Head first, fearless

Chloe. Canada. 26. Trying to just be.

[fearlessandbadass]

Ranting post again.

I got my period back. And gained 15+ pounds. I feel like shit and my cycle is still suboptimal (short luteal phases) which means I will most likely not be able to be pregnant without treatments. I hate that I did this to my body. I hate that I’m fatter than ever and still can’t conceive a fucking baby, while my skinny sister just gave birth and is thinner than I am and she got pregnant after a month. I’m torn between following all the tips from hypothalamic amenorrhea blogs (telling me to eat more, more fat, less fiber, etc and not exercising except for walking) and living again. Right now, I don’t exercise the way I want to (which means barely at all), I eat even when I’m not hungry just because I’m scared my cycle just won’t happen and I just feel constantly blah. I don’t know if it makes sense, but it still feels like restriction to me. Started seeing my therapist again, and she says I should stop obsessing because it’s not getting me anywhere and it’s definitely not getting me pregnant. But I also feel like if I wait for the fertility treatments it will take forever and the clock is ticking. There are so many treatment plans out there for HAers but I’m not sure I’m willing to spend that much money. Ugh. I want to be able to control this so bad, but I can’t. I feel hopeless.

[fearlessandbadass]

So I don't think anyone reads my posts anymore, but whatever. I need to write to evacuate these feelings.

I haven't had my period in 7 months. 9 months ago, I stopped taking the pill as well as my antidepressants in order to try to get my body to feel "natural" again (in order to eventually think of getting pregnant). I felt ready to try to go off my antidepressants. I also started seeing a therapist again, and 9 months ago, started trying to eat more intuitively (which in my case meant eating less robotically and eating "non safe" foods). Well, turns out intuitively eating made me lose weight naturally - of course, I still had occasional obsessive thoughts because that's just who I am - and I truly felt good about myself, not because of the weight loss, but because I thought I was listening to my body and I felt less bloated and "blah" from constantly overeating. So apparently even though my weight is in the healthy range for my height, my body isn't liking the weight loss so much. I went to the doctor's and he ordered blood tests - they were negative except for low estradiol. I did my research and talked to my sister (she's a physician) and basically the only thing that could explain the absence of periods is functional hypothalamic amenorrhea. Yeah, that thing I had when I was severly underweight and anorexic. That thing athletes have because they train too much. I, a 125 pound 5"2 girl who walks, does volleyball and zumba once a week, have this. So now I'm torn because I like the way I feel in my body right now, but my body is basically telling me I have to eat more and train less (and incidentally, gain weight) if I ever want to have a chance of getting pregnant. Fun, heh? I just binged for the first time in a LONG time because I feel like I can't trust myself and my hunger cues anymore. This just really fucking sucks. Also, my sister and best friend are pregnant which makes it even more painful. So yeah, just needed to vent for a bit....am seeing an obgyn next week but honestly, I'm pretty sure he will just tell me to relax, exercise less and eat more... how tf can I eat more when I already feel like I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full? It means not listening to my hunger/fullness cues, which, for YEARS, I could not recognize at all. It's just a lot. I'm tired.

[fearlessandbadass]

Couldn't my eating disorder give me one fucking holiday season off ?

[fearlessandbadass]

I need to see a therapist yesterday

[gumuhit]

be healthily sensitive. tell them you're hurt when you're hurt. describe what hurt you. no silent treatment and passive aggressiveness. be honest. don't compromise your emotion. don't bottle it up. weigh the issue. understand and maybe, forgive.

[l2g-deactivated20240513]

women just get it. and men don’t. won’t elaborate

[teenscoolest]

[gaysun-deactivated20230205]

Winnie the Pooh is a fat icon tbh

[gaysun-deactivated20230205]

reminder that Winnie the Pooh wore a crop top and ate his fave food and loved himself and u can too

[rosemiracles-deactivated2016032]

[fearlessandbadass]

Apparently I'm a fucking weird person because my boyfriend and I just bought a house and instead of being happy about it I'm constantly having anxious thoughts. Fun

[sadiepickles]

The biggest scam your brain is telling you is that everybody else is human and allowed to make mistakes but that you yourself have to be perfect and flawless to deserve their company

[lil-hat]

i would fight myself if i could

[fearlessandbadass]

Is my anxiety ruining my relationship or is my relationship triggering my anxiety? Asking for a friend

[fearlessandbadass]

Oh hey, me again.

Still torn between

A: I am unhappy in a relationship and I should trust my gut and break up with my boyfriend even though I really do love him.

or

B: I only focus on the negative, and I am actually pretty egotistical to think that I “deserve better” when I actually have someone who understands me. I’m not “unhappy” because of him I’m just a chemically imbalanced person and even if we break up and I end up alone or with someone else I will always feel that way. I’m probably just giving up because I’m having a rough patch.

hElP

[fearlessandbadass]

I keep having this recurring thought that I need to break up with my boyfriend because he's reactive and can be kind of rude to me for no reason and I'm really sensitive...but like is that really a good enough reason to break up with someone you've been with for 5 years ? Why do I keep coming back to this...

[themauvesoul]

Hate diet culture so much bitches will b like “don’t eat processed carbs they’re so bad for you” like and??? So what?? God did not give us grain and stone to grind it with for no reason. Bread is inevitable. Bread is food for the heart and the soul. U think I’m gonna give that up in pursuit of instagram fitness?? U think I’m gonna deny myself the simple pleasure of toast with jam so I can endlessly chase an ever-shifting standard of beauty that ultimately means nothing? In 20 years I will no longer be beautiful and in 60 my body will be vacant food for other, smaller creatures. But the taste of fresh bread? Of homemade donuts and still-warm pie? I will carry the taste on my tongue into whatever follows this life. So like. Stop telling me I should diet lmao. I’m not abt to martyr myself just to get a man to look at me.

[satanhaus-deactivated20220217]

yo does anyone else feel CONSTANTLY guilty? like you’ve always done something wrong but you don’t know what it is?

[why-am-i-even-on-here]

Yes, and I’ve spoken to my therapist about it, who offered an explanation:

She says that people who from a young age were made to feel like they kept doing things wrong - people who’s parents had impossibly high standards for them, people who were bullied, people who have special needs, people who didn’t develop crushes on the “right” people, people who didn’t act like the “right” gender - basically ended up being made to feel guilty so much that guilt became their default response to everything. Guilt became the emotional response to anything which the person didn’t already have a set emotion for.

People for whom guilt is the default emotional response are also more likely to have low self-esteem, doubt their own experiences, and experience impostor syndrome. So, watch out for that too guys

[biglawbear]

Oh no it makes sense