I think it’s more and less complex than that at once.
My love for my wife does not ebb and flow. I love her. I promised to spend the rest of my life with her, and that remains constant. It always has. But that connection is first and foremost based upon having that same deep companionship, that sense that I would happily spend all of my time with her even if there wasn’t any romance there. At the end of the day, she’s my best friend, the person I want to be with for my life, and that’s how it is.
But the intensity does vary. It always does. It’s natural, and it happens to both of us. There are times when the companionship we want is much calmer and more adult, mostly just working together to keep a functional household and care for our cats and all of that; there are times when we just want to cuddle up and be quiet together; there are times when we want to giggle and watch shows together. It’s not just one mode of interaction. After more than a decade together and a whole lot of personal changes for both of us, the feeling is not the same as it was when she and I first got together, nor would I expect it to be.
There’s a real risk of mistaking the first flush of love for being the golden standard by which you judge a relationship. That first flash of connection, that passionate intensity, that sense of nervous energy - that’s how you start forming a connection. But it’s not enough to sustain a relationship over the long term, because so much of it is based upon an idea at that point and not a person. It’s also the sensation that most media loves to sensationalize, that feeling of falling in love rather than being in love.
Falling in love is special, but that has a half-life of about six months. A year if you push it. Being in love is something far more stable, and if you don’t know what you’re looking for it’s far too easy to think “oh, I don’t feel that same early spark, I’m not in love any longer.” You may not be, or you may just have graduated to the point where you no longer need to be impressing one another. You can exist together and be comfortable just sharing space.
Put in metaphorical terms - falling in love is lighting a fire and watching it blaze at full intensity. Being in love is a slow and gentle burn that sustains itself almost indefinitely (with any luck).
It’s one of those things that takes time to learn and really feel, partly because culture tells us that you’re supposed to be head-over-heels on a constant basis or it’s not real love, because films and songs and stories love to celebrate the “falling” part over the “sustaining” part. I don’t claim any special knowledge or exception, I’ve fallen in love, made dumb decisions, and struggled to reach an understanding of how it shakes out just like everyone else.
Still, you aren’t going to always be gaga over your partner. That’s healthy. That’s normal. And it’s a bit contrary to what we think of as normal even though it is.
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