[femmeboyfatale13]

I hate that I get attached so easily. I hate that I fall in love with people who I know for a fact will never love me back. I’m so hungry for something I’ve never had in my entire life. And there are people who look at me and say that love is an accessory, that I’m a whore, that I’m desperate, that I’m this and that. And it just makes me realize that no one in my life will ever understand me.

I go out and seek company because I want to feel a connection with someone and last night I did. I don’t know if he did. But the way our bodies touched and moved. It felt nice. It felt comfortable. It felt like something I’ve been searching for, for a long time. And I’m probably not even on this dudes mind. I never am. And it just… it makes me so depressed. I want to know what it’s like.

[femmeboyfatale13]

I’m just so depressed. I have really no one irl who wants to be around me. My friends are online. And people say “Sometimes you need to learn to be alone and enjoy your company”

Well guess what? I’ve been alone most of my life. And have tried doing that, anyone who’s saying they enjoy being alone all the time is either hiding from something or someone or lying to themselves.

[femmeboyfatale13]

There’s something about my childhood that I cannot pinpoint but I feel in my gut something happened to me when I was younger other than just the one incident. Because of the way I was as a kid, I just have no idea who could have done this or when it happened. I genuinely do not know what happened but I know something did. Because in my mind it only happened once but honestly I’m led to believe it happened multiple times, because some things in my head just do not make sense. Such as I started masturbating at such a young age, I had an incident where I kissed my dad and sister very inappropriately when I was like 5-6? Wet the bed until I was sixteen. I had very irrational social anxiety and would not communicate with other people outside of my family. I just can’t understand it at all. And I don’t know if I want to.

[femmeboyfatale13]

it's Christmas again... i really dread the holidays as I don't have much family besides my parents, and my sister. and they aren't the best to be around sometimes, the only one I can truly stand is my Mom because I understand her more than I do my Dad and my sister. i wish we still did our family christmases with my Mom's family, we haven't in years, and most likely never will again. my grandparents are the ones who truly held the family together. I'm not even on speaking terms with any of my Mom's family, not even because I don't want to, it's just when I reach out they don't give a shit, or they do talk and all they want is the hot gossip so they can compare my life to their lives to their friends. and it makes me not want to reach out to them. yeah, I'm gay, single, have a shit job, but at least I don't want to settle as a nuclear family. merry Christmas to me...

[femmeboyfatale13]

I truly am alone. No one cares. Like nothing I say matters. I don't want to kill myself. But like this is how I feel, I feel like no one in my life truly cares. Like I have no one to go to, because either they underreact or overreact and make it about themselves.

Have I surrounded myself with narcissists, because that's all I've ever known? Or did they surround me because they knew I had already been targeted? I'm not a victim.. but I do see a pattern, maybe I trust too easily, maybe I love people too hard, maybe I just crave something I never have had. I don't know anymore. I really don't. I don't know who to trust anymore.

[femmeboyfatale13]

I wish I was more comfortable talking to people irl, i wish i knew what to say — why is it easier for me online, then it is irl? I just wish I could understand it, because I just find myself being so lonely sometimes that it's almost unbearable, but when I try to talk to people even people find interesting or like, I'm just lost at what to say to them. Because I don't want to say the wrong thing, but it's also the fact that idk wtf to say, and idk if it's my C-PTSD or what it is.. but it's frustrating.

[femmeboyfatale13]

"Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say." - Emily Dickinson

[perfeqt]

“The saddest truth is realising you have fallen madly in love with what can never be.”

— Michael Faudet

[femmeboyfatale13]

my ex-friend/former abuser came in with his wife today. he kept staring at me. I didn't even realize it was him until it was too late and he flashed me this.. this really creepy grin and he walked out the door with his wife. had a panic attack for the rest of my shift... lovely..

[femmeboyfatale13]

y'all like? they were black. but I added a lil houdini glitter nail topper. they're not professionally done and they're not perfect but I just love the color 😭

[classicalcanvas]

Title: Chestnut Trees in Blossom

Artist: Vincent van Gogh

Date: 1890

Style: Post-Impressionism

Genre: Cityscape

[babynailz]

[femmeboyfatale13]

The Final Hour - An Original Poem

Within these deep holy cathedral halls I seek refuge from angry hostile calls I seek asylum inside these holy stone walls I seek protection from those outside these doors Where the rejection, guilt and shame call me They call out to me, bellowing out my name And they call out my name, as if it's something wicked, something to be thrown into fiery flames They cry it out, spitting out ugly proclaims Gnashing and gnawing, uttering blames Blames I have not confessed to, nor have claimed I sit there in utter silence, waiting for the calm Anticipating subsidence, and the quiet I seek But the hour is grim and growing bleak And I can feel the chains wrap around me, ever so slowly My veins pumping, my blood turning coldly As fear washes over me, with my final hour approaching It approaches slowly like a violent storm Where a casualty shall be born And my name will be forgotten But my blood will be splattered upon these holy doors As I sit, weep, and cower Awaiting my most final hour

[femmeboyfatale13]

My sleep schedule is honestly not the best. But it's these hours I really cherish because they're the quietest. I'm a night owl. I prefer long nights, overcast days, rainy days, the fog. I love the cold. I can't bear the heat... Am I a vampire? lmao

[catchymemes]

[femmeboyfatale13]

is this actually fuckin fr?... I'm confused...

[maviyenot]

[vincent-van-gogh-paintings]

-Orchard in Blossom-