MUSINGS

memento mori

[expiredmeans]

Thoughts about The Grownup by Gillian Flynn?

write them below -

[expiredmeans]

MATAGAL TAGAL NA RIN -

Matagal tagal na rin akong hindi nakakakuha ng text sa madaling araw na humihingi ng tawad.

Matagal tagal na rin akong di sumasagot ng “No problem. It’s okay. It was fun while it lasted.” Nakasanayan ko na ata yang phrase na yan. Normal na sakin.

Matagal tagal na rin akong hindi nagse self-pity at nagtatanong kung ano bang maling ginawa ko, ano bang kulang, anong bang problema sakin.

Matagal na rin akong di umiiyak.

Matagal tagal na rin akong hindi naawa sa sarili ko. 

Sabi ng nakakararami, normal lang ang magmahal at masaktan. Normal lang na minsan sa buhay ng isang tao nag maiwan, lumuha at magmaka awa dahil sa nawalang pag-ibig. Parte raw ito ng buhay para maging matatag,matapang at maging handa sa panibagong pag-ibig na darating. Pero ang tanong ko, gano karaming beses ba para maging handa?

Sa dami ng beses ng pagkalugmok, sa dami ng mga lalaking nangako at lumisan - tumigil na ko sa paniniwala na mayroon pang pag-ibig na iba. 

Yung pag-ibig na di ka ikakahiya, di ka gagawing panakip butas, di ka gagawing pagparausan, hindi ka pag mumukhaing tanga at di ka paglalaruan. 

Akala ko wala na, hanggang nakilala kita.

Matagal tagal na rin akong hindi nakaramdam ng pag-ibig na tunay. Yung buo, yung kumpleto, yung walang tinatago, yung sigurado.

Matagal tagal na rin akong hindi tumatawa habang hawak ang kamay ng iba at tumatawid sa daan.

Matagal tagal na rin akong hindi gumigising sa umaga na may mga good morning at I love you texts. Matagal tagal na rin akong hindi nagfi-feeling highschool. Ang sarap pala kiligin (at hindi lang sa ihi).

Matagal tagal na rin akong hindi umaasa, pag sinabi nyang tatagal tatagal tayo - at tayo sa huli. Sayo, naniniwala ako. Ayusin mo ah haha.

Matagal tagal na rin mula nung huling tinignan ko ang sarili ko sa salamin at sinabing, “sapat ka, hindi ka problema”. 

Matagal tagal na rin nung huli akong naniwala sa pag-ibig.

[expiredmeans]

EXPLANATIONS I’LL NEVER SAY

I wanted to say thank you because I had a lot of fun with you. Though it may be just through video calls and texts, it was fun. We had really great conversations, it was easy and it was so simple. I never had to fake once. You are that one guy that I really liked that I literally always wanted to come back. I don’t think I’d ever get over you, to be honest. You were my ideal guy in so many different ways. You’re smart – you carry yourself beyond your age. You’re so funny, and you have the cutest smile. And you’re so cute. Seriously, you look so good. And I don’t think I would ever meet someone like you again. Every time I think about it – I try to see what went wrong. But I can’t really pinpoint, maybe we’re just in the wrong timing. Or maybe because we’re far from each other, or probably because I’m older or maybe because you’re younger. I don’t know, or maybe it’s just wasn’t meant to be.

If I’d be the one to choose, I’d really wanted to date you or be in a relationship with you. But sometimes there are so many reasons behind every wanting that I now it wouldn’t work. I don’t want to push myself on waiting too much on you, because you know I’m not like that. I wanted you to like me because you know it’s what you’re supposed to do. Not because that’s what we think should happen.

One word: nanghihinayang. You’re probably my “The One That Got Away” but that’s fine. I tried to be ‘just’ friends with you. But I don’t think I can, cause every time I talk to you – with you not doing anything – I fall in love little by little again. And that’s scary. And I’d rather not be afraid anymore.

[expiredmeans]

Why do we deliberately feel that we're the bad one? More often than not, we feel so obligated of feeling bad about things we didn't even have to feel sorry for. GUILT TRIP. It was never our fault but we put ourselves as culprits of something we never stole. As murderers of those we did not kill. As liars of those we never lied about. It's like an emotional suicide, really. Taking on the blame. Taking on the emotional baggages not necessarily there for you to bring.

[expiredmeans]

Sunflowers. ♡

[expiredmeans]

Thoughts.

[expiredmeans]

I think I'm dead now. I have tried to keep up with the monsters inside my head. Fighting them off one by one. But I can't, they're too strong. They took me little by little. Inch by inch they led me astray into the darkness. They've build up distraught in my mind. They've managed to take the soul in me. They've left me with nothing.

[nauseadaily]

“But I shall not leave before I finish this pipe.”

— Jean-Paul Sartre, Nausea (via nauseadaily)

[kvtes]

“The female doesn’t want a rich man, or a handsome man, or even a poet. She wants a man who understands her eyes if she gets sad, and points to his chest and says, ‘Here is your home country.’”

— Nizar Qabbani

[keepiitreal]

[expiredmeans]

Balat kayo

Pagod na ko. Pagod na ko sa paulit-ulit kong pagsasabi na ayos lang ako. Pagod na ko sa araw-araw na pagpapanggap na hindi na masakit. Pagod na kong magkunwari.

Pagod na kong tumawa, pagod na din akong umiyak.

Pagod na din akong makisama sa mga taong hindi magawang maniwala. Hindi sila naniniwala, na ang sakit sakit na. Hindi nila naiintindihan ang pagod ng isip at damdamin at ng katawan at kahit na ng dugo kong pagod na din dumaloy.

Pagod na kong maglakad. Pagod na kong ilakad pa ang dalawa kong paa, papunta sa mga lugar na hindi ko naman makita ang dahilan.

Pagod na ko pumasok sa trabaho, pagod na ko pumunta sa mga gala, pagod na ko pumaritot pumaroon. Pagod na sa sa mundo.

Pagod na kong pumikit. Pagod na kong ipikit pa ang mga dilat kong mata. Pagod na kong makita ang sarili ko sa salamin, mag aayos, magsusuklay, magdadamit, at ihuhulma na naman ang ngiti ng kasinungalingan.

Pagod na kong maniwala. Pagod na kong maniwala na magiging ayos pa ang lahat. Pagod na kong umasa na hindi na ko masasaktan. Pagod na kong -maniwala na babalik pa ang mga dating nang-iwan. Pagod na ko na may pag asa pa balang araw.

Pagod na kong sabihing pagod na ko. Paulit ulit ko na lang to sinasabi, ngunit hindi ko rin naman magawang bumitaw. Bakit? kasi mapapagod din ang mga tao sa paligid ko. Mapapagod silang isipin, kung saan sila nagkamali, mapapagod silang umiyak, mapapagod sila sa pagsisikap na kalimutan ako. Mapapagod silang intindihin king bakit ko nagawang magpaalam. Mapapagod sila. 

Kaya araw-araw pa din akong hihinga, didilat, gagalaw at ngingiti. Hanggang sa mamaalam. Hanggang balang araw, ang panahon na ang mapagod. Mapapagod na sya sa kakatingin sa akin. At sasabihin nya na lang na, “ Maureen, magpahinga ka na.”

[expiredmeans]

Now. Im so tired.

[expiredmeans]

Have you been really tired? Not physically, but your being. Your entire being, exhausted. Tired of feeling the same things over and over again.

[expiredmeans]

So this is hell. I'd never have believed it. You remember all we were told about the torture-chambers, the fire and brimstone, the "burning marl." Old wives' tales! There's no need for red-hot pokers. Hell is—other people! (Albert Camus)

[thestrangerdaily-blog]

“What is a rebel? A man who says no.”

— Albert Camus

[isailthroughtheocean-deactivate]

I love reading, but I hate when I finish a book and there’s that empty feeling you get. It’s like you lived a life that you loved so much and it ended and now you have to find a new life, but don’t want to leave your old one. Does anybody else feel this?

[expiredmeans]

Dahil sa huli, and kasiyahan ng isang tao ay ang mithing maalala siya sa paraanang kanyang gusto.

[expiredmeans]

Bigla bigla ka nanaman nagpaparamdam, bigla bigla mo nanaman ako pinapakilig pero bigla bigla ka rin nawawala na walang pasabi.