🌼Aesthetically Speaking🏵️

Writing my woes away

[feslussila]

It was suicide prevention month,

Yet the pain from last December still lingers deep in the cuts on my wrists and fingers. The scars on my heart could burst into flames from all the shame and despair. On the road to Samaria I met fate veiled in a dark cloak, and on the way to Damascus I saw the light and awoke.

The weight of the shadows began to decline, a whisper of mercy said, “Your life is still mine.” Through ashes and sorrow, new courage was born, the night gave way slowly to the break of the morn.

Though scars still remind me of battles once fought, I’m learning that healing cannot be bought. The journey is heavy, the road sometimes long,but pain turns to prayer, and silence to song.

[feslussila]

In the cold night of July,

I gaze into the iridescent sky and sigh—

For the first time in a long while, I no longer seek a sign.

I lay down the weight I used to feign,

and let my soul grow from the pain.

[somebodyssongbird]

I was assigned fire at birth Or so the star mappers say And I can identify with that With the colors, the heat Fire is a passion, yes, I am that

Water I've always envisioned As quiet, calm, serene But I met water as a flash flood There were never any warnings

I swam without being doused How is that possible? But it's something I've never Known since, water is wet after all

I can relate to earth, to air In fact, these elements speak to me More than fire or water have So I've belonged to both of them

Fire and water though How steamy we were together You'd think we would have clashed But we were purple, complementary

Time is the only element I've been seen with these days Water, at the end of it all My body consists mostly of you Which is really quite an apt metaphor

[feslussila]

Assigned fire at birth....

[feslussila]

October. I was drowning in blood, and when I reached out my arms to clutch at something, God himself sliced them clean off their carpals, severing my phalanges with his vengeful blade. I was burying myself in a sinking grave, and when the sand finally engulfed me, I closed my eyes and fell into a never-ending abyss of tormenting pain. The shadows crept into my chest, a cold pressure tightening its grip, squeezing my heart till it bled tar. The weight of invisible chains bound me to this wretched earth, and no prayer would loosen their cruel hold. My veins pulsed with the poison of despair, each heartbeat a dull reminder of debts unpaid—both to the world and to myself.

I reached for salvation in my dreams, but even there, I was forsaken. A dark figure loomed at the edge of my vision, faceless yet familiar,whispering truths too horrific to confront. The walls of reality crumbled, their jagged edges cutting deep, as if the universe itself conspired to carve my failures into my flesh. Every echo of laughter, every faint joy I could once recall, twisted and distorted, turning to ghostly cackles that mocked my existence.

I wandered through this eternal twilight, blind and stumbling, where time was nothing but a specter that slipped through my grasp. Each moment was a decade of suffering. My mind, once sharp, had dulled to the blade of madness, and the grave I thought I'd escape became my only home.

[feslussila]

I am in the wispy tumultuous sea,rocking on this raspy wooden boat,floating miles and miles away from the shore.Alone, back propped against the propeller,staring at the starry night,listening to the waves rock back and forth.

I am floating away, with no particular destination in mind.But to be in the wispy territorial sea, in my rusty creaky boat, gives me freedom that an eagle wouldn't fathom.The moonlight dances on the rippling tide,in this solitude, my soul is open wide.No anchors to hold me, no chains to bind,just the whispers of the wind, gentle and kind.

The salt-kissed breeze upon my face,a silent witness to this boundless space.The horizon stretches, a canvas so vast,in this moment, I've found peace at last.

[feslussila]

Lord, there's something so inherently broken in me. I try to fix it, plaster, patch, and stitch it. The silky sky ,I strive to reach it ,but my left wing no longer picks up wind under it, so I try to clip it.I pluck the feathers as I flutter to my fall, wondering if the ground beneath could ever hold a misfit. There's a broken record in my room,it distorts the music,it scratches,groans and creaks in a high pitched rhythm. There's a poem in my heart that I can't seem to finish,the rhyme escapes my grip and I drift in search of syllables that would relieve me. Lord, there's something so inherently broken within me,even though I try ,O' you know I try ,I just can't seem to find the right mind or the right time to fix it.

[feslussila]

Last night ,I attended my own funeral.Cloaked in a jet-black suit, I drifted through the cemetery at the witching hour, the dark shroud of night embracing me.As if summoned by the weight of my journey,storm clouds gathered, ominous and foreboding.Lightening cracked and cut across the menacing sky as thunder let out a terrifying cry. As I approached the grave, a lone figure stood vigil, head bowed, hands clasped in mournful prayer. Raindrops, icy and deliberate, began their descent, mingling with the tears starting to trace a path down my cheek.

"Since you left," the solitary figure murmured, "I have not been the same, but your death was a necessary gain."

I moved closer, each step heavy with the gravity of recognition. The figure lifted his gaze, and I found myself staring into my own eyes—yet these were not my eyes. They belonged to a reborn self, a phoenix emerging from the ashes of my former existence.

"You were my chrysalis," he spoke, his voice a sonorous echo, "your demise, the crucible of my rebirth. It was your suffering that tempered my spirit, your doubts that honed my clarity."I nodded, understanding the profound truth in his words. "To forge this new existence, I had to surrender you, to bid farewell to the ghosts of my limitations. Your death heralded the dawn of my boundless potential."

The rain fell harder, a purifying torrent, washing away the vestiges of the past. Together, my new self and I turned from the grave, leaving behind the sepulcher of what once was. As we walked away, the storm began to abate, and the first light of a new dawn broke through the clouds, illuminating a path of infinite possibility.

[feslussila]

Once again,I am letting my pen bleed. Before my veins burst and the blood rushing through my arteries combust into a razing flame,I'll let this pen bleed.I am letting the ink splash,I am blotting the pages of my heart with the sticky residue of memories past.I am emptying my thoughts on the flipping pages of time. I am setting precedents for my bloodline, line by anguishing line. With each stroke, I etch my soul's design. I pour out the sorrows that words confine, and hope that healing follows this confessional shrine. Once again, I am letting my pen bleed. As I write, my spirit finds release, and in these lines, I seek my peace.

[feslussila]

If you can read this then you're within range. Trespassers will be shot, regardless of age.This heart is locked inside a steel cage,in the backyard of the house where shadows wage. 'Closed for renovation',the hanging sign by the gate says,creaking when the wind sways, concealing secrets from the prying gaze.

Trespassers will be shot,beware of the raging heart.Betrayal begets pain and behind the curtains of dismay lurks a sorrow that will never depart. Tired of getting hurt I stand guard at the gates of my heart,the dragon breath of my double barreled shotgun ready to play it's part.In a tale where every step is fraught, where it's best never to get caught. Beware the warnings and heed them not, for this is sacred ground, and trespassers will be shot.

[feslussila]

I came across a post recently. It went something like 'I miss you, but I’d cut off my hands before I ever reach out to you again'

Before I met you I was single and determined to rebuild my life. I threw myself into self-improvement, focusing on my financial stability, spiritual growth, emotional well-being, and physical health. I worked tirelessly, creating a disciplined and fulfilling routine that centered on becoming the best version of myself.

Then you came along, and I let you in. Our time together was filled with beautiful moments and cherished memories, but slowly, I lost sight of myself. My focus waned, my discipline crumbled, and I made reckless financial decisions that I’m still recovering from. The relationship that once brought joy eventually became a source of my undoing.

Earlier this year, we parted ways. Since then, I’ve often found myself missing you and contemplating reaching out. But every time, I remind myself of the chaos that ensued, the person I became, and how far I strayed from my path.

Now, I’m back on my journey of self-recovery, working hard to regain the focus and discipline I once had. I’m learning from my mistakes and striving to rebuild the life I want, brick by brick.

So, yes, I miss you. But I’d cut off my hands before I reach out again because I know that the best path for me is the one I walk alone, rediscovering and refining who I am without you.

[feslussila]

Why must I betray you,O' my heart? Giving you away so callously,every now and then.Halting your rhythm for nothing but a fleeting flailing feeling.How much more can you withstand,O' my heart? Before your ventricles cave inside,and the blood you pump splurges the walls of my ribcage painting it with crimson colours of regret.Each excruciating beat is a reminder of the price of my recklessness, a pulse of pain that echoes through my veins. How long before the burden I place upon you becomes too great, before the delicate dance of life ceases under the weight of my indiscretions? Forgive me O' my heart for the suffering I have inflicted upon you, and for giving you away so callously again.

[kawtharxh-deactivated20241020]

For you ,the door is always open. I don’t know if it is for me too, and I’m too afraid to check. Come back after months and say you are wondering how I am fairing. That you just wanted to check in. I’ll try my best to sound nonchalant, maybe even feign annoyance. But I’ll be delighted, I promise. Lie about something you wanted to ask, I’ll over explain. Pretend I’m the only one you could’ve come to, I’ll pretend I don’t know it’s a lie. I promise, the door is always open. For you, only for you.

[feslussila]

The chickens had finally come home to roost,and I was just sitting duck.

[feslussila]

Why are you cast down ,O my soul ?

Why are you disquieted within me ?

[feslussila]

My heart revolts so violently and in anguish in its cage, threatening to break out ,to explode in rage. It skips two, three beats , palpitates and contracts in excruciatingly brutal pain. Years of many dreadful days,the horrors of precarious and sleepless nights. The trenches that battered my sorrowful solitary soul,paths that bruised my swift tireless feet. My heart bleeds in its cage ,blood filling my lungs,and an icy sweat dripping down my face. I am a battered man,defeated,just a shred of the warrior I used to be. I sit here and bleed and bleed and bleed,I watch as the drops fill and feed the silt from which I came and into which I must soon return.

[feslussila]

How do I tell you where it hurts without choking on my own blood?

[pink-heart-writes]

i hope my absence gives you the peace my love never could

- dee