My Secret Diary

My rants, thoughts, feelings... things that I wouldn't ever really say to anyone I know but to my personal diary.

[fallendaisypetal]

Stupid in love

I have turned into the type of girls I hate the most and vowed to never be like. I feel stupid looking at his unresponsive message. I hate how his temper depresses me and yet it's always me who gives in... Because if I don't, I will miss him too much. I hate him... but I hate myself the most for being like this. So stupid... so fucking stupid.

[fallendaisypetal]

Living Life

Life isn't perfect, but it isn't those imperfection that ruins it. It is the obsession and indulgence in those flaws that makes life miserable. I, myself, will not let the ugliness of life hold me back. Life is short and you never know when the last day is. As cliche as it sounds, you only live once. Take destiny in your own hands, rather than let it lead you!

[fallendaisypetal]

Happy

Who cares what others think! He loves me and that makes me love him more and more. There does not have to be a better reason than that.

[fallendaisypetal]

Love....

For the first time in my life... I have hope for happiness. Love... a truly miraculous thing that found me out of the blue. I am still scared that this is all a dream and that I might wake up... but I am dashing forward with baby steps. I am happier than I used to be and no longer wallow too much in my depression of the past, so hopefully no more depressing things from me now on...

[fallendaisypetal]

Being the Bigger Person

Why do I always have to be the nice one and the one who bows down to make things right? Why do I have to feel guilty about shit that isn't even my fault? I'm the one who has less advantage in this relationship, and yet you always threaten me with what little right I have. Well guess what, F**k YOU! I've had enough. No more listening to you and helping your ass out.

[fallendaisypetal]

Pit of Darkness

I have fallen into this pit of darkness and there's no end to this abyss that keeps sucking me in deeper. This unstable lifestyle had become the norm for me and what used to be normal is now only just a dream. Though I am scared, I just can't wait till I finally hit the real rock bottom and actually fall into the eternal darkness... the one where I no longer have a conscious and just disappear forever.

[fallendaisypetal]

Life Sucks even with a Degree

Graduated with Honors and top of my class in high school. Graduated with good-but-not-great standing in college (GPA of 3.49). Now I'm a bum with an uncertain future and a B.S. degree that can't help get me any job. At times like this, I just want to dig a hole and bury myself in it.

[fallendaisypetal]

Hate

Hate is a strong word; however, don’t misunderstand and think of it this way: I hate you because I cared so much. Because I cared so much, it hurts even more. Because the hurt is so painful, I hated you. So don’t be mad that I hate you, since it means that I loved you so much that I came to hate as much.

[fallendaisypetal]

When You Care...

Everything hurts more when you care... I guess I need to learn how to not give a damn.

[fallendaisypetal]

Depression

My depression is not the result of one single event but is the result of many little horrible things that just piled up over time. I bottled up every negativities that were thrown my way, and now it's just getting to the point of overflowing not just the bottle but the room too, causing me to drown in it. I can't breathe and I'm slowly dying...

[fallendaisypetal]

Losing My Mind...

Sometimes I feel like losing my mind, even going as far as hearing things that I'm not suppose to hear. At night, my mother weeps and pray, and the sounds she makes always scare me... and lately, I would hear that same noise even when she is not home. For some reason Edger Allan Poe's 'Tell-Tale Heart' comes to mind. Except for the fact that she's not dead (and I am not a murderer), I guess I hear it due to the fact that I feel guilty for contributing to her pain...?

[fallendaisypetal]

My Wish...

I hate myself. I hate my life. I’m always angry and depress all the time. I really can not find a reason to continue living. If only I was not such a coward, I would already kill myself. Right now, my only wish is to die alone and away from all these people. If I die, I want to find a place where no one will find me or my body. If I can just disappear...

[fallendaisypetal]

Who I Am...

Who am I? People sees me through the eyes of others. They understand me by the mouths that spread rumors. Even if its not really who I am, that is who I become… all just because society says so. No matter what goods I’ve done, its the bad they remember. No matter how hard I try, I will always be pulled down. You tell me to be strong? You tell me to keep trying to prove my worth? What’s the use? So you ask, who am I? A woman who had given up on everyone and everything in her life… that is who I am.

[fallendaisypetal]

Depression...

I’m so depress… so depress that nothing makes me feel better about life. There’s a suffocating feeling in my chest, making it hard to breath. Each breath fills my eyes with unshed tears. Everything just depresses me and there is nothing I can do about it.

[fallendaisypetal]

Regrets...

There's so many things I regret... so many what ifs and could have been.... but all of that are of no use now, because time only moves forward and not backward.

[fallendaisypetal]

Unproductive....

As always, today was unproductive... and I am sure that tomorrow will be no difference. I never would have thought of this as my future... such a disappointment.

[fallendaisypetal]

Hair Pulling Frustration

When nothing more can be done, I can only laugh a tearful laugh to ignore the stupidity of the situation that I placed myself into. All that hard work for nothing.... /: