fastidious

trying to write - and failing

[fastidious-writing]

Why is it that every time I sit down to write, the words don't flow?

I want to be creative but creativity stops flowing the second my cursor is on the screen.

It's worse than words getting stuck in my head. The words hide from me. Then they get mad when they go unexpressed, never to be seen, and forgotten.

[fastidious-writing]

Something people don’t talk about:

The guilt of growing up. The tears in your moms voice when she says “I miss you”

The posts of “All my kids under one roof” or “Got the whole family together”

All I’ve wanted to do is grow up, and now that I have… it’s sad.

[fastidious-writing]

You know what I miss? When I was their favorite person. It seems like it was forever ago, and it stinks because it wasn’t. I can remember the exact date they stopped taking to me with effort. I can remember when they slipped through my fingertips, when i thought it was impossible. I hate to admit it to myself, but I really miss them because now I feel like I’m missing a piece. I miss them for who they used to be.

[fastidious-writing]

i don’t wanna be known as the friend that’s always smiling and always laughing. i don’t wanna be know as the funny one. i want to be seen as an equal. and a human being. i want to be able to have feelings and not feel like i have to stick to my label, because that’s what i’ve been given. i want a different hand of cards then i was dealt. please.

[fastidious-writing]

it was going so good. life was great. and then i found all the lies and betrayal and now i don’t know what to do with them. do i be christ-like and forgive, even when it hurts so bad? i can’t carry this. i want to be ok again. because being this hurt again, feeling it so clearly again, sucks.

[fastidious-writing]

how DO you know if you like someone? is it when you notice every little detail about them? remember their favorite whatever, if they tell you? lose your breathe but the mention of them when others ask? ease drop when you hear someone talking about them? i have no answers and it kills me. rip.

[fastidious-writing]

i hate that i can’t do anything. i long to reach through the phone and give a much needed hug to someone who needs it, and a much deserved fist in the face to another. but all i can do is listen and apologize? this sucks.

[fastidious-writing]

Do people ever give you that look and you’re just like “damn I’m sorry I exist, I promise I don’t want me to either”

[fastidious-writing]

Bruh I’m so tired of school and work and friends in general. I wanna quit and get land and make it my own. I want to build a koi pond, and have horses. Secluded and alone with only select people to come visit me. Is that too much to ask? Yes.