fairphantoms

random, not-so-random thoughts.

[fairphantoms]

I've always known that I am the one who gets left behind, the one who gave too much of her heart. I fall too deeply for people who wouldn't spare a second glance at me. I look for a love that does not exist except within the confines of my dreams.

I break my own heart.

[fairphantoms]

I've been running myself ragged, wondering where my softness fits in a world with sharp edges, hoping that my kindness is a gift and not a weakness.

just looking for a place in this world

[fairphantoms]

Some days I feel okay, content though not quite present, wondering if there are no more storms to defeat, if surviving can substitute living.

Some days I feel tired down to every frayed nerve in my heavy body, dragging my feet around, hoping I won’t wake up at all the next day.

Some days I feel nothing at all, not a dangerous edge of recklessness or a prickling sense of urgency. These are the days I fear most. These are the days I spend hiding in my mind.

[fairphantoms]

They think I got better. I didn’t; I just got better at pretending.

[fairphantoms]

Love is selfish. It means looking for someone broken to fit into your jagged pieces, to mend all the places in your heart that were splintered. Love is two halves masquerading as a whole.

[fairphantoms]

It is important for me to be distracted. I keep myself busy — finding new hobbies to immerse myself in and new masks to cover my face with — so that I don’t have time to think. It is only in the quiet of the night that I am stripped of all my distractions and disguises and left with the thundering thought: I am alone, and I am empty.

[fairphantoms]

I’m terrified that I will always be lonely, terrified and resigned.

[fairphantoms]

You look in the mirror and hate what you see: a stranger’s body. Everywhere too bony, skin too blotchy and red, nose too curved, tummy too round. Not a beautiful body, but a concealed wound. You look in the mirror and hate what you are: too ugly to be worthy.

[fairphantoms]

I’ve felt so little for so long. I can’t help but hold on to the anger. All I have is the anger.

[fairphantoms]

I wish there was some way to know that at the very end, it would still be you and I.

[fairphantoms]

For a split second, I can forget. I am easily distracted, hopelessly fooled by a warm smile or gentle wave. But my mind eventually returns. 2 am, and I feel terribly alone.

[fairphantoms]

I carried this heavy body for so long that I needed to fill her with light. I invented alternate versions of her to escape to — stories of royalty and adventure, trials of love and betrayal, memories of a happier me. She dreams of her own history, hoping everyday to wake up to a better story in a kinder world. It is a shame. I can keep her happy for the most tender and fleeting of moments, but I cannot keep her warm.

[laninabonilla]

“Maybe I was destined to forever fall in love with people I couldn’t have. Maybe there’s a whole assortment of impossible people waiting for me to find them. Waiting to make me feel the same impossibility over and over again.”

Carol Rifka Brunt (Tell the Wolves I’m Home)

[logicaldreamer]

You didn’t know anything about me because you never asked.

T. // ten word story #59

(via

logicaldreamer)

[thequotejournals]

You think ‘Okay, I get it, I’m prepared for the worst’, but you hold out that small hope, see, and that’s what f*cks you up. That’s what kills you.

Stephen King, Joyland (via thequotejournals)

[fairphantoms]

I don't care about you anymore.

But I still wait for that call.

[fairphantoms]

2 am is when I remember. 2 am is when I can't, won't, long to forget -- the softness of your step, the raspiness of your voice, the sweetness of your smile. 2 am is when you're sound asleep, not a trace of my lips on your skin. 2 am is when you thrive on your carelessness and I suffer from your callousness.

- 2:35 am