Being raised in the abuse means the dynamics in the home changed for your rapidly. One moment everything could be okay, you could be just tending to your own business, playing or doing homework or even hanging out and cracking jokes, and then within that same day, without you doing anything to cause it, there can be screaming, death threats, you running for safety in your room, trying to argue back but being shut down, obscenities being thrown into your face, you blamed for the entire thing. Or, you could be outside with your family enjoying a field trip and everything is fine and everyone's in a good mood, and then later in the car every adult is screaming, throwing blame, exploding with rage and bitterness and you quiet down hyper aware that all of this can be turned against you in a second.
After a while you can predict when things are likely going to go bad, but you can't control it. It's never you who decides to start the drama, you're always doing your best to make it safe and calm again, to get to that place where maybe someone was talking to you in a normal tone of voice or said something funny that made you laugh. You need that reality to be true, you need that normal. You do everything in your power to keep it consistent, but it seems that any minor inconvenience, any kind of event, any little irritation and frustration that comes from the outside, can throw the entire family experience into chaos, hatred, threats and violence.
This inconsistency and instability is what causes constant vigilance and anxiety. You cannot count on anything. You cannot know whether the parent you need something from, will react calmly and give it to you without an issue, or whether they'll turn on you and ask you what about what they need, why you never ask about their needs, and what a filthy selfish disgusting brat you are, leaving you alone with a problem you're not able to solve. You don't know whether you're allowed to speak your mind or say what you think, because sometimes it's allowed, and sometimes it's taken as a provocation and 'talking back' and you could be punished for it. The rules and goalposts change constantly, you don't know what behaviour is allowed or okay, never know what is expected from you, only that whatever you're doing can be proclaimed as wrong and punishable.
Your parents moods and whims dictate the atmosphere, and what kind of parent you get that day. You need a parent who cares about your moods too. Your need for consistency, reliability, safety, predictability, logical consequences and clarity, is completely ignored in favour of two adults throwing tantrums every other day of the week. Your childhood and raising you are so insignificant, they don't even care about your experience of it, or how hard you're trying to keep an illusion of 'normal', so that you would keep being able to survive in a home like that. Having parents that can change moods rapidly, explode, go from rage to good humor in a second and then turn back just as quick, is traumatic for a child who needs a consistent, kind, attentive and patient parent. That child deserves a parent too. Not this. Even adults wouldn't be able to consistently deal with bullshit abused kids go trough every day.
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