Failure & Gratitude

I am an artist, arts worker and human being and this is my story of personal and professional failure and gratitude. I will be retelling stories of failures I have experienced and witnessed, and also writing about the lessons that have come with failure...

[failureandgratitude]

That messy bitch is back in businessssss

And by business, I mean school. My third attempt at studying... information... that is.... information services? To be a librarian? Or something of the sort. There is too much chilli in my hot chocolate, for some reason it tastes insanely salty... I have downloaded my subject outlines and begun perusing the unit modules... less than two minutes into a five minute video and wondering what happened to AI being banned? It's literally painful to watch and listen to, if it hasn't been generated by AI? I send my apologies to whoever made it... or perhaps a request for an apology? Or my money back? I mean that should probably be directed towards the university, rather than the person making these videos... They probably don't even know their work has been imbedded in our course module... note to self skip the painfully flashy youtube videos for now and head straight to the recommended readings:

Chapter 1 of your key text:

Cassell, K.A. and Hiremath, U. (2018) Introduction to reference and information services In K.A. Cassell & U. Hiremath (Eds.), Reference and information services: An introduction (4th ed., pp. 3- 14). Neal-Schuman.

Read Chapter 1 of this text:

Goldsmith, F. (2017). An overview of professional library reference service. In F. Goldsmith (Eds.), Crash course in contemporary reference, (pp. 1-10). Libraries Unlimited 

[failureandgratitude]

Gratitude List

1. Having my childish side come out through sheer emotional and physical exhaustion, suddenly everything is funny again.

2. Starting work in a new field that is challenging, interesting and emotionally rewarding, in a setting which is professionally supportive.

3. Having flexibility in my other job to allow me the ability to work two jobs and gain new experiences.

4. The regular stuff that is generally taken for granted like warm blankets and clothes, a roof over my head, food in my belly, family and friends.

5. All the work I’ve done to get my this far

[failureandgratitude]

Stress

It’s strange when something that one has been anticipating with a sense of excitement draws near and that positive feeling begins to twist and reshape into trepidation, fear, stress and anxiety. Everything is still great, maybe even better than ever but there is a sense of foreboding.

What if the workload is too much for me, will I be good at my new job, what happens if there is a problem, how do I define myself as a professional within this context, how do I balance my other commitments?

I find myself churning...

A week has gone by since I started this entry, I found myself unable to write, days passed but the words did not come.

I’ve since started my new job and am finding it to be a largely pleasurable experience. While I am still under a certain level of stress I have found a lot of the other less positive feelings I was experiencing have started to dissipate.

I am still working through some underlying concerns and negativity around the instability of my situation and the overall experience of navigating uncharted territory but reality would argue that life is overwhelmingly good, despite what my chemical make up might tell me.

So I am feeling this way or that way but when I weigh things up life is pretty amazing and maybe, just maybe this will be a healthy kind of stress.

[failureandgratitude]

Gratitude

Tired, poorly fed due to my own self neglect, cold and a little bit cranky, maybe more than a little bit cranky. Not as though I have any special reason though, just a poor diet and the typical personal and political discontentments... Is discontentments even a word? I write, I write words, I write words that might not be words... I write lists, lists to bring to the surface the things that are worth mentioning. Something. Something worth mentioning, worth being grateful for, something to begin with. Begin with anything. I am grateful for meeting new people I am grateful for laughter I am grateful for artists I am grateful for old friendships I am grateful for dissatisfaction

[failureandgratitude]

Writer’s block and sick days

Today is Wednesday and I have arrived in the office of my workplace which is soon to be reduced to rubble, wiped out and forgotten quickly enough, replaced by a shiny new building that looks much like any other. Perhaps a common theme throughout most of Sydney right now.

I wonder about the future, about the job I have been offered several weeks ago but have not yet started, about the possibility of promotion within my current workplace and about that other job I recently saw advertised...

I ponder these things and ponder writing and the things I won’t write about. I wonder about how much depth I should go into in writing about these things.

The new job within the education system that excites me, as I feel as though experience in this field will challenge me and open up doors for me in the future.

The current workplace, which I have been working within for about 6 months... I find this place difficult to write about from inside, in many ways it is at the crux of my writing and yet there is always a sense of hesitation.

I guess this sense of hesitation is a driving factor in my writing.

The recently advertised role, a dream job within reach. One of those rare roles that comes up where all of the required criteria are ticked of with just enough experience to think it is worth trying for and not quite enough to feel overly confident or bored by the prospect of the role. The kind of role that could change the trajectory of my career significantly, but not just my career, my entire way of living.

Do I apply?

Well I guess this is what I write when the block comes undone on my first day back to work this week after being sick over the weekend.

[failureandgratitude]

Introspection and memory

I bought a bicycle yesterday and have since ridden it a few times. It wasn’t cheap but its been generating an amazing natural high that I can’t get enough of, the best money I have spent in a long time and hopefully a contributor to improving my health as well, over the long run.

After two weeks of working night shifts for a gig I have thoroughly enjoyed and eating far too much junk for my body to handle happily it’s something I am in desperate need of... I’ve been eating so much junk food it has actually started to make me feel sick. I feel miserable and I’m not sure if my diet is responsible but I doubt it’s been helping.

The high of the ride is strong but fleeting and I am hoping it feeds an addiction of sorts... I need something healthy to anchor myself to...

I am literally sitting in the Mcdonald’s 200 meters from my house, running away from myself and yet here I am...

It’s not pretty.

So I came here to get out of the house and do some blogging and I am still here more from avoiding the cold than the fact that I haven’t finished writing this...

I read through all of my old blog entries as a way of trying to ground myself and remind myself that I am doing something, which might eventually accumulate into something of worth, even if its just a good record of my thought processes in this early stage of my career.

The strange thing is that while I read it there is a certain intentional vagueness that leave me struggling to remember what I was writing about, stranger than those that remain the clearest are those which express the pain I have been feeling.

Is that strange, or predictable?

It’s weird to read through the blog entries that refer more directly to writing my paper as it feels so much further away and less relevant than anything else, when it is actually quite recent.

Since finishing my paper I have done some voluntary work, connecting with new people and old friends with common interests, worked close to full-time hours with amazing people, been offered a new job that looks to be challenging and interesting and signed up for further voluntary work.

The changes I have been through over the last two months have been pretty phenomenal and largely positive, yet I still feel the same hurt constantly niggling at me. I try to recall how I got passed this sort of pain in the past but all I can manage to conjure is a blur...

Reading novels, listening to music, crying, building another life on top of the old one, doing my best to find something more important to focus on.

[failureandgratitude]

What is success?

As I work through ideas around failure and gratitude in this blog, I often write about situations that are quite personal and refer either to past or current circumstances. It’s not so much that what I want to write about today isn’t personal but I guess that when I think of success I tend to consider it as some sort of abstract thing to constantly work towards, on an ever receding horizon...

So it’s sort of a current concern about some imagined illusive future.

If we have goals that we set ourselves and manage to meet them does this constitute as success?

Is there a pinnacle of success where we peak then slowly decline, or rapidly crash from?

Is it lonely at the top?

Perhaps these are quite simplistic or pessimistic questions to be asking, maybe even the questions of someone who is not likely to gain such successes.

But say we have a set of career goals we are working towards, mine being:

1. Curator in a regional gallery

2. Director of a regional gallery

3. Position in Local/State Council developing arts and culture policies

4. University Educator

5. Head of art school

What do we then do when we have reached our goals?

Is it as simple as being given a title, or does it require developing a level of competence and comfort within said position?

What are the indicators of high achievement?

How will we know when it’s time to move on to another goal?

What happens when we hit road blocks, slow seasons, down periods?

What about holidays?

Or having family time?

Who does the responsibility go to when we are not around?

How long do we spend at the ‘peak’ of our careers before we start planning our exit?

[failureandgratitude]

Motivation

Motivation is a strange thing...

I have found that since completing my paper I no longer feel the same level of motivation towards writing, even though it is probably more important for me to do now, than it has ever been before. While I was studying I used blogging as a tool, partly as a tool for procrastination but also as a means of clearing my mind in order to be able to get the academic writing out...

So I guess being under pressure can be quite motivating, too much pressure becomes paralysing but there must be some sort of sweet spot, where magickal things happen...

That pressure may come from a number of outside factors such as family expectations, monetary concerns, academic hurdles, workplace deadlines, or it may come from inside and be based on inward expectations and beliefs. Both external and internal factors have the capacity to create negative and positive responses and outcomes.

These motivating factors may also be known as Intrinsic or Extrinsic motivators/values/beliefs. These are the things that drive you to do something, or prevent you from doing something, intrinsic motivators come from inside, while extrinsic motivators come from outside (the dangling carrot)...

As we become older and more independent, ideally we will become less dependent on external factors to motivate us, instead driven by our own desire to achieve and the satisfaction of completing tasks successfully...

I am not sure if I am really there yet but I guess that’s why I am still writing, as an attempt to create some positive habits in the aftermath of completing my studies. I just hope that over time this builds up and spills out into other aspects of my life such as keeping a tidy house and actively pursuing my interests and professional goals.

I like to think that if I create one good habit at a time I will eventually built something amazing.

[failureandgratitude]

Gratitude

Its been a while since I have been able to write a gratitude list but I am feeling pretty good this morning so I think it appropriate to take note.

Today I am feeling grateful for:

1. Music that makes me want to sing and dance.

2. Loving my job.

3. Having a new job coming up soon to look forward to.

4. Enjoying my down time.

5. Meeting new people.

6. Hanging out with family.

7. Being on the edge of something new.

[failureandgratitude]

Aspirations

I know I keep writing about my Masters and more recently my completion of it but it’s kind of a big deal to me, not so much because I want to brag (yes I do) but because being a student has been a huge part of my identity and leaving uni is leaving me feeling a bit lost.

With a new job on coming up shortly and plenty of work over the next couple of weeks I probably have enough on my plate as it is but I still feel an inclination to keep reaching. I find that sometimes adding too much fuel to personal relationships can lead them to burning out but I have so much energy to give and I have ambitions, I am hopeful that I can channel my excess energies into my career more successfully.

So I thought I would write about some of my aspirations...

1. Get back into making art in a serious way.

2. Take up some sort of regular physical activity/hobby.

3. Continue my education informally.

4. Keep working in current role and voice interest in progression.

5. Work hard in new job coming up.

6. Think about strategy for building my career.

7. Keep building on my career.

8. Be positive

9. Support and encourage others when possible.

[failureandgratitude]

Start somewhere

I will start with confessing that I have been feeling incredibly rough, in fact so rough that I am planning on getting professional help. Is this career suicide? Well I have had an ongoing battle with mental health issues including ADD and depression since childhood, medicated on and off since age 7, its not exactly something I have chosen.

I am choosing to write about this because right now I can’t think of anything else to write about and I think that writing is really helpful, I also think that being authentic, genuine and being able to empathize with others is important. In writing this I also need to be honest, I need to write that when I am depressed I become quite hateful and intolerant of others, I isolate myself from my friends and family, I become needy and selfish, prone to tears and mean. I have moments or periods when I am lacking in empathy, insight or consideration for others. None of which is helpful towards personal or professional relationships.

Depression is downright awful.

I have just finished my Masters and have been offered a temporary job within the education system, I should feel marvelous, I should be celebrating. Instead I am in bed with a tub of ice-cream and a box of tissues, feeling sorry for myself. Throwing myself a little pity party...

This is me at just about my worst, not quite rock bottom but not far off it.

I don’t want to finish here. As much as I have a lot of overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, I am fortunate enough to know that it doesn’t last forever and it’s not something that I always knew. I want to keep writing, to try and remind myself that things do get better, I have a lot more to give and that each time I rebuild I have more experience to build on and I have more to offer others.

In my new job I am going to be in a position, where I am able to help others and hopefully make a difference in their lives. Inherently I am actually a very caring person and it’s not something I should forget too easily.

When I am my better self, or best self I am capable of doing amazing things. A lot of my positive experiences have come from harder times, it’s through the worst periods that I have learnt perseverance, determination, decision making, empathy and more.

I have learnt to surround myself with good, honest, kindhearted, hard working, genuine people and to let go of those who are harmful to my well being.

I have learnt to look towards the future and create goals and plans to work towards them.

I am still learning.

To accept what is unknown.

To accept myself as I am.

To value myself.

To celebrate.

To be kind.

To have fun.

To rest.

[failureandgratitude]

The Gap

Having recently completed my Masters in Art Administration I am currently experiencing something that I like to call “The Gap”.

The Gap can mean any number of things but in this instance I will be focusing on a few key ideas.

The Gap between what we know and what we feel.

The Gap of knowing something that we struggle to provide tangible evidence of.

And The Gap between endings and beginnings.

The Gap between what we know and what we feel usually occurs in partnership with doubt. It arises at times when our confidence has been rattled through an experience of loss, stagnation or failure. We know that we are capable, hard working, kindhearted people but we feel as though we may discovered as incompetent, lazy and foolish. We know that no one is prefect, we feel our own imperfections make us somehow unacceptable or unsuitable. Being able to identify The Gap between what we feel and what we know can be useful, as it assists in being able to make judgements that are more realistic and frees us to make choices that are reflective of our true abilities.

The Gap of knowing something that we struggle to provide tangible evidence for might come from a range of situations. It may be an experience of struggling to supply an academic reference for a piece of information that we came across serendipitously. It may occur when we have an automatic distrust of a situation that can not be explained. When we experience such a situation we need to respond in thoughtful ways, we either dig deeper in order to uncover what is hidden or step away from the situation in order to allow for the natural order of things to unfold. In these types of situations it is best to strive to achieve a balance between following our intuition and making sound, rational decisions.

I am currently experiencing The Gap between endings and beginnings, as I have now completed my Masters, but not yet graduated. I have a number of options opening up and plans for both short term and medium term projects and goals but have not yet made any decisions, or started to work towards my new projects. The time spent between the end of a major period of my life and moving towards another, is met with mixed feelings of excitement and trepidation. It is perfectly valid to use this time as a period of rest, to pause and consider, rather than to rush forward blindly.

Essentially I am writing this as a reminder that it is ok to experience The Gap. To reiterate that there are healthy ways of dealing with these experiences, to make realistic judgements, balance intuition and rationality and to take time out to be considerate and thoughtful when necessary.

[failureandgratitude]

Gratitude

I finished my research paper and am incredibly grateful towards the many people who have supported and encouraged me / shown an interest in my research.

I am thankful that my formal academic study is finally over and done with (at least for now).

I am grateful to have spent my day with amazing people at exhibition of Gordon Syron’s Culture Wars.

I am grateful to have been serendipitously reminded that I needed to write another gratitude list.

[failureandgratitude]

Failure to communicate

As an artist, arts worker and a student on the precipice of finishing my Masters I always like to keep an eye out for different opportunities, either to further myself or inform my peers about.

Opportunities in the form of grants, jobs, voluntary work, residencies, exhibitions, educational programs, events etc.

I am a big believer in sharing.

And if you have read any of my previous blogs, you might have noticed that I am also a believer in negativity.

Not negativity in the sense of being pessimistic, aggressive or having a bad attitude but in the sense of understanding that things go wrong and that there are useful and less useful ways of dealing with that.

What I write about reflects a lot of what I have learnt and am learning in both my personal and professional life. The language I use is emotive, and responsive to the main themes of the blog, failure and gratitude, and in that way may not always carry positive undertones.

I don’t believe that we should be bound to a myth of unfailing happiness or perfection and nor should our communication be held to such standards, although I do believe there is a time and a place and that we need to conscientious about how we express ourselves.

I will be the first to admit that I am a repeat offender in the world of the online over-share.

What I am more interested in right now is when organisations make this same mistake.

How do we react when an organisation publishes information publicly that has strong negative undertones?

An opportunity that initially breeds excitement becomes disconcerting, irksome and unappealing rather quickly when organisations make the mistake of using aggressive and negatively geared emotive language.

This language is incredibly off-putting and causes the potential consumer or participant to withdraw, only a small handful of those may think any further on it, even fewer are likely to put their hand up to get involved.

When I see this sort of language being used in a professional context a lot of questions come to my mind.

What was this person thinking when they published this?

Where are they coming from?

What motivated the use this of language?

Is the organisation facing unpublicised hardship?

Is this person responsible for the publication under a lot of stress or pressure?

Has there been a breakdown within the organisations team?

Do the people working within this organisation understand the impact of the language they are using?

Is this language helpful or harmful?

[failureandgratitude]

Don’t be afraid of rejection

This morning I was on the train traveling into uni to meet with my supervisor to discuss the progress I have made in writing my research paper, when I came across this amazing Commencement Address by John Waters that he gave at RISD this year.

The whole thing was pretty amazing and well worth looking up to watch but the one thing that really stood out to me through the whole speech was when he said not to be afraid of rejection.

I think this stood out to me, as rejection is really central to what I am writing and thinking about. Rejection as precursory to failure, or a form of failure.

Rejection is inevitable, failure is inevitable. It seems a bit ugly and a bit unfair but this is the truth. In order to succeed we have to deal with challenges, setbacks and even outright rejection or failure. 

We have to learn when to push through, when to retreat and when to cut our losses altogether.

Pouring a lot of energy into something that isn’t working prevents us from using it in other more effective ways.

Continuing to work in this way only leads to negativity such as anger, resentment, anxiety and depression; communications break down and people become despondent and burnt out.

Sometimes we have to experience these sort of failures, so that we can learn to recognise and avoid them in the future, or at least better deal with them when they can not be avoided.

When we hit rock bottom and keep digging, it doesn’t often lead to gold.

Sometimes we prolong the process as a way of postponing the inevitable pain of rejection or failure, but eventually there comes a time when a decision has to be made.

To let go and move on.

We pick up the broken pieces and we mend them.

Sometimes we leave them in the pits, dust off our hands and do our best to never look back.

Or we take time out to up-skill, in order to return to working towards an old dream.

There are many ways forward, endless opportunities and choices to be made, and after each rejection or failure we get to experience what it means to make them.

We get to build on what we know, with a little more experience than we had before.

[failureandgratitude]

When I feel sad

When I feel sad and hurt by things outside of my control I try to remind myself of the good in life.

As a predominantly reformed non-practicing Catholic I learned the Serenity Prayer and although I don’t believe that there is some great holy being listening, I sometimes take comfort in reciting certain prayers and it is that prayer, in particular, that I find myself returning to most often.

Not because I expect to gain some sort of magical or mystical empowerment but because it connects me to my family, which I like to think of as being full of resilient and powerful women.

I don’t write this to convince anyone of anything, just to express how I feel and think in this moment.

I guess from this I gain a sense of a few things that I value as pillars of inner strength; resilience, patience, acceptance, courage, honesty and wisdom.

Some of which I am more gifted with than others, perhaps because I have had opportunities to practice them.

I write this as a reminder to myself that I am resourceful.

I am not infallible but I do have the capacity to learn from my mistakes, to grow and change, and to understand that there are times when life just doesn’t quite go as planned.

It is during this moment that I choose to reflect on the positive.

I strive to live with integrity.

Mutual friendships that provide warmth, insight and comfort.

Nearing the completion of my Masters, which not only means gaining a qualification but also signals the end of many years spent in formal education.

Family bonds.

New possibilities on the precipice of opening up.

Travel.

Career.

Love.

Life.

[failureandgratitude]

Doing The Work

Sitting in a cubicle inside the university library I live next to, listening to the latest pop sensation, bopping along to the rhythm pumping through my headphones and alternating between social media and working on my paper.

Taking a moment now to get some of my personal thoughts out of the way...

To work through some of my less useful thought patterns, to challenge myself when I find my emotions getting ahead of me, untangling the knots that form in my heart and stomach.

Feelings of judgement, jealousy, insecurity and worth-less-ness (not worthlessness).

As I write and do my best to do this psychological and emotional work, I find myself becoming more aware of this part of myself and trying to fight the need for absolute control, which stems from fear.

I live in a constant state of fear and anxiety.

This fear and anxiety can drive me to isolation, but it can also drive me to work.

And that is what I want.

I want to work.

I want to make art.

I want to finish my research paper and begin working on building my career.

I want to find a sense of balance between professionalism, integrity and warmth in the way I present myself.

I want to work towards being in a professional position where I am part of supporting and building the cultural capabilities of the Western Sydney.

And when I write these things I become mindful of these desires and that it should be important for me also notice what I already have.

While I hope that my blog won’t become too repetitive there are things that I will continue to be grateful for throughout my writing.

I am thankful to have quiet places where I can sit down and do my writing and research without disruption and ongoing distraction.

I am grateful to work with a team of people who I respect.

I am grateful to work in a place where I believe I will have the capacity to continue learning and growing as a professional.

I am really happy and glad that I have been lucky enough to surround myself with great friends who are hardworking, intelligent, kindhearted and creative thinkers.

I am grateful for the opportunities I have had to meet, work and play with people who are generous with their time and energy.

I am grateful for for my own abilities as a creative thinker and my ambitious drive.

I am grateful for the difficult time I am currently having on a personal level as it has formed the impetus for the change and the challenges I am going through.

I am grateful for music that makes me want to dance, or laugh or sing.

I am grateful for my capacity to think big.

Now I better get back to doing the work on my research paper!