As it is Written

Journal, Thought Dump, Words. 27M, Demisexual, He/Him

[faerrothinks]

Demisexual-Demiromantic Thoughts

The Cycle Continues, unfortunately

[faerrothinks]

I tried to go on a date again. I still don't like it.

Me an Aromantic to Romantic people:

[faerrothinks]

So, I am demisexual, demiromantic. I just want to say a Hot Take:

Developing feelings and sexual attraction to a friend isn't evil, manipulative, and problematic. This is literally the only way I develop any attraction okay? You can be the hottest person on the planet, and it would mean NOTHING if I don't know you.

I can't do it the way Allos do where they just find a person hot, they approach, they hit it off, and then they date. It doesn't work for me, and I'm so frustrated it doesn't. I'm trying to not be a problem and I just end up sad and irritated when I do it the "right" way.

This is the reason why I'm fully Asexual and Aromantic for 3 years. I feel so stuck in between not being a problem and this being genuinely the only way I develop attraction to people.

[faerrothinks]

Do other Asexuals "roleplay" being Straight just so they can experience relationships?

In almost every relationship I've had, I had to act out being a straight guy to signal to a girl I was interested. I had to talk about sex to them, I had to talk about how hot they were, or how I liked *insert specific body part* to them, and like, all the other stuff you see in smut lmao.

And like, it fucking suuuuuuuucks. Cuz most of the time, they keep coming back cuz they keep expecting me to provide, and I'm like, I don't want to anymore? Then the whole thing starts feeling fake, and I keep doing things I don't want to, and they lose interest, and the whole thing falls apart.

I just want this cycle to stop man, why is it always like this? Can I just have one partner that can read all my other forms of attraction, aside from sex?

[faerrothinks]

You know, for all the advice and therapyspeak and pop-psych I get inundated by, it's genuinely funny to me that my mental health is literally fixed by 4 basic things: Eat Food, Drink Water, Be with Friends, Get Sleep.

Like, that's it. Genuinely, I think a lot of my mental health crises and episodes is literally getting triggered by skipping out on food and water, not sleeping, and not seeing my friends.

Am I legit that simple a person, and all my tortured "woe is me" bullshit just me forgetting to take care of myself?

[asexual-fandom-queen]

i don’t want a ROMANTIC PARTNER. i want a DEAR FRIEND i can use as a HUMAN WEIGHTED BLANKET

[deadinthename]

Sigh

[faerrothinks]

Sometimes, Self Care and Self Love isn't drinking water, or doing your hobbies, sometimes it's "I am going to let myself indulge in the love and support I know I can ask from people around me".

Seeing your friends, family, and even lovers. Feeling the warmth of other people. These are also self care. Love yourself enough to know you can have and deserve the support and care of the people around you. You can socialize and have a community, as a treat :>.

[faerrothinks]

I finally found an affirmation that works for me.

Whenever my brain tells me I'm bad, dysfunctional, toxic, or broken, I have a simple answer now.

"I don't care, I can still do good."

That's it, what are your flaws and your history, to your ability to do the right thing, right now? As long as I know I can still do good, I can forgive myself, and I can have hope in my future.

[rosavaya]

“Many people seem to think it foolish, even superstitious, to believe that the world could still change for the better. And it is true that in winter it is sometimes so bitingly cold that one is tempted to say, ‘What do I care if there is a summer; its warmth is no help to me now.’ Yes, evil often seems to surpass good. But then, in spite of us, and without our permission, there comes at last an end to the bitter frosts. One morning the wind turns, and there is a thaw. And so I must still have hope.”

— Vincent Van Gogh

[anarchistmemedistro]

[mentalhealthmemesofficial]

[notthegrouch]

“If I am worth anything later, I am worth something now. For wheat is wheat, even if people think it is a grass in the beginning.” 

- Vincent van Gogh

[clockways]

*floats in the mire*

I've gotten to the point... or the age, I guess, where I'm feeling the lack of having someone as a life partner. I just... I want someone to share things with. I want to go on drives with someone to weird locations and national parks and antique malls. I want to be able to point at something and say "do you see that? we should buy it." (and probably be told no).

I want someone who can bring me more water when I'm sick, and that I can do the same for. Someone to share the chores with. To make a house that isn't just mine but ours.

I want to be able to go into their office/space in the house and kiss them on the temple and set down a little treat for them. I want to buy them flowers and plants and silly little things that will make them smile.

I want to adore someone and remember the little things about them and... I want to be adored in return. I want my quirks to be a reason that I'm loved, not just something that's tolerated.

But it's hard, as an Ace, to find that. To say sorry, I can love you but never be intimate with you. To say I'll need to know you to love you. I don't know how to get there, but I want.

[faerrothinks]

One of the Dating Advice cliches has always been "Work on Yourself." It's funny, I did that, and I realized I was aromantic and asexual. For years, I mostly dated as a way to prove to myself that I wasn't all the things people say about guys who are single. You must be a slob, lazy, sexist, hateful, a failure, etc. Like, I was genuinely paranoid for years that I was all these horrible things under the surface, and I would get revealed as a bad evil fraud of a person.

So, I dated and got into a lot of regrettable situations with women. I took a break, went to therapy, and began to heal. It clicked in my head that I wasn't really interested ever? I just wanted to fit in and stop feeling like I was this gross, sexist, evil slob.

[faerrothinks]

My ongoing struggle as an Ace-spec and Aro-spec person for the past year

[tall]

[tothechaos]

99% of alarm snoozers stop hitting snooze before reaching full restfulness. NEVER stop trying to get five to fifteen minute increments of sleep yhis next one will make you feel well rested in a way youve never been in your entire life i promise 🙏

[faerrothinks]

I find women who are into asexual or ace-spec guys odd when I dated them. They always say "You feel safe" because I don't sexualize them, or try to hit on them, or make a pass on them. Then, when I do actually date them. They get mad that I'm still asexual, and I don't want them that way. It doesn't make sense. Why were you attracted to the asexuality in the first place if you wanted allosexuality eventually?

[jockinit]

having friends is important because otherwise you’ll stay convinced your parents are normal