they will never fuck, care about abstract laws, and respect non-combatants strikes me as an example of people trying to row against a maelstrom. Society deliberately employing things that fought against the disorganizing effects of trauma and worked to keep their armies, in effect, more humane.

Anyway. I think you’re onto something.

#long post #save #i read the op so later ill read the reply. rn it sounds fascinating

real-uwu-hours

I think a lot of people don’t understand how the internalized ableism of people with cluster B personality disorders is often a self fulling prophecy. People don’t realize how badly being told you’re an abuser or murderer your whole life fucks you up.

The onset of these disorders is usually early-mid teen years, when you’re really starting to figure yourself out. Even if you don’t know these disorders Exist, there’s still tons of media and pop culture that will tell you that certain traits you possess make you a Sociopath, and sociopaths are evil and irredeemable. Your peers also receive these messages, so they won’t be afraid to point out when you’re showing these traits. You start forming a picture in your mind of the kind of person you are, BASED AROUND THE SOCIOPATH CARICATURE. And it doesn’t help that it’s common for cluster Bs to have an unstable sense of self, so we often just performatively fit ourselves into this mold that society force fed us without realizing it.

And if you Do know about these disorders, how do you think it makes a kid feel to look up their symptoms to try to learn what’s wrong with you and see all this shit about how abusive and dangerous you are. A kid who is trying to figure out what’s wrong with them and sees that the answer is that they’re destined to become an abuser or murderer. I’d be willing to bet this is a nearly universal experience we’ve all had. This shit Fucks Us Up. You literally cannot understand how damaging this is unless you’ve lived it, honestly I can’t even describe how traumatizing it can be.

This is why so many of us go through fazes of being super edgy or cruel. This is why so many young people make ASPD or NPD blogs with gore and text posts about how everyone else is a waste of space and you only serve yourself and whatever else. This is why so many young people make BPD blogs that are just ‘yandere’ shit. I know empaths are gonna start talking about how ‘that’s not an excuse’ but if you’re told from a young age that you are irredeemably evil and you will always be an abuser and a monster, literally what do you think is gonna happen? You expect that person to turn out fine??? Hell no! We’re all fucked up because of this shit! We all genuinely believe we’re dangerous, as if the inherit self destructiveness of these disorders weren’t enough. YOU are the ones pushing this shit into vulernable young people’s heads! I always say the sociopath caricature isn’t real, but young people will continue to emulate it as long as you people refuse to take accountability for the harmful shit you push. Do better.

#long post #ableism #gore mention