If you’re living in an abusive environment, and you often doubt your own memories and wonder if it’s really that bad or if you’re overreacting, here’s a few things you can do:
Write down what your abusers are telling you in the time of abuse. It can be easy to disregard it at the time it’s happening, but once you write it down, you can read it later and only then see how actually horrid and disgusting these words are. Whenever you doubt yourself, read these words. No loving parent or partner would say words like that, no matter what kind of angry they are. If you write in the dates too, these writings will also serve as a proof, if at any time you decide to take legal action against them.
Check the double standards – would you be able to get away with acting toward the abuser the same way they’re acting towards you? Would you be safe doing any of the things abusers are doing to you? For instance, if they threaten you, or pick apart your appearance, insult and humiliate you, destroy your confidence, ruin your plans and goals constantly, invade your boundaries, act like you don’t have feelings or imply you’re worthless and a burden – could you ever do any of that back, safely? If the answer is no, then all of their aggressions, even ones they mask as ‘jokes’ and ‘well intentioned’ are based on a power imbalance. They’re punching you down because they know you can’t defend yourself. That’s abuse.
Ask yourself, would I ever do that to someone. For every and each of their abusive actions, imagine yourself, with your own future kids, or a partner if it’s the abusive relationship, and ask yourself if you would ever do any of that to a loved one, anyone. How would that person feel. Once you put yourself in their own shoes, and imagine someone else suffering at your hand, it becomes clear their excuses are worthless, a decent human being would never do what they did, no matter the circumstances.
Only abusive people will ever try to tell you that you’re lucky it isn’t worse. Only abusive people will demand you to be grateful, or compare themselves to someone worse to prove how bad it could have been. What you can do is keep having healthy references to what a non-abusive environment looks like. If it’s your home, you should feel safe and loved in there. If it’s a relationship, you should be completely equal, never diminished or told you’re less than. If these people are nowhere near making you feel safe and loved, and insist on you being less competent, stupid, unworthy, deserving of pain – ask yourself what the heck is wrong with them. Even if by some insanity you could possibly be stupider or less competent, a loving person would never ever feel a need to say that to you to your face, they would see what is good in you, and point that out, over and over.
If your doubt in yourself is based on this person treating you badly, while they treat everyone else good, know that normal people treat their loved ones, their family, with more warmth, more allowances, more softness and forgiveness than their collegues, neighbours, outsiders, bosses or strangers. If this abuser chose the most vulnerable person, the one who relies on them the most, to abuse, something is wrong with them. They’re obviously capable of being polite and respectful – as they let on by treating others better, so why don’t they utilize their skill with someone who truly cares about them? Because at heart, they’re just an abuser. Playing nice with others is only to build a reputation that helps them discredit victims. Problem is not within you, but a monster who treats the people they supposedly love, worst than enemies. They’re incapable of love. You were lovable all along.
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