taz graduation as quotes from john mulaney’s “kid gorgeous”
sir fitzroy maplecourt: when i walk down the street, i need everybody, all day long, to like me so much. it’s exhausting. my partner said that walking around with me is like walking around with someone who’s running for mayor of nothing.
argo keene: i thought i was going to be murdered my entire childhood. in high school people were like, “what are your top three colleges?” i was like, “top three colleges? i thought i would be dead in a trunk with my hand hanging out of the taillight by now.”
the firbolg: the guy tried to give me a big receipt. he’s like, “take this receipt for the clothing for your taxes.” how do i write that on my taxes?
hieronymous & higglemas wiggenstaff: go ahead and laugh. his name is ridiculous.
grey: ‘cause look at you all, you’re just sitting there in chairs, looking at a guy with absolutely no expertise, who’s going to talk for a while.
chaos: they looked like they should be the conductor on a locomotive powered by confetti. but, instead, they made their living in murder.
jackle: yeah, he was not a “spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down” kind of guy. he was more like, “brush your teeth. now, boom, orange juice. that’s life.”
the commodore: “let’s change the subject! why are we even talking about shebrie… or whatever her name was? i didn’t kill her! whoever did kill her only did it to protect her from this world.”
the garys: [audience laughing]
rainer: was there ever even a ghost, mother, or was the dead victorian girl you saw just me all along?
the thundermen: “what’s a clique?” “it’s when a group of people hang out together.” “oh, you mean like having friends?” “no, because these people make fun of other people.” “oh, you mean like having friends?”
hieronymous wiggenstaff’s school for heroism and villainy: i have friends i went to college with and they’re like, “you should donate and be a good alumnus.” and they wear shirts that say “school” and it’s like, look… if you’re an adult still giving money to your college, college is a $120,000 hooker and you are an idiot who fell in love with her.
mission imp hospital: “i have a nuclear bomb and i’m going to blow up the hospital!”
the adventure zone: of all the sentences in that email i would be ashamed to have read out loud in a court of law, i think the top one is “see you at improv practice.”
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