tw.

she/her

[extinguishedcandle]

my father is ruining my brother the way he did to me i can't

[writing-is-a-martial-art]

And the world said "I'll hurt you " and I said "I've had worse",

and the world said "I'll hate you" and I said "I tried that, it doesn't work",

and the world said "your body is wrong and it will rot",

and I said "it's doing so already, but no wonder you forgot",

and the world said "I'd rather you didn't exist",

and I said "you do you, man, but I'm going to stay here",

and the world fell apart 'cause it had nothing more to say,

and I played in its guts 'till it started to rain,

and the rain washed the world whole and it said "sorry dude,

I wanted to be gentle, it's just easier to be rude",

and I said "yeah, I saw your big heart,

I just think it'd be wiser if we stayed apart",

and the world said "that would be for the best"

and flew off into the stars and I finally

got to rest.

[extinguishedcandle]

happy 13 yrs to my directioners out there i hope ur doing okay

[extinguishedcandle]

do not fucking gaslight me.

i know what happened.

don't fucking make me think i was too young.

i'm not young, i'm not dumb, and i fucking remember.

[agonisingpain]

I want to be touched but I avoid it as much as I can

I want to be heard but I don't speak

I want to be seen but I hide myself and make me invisible

I want true connection and intimacy with someone but I keep myself as distant as possible

I want love but I don't think I deserve it

It's difficult to live like this.

[imnotentirelyhere]

im sorry that i'm hurting you

i'm sorry you think i'm destroying myself

i dont think there's really anything left of myself to destroy

but i don't want to destroy you

[extinguishedcandle]

uh slight tw

im so fucking tired

i know other people have it worse

and i should be grateful

but i feel so invalid

i feel like i need more trauma

i'm just overreacting

and i feel like i'm a bad person because of this

but is it bad i wish they actually hit me

then i would have proof

maybe it's normal to take away necessities of living

but i know it's not

i didn't fucking ask to be born

don't make it seem like i did

i don't want to be here either i would die if i could

i can hear you when you say you don't want me alive

wish you guys went back in time

even though i wouldn't have met <him3

but fuck

i shouldn't be denied of food or water

i shouldn't have to pay that back to you

you are my fucking parents

you decided to give birth to me

so you have that fucking responsibility

i guess that's what happens when you're drunk all the time, father

fucking slap me across the face i guess i deserved it

fuck

i'm just so hurt

[extinguishedcandle]

tw vent

i feel like disappearing. just cutting off contact, maybe just at this moment, walking outside and getting the pills and swallowing it all

i want the pain to go away and no one understands i feel like a mf burden to everyone and everything and i can't even sh because my mum found my box and threw it away i fucking hate this

maybe i'm just attention seekinf and faking all of it and maybe if i do get diagnosed maybe i'm just faking my ocd and my depression and my panic attacks and i'm sh-ing for attention

everyone tells me that my dad seems so nice and so supportive and caring and he's surely a good person and maybe i'm a bad person to fucking disagree but you don't lock your kid in the garage for 2 days with a fucking bag of expired bread. maybe i'm overreacting but to him it was a normal wednesday and that fucking changed the way i saw things

i just fucking hate this but i can't just leave him hanging like that, never getting a text back from me. that would kill me not to know if he was doing okay

but i feel like disappearing

i've gained sm weight and i just can't do this anymore i don't have the energy to pretend or get up or even starve myself and i fucking hate myself for it. why can't i be normal

i don't want to do things in 3s or 7s for the rest of my life i dont want to wake up and dread the hours im awake for i dont want to immediately go into survival mode anytime i hear footsteps outside my door and i dont want to fucking be a problem anymore

[extinguishedcandle]

did a little drawing in science what do yall think