This is kinda dark but damn I love noelle. especially in the weird route.
Something that I can relate to especially in chapter 5 is her demeanor before her suicide attempt. I related so hard to it on a very deep scale.
The detached feeling of just going about the day, of finally allowing yourself to be brave and enjoy something (her date) with no emotion except a feigned and empty happiness. Disassociating while also not listening to anyone's judgements because who cares. You'll be gone once the day is over.
Its almost freeing, its like shackles are released.
She gives susie her money (susie doesn't accept) she is openly affectionate to susie, she holds her hand and leans into her.
Noelle's detached, she's just letting herself have one good day before she's gone. She's leaving "no signs," she's happy.
And finally: the mania. The "crazed" and adrenaline filled euphoria. I don't see anyone talk about that.
I don't want to vent but i can't explain my thoughts without bringing my own experience, but during my most serious attempt, after i had decided what I was going to do I started laughing and laughing. I felt light and happy after crying my eyes out all day. I felt so free. I went through the rest of the day feeling just a detached sense of happiness like i was watching my body go on autopilot.
I went to a meeting with a smile
I got food with a smile
I texted my parents a joke
And I skipped along to where I had planned to finally make it all stop
Noelle having that moment of just pure and honest disjointed thought process, saying how no one else thought like her except kris, finally finding someone who understood.
She's crazed she's EUPHORIC. She's MANIC. She's not thinking clearly, but she has ONE SET GOAL that she's RACING to. She's laughing while crying and remembering how "terrible" she is for feeling good about feeling in-control for once.
At the beginning she doesn't let you tell her to stop, but the more you go the less serene and more conflicted she looks. Through the entire process she closes her eyes and tells Kris to keep going, like she was doubting. She's not strong enough to take the final steps off the cliff (or into the lake) on her own. She needs YOU, Not kris, YOU, to tell her to keep going and going until they drown. They are literally drowning and that Manic scream, yelling at Kris to tell her to keep going it felt so familiar and now I know why
6 years ago I lost my spark and went through immeasurable hardship and trauma trying to return to the version of me who used to command rooms with her aura alone and had unwavering faith in God and her own abilities to reach even her wildest dreams. There were many moments where all I wanted was to give up and where I didn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. Moments that allowed fear and desperation to torment me to no end.
This summer I have finally recovered that spark back. I’m anchored again in my feminine, faithful, expansive, unapologetic self. I’m never going to take this version of myself for granted again. It feels so good to be back.
(I need to finish my other fics before thinking of others Q^Q)
Basically we've seen quite a few Danny getting hunted down by the GIW and ending up in Gotham resulting in him warning certain Bats (mainly just Jason) that hes in danger as well--- but what if the GIW decided to target 'smaller fish' in order to train themselves against Phantom; their main target.
Unfortunately Team Phantom is too busy trying to keep the calm around Amity Park and don't realize it until they're too late.
The JL never see them coming.
The Bats are frantically looking for what should be their literal assassin trained Robin, Red Hood and Black Bat.
Supers are flying around the area looking for any trace of Supergirl and Superboy (I). Not even Tim's trackers on Conner show anything (just like the ones he had on his fellow Bats).
Arrows had sent Green Arrow and Arsenal to help with the search of the Bats, Roy leaving Lian behind with Dinah, only to drop off the face of the Earth.
The Flash, Blue Beetle and Hawkwoman are all reported as MIA.
An Emergency Meeting is announced and trying to get into contact with all the other fellow heroes. Some were known to be off planet but there were a few who'd failed to respond at all...
Batman is the first to realize a common factor to all those who've disappeared as most had concluded something or someone was targeting heroes.
They'd all died.
Diana was the one to bring forward worst news; the hunt wasn't done.
Impulse, Red Robin, Cyborg, Hawkman, Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman herself were possible targets as well.
Cyborg was able to recover and corrupted and dropped emergency call from Barry
"Those weirdos in white from earlier are attacking downtown, could use some backup asap. Something about Anti-Ecto Acts or whate-- Hey! Ugh"
A shiver went down their spines as they collectively told stories about spotting men in white suits walk around their cities. Some had brushed them off whilst others had kept tabs but the guys seemed to have lost interest and left.
It was a terrible oversight.
"Looks like some assholes are digging their noses into my turf, gonna stake them out tonight" Jason had told Bruce the last night they'd seen each other, "My guys they were wearing white suits, terrible choice for Crime Alley or Gotham"
Red Hood had said he didn't need backup as he would just gather intel, still that was also the night Black Bat and Robin were paired for patrol and she'd indicated she'd check in on him before the end of the night.
The three never got to call in for the night.
Oracle had informed him that Red Hood's helmet had detonated, fortunately without him in it, its location the last place his children had pinged in the scanners.
The only audio they managed to recover from the device was "---Control Act, Article 1, Subse---Under Arrest---Questioning... And experimenting lots---"
Oracle had finally found the 'Anti-Ecto Acts', formally known as the Federal Anti-Ecto Control Act hidden along laws against the privatization of new green energy sources; Anything that was made off of or produced this so called 'ectoplasm' was to be handed over to the federal government's Ghost Investigation Ward for imprisonment, experimentation and finally termination.
"What the hell even is ectoplasm?"
"Its the source of all ghosts" Zatanna spoke up, repulsion clear as she read and reread the acts words, "Their body and souls are made up of the energy much like atoms make up all things in the physical world. The energy of the dead"
"According to these documents" Red Robin pulled up a research paper around two decades old from some students of the University of Wisconsin, "Ectoentities or ghosts are unfeeling, nonsentient echoes of their formerly living selves. They'd even theorized a means to access their home dimension they call the Ghost Zone"
"Ghost are made of bloody emotions" Constantine rolled his eyes "What kind of idiot would think otherwise? And don't get me started on a 'home dimension'--unless?"
"John, you don't think?"
"I sure as bloody hell hope not"
"The Infinite Realms!?"
Which only proved the situation more dire; a potential for a dimension that glued the multiverse and their afterlives, whose beings all had potential of rivaling the strength of a Super when provoked, their noted territorial nature making that a given if a portal happened upon them.
They were on a ticking time bomb to rescue their fellow heroes but they didn't even know where to start. Luckily they weren't the Justice League for nothing---
Potential locations scouted, teams made and buddy systems enacted for those potentially targeted.
Batman and his team headed to Amity Park to check on the three researchers of those papers-- Madeline Walker, Jack Fenton and Vladimir Masters. Background search revealed that Madeline and Jack had gotten married and had two children Jasmine and Daniel.
It wasn't until they crossed the town border in the dead of the night that their systems pinged the Fenton children were reported as runaways-- and not just them. The local high school had shut down as children were reported missing or also runaways from their parents. Even the faculty and some parents had begun to disappear.
Those that remained were kept under strict curfew by marshal law-- the GIW had the town under their control.
Just what exactly had they stumbled upon? Could their comrades be hidden somewhere in this small midwestern town?
Their theories were proven right the following night when tapping into their communication line about the 'aggressive subject G-02' and how 'it' had managed to break some arms when it had been relocated to the Fenton's personal lab. The 'unfortunate' Agent H who'd tried to yank it by its black and white contaminated hair had gotten his nose broken for it.
It was scheduled for biopsy tonight.
Batman couldn't help but taste the bile make his way up fearing/knowing who G-02 was.
His Team was right behind him in the change of plans as they made their way across town as covertly as they could; it seemed as though after finding out about G-02 (it couldn't be him, he couldn't put a name to him lest he let his fear override everything) Batman pinged on more and more of their ghost detectors.
Disabling was taking too long, loathe he admit, as they devolved to destroying as discreetly as they could.
Finally they could see the garish neon of the FentonWorks logo, the steps and door to the house were covered in ectoplasm and another familiar substance-- handmarks, clawmarks, clear signs of resistance could be made out.
And then Fentonworks went up in a flame and red and green.
Batman couldn't keep in his desperate cry. Not again! Please not again...
Even though Im afab, I feel like I grew up as a boy. Against my parents wishes, I hated feminine clothes, socialized exclusively with boys and other tomboys, cared about video games and superheroes and didn't understand why every girl seemed to want to play house.
I had a not like other girls complex, but it didn't feel the same as what people said about those girls. I didn't want sexual attention, I didn't *get* sexual attention, my friends told me on several occasions they forgot I was a girl. I was taller than most of them, and probably stronger than all of them. There was only one other girl in my friend group by the time i hit highschool. She was beautiful, funny, smart, fucked up, and the first person I ever fell in love with. Asking her out set off a string of drama that led to our friend group breaking up.
I hated other women from that point, couldn't bare to consider myself one. Didn't help that I had no control over the way I presented, I wasn't allowed to cut my hair or shop in the boys section. I doubled down, hell I tripled down, I was loudly and obnoxiously antifeminist, I hung out with libertarians, I fell down some rabbit holes Im not proud of. And the first time I heard about the concept of trans people, I laughed because I genuinely believed with my entire heart if gender was a choice no decent person would choose to be a girl.
And then I met a trans woman for the first time.
She was the single most captivating thing id ever laid my eyes on. Not in a sexual chaser kind of way, everything about her, the way she moved, the air about her, the joy in her laughter, the control in her eye contact, her fucking voice, every fucking thing about her felt like perfection to me. And I owe her my entire fucking life for becoming my friend and not giving up on me with my stupid shitty ideologies and backwards upbringing. She is my light. She is my mother. She saved me from drowning when I didn't even realize I was wet.
Through her I have learned that its okay to be trans and actually it's one of the coolest things you can be. I learned that women dont conform to the narrow view I had of them. I learned its okay to not be a woman. But I also learned that it IS okay to be one too.
I got better. I have friends of various genders. I love women so much, and I get a little sick thinking about the way i used to act and feel. I've grown my hair out again. I fuck around with makeup now even though Im not good enough to wear it out. I bought myself a dress and the thought of wearing it feels terrifying and exciting at the same time.
I dont really know what the point of typing this out is, other than to get it off my chest and out of my brain. I dont know where im left standing with my gender. To "detransition" feels like a betrayal of myself, I cant go "back" to living like a normal woman because I never lived as one, I was never really treated like one. But I find myself looking in the mirror and appreciating my curves for the first time. And I curl my hair and put on a little bit of mascara and I feel pretty for the first time in my life. I look at my stronger jawline and big nose and all the features I was told were undesirable and I see the beautiful trans women who made me appreciate womanhood in the first place. And for the first time in my life I dont feel so alone.
