Cleo Jinn's Closet

[fangirl-cleojinn]

the fact that i

[fangirl-cleojinn]

I Run

Maybe the reason I am alone is because every time a guy gets close, every time I think maybe this could become more, I push him away. Because I don’t want to be hurt by a guy. Because I don’t want to have to go through, don’t want to put other people through, what Papa put me through. What Papa put Mama through, what Papa put our whole family through. I don’t want that to happen to me. And I’m scared it will. And I’m scared I might be the one to put people through it. And I’m scared a guy might do that to me. And I don’t want that to happen, so when I feel like I might be liking a guy who likes me back, I hide. I run. I put the guy straight into the friend zone if he’s lucky, get as far away from him as I can if he’s not.

I’m a coward. I’m a cynic. I don’t believe in the good in humanity. I don’t believe in true love, as much as I wish I could. I don’t believe that I will ever be worth that much to someone. I don’t believe anyone will ever value me enough to work hard in our relationship, because I’m just not enough. Not smart enough, not beautiful enough. Not brave enough, not talented enough, not happy enough, not rich enough. I’m scared that as soon as he realizes that, he’ll find someone else. Someone who is perfect for him. Someone who is not me.

I’m scared.

I’m scared of him, I’m scared of me. I’m scared of a relationship. So I run. I run, and hide. Hide behind a mask of “I don’t care”, hide behind a mask of “I’m just not into guys”. When in reality, I’m scared.

Scared of giving my heart to someone just to have them tear it apart. Scared of loving someone and having a family together, only for that all to be ripped and thrown away. Scared of being the one who gets bored and leaves. Scared of someone else getting bored of me and leaving. Scared of being alone after becoming one with someone. Scared of losing the thing that made me so happy.

And so I run. I run and hide. I run and leave them behind. I look back and I wonder if things could have been different, and I regret that I didn’t give him a chance, but I don’t regret it. Because I don’t want to take the chance. I don’t want to be left like trash. I don’t want to give him the opportunity to rip my world apart. I don’t want my life to become a sad and alone after it being so full and alive. I don’t want to be proven right.

[fangirl-cleojinn]

Don’t mind me, I’m just over here crying while listening to “Two of Us” by Louis Tomlinson. 

[fangirl-cleojinn]

Thoughts I think as Sunday ends and Monday begins (for context I am also slightly drunk):

You know that if you think up something there is a 98% chance that someone else will have though of it. A 75% chance that if you do the thing you think of someone else will also do that thing. So if you do the maths if you do something to help the world than a lot of people will also do that thing to help the world.

So do the good thing in the world. Use the annoying statistic—the one that doesn’t let you meet celebrities because everyone else has already thought up that cool way to get their attention—and do something good in this world. Do something selfless for this gorgeous world we live in. Do something good.

[fangirl-cleojinn]

I wish I lived alone so I could make popcorn in the middle of the night if I wanted to.

[fangirl-cleojinn]

No one will ever see me Bully Maguire dancing to this song while I brush my teeth, and I can’t say I’m sorry about that.

#ialsoshakiradancetothissong #truereasonineverletanyonegetclose #mytruepurposeinlife #sorrynotsorry

[fangirl-cleojinn]

[fangirl-cleojinn]

Fall

Full of fun

In the sun

Leaves of red

And yet dead

They fall down

Dreams hit ground

[fangirl-cleojinn]

Told by the World

I’m weird, I’m too short, I say crazy things

That’s what I’ve been told

All my life by the world

It told me I had to be pretty

That every word I said had to be right

I tried to be perfect

But everyone was a critic

Everything I did only made it worse

Not better

I tried to be good

But I was called stuck up

I thought being bad would fix my problems

But then everyone called me a fake

I tried being perky

I tried being sweet

But everything I did

Only made me seem weak

How could I be myself

When the world said

Who I was wasn’t good enough?

Not good enough

Not smart enough

My parents were not rich enough

I tried most of my life

To fit in with the crowd

But I soon found

That no matter how hard I tried

The world would keep messing

With my mind

So I decided to be myself

Don’t worry about what others say

For no matter what they say

It doesn’t matter either way

They aren’t perfect anyway

I can do what I want

Say what I want

Dress how I want

Be who I want

I can be the silly short girl

Who’s proud of her crazy hair

Who says crazy things

At all the wrong times

Who may often spit out poems

Without any rhymes

I can dream silly things

That reach for the stars

I can climb the high mountain

I can touch people’s hearts

My life is my life

You go care about yours

When life closes a window

I will throw open the doors

[fangirl-cleojinn]

Back to Reality

Marvel tells us Loki was mind controlled (like we’ve been saying all along) and then they tell us Loki is dead. How cruel.

But... they told us that that the title for Avengers 4 was not said in Infinity War. And yet Dr. Strange clearly says “endgame”, and that is now the title of Avengers 4. Avengers: Endgame. They have lied to us before. Why is Loki’s death any different? #lokisnotdead