My Dark Disquiet

|| Hiatus | Indie Private & Mutuals Only (low activity) Multifandom Multimuse Roleplay Blog | 'A reality made of dreams' | Written by Jester ||

[fallsekings]

OOC: I have been in New York the past 2 weeks and will be here for another month and a half. I have a long distance relationship type of situation going on, so I'm here to spend time with my significant other. I've had fun so far and I've been trying new things. For example, I had never had sushi before in my life and I finally got to try it. I was a little skeptical at first, but I was pleasantly surprised. I've gotten to try different types of tea for the first time and I genuinely like the ones that I have tried. I also got to experience my first Pokemon card drop at midnight at GameStop, which was pretty cool (listen we don't have a GameStop where I'm from, so...) Last year when I came here to see him, I also got to see Niagara Falls for the first time. I'm just really enjoying spending time with my significant other because man, long distance relationships can be difficult at times.

But yeah that's where I'm at at the moment.

[fallsekings]

OOC: I have a question. One of my hold ups has been "worrying" what other people think, and while I know you can't always make everyone happy... I do have trouble just being myself at times. I used to like writing long metas and sometimes "history" related to my history muses and that sort of thing... but I sometimes worry that it annoys people. so my question is, would you guys like to see more of that? Metas and such?

I just have a lizard brain guys. Blame it. No one has made me believe it's not okay. But lizard brain is doing what it does. I have a hard time ignoring it.

[fallsekings]

OOC: That moment when some of your posts have been flagged for having nsfw content in it and literally it's just a gif of a lady, fully clothed, laying on a bed and another gif of someone putting a necklace on a girl.

Like excuse me tumblr? When did laying on a bed become too risqué?

I'm pretty sure I am one of the most vanilla people on tumblr lol

[fallsekings]

OOC: I just want to put out there, if you've ever wondered why Lucy Grey Baird seems to be forgotten about by the time of the original Hunger Games trilogy... it is simply because of the power of propaganda, which the Capitol is very good and effective at. They always control the narrative that is being told and if Snow wants to wipe you out of existence, he very well could do just that... even if you are a Victor, he can still wipe you out of history books, so to speak. If you've ever watched 1984, or read the book, Panem's society is very much like that book.

If you haven't read 1984 before, the government is always rewriting books, history books, and even news papers. If the Government said something would happen, and a week later it did not happen, then the government would collect those news papers, burn them, and rewrite the paper to act as though that were the plan all along. 1984 also creates fake wars to unite the people in thinking that the Government is protecting them from said wars. It also tortures and kills anyone that goes against the official narrative that the government is putting out... so much so they create a false hope, that there is a resistance movement to find those who have "wrong think", aka it finds people who are not completely brainwashed and they're looking for a way out. aka bait.

In the Hunger Games, it is quite similar. Instead of "war", they have created a "rumor of a war", that these games must take place because the Districts are "othered", they're "animals", and the only way to control them is the Hunger Games themselves. It's psychological warfare, to make the population believe that they're all enemies, that no one can work together and the government has made them believe so. They have made them believe that the government can take their children and they can't do a damn thing to stop it from happening. However! The "hope" the Panem government does give is letting there be one Victor.

"Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear. A little hope is effective. A lot of hope is dangerous. A spark is fine, as long as it’s contained."

My point is this. The Government of Panem is very effective at making everyone believe that the Games are acceptable, through propaganda, and it is through that same propaganda, that the narrative can be controlled and manipulated and changed. You can kinda see it in the Games themselves, how they manipulate events, such as setting a fire to make Katniss run in the direction of more opponents, or creating a "fake" love story to invest the Capitol citizens. They also left RUBBLE in the streets from the rebellion, to keep that same rebellion, on the minds of their citizens .every. single. day.

At the end of the day, propaganda wins wars. Do I approve of that? No, but unfortunately it's the way things are. I could go into that, but that's not what my blog is for.

[fallsekings]

OOC: It's the year 2026 and there's people on this hellsite that still doesn't understand what we're meaning when we say something like, "why is our muse like this?" It is a joke and we don't really think that we don't have any control whatsoever over them... we just know the muses well enough that we can predict how they will react.

"Cause and effect"

Yes, at the end of the day, we can control our muses, we're the ones typing everything up, we can change their reaction to something if we wanted to... but sometimes that just leads to characters being "out of character" and that's not what we want is it?

[fallsekings]

OOC: I just saw something on Facebook that said that Haymitch thought of Maysilee as a "sister", because he called her "sis", that is not necessarily true, just because he called her that. Haymitch and the others are from the Appalachian mountains, where I'm from, so I know the word more than most people of the fandom. We really do just throw that word out there to be friendly to someone. It's like the counterpart of "bro". Do we really think that everyone using the word "bro" thinks of the other person as a brother?

Appalachian people uses words like "sis", "sissy", for a girl and "bub" and "bubby" for a boy, too. It's as natural as breathing to say those words here.

So, while Haymitch did begin to like her before she died, him using the word "sis" does not automatically mean he thinks of her a sister. Could he? Maybe? I'm just saying to not base it on that word alone. I just wanted to toss that thought out there. Take it from someone who grew up in "coal country" in the Appalachian mountains.

If anyone is interested in learning more about our dialect, I could toss it out there, too.

[kureijei]

FINALLY FINISHED THIS!! my own interpretation and additions to Sebastian's room in sdv ! Tried to keep anything in the image from the year 2010 or predated. i think theres a few give and takes but i really like the "older brother" early 2000s grunge aesthetic on another level and i thought who better fits it than him. I put a lot of references to stuff i personally like as well ^_^

[fallsekings]

OOC: Is anyone interested in having memes sent to you by Sebastian from Stardew Valley?

[fallsekings]

OOC: believe it or not, I have been working on stuff for my blog in the background the past few days. I will say that I may not be using icons for a while, though. Truth be told, I just want to write and not get too caught up with other stuff and I hope that's okay with you guys. Will icons come back in the future? Maybe but if I'm going to be writing, I will most likely be using a mobile device and the app to do that atm and so just want to play in the kiddy pool and not the deep end for the time being.

If you've sent me memes while I've been absent, I promise you, none of them has been deleted, I will be working on those, too. I appreciate all of the memes you guys have sent and I'm so sorry for being slow. I honestly think the mental health meds I'm on have made being creative rather difficult. Used to, before I was on medication, my brain never turned off, it was always going 90 miles an hour and that was anxiety driven and I understand that now. I thought once I had medication, that it would help weed out anxiety and help me focus more on writing again, but that hasn't really been the case... The medicine I'm on makes my brain really quiet now and I think that's what has affected my ability to write.

Just to give you guys an idea, the medicine I'm on for anxiety, is also prescribed to people who have seizures, too. It helps slow down activity in the brain down. But that's only one medicine. I'm on three different ones. Another one being for insomnia and another emergency one for anxiety when the other two aren't working.

I'm not trying to make excuses for not being here. I've honestly tried putting my finger on what's going on with me for awhile now. I want to be here and I want to write, just my brain is really sluggish at times.

[fallsekings]

OOC: if you guys wonder why I am normally not open to shipping with a lot of muns on tumblr...

It's because in the past I've been harassed, had a callout post against me, was told to go unalive myself, I've been blackmailed, guilted and gaslit, all by different people, because I either shipped something that made them jealous or didn't write something that I didn't want to write. I was actually told once that I was a terrible writer because I was "depriving my muses of their needs" because I didn't like writing smut... and now because of that, I always worry that I will bore people with my writing, especially when it comes to shipping because I don't write smut and don't want to...

All of this happened forever ago, and as far as I know they're not on tumblr anymore, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't effect me.

I only bring all of this up because of a confession I saw on a confession blog...

[mcavoy]

The person I reblogged this from is awesome as fuck.

[fallsekings]

OOC: It always baffles me that we judge children characters the same way we judge adult characters. I am not saying children can do no wrong, but sometimes kids don't understand life the way the adults do. They don't tend to understand the long term effects that some of their actions can have... and we just tend to expect them to know everything that we do without any life experiences whatsoever.

I want to use Draco Malfoy as an example. He was a bully and an all around jerk... but keep in mind he was 10-11 years old when we first saw him. 10. That is pretty young. His dad had basically "programmed" his mind to think like he did, because Draco had never known anything else. We think some things should just be "common sense", but this is us judging a CHILD as an adult. As the series continues though, we slowly start to see the cracks forming in his character. He talked the talk but couldn't walk the walk, so to speak. When push came to shove he did NOT like seeing or taking part in killing or death. When reality finally set in, he didn't like it... this was a child seeing reality for the first time. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt.

In the end he does decide to change and attempt to move away from the stigmas that his family name was attached to... and I'm not saying that erases anything that he said or did, because it doesn't... but the things he said and did as a child shouldn't condemn him for the rest of his life either.

[fallsekings]

OOC: So after being in panic mode this past month, several tests later, my cardiologist said that my heart was "normal" and he thinks it's just stress and anxiety causing the issues... So I am finally relieved after being told that I was okay. I was losing sleep and stress eating, so hopefully I can move on now. I still have to tell my therapist and RN the results, since they were the ones that sent me, but all is well now. Thanks everyone for their understanding and patience.

[fallsekings]

OOC: Hey guys, I just want to talk about something that's been going on lately, and for a long time with me now. I've wrote a lot about my mental health issues, but not how deeply that they have ran with me... and how that has effected my physical health as well. I'll write the rest below a "read more" as to not trigger anyone, but I kinda hope this may be someone's sign to stop putting off a visit to your doctor.

I have really bad anxiety stemming from trauma, so it's not your "normal" anxiety one may feel about taking a test, it's something a bit deeper. I have such bad anxiety about going to the doctor that I quit going for around 18 years... lots can happen in 20 years. I stopped going to the dentist and I let one of my teeth continually painfully throb in my mouth until it chipped and died, so now there is no fixing it. I didn't go to the doctor for bad back pain over the years, and I've also gotten a mild concussion and refused to go. Every winter I get blisters on my hands, but I never went. I didn't go when I got covid, I never went to the eye doctor to get glasses, even though my vision was getting more blurry by the year, I have never gotten my driver's license because of it.... and on and on and on.

When you don't treat anxiety, it can effect you in other ways aside from mentally. Anxiety releases cortisol, which is a stress hormone, that can make your inflammation go up and cause things like back pain to get worse.

Now the point I am writing all of this is, Cortisol can also effect your heart. I have passed out many times because of my heart acting up (and the last time I passed out I also refused to go to the doctor), and now that I am actually getting therapy, the medicine I get from my mental health professionals, can't be given to me unless I am cleared by a cardiologist. My heart rate flies away from me now after many many years of untreated anxiety.

My RN that does my mental health meds, after an EKG last week, her nurse called me Tuesday morning, to tell me that I needed to see my Primary Doctor ASAP so I could be recommended to a Cardiologist. I told them the date that I could come in and I scheduled an appointment, and then later that day my Primary Doctor gave me a personal phone call to tell me that I needed to see her (on Wednesday) and so I spent all day yesterday getting more blood tests, and another EKG and going back and forth between the clinic, the cardiologist, getting medicine, etc, etc.

My point is, I know healthcare can be expensive, especially where mental health is concerned. If you have a mental illness, do not put it off until it is too late and at the very least talk to your primary doctor. I am currently sitting here typing this with a heart monitor on that I will have to wear until Saturday and I have more tests to come afterwards.

I know a lot of this may sound crazy... but my family has a lot of bad health problems and I grew up hearing about the number of heart attacks and strokes different members of my family has had. This is also not my first trip to the Cardiologist... my last visit was what made me stop going to the doctor all together.

Just please go to your doctor. I am currently trying to get my life together atm after years of neglecting myself. Please don't wait and hope things will get better eventually... because they won't if you make no moves to get better.

The only reason I changed is because something happened... and let's just say I realized the fear of losing someone in my life was more scary than my fear of going to the doctor to get better. I've been working on it the past 3 years, and I still have a while to go to get better... so please don't wait.

[thunderousmemes]

𝐃𝐑𝐔𝐍𝐊𝐄𝐍 𝐑𝐄𝐆𝐑𝐄𝐓𝐒 & 𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐍 – 𝐑𝐎𝐋𝐄𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐘 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒

(slurred honesty, trembling hands, and the kind of truths that only spill when the world is blurry)

𝐒𝐭𝐮𝐦𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐝 𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐟𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬

“I didn’t mean to call you… actually, no. I did. I just shouldn’t have.”

“Why does it hurt more when I’m sober? At least like this I can pretend.”

“I keep trying to forget you. But tonight? You’re all I remember.”

“I said I’d moved on. But look at me — I’m still falling apart.”

“Tell me you miss me too… just lie to me for one night.”

“If I start crying, don’t you dare walk away.”

“I tried to drink you out of my system. It didn’t work.”

“Please… just stay until the room stops spinning.”

𝐁𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐥𝐞𝐝 𝐔𝐩 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐞

“I shouldn’t be saying this, but you ruined me. Completely.”

“You were supposed to stay. Why didn’t you stay?”

“I wish I hated you. It would make this easier.”

“Don’t look at me like that — like I’m something to save.”

“I’m tired of pretending I’m fine. I’m not.”

“You don’t get to walk back into my life like nothing broke.”

“You’re the reason I drink, you know that?”

“I shouldn’t want you here… but I do.”

𝐋𝐢𝐪𝐮𝐨𝐫-𝐒𝐨𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐎𝐥𝐝 𝐖𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐬

“I thought if I numbed it, the past would stop clawing at me.”

“I still hear your goodbye every time I close my eyes.”

“Why didn’t you fight for me?”

“I know I messed up. I just don’t know how to fix it anymore.”

“I keep imagining what we could’ve been.”

“Tell me… was any of it real?”

“I shouldn’t have pushed you away. I know that now.”

“I didn’t lose you. I threw you away. And I hate myself for it.”

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐑𝐨𝐨𝐦 𝐒𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐬, 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐎𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐬

“Don’t look at me like that. I’ll say things I can’t take back.”

“If I kiss you right now… will you stop me?”

“I’m drunk, not stupid — I know you still care.”

“You’re the only person I want to see when I’m like this.”

“Sit with me. Please. I don’t want to be alone tonight.”

“Can you just… hold me? Just this once.”

“I shouldn’t tell you this, but gods, I miss you.”

“If I pass out, promise you won’t disappear.”

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐃𝐫𝐮𝐧𝐤 𝐃𝐢𝐚𝐥 𝐃𝐢𝐬𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫

“Ignore everything I said earlier. Or don’t. I don’t care anymore.”

“Yeah, I’m drunk. But that doesn’t make the truth less real.”

“I didn’t call anyone else. Just you.”

“I need you. And I hate that.”

“Can you come get me? I don’t trust myself alone.”

“If I show up on your doorstep, promise you won’t slam the door?”

“I miss your voice. Say something. Anything.”

“I know you’re angry… but I’m not hanging up until you talk to me.”

𝐒𝐨𝐛𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐤𝐞

“You don’t have to forgive me… just listen.”

“I can’t forget what I did. I just wish you’d tell me it didn’t ruin everything.”

“If I hurt you, I need to hear it from you. Not from my guilt.”

“Stay until morning. Let me face this with you.”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do without you anymore.”

“I’m sorry. Not the drunk kind… the real kind.”

“When I wake up tomorrow, I’ll still want you here.”

“If this is goodbye, let me remember how your voice sounds.”

[rpmemes-galore]

Stargate: Atlantis — Poisoning the Well {Sentence Starters}

“You miss it.”

“And you support this?”

“I meant no disrespect.”

“St-stay… stay with me…”

“I think you’re delusional.”

“They will spare no one…”

“This is very… impressive.”

“I’m at peace with my fate.”

“Don’t look at me that way.”

“You don’t have to do this…”

“I wish I’d had no part in this.”

“What have you done to me?”

“I’m sure it’ll work like a charm.”

“I think you’ll fine this intriguing.”

“Okay, I’m intrigued. What is it?”

“I was already on an alien planet.”

“You realize what you’re asking for..?”

“What do you hope to gain from this?”

“You speak differently than the others.”

“You have nothing to offer me in return!”

“Is he… I mean, are you certain he’s…?”

“Hey, man, this isn’t supposed to be fun.”

“Can’t be a nice way to die… hungry, slow.”

“Peaceful? You’re out of your bloody mind.”

“Believe me, I’m more surprised than anyone.”

“I am your death. That is all you need to know.” 

“You would never sacrifice one of your own kind.”

“What road did you think we were headed down?”

“Don’t you think celebrations are a bit premature?”

“Anything’s possible if you’re willing to give it a go.”

“But, that’s no reason for you to face that creature.”

“Now you want to exercise caution, are you serious?”

“Please don’t deny me the chance to help my people.”

“The point is, we don’t get a lot of opportunities like this!”

“To tell you the truth, I don’t know how they would react.”

“You will suffer far worse when the others come for you.”

“No matter what happens, my death with have meaning.”

“You are doomed… as are any humans who stand in our way.”

“You tell me something of value, I let you eat… That’s the deal.”

“If they’re onto something, maybe we can speed up the process.”

“That’s not even volunteering, is it? It’s being pressed into service.”

“Even if I told you want you wanted to know, it would change nothing.”

“Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t make them stop. Not without more proof.”

“I don’t even know your name. You guys do have names, right? Let me guess… Steve?”

“Are you willing to risk thousands of people’s lives based on that assumption? Because I’m not!”

[5source]

✰─ 𝐙𝐎𝐌𝐁𝐈𝐄𝐋𝐀𝐍𝐃 - quotes

quotes taken from the movie ZOMBIELAND. feel free to change anything to your liking !! cw; alcohol, cursing

-- " it's amazing how quick things can go from bad to total shit storm. " -- " I survive because I play it safe and I follow the rules. " -- " I've always been kind of a loner. " -- " you almost knocked over your alcohol with your knife. " -- " one and done I always say... - I said that once. " -- " wanna stick together? at least for a while. " -- " I can tell already you are gonna get on my nerves. " -- " you fucking with me? " -- " you should actually limber up too. " -- " I hate coconut. not the taste, the consistency. " -- " when you're afraid of everything out there, you quit going out there. " -- " I don't normally unlock my door to the sound of panic. " -- " so uh, tell me what happened? " -- " I didn't even tell you the worst part. " -- " sorry, i'm just so scared. " -- " the point is, i'm here for you. " -- " I had always, my whole life wanted to brush a girl's hair over her ear. " -- " oh my god, I am so fucking sorry. " -- " the first time I let a girl into my life and she tries to eat me. " -- " you wanna feel how hard I can punch? " -- " I worry about you. " -- " time to nut up or shut up. " -- " you gotta purty mouth. " -- " you're incredible. " -- " come quick. " -- " someone's ear is in danger of having hair brushed over it. " -- " when in doubt, know your way out. " -- " don't talk about me like i'm not here! " -- " we already said goodbye but we don't have a gun. " -- " wait wait wait... i'll do it. " -- " those guys were dumb. " -- " I want my caddy back! " -- " you think you two of us are smart enough to come up with a con like that? " -- " you are scary happy. " -- " you gotta enjoy the little things. " -- " you got taken hostage by a twelve year old? " -- " you made someone very happy. " -- " that place totally blows- my mind... " -- " I may not shoot you but you have still royally pissed me off. " -- " it's tough growing up. " -- " oh my god. you're thinking about fucking ___. " -- " ok, let me begin my three part apology. " -- " whoa this place is incredible. " -- " hello, inside voices. at least until we know we're alone! " -- " dibs on the bed. " -- " if she had a type, if you can have a type... what would that be? " -- " he's like a little bunny. " -- " is that how you say hello where you come from? " -- " you think you might pull through? " -- " that's my bad, I was never a good practical joker. " -- " so do you have any regrets? " -- " you want some purell? " -- " I wasn't the only one running from something. " -- " exhale slowly, and pull the trigger. " -- " don't make me drink alone. " -- " you jealous of ___? " -- " those bitches! " -- " I don't even know your name, but this is actually nice. " -- " I mean you have the guts of a guppy, but I could hit that. " -- " you are like a giant cock-blocking robot like, developed in a secret fucking government lab. " -- " trust no one, just you and me. " -- " this is the problem getting attached to someone. " -- " hey, you weren't exactly gonna score anyway. " -- " look, you ever read that book 'she just not that into you'? " -- " I'm not great at farewells so uh, that'll do pig. " -- " finally got to first base, not bad. " -- " oh god.. words can not express. " -- " too soon. " -- " without other people, you might as well be a zombie. "