death of a bachelor

"everyone who terrifies you is sixty five percent water, and everyone you love is made of stardust, and i know sometimes you cannot even breathe deeply, and the night sky is no home and you have cried yourself to sleep enough times that you are down to your last two percent, but nothing is infinite, not even loss. you are made of the sea and the stars, and you are going to find yourself again.” - finn butler.

[ffslucius-blog]

— narcissa couldn’t help but wonder if lucius was capable of forming a sentence without sounding condescending. whether it was purposeful or not, it was off putting for her in a multitude of ways. she had spent a majority of her life being spoken to in that fashion — as if she were lesser. for being a girl. for being the youngest. for not being as beautiful as her sisters. and now, regardless of whether it was his intention, her husband was unpacking all of those feelings and splaying them out in her mind. it would have been more fair of her to give him the benefit of the doubt — after all, why would he wish to make her uncomfortable on purpose ? — but that had never been her strong suit. as empathetic as she had to capacity to be, a select few people were recipients of that. he wasn’t one of those people yet. she wasn’t sure if he ever would be. his fingers laced through hers unexpectedly and had she been a touch more dramatic than she was, a gasp may have left her. instead, her mouth opened, forming a silent o, as her eyes flickered to his for a moment before meeting the ground as they began to walk. she shook her head, raising her chin again. walking with her gaze to the pavement was not her. she wasregal, a pureblood princess as she had been affectionately referred to. narcissa black had always walked with head high regardless of her situation. narcissa malfoy would do the same, even as her heart pounded like a gong in her chest.

              — she turned to him as he spoke, “ i haven’t yet. ” she replied simply, words accented by a small drop of the shoulders. “ i’ve been a bit off kilter with my shopping traditions lately. having recently moved and all … ” realizing that her statement may seem a bit harsh ( after all, marrying him was the reason for her relocation ) she rerouted her sentence. “ i’m just used to being pestered by my mother in late november about christmas gifts and surprisingly she didn’t remind me in a letter as i had expected. time got away from me, i suppose. i have a few other stops to make after the perfume shop, though i won’t drag you along and bore you if you’re uninterested. ” meaning : this is strange and i’m used to shopping alone. having you here will make me second guess gift choices that i would normally be set on, and i don’t need the added pressure of buying the perfect gifts for your immediate family. her eyes landed on him for another brief second as they reached their destination, her keeping his hand in hers as she opened the door. “ i may be able to find a few things in here and get more of my shopping done in one place. ”

-- Lucius spoke just like his father- it was almost terrifying. Maybe it was from the days of begging his father to let him help with the letters he had to send out, or being pulled into countless meetings in his childhood to learn the family ‘ b u s i n e  s s ‘  but either way, every motion, word and mannerism was picked up by Lucius. His mother always made a comment about it- how he was growing into a fine young man and how he was just like his father. Though the tone wasn’t always loving and kind- it was a comment he thrived off of. 

-- Taken back by her comment, Lucius’ jaw tighten and his tongue pressed into his teeth a little harder than he intended. He was extremely shocked at the way she would just throw that at him- as if he just picked her up and forced her into his home. She could well, technically leave, she didn’t have to stay. But he kept his comments to himself for the time being and just let his mouth stay shut. They’d just discuss it..Later. ''I’ll make it better for you next year then..Add some touches for our own traditions.'' He offered, trying to keep his composure as they continued walking. ''Darling .. Take me where you want. I don’t mind spending some much deserved time with you.'' Lucius sighed- releasing the tension in his jaw by this point and letting her guide him through the store. 

[ffslucius-blog]

   — part of her appreciated him for trying. after all, she wasn’t the easiest person to love. she was distant, reclusive, cold even. and it wasn’t that she wanted to be that way, either. but she had fears that she didn’t want to admit for the risk of appearing weak. she didn’t want to be weak, and if saving herself that embarrassment meant never truly showing lucius who she was, then that was the life she was left with. she felt guilty; it was easy to tell he would be happier with somebody else. anybody else. it was most likely unlucky chance on his end that paired them together, and she hoped that she wasn’t totally ruining his life. however it was plain to see in all his efforts that he wanted something different ( not that she didn’t want it … she did. she had always wanted a family of her own. just … not like this ).

              — blue eyes brightened a tad. “ your … list ? ” she tried to hide any semblance of excitement from coming through in her tone. though excitement may not have been the best word. it made her feel nice, though. knowing he was thinking of her. ( sarcasm was not her best area, and she definitely thought he was being serious despite the awkward laugh that crowned the statement ). the way his entire demeanor changed as he talked about the meeting sent a shiver up her spine that made her forget the pleasant feeling she had only moments before. of course she knew how lucius felt about it all. he was, after all, a malfoy. but sometimes she would forget. but they couldn’t stand on the street like this any longer, looking like strangers. so she reached out and touched his arm gently, fingers running down the fabric of his jacket. “ i am glad. you’ll have to tell me about it if you’re allowed to … ” should she invite him to the shop with her ? it seemed like the best idea. “ would you care to come with me ? to the shop, i mean… if you would prefer just heading home that’s quite alright too, i thought i would just …”breathe. he’s your husband not a monster. you look like a bumbling fool.“ offer. in case. ”

-- When you grow up in a household like the Malfoy’s, you don’t look forward to many things, but growing up and getting married was probably the biggest thing in Lucius’ life. He never expected it to be as big of an ordeal as it turned out to be though. Everyone was involved, papers were on it, pictures were taken, it felt way too big of an ordeal than he really wanted it to be- and Narcissa gave on that exact same vibe most of the time. Only, that vibe had worn off for Lucius. The jitters had gone and now he was married to this shockingly beautiful pureblood woman and everything was fine. There weren’t any fights, any unfair blows or anything to go against- well him actually. But it was very clear that those feelings were the quite opposite for his wife. The novelty, the fear the very clear feeling of being uncomfortable and Lucius was just dying to figure out why. 

-- Her expression softened and Malfoy found himself letting out a deep breath of relief when it did. His smile became clearer and softer and his shoulders relaxed, holding themselves up instead of hunching and hovering over her small frame. ''Well- yes. Its less than a week from Christmas dear.'' He chuckled, his words coming out demeaning without even realizing it. So, he didn’t even bother on correcting his tone. Her touch shocked him for a second and he wasn’t sure how to respond, and so he stood there. Frozen, completely unfazed by her touch for a moment- looking like a dumb struct statue. Blinking a couple times, he finally processed what she said and nodded, resetting his face so it wasn’t cold and stiff. ''Actually- uhm. Yeah.'' He nodded, that rambling somehow turning into an agreement to go to the shop with her. He adjusted her hand so it was wrapped in his- the touch unfamiliar and almost uncomfortable. But they were in public and they had to put on quite the show. ''Have you done any more shopping other than your main quest?'' He pondered, sounding much too formal for the occasion as they started walking forward. 

[ffslucius-blog]

— using strange as a descriptor for narcissa and lucius’ relationship would be an understatement. they were married, yes ( though narcissa had gotten no say in the matter ), but there was an absence of love that was glaringly obvious. had it not been for both of them beingfantastic in public, everybody would be able to tell. her stature straightened, taking a bit more of a defensive stance than the elegant one she normally opted for. he was smiling at her but it didn’t ease her nerves, nor make her fists unclench. he looked as awkward as she felt. there was no script for this. they hadn’t previously decided what they would say to one another (which they occasionally did before public events and outings that needed to be tackled together ) and it had narcissa at a loss for words.

              — “ darling, ” she tried to relax her facial expression slightly. forced her hands out of her pockets so they rested flat at her sides. it was unknown whether he was questioning her out of concern or because she hadn’t told him she was going anywhere. the damaged part of her brain wanted to say the second option, regardless of whether it was true. “ i’m out of perfume. i’ve come to fetch some more and do a bit of christmas shopping. ” it wasn’t a lie necessarily, but an exaggeration of the truth. “ i wasn’t expecting to run into you … you had a meeting today, did you not ? ”

-- Married and in love were two very different things in Lucius’ life- though he didn’t realize this would be the case when he was informed about the marriage he would have to the youngest Black. When told, he didn’t truly know what it meant in a political stance. Yes, they were both very old pure family members and yes it made sense, he guessed- but it wasn’t until the dark lord started rising and it was very clear what side Lucius should be on, that he realized this marriage could cover up everything that he needed covered up. 

-- He didn’t mean for the question to come off as - ‘ protective ‘ as it originally sounded, but there was no way to take it back and no way make it up to her. She looked alarmingly uncomfortable. Something he was used to seeing at home, if he ever saw her in general. But it was hard to take in public with people watching. He offered a soft laugh and shoved his free hand into his other pocket and tried to keep himself as light as possible. ''I guess I know to scratch that off my list for you then, yeah?'' Honestly, Lucius had no idea what kind of perfume his wife wore let alone planned on buying it for her. ''Yes- We just got out. Good things are happening darling, good things are happening.'' He sighed, his smile a little purer as he looked down at her- wanting her to offer him even something. 

[ncrcissv-blog]

               — with everything that had been … going on, narcissa preferred to stay out of the public eye whenever possible. though she did her very best ( absolutely giving it her all ) to keep the general public from suspecting she and lucius’ involvement with some of the wizarding world’s more dangerous members, there had been whispers. those whispers were the reason she was out today, walking the streets of diagon alley ( like she owned the place ) in attempt to suspend the idea that her family was up to anything. she kept a polite but tight-lipped smile on her face as she nodded to those passing by. all she wanted to do was reach valerie valion perfumers without having to actually speak with anybody.

               — it seemed to be her unlucky day, though, as she saw a familiar face, and then their lips moving, and then almighty merlin why have you forsaken me in this way … “ hello. ”

[ffslucius-blog]

-- Lucius had seen her probably from the moment she had made it onto the street, but it still took everything in his power not to run up to her and figure out what the hell she was doing. Actually- he probably had a pretty good guess but that wasn’t the point. She was shocking though and he would never truly get over that and he hoped he never did. He leaned against the wall for a second, taking in the entirety of his wife as she walked down the street, looking so intent to just get to her destination without a hitch, or a conversation to stop her. Of course he would- right? He would have to. If people saw him , and people were quite obviously saw her, but they didn’t see they at least slightly interact- things would be whispered and Lucius had a suspicion that was what Narcissa was trying to stop. 

-- Finally, as if mustering up the courage to talk to his own wife- Lucius crossed her path and slowly offered her the kindest smile he could. ''Narcissa,'' He started, shoving a hand roughly into his back pocket and the other hastily rubbing the back of his neck, as if there was an argument brewing and he just wanted to get out o the dog house. ''What’re you doing out?''