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@ficsbyaprocrastinatingstudent
Ouch!
For trippin-those-penguins cause that pic was too cute. Original post
Hope you like it :D
AO3
“Wah!” Tadashi gave a yelp as his butt slipped suddenly off his chair and his head smacked onto his seat. It was padded, but nonetheless the shock itself deserved some recognition.
“Wah!” Tadashi gave a yelp as his butt slipped suddenly off his chair and his head smacked onto his seat. It was padded, but nonetheless the shock itself deserved some recognition Hiro had crawled under his desk from the side, and with a forward and upwards push, stood and dragged Tadashi from his chair, resulting in the surprised yelp. “What are you doing Hiro?! Hey - !” Tadashi’s sentence was cut short abruptly when Hiro started walking forwards, thus dragging Tadashi along for the ride. Tadashi raised his head and glared at his brother. This position was the one he often put Hiro in when Hiro was being particularly stubborn or silly, and while it worked for Hiro, being almost twice his height did not do any favours for Tadashi in this instance. It just ensured his back was dragged along their wooden floorboards, a polishing he was sure Aunt Cass would appreciate although his back certainly didn’t, given friction and all. “This is all your fault, cause you didn’t have time for me!” Hiro said unapologetically as he lugged his brother away from his desk, and towards the door. “I have wo – Ouch!” Hiro turned to move around the bed but forgot to account for the extra length of Tadashi’s body and head behind him, resulting in Tadashi crashing his waist into the corner of the bed frame. “On a scale of one to ten, how would you – ” “Ten.” Tadashi cut in. “Save me Baymax, Hiro’s gone crazy.” “No, Hiro is fine. He is simply experiencing the symptoms of puberty. It will pass around the age of 18. Please be patient with him for a bit longer, it will help his mental state.” Tadashi gave up and banged his head back onto the ground. “Ouch.” “On a scale – ” “Hiro!!”
Hiro jerked awake. He looked towards Tadashi’s empty desk. He was taller now. Only Tadashi’s hair would brush the ground now. Puberty was over, and so was play time with Tadashi. His mental state though… Hiro rolled over and buried his face in Tadashi’s pillow. There was no help for it.
Free by Kiss
Pairing: Chanhun
Prompt: Here
Chanhun for seyeollers :P
Chanyeol laughed as he walked through the door into their living room. Through the glass doors leading onto the balcony, he saw Sehun standing there facing inwards with a “Free by Kiss” sign hanging from his neck.
Stepping into his indoor slippers he strolled over to the sliding glass doors, grinning broadly at Sehun, who just glared back.
“What did you do this time?”
“Snacks.”
“You should know better than to mess with the snacks, Sehun.” Chanyeol admonished. Sehun had a bad habit of moving things that he liked or wanted into hard to reach places. Before he had grown this tall, he would hide things behind couch cushions, between the sofa and the wall – slender spaces that were hard to reach. As he got taller, less creativity was needed as he simply stretched and place things out of reach of the majority of Exo – a point that annoyed them to no end. Usually Kris or Chanyeol would get things down before Suho and the others found out, but with Kris gone, there was only Chanyeol left and sometimes he wasn’t attentive enough. Like today.
Sehun just pouted a little.
“Get me out.”
Chanyeol folded his arms and grinned bigger. He enjoyed watching Sehun suffer. Sehun brought this on himself and he would have to learn a lesson this time. Although Suho seemed to have made it rather harsh this time. “Free by __” was a common form of punishment. Suho would stipulated something that must be done either to or by the offender for them to become “free” or forgiven. Usually it was something like being hit a few times, or standing for a few hours. But this, Sehun must really have overstepped the line.
“No.”
Sehun huffed, but didn’t move.
Despite Exo often bullying or teasing Suho, he was their leader and in terms of punishment, his word was law. They had quickly realised, that as 12 boys living together, they needed some form of authority to adjudicate their problems and be fair as well as just. Suho was well suited to this task, he was genuinely good at looking after them, as well as being fair when issues arose. Thus, when he meted out punishment it was always taken seriously, by all, as this kept everyone else in line too, and maintained a sense of order within their living arrangements.
Chanyeol watched Sehun shift a little in discomfort. The balcony was in full glare of the sun and there was no shade. He did feel kind of bad for the maknae, but he was also definitely enjoying this. Sehun had a smart mouth and a lot of sass, and they had all been on the receiving end at one point or another.
“Come on, hyuuuunngg,” Sehun whined. “Let me go.”
“But that would involve kissing you.” Chanyeol screwed up his face, exaggerating his disgust at the action.
Sehun just rolled his eyes and made his trademark “really hyung, really” face.
Chanyeol sighed. True, that wasn’t even an issue. They lived in such close proximity to each other that privacy and whatnot hard existed. Not to mention all the skinship during fanservice. Besides, Suho hadn’t been quite as sadistic as to specify where Sehun had to be kissed. Chanyeol could just brush his hands or cheek and be done with it. And Sehun would owe him one.
Hmmm, Chanyeol considered silently, weighing things up. Although it would be handy to have Sehun indebted to him, he wanted to have a little more fun first.
“Fine, but we are doing this my way.”
“Sure, whatever, just get me out of here. I’m going to burn soon.”
Chanyeol smirked. Sticking his head back inside he yelled to the house at large.
“Pocky, balcony!”
Sehun swallowed, realising what he had just done. They often played this game for general amusement as well as to be more comfortable with each other to provide better fanservice. And to make the game just a little more exciting, the loser/s would have to clean up the dorm for a week.
As he had to be kissed to be let free, he was guaranteed to lose.
Well, it was better than being burnt by the sun at least, he supposed. He could probably rope in Xiumin to help him. Xiumin had a thing for being clean, he could exploit that.
“- just want to add, no one else can help either.”
Huh? What was that? Sehun blinked and focused on Chanyeol. Did he just say something about not being able to get help? Judging by Chanyeol’s ever growing smirk and the glee on everyone else’s faces, yes.
Sehun sighed, fine. Anything to not be stuck out here.
“Ready?” Chanyeol held up the pocky, grinning.
Well, nothing else for it. Sehun nodded. A week of cleaning here I come, he thought before taking the other end of the pocky into his mouth and instantly biting down on it and slamming his mouth against Chanyeol’s.
The shock on Chanyeol’s face was almost worth the week of cleaning.
Almost.
Good enough for Sehun though.
Wasn’t every day you could shock Chanyeol, he would take what he could get.
A Most Memorable Halloween
Happy Halloween!
“Well, one of us has to change.” Taemin joked when he saw what Kai had worn to the Halloween party.
“Well, one of us has to change.” Taemin joked when he saw what Kai had worn to the Halloween party.
Kai, like himself, hadn’t worn a costume, they had agreed to come “as themselves”. A cheap shot they both agreed. But they just couldn’t be bothered to put in the effort. They had figured that doing this together was better than risking being the only without a costume, but apparently they should have discussed this “be themselves” thing in greater detail. Given their similar roles in their groups and being good friends, as well as SM providing each group with a basic wardrobe, they had ended up wearing very similar outfits.
Kai mock-glared at Taemin.
“Well, it’s not going to be me. Besides, your dorm is closer. You change.”
Taemin inclined his head towards the door.
“In this weather? It probably doesn’t make a difference.”
It had started pouring a few seconds after Kai had ran through the door. He had suspected that it would pour soon, and having ignored Luhan’s reminder to bring an umbrella, he had run all the way. He didn’t want to get soaked, but he also didn’t want to give Luhan a chance to say “I told you so.”
“What?” Kai demanded. Taemin had been looking at him contemplatively, and was now wearing that smirk which had never worked out well for either of them. It was the smirk that proceeded many a scolding and telling off.
“Know what we should do?”
“Obviously I don’t. And I probably don’t want to, but you’re going to tell me anyway. So go ahead.” Kai sighed. If he didn’t at least listen, Taemin would follow him around all night until he listened. But if he listened, chances are, he would go alone with whatever it was, no matter how stupid of an idea it seemed. It just always turned out that way.
“Oh, you are going to like this one, I promise.” Taemin’s smirk grew wider. “We should reconsider our no costume idea, and instead, we should say we came as twins, or clones of one of us.”
Kai stared. It was actually a good idea. It didn’t break any rules, so it their managers wouldn’t get mad. They would actually be “in costume”. And it sounded like it would be fun, just imagine the looks on their members’ faces!
“Come on, Kai! It’s a brilliant idea. Admit it.” Taemin wheedled. “It won’t be hard to pull off either. People already think we look alike. We just need to change our hairstyle a little, and maybe alter our makeup a bit. We can do that in ten minutes tops.”
After about a second of deliberation, Kai nodded, a grin spreading over his own face. Oh, this was going to be fun, and they won’t even get into trouble!
This was the Halloween Taemin and Kai learned four valuable lessons
First, it is a bad idea to surprise half-drunk members. Particularly those skilled in some kind of martial arts.
Second, it is a very bad idea to surprise aforementioned skilled members, especially if there are more than one.
Third, it is a terrible idea to surprised aforementioned members, when you live in close contact with any of them, whether they practiced martial arts, actively or not.
And fourth, you don’t need martial arts training to be dangerous. There are many ways to be dangerous.
This was also the last Halloween they were allowed to attend without needing costume approval from their respective groups.
Needless to say, it was a very memorable Halloween.
Please, don't go
Song prompt (kinda): Please, don’t go - SHINee
Celebration of one year on this blog, although “celebration” is debatable.
Warnings inside and in tags
WARNINGS: Character death, suicide (?)
Dear Jinki,
I had a dream last night. You were right here next to me. I could see you so clearly; your bright smile, your crinkled eyes.
It made me think of the time we first met, I remember mistaking you for someone much younger. I was so embarrassed the next day when I found out my mistake, but you just smiled that smile, took my hand and said “It’s ok, we can look after each other.”
But, all these years, it has always been you looking out for me. I haven’t been able to do anything…I’m sorry I’m so useless. I promise I’ll do more in the future.
Do you know how I knew I was dreaming? It had felt so real, I could see every strand of your hair, every stitch in your clothes. Do you know I how I knew? Because your eyes reflected the sadness in mine. In life, you always smiled extra bright when I was sad, to try be happy for me until I learnt how, you always said.
I am so sad now, where are you? Why aren’t you here to smile for me? I haven’t learnt how yet…come back to me, and teach me to smile again. You can’t just leave like this, you can’t…I’m not ready yet, I still need you to look after me. Just one more day, just one more day and I can deal with whatever the future brings, but just one more day!
You had come so close to me, more than anyone else. And now you are leaving.
But I can make you stay, I can see you again. I will close my eyes again, and you will appear again. I will stay with you forever, and you can teach me to smile, even if it takes an eternity, I will be here. With you.
Waiting for you,
Jonghyun
Jinki opened his eyes slowly.
“He’s awake! The transplant worked!”
Squinting slightly against the light, Jinki peered up blearily and saw familiar faces swim into view. One, two, three…
“Where’s –”
As one, the members looked down. Jinki felt something being slipped into his hand.
“We found this in the glove compartment of his car. We’re surprised it survived, but I suppose he knew we would search it. Probably why he choose that turn in the road.”
Jinki turned the letter over.
For Jinki hyung, my heart.
Author note: constructive criticism, review, prompt, whatever. I just need things to procrastinate with :P
Hope you enjoyed this :)
Baby don't cry
This is kinda a song prompt? Except I chose this song. Friend and I were discussing the recent Luhan lawsuit, and we both hit on this idea.
This fic was my way of getting rid some of my anger towards SM at the way they treat their artists.
I support Luhan leaving, and any further decisions regarding this matter. I wish him the best of luck in the future, and eagerly await his future projects.
Good luck Luhan!
Note: I'm using Chinese lyrics, translations at the end.
It was his favourite song of theirs. Back when everyone had still been together, before all this shit happened.
Luhan plugged in his earphones again, and switched it on to play on repeat. Sliding down against the wall, he leaned back and closed his eyes, singing along in his head.
It was time.
Kris had said to wait. Wait about six months to a year; that the others needed time to adjust and they would need him. Kris was right of course, the others had needed him, especially the Tao and Lay. Only they really understood what Kris had gone through, Xiumin and Chen just didn’t fully grasp it. But it wasn’t their fault. Luhan didn’t blame them.
Luhan blamed SM. And himself, to an extent. But never his members, never them. They were just as much victims as he is, as Kris was.
He couldn’t wait any longer. He had tried. He had tried so hard to stick around to support Lay and Tao, to help even out the burden a bit and look after them. But he couldn’t do it anymore, he was just so tired.
Luhan pressed twice, flicking up the volume.
~痛到无力~*
Although this was a love song, in many ways it suited them all so well. They had all come to SM searching for a dream, for a chance to stand on the stage. But always, there are other groups, other people who achieve their dreams first.
Luhan remembered Kai telling him about Taemin’s debut. He had felt so proud and happy for his friend, but there had always been a small question at the back of his mind asking, why wasn’t it me? It was like this all the time. Why doesn’t SM give us more endorsements? Why doesn’t SM let us sign that movie deal? Why doesn’t SM accept these CF offers? Why, why, why…
They all work so hard. Oh God, how hard they work. But it never seems enough, like a jealous lover, SM always demands more. More of their time, more of their life, more of themselves.
In this world, your only comfort is your members. Not even those from other groups know how each group suffers. Sure, you hear stories, but you’re never too sure. Or, more likely, you hope they’re just rumours so that it will never happen to you. But it does, but even then, you hope that it was just rumours for the other groups, because you don’t want them to have gone through this.
But he was leaving. He just couldn’t do this anymore. He could feel himself falling apart.
~我的爱守护你不分开~**
We are Exo. We are one.
Forgive me.
~Cry, cry, cry~
*Hurts until I have no strength left
**My love protects you, we won't be apart
Constructive criticism/review/rants welcome.
Smoking Kills
Suho and Kris
"Smoking kills."
"That's the point."
“Smoking kills.”
“That’s the point.”
This was the third time this week Suho had caught Kris smoking. The others didn’t know about it, and Suho wasn’t about to tell. He knew what the consequences were if Kris were caught. Not that the other’s would report him, but it was better if they didn’t know. This was between them, the leaders. No one else understood the pressure they were under, and they didn’t want them to know, it was their own to bear.
“Why are you doing this?” Suho asked, leaning back against the alley wall next to Kris, head facing forward.
Kris exhaled slowly, pushing a thing stream of smoke into the air in front of him, before slowly raising his hand to cup around his jaw to take another drag.
“You know.” Another slow exhale.
The rising and falling of Kris’ arm was rhythmic, soothing.
And Suho did know. Being a leader wasn’t easy. They took the responsibility for anything that happened to the other members, they had to make sure they stayed healthy – physically, emotionally, mentally. But who took care of them?
Things hadn’t been going well recently. The members weren’t particularly happy about their current situation. Too much work and too little rest. They had all expected this and had been warned when they were debuting, but this was beyond anything they had imagined. It was even harder than their trainee days, and those days had been dark. The company was putting the pressure on him and Kris’ to sort things out with the members, but what could they do? They were just as exhausted, and to be honest, they felt the members deserved a rest too.
“It’s for the best.” Kris’ arm rose again.
Suho turned his head slightly towards the taller man standing beside him. And he was a man, no longer the boy he had met and trained with. Suho watched Kris’ profile, tracing his eyes down the familiar lines. He had seen this profile countless times, he had seen all of them countless times. He thought he would be able to tell each member apart by the silhouette of their profile against a grey background. So dear was each member, each one a piece of this family they called Exo. And now, there would always be a missing piece. A door closed and locked, barred against the others.
“I’m sorry.” Suho whispered, what else could he say? What could anyone say?
“It’s for the best.” Kris’ repeated. His arm fell one last time, cigarette falling from slender fingers. Eyes on his discarded cigarette, Kris lifted a foot and ground the butt against the grey concrete. Without lifting his eyes, Kris turned and walked away, hands in his pockets.
“Thank you.”
Suho wasn’t sure if the words even left his mouth, but he thought he saw Kris incline his head slightly, as if in acknowledgment and understanding.
Next day the news broke:
Kris suing SM for breach of contract – Kris no longer part of Exo
SM had better watch out, Suho thought, watching the news with the rest of Exo, all tight faced and thin lipped. Better watch out, because the power is with us. And we know it.
A Beautiful Summer's Day
Taekai - Military
Taemin was on his back, head pillowed on Kai’s lap, eyes gazing at the clear, summer sky through a lattice of leaves. It was a beautiful day. Kai was speaking softly, smoothing Taemin’s hair rhythmically as he spoke.
“Remember the day we met?”
Taemin shook his head slightly.
“Neither do I,” Kai laughs gently. “It was such a long time ago. But I’ve heard about our parents talking about it. Apparently you pushed me down in the play box, and I threw sand at your face. We had both run to our moms crying, and they made us shake hands and be friends. And that’s how it all started.”
Taemin didn’t reply, he just blinked slowly, lazily.
“Remember how everyone always got us mixed up? It was hilarious. The jokes we used to pull on new teachers and classmates…always worth the punishment we got afterwards.
“And the plans we used to make, remember them? We were going to travel the world, see France, America, England and all those other places. We were going to go to the same university, and major in dance, so we could perform together in the future. We were going to join the army together so we wouldn’t have to be apart.”
Taemin shifted a little. Kai moved his legs so Taemin’s head was rested more comfortably.
“Funny how things turn out isn’t it?”
Kai shifted his gaze down to Taemin’s face, and gently brushed the hair from out of his eyes, almost time for another haircut. Kai had always liked Taemin with longer hair, the military cut they had gotten didn’t suit Taemin’s face shape, and Kai had disliked it from the start – although it had just made them look more similar.
Funny, with all their plans, the only one that worked out was joining the army together, but even that hadn’t gone the way they expected.
They had decided to join the army straight from high school, to get it over and done with they said. But they both knew it was a way to delay their separation. They had been accepted at different universities, and would have to go different ways come graduation. For them, who had done everything together; from walking to school, to doing homework, to teasing girls and later dating them. It was unimaginable for them to be apart for more than the time they spent sleeping and eating, and even occasionally these were done together. Such a permanent separation as university did not appeal to either boy, so it was with this sentiment, they had joined the army, if only for another two years together.
But instead of two years, they had gotten six months.
On their first mission, Taemin had not ducked fast enough behind a tree and had taken a large piece of shrapnel to his mid-section, falling into shock, Taemin had collapsed against the tree, as the rest of the group scattered.
Kai had saw Taemin disappear behind the tree, but felt something wasn’t right. Ignoring the calls of their commander to retreat, he had raced to Taemin, and found him barely conscious. Taking in all the blood, and Taemn’s hand clutching at his stomach, Kai had felt his heart stop.
No, no, no no no no.
Kai had ripped off his jacket, folded it and pushed it against Taemin’s stomach. Trying to apply pressure to stop the bleeding. But it hadn’t been enough. The wound was too big. Taemin wasn’t in any condition to move, and Kai couldn’t carry him all the way back to base, there was nothing he could do. This knowledge seem to strike Taemin at the same time, he had gasped at Kai to go, he needed to catch up with his group, otherwise suffer the consequences for insubordination, and risk being captured by enemy forces.
Kai had refused, instead he had shifted to sit behind Taemin, cradling Taemin’s head in his lap, stroking his hair. Determined to stay with Taemin until the end, regardless of the consequences.
It was a beautiful summer’s day, a cloudless blue sky, dappled sunshine filtering down through the patchwork of leaves above. They had spent many summer days like this, lolling around, talking and laughing. Today wasn’t much different, Kai was still talking, and sometimes laughing gently as he reminisced.
“Remember how we were said we would never be apart, because being together was like being alone, but better?
“Remember –
“Remember –”
Taemin remembered, he remembered everything. He also remembered how they had once made a promise to never live without the other. It had been a child’s promise, back when they had barely cleared the single digits. Their parents had taken them on separate vacations, which had both been cut short after a day, after the tantrums they threw to being separated for so long. After that, they had promised never again to separate, and mimicked the blood brother ceremony they had seen in period dramas. It had all been very exciting and childish, but right then Taemin knew Kai was thinking the same thing, with much more seriousness.
Kai looked down at Taemin, he was still loosing blood. He didn’t have much longer, a wound that deep wouldn’t take much more than half an hour to bleed out. His jacket was soaked with blood, and more was leaking over Taemin’s fingers holding the jacket in place.
“I remember.” Taemin whispered. “Everything.”
“Me too.”
It was a beautiful summer’s day when, three hours later, a scout found them. Taemin with his head in Kai’s lap, Kai sitting against the tree. One hand was still in Taemin’s hair, the other holding a small pistol.
It was beautiful summer’s day, sunny and eternal.
Pick-up
Prompt
Jonghyun, Onew, club.
The club was dimly lit, writhing bodies picked out with here and there with flashing lights. The air was heavy with the smell of alcohol, sweat and body spray. This was not Jinki’s kind of place. But the bar was good, well stocked, well kept, and well tended. The bartender helped too. Jinki came here for a very specific reason, and that reason was right now mixing his drink with an intense look of concentration, as if this drink was the first he had ever made, rather than just one more among the other millions he made.
There was something deeply intriguing about watching someone doing something they love, and this bartender clearly loved what he did. He poured each part carefully, watching the way the alcohol fell from the tip of the bottle to the bottom of the glass, sliding the bottle slowly against the glass to catch the every last drop. He stirred and mixed with his whole body, in time with the beat thrumming through the club. And when he finally poured the drink into its glass and offered it to whomever ordered it, he offered it with a smile, a sincere, honest smile. Jinki had fallen for that smile.
“Your drink.” The bartender pushed Jinki’s drink towards him, smiling that smile. “Don’t worry, it’s on me.” The bartender added as he watched Jinki fumble for his wallet to extract the bills.
“Uh, thanks.” Jinki mumbled back, taking his drink and sipping it, having completely forgotten what he had ordered.
“Do you like it? The drink.” The bartender inclined his head towards it as he saw the blank stare Jinki gave him.
“Uh, yeah, I do. It’s really nice. Thanks.” Jinki flushed at his awkward reply. He was usually a little more eloquent than this, but then again, he didn’t usually converse with someone like this either.
The bartender pulled out his phone, checked it and cursed.
“Damn, phone out of battery.” He looked up at Jinki and asked. “Mind if I borrow yours? I need to tell a friend to come pick me up.”
“Sure, here.” Jinki felt proud his reply had come so naturally. He handed his phone and watched as Jonghyun tapped away at its screen. Watching the way a few strands of his white, blond hair fell out of their carefully style places and into his face. Watching him pull his bottom lip into his mouth and graze it with his teeth before sliding out again. Watching, staring…Jinki jerked his gaze away as the bartender raised his head and handed back the phone.
“Thanks.”
“No problem.”
The bartender rolled down his sleeves and slipped on a leather jacket pulled from under the bar counter.
“I’ll see you later then.” The bartender winked and walked past Jinki towards the exit. As he brushed passed he leaned in and whispered to Jinki. “I’m glad you enjoyed your Sex on the Beach.” The bartender smirked and walked out.
Jinki stared, open mouthed after him. His ringing phone jerked him out of his daze. The screen flashed “Jonghyun” at him, unfamiliar, but he answered without thinking.
“So, coming?”
The call ended.
Jinki stared at his phone for a moment before breaking into a grin, he read the text message the bartender, Jonghyun, had sent to his “friend”.
Under the receiver’s name, Jonghyun, it was an address.
Random Jongyu Drabble
Prompt from this post on my dash - http://just-saoto.tumblr.com/post/84207273663/bonjourentrez-clockingcreativity
A/N - Mary, here have this as a "Congratulations on finishing your exams fic. I tried :P)
Onew cradled Jonghyun's head in his lap. It wasn't meant to end this way, they were meant to have years and years together, years enough to fill a library with memories. But here they were, with Jonghyun lying in his lap, Onew’s tears on his face.
“Hyung, it’s raining, put on a jacket.” Jonghyun pushed weakly at the jacket covering him. “Take this.”
Onew just shook his head, furiously blinking away tears so he could see Jonghyun’s face properly.
“Hyung, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
“I’m not, it’s j-just the rain.”
Jonghyun smiled, he could hear the tremble in Onew’s voice. Onew cried easily, over the smallest things, but it didn’t mean his tears hurt Jongyun any less.
“I’m going to be fine hyung, trust me.”
Onew nodded, biting his lips from saying anything else.
“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…” Jonghyun began to croon, the gentle song of their childhood, the song they had sung together so many times as they grew up when the days looked dark.
Onew had always loved Jonghyun’s voice, and hearing the song now, he almost broke.
“…please don’t take my sunshine away.” Jonghyun smiled at Onew and his eyes slid shut, looking like he had just fallen asleep.
Onew took one last look at Jonghyun and placed him gently on the ground. He swept up the jacket Jonghyun had pushed at him and pushed his arms through the sleeves. The old, soft leather molded itself to his body. Turning away, he picked up Jonghyun’s fallen firearm and walked back into the darkness.
心太软 - Heart too kind
Song prompt - “心太软” - 任贤齐
Lyrics - Translation
A/N - not the best it could have been. I loosely based it on the song, loosely, very loosely.
Onew rubbed his head as he unlocked the door to their dorm, being careful not to wake the other members. It had been a long day, he had to persuade their manager to shift their schedule for the week so that he had the earlier times rather than Taemin and Jonghyun as it had been originally. Their manager had understood Onew’s concern, but didn’t want to reorganise everything this late, but Onew had kept asking until he agreed. Then he had gone and joined the others in their practice room and stayed behind to perfect their new moves. And now he was exhausted, and wanted nothing more than to collapse onto his bed and sleep.
Pushing open the door to his room, he heard something slide against the floor, pushed back by the door. Onew switched on the light and peered behind the door, and found an envelope lying there. Curious, he picked it up. It was addressed to “Onew Hyung, the best leader in the world”. Smiling now, he opened it.
Dear Hyung,
Thank you hyung for everything you do for us.
You have the best and softest heart in the world, always willing and ready to make our lives easier, even if it makes yours harder. We know it isn’t easy for you. You take on so much responsibility and work for yourself.
Sorry for all the stupid stuff that we have done, and you have had to explain away for take the blame for.
We know you sacrifice so much for us, and we really appreciate it.
But you know, we are a team, we are SHINee. You can share some of your responsibility with us! We aren’t kids anymore, we have all grown up. Let us take care of ourselves, and even you sometimes, everyone deserves a break.
Look after yourself hyung! We can’t be happy if you aren’t happy too, remember we are SHINee. We wouldn’t be who we are without each and every person, our happiness and success depends on each other. So let’s do our best and show the world the best SHINee possible!
Love,
SHINee
Onew read the letter through again, lingering on the encouragements and praise. He knew the other members appreciated him, but it was nice to be told. Onew smiled and carefully put the letter back into the envelope and tucked it away in a drawer. The kids were right, they were SHINee, and they should work together to conquer obstacles. After all, that is why they are so successful now. Sure, talent and hard work were a part of it, but more importantly it was the ties of friendship that let them work so well together, and trust that whatever they do is for the best of the group rather than individual.
Smiling happily, Onew got ready for bed, turning off the lights and crawling beneath his blankets.
Today hadn’t been such a hard day after all.
My Precious
Song prompt - "My Precious" - Jang Geun Suk
Lyrics
Luhan had a thing for Korean dramas, it was a remnant of his pre-debut days when all his university friends would be raving about the latest dramas, and he had watched it just because of all the hype. Now, it was a routine, a little thing from the past that hasn’t changed in this whirlwind of idol-hood.
The only person who put up with these dramas was Jongin. He found the entire thing amusing, but was quite willing to while away a few hours with Luhan watching them.
This was how Friday nights often found them, when they had the time and their schedule allowed for the two groups to be together, curled up at each end of couch with a bowl of snacks between them watching whatever drama Luhan had picked out. This week, it was “Mary stayed out all night”. Luhan liked dramas centred around music or performers, as it gave him something else to concentrate on other than the plot, or lack thereof.
At the moment, Luhan was busy trying to replicate the OST of the drama, “My Precious” sung by Jang Geun Suk. A crease between his eyebrows as he concentrated on picking up the lyrics and humming the tune to himself. Jongin was busy making fun of the actors on the screen and the love triangle they found themselves in.
“Shut up Jongin. I’m trying to hear the lyrics.” Luhan stuck out his foot and prodded Jongin’s leg.
Jongin huffed, but shut up accordingly. He didn’t mind that much, watching Luhan working his way through the lyrics was always amusing. His Korean wasn’t good enough to just pick it up by ear yet, so he had his phone out as well and had the Romanisation on the screen, following along whenever the song came one.
As the song came on for the nth, Luhan tried to sing along.
“Your pronunciation is off, hyung. A little less heavy.”
Luhan nodded, making a note. Although Jongin could be annoying sometimes with his comments, he could be helpful when he wanted to be.
“Still wrong.”
“It’s what it says though! I’m pronouncing it as it’s written.”
“I don’t care what is written hyung. All I know is that there isn’t that particular group of sounds in Korean.”
“Come and look, how else am I meant to say this?”
As the song had ended, Luhan turned his eyes from his phone to Jongin, holding his phone out in defence of his pronounciation.
Jongin rolled his eyes, moved the snacks from the center and leaned over, trying to make out the words on the tiny screen.
“Uh, can you find the actual lyrics? I’m not used to the Romanisation.”
Luhan huffed and took back the phone, entering new search terms. Jongin’s arms were starting to hurt from the awkward position, but if he leaned back now, he would just have to lean forward again when Luhan found the lyrics. Instead, he opted for a change in position and laid back on the couch with his head on Luhan’s leg. Luhan twitched a little from the unexpected pressure, shifting to a more comfortable position with the added weight on his leg.
“Here.” Luhan hovered the phone above Jongin’s face. “This part.”
Jongin read the line out loud and emphasized the pronunciation for Luhan.
“Ah, thanks. That does sound better.”
Jongin smirked.
“Of course it does. What did I tell you?”
The episode was coming to an end.
“Sing it hyung, let’s see how good you are.”
Luhan glanced down at Jongin, who was grinning up at him.
“Fine, but you can’t make fun of me.”
Jongin nodded, head tilting up and down on Luhan’s lap.
Luhan cleared his throat and sang.
“수줍은 그의 속삭임 스며드는 귓가에..........”
By the end of the song, Jongin had dropped off, with a slight smile on his lips. Luhan sighed, and smoothed back some hair. Twisting it around his fingers gently to bend them in the right direction before tucking them gently into the rest of Jongin’s dark hair. Why Jongin always stayed up to watch these silly dramas with him, when he was clearly exhausted from practice, was beyond Luhan. He didn’t even like them that much.
Silly boy, thought Luhan affectionately. He leaned back against the couch, careful not to jostle Jongin, and sighed. He was going to have a sore neck tomorrow, but it would be worth it. Spending time with K, and especially Jongin, was always worth it. Luhan shifted a little to get a bit more comfortable before closing his eyes and gently resting his hand in Jongin’s soft hair, running strands between his fingers, before drifting off to sleep himself.
Remnants
Epilogue
WARNINGS: suicide
“Baekhyun! Baekhyun! BAEKHYUN!”
A voice jerked Baekhyun awake.
Baekhyun’s eyes flashed open, staring at a familiar face hovering above him.
“Chanyeol?” Baekhyun’s voice was uneven, questioning.
Chanyeol smiled and drew back a little as Baekhyun sat up.
“Of course it’s me, why, were you expecting someone else? A pretty girl perhaps?” Chanyeol joked lightly. “You were yelling in your sleep, and thought I should probably wake you up.”
“Huh? Uh…What day is it?”
Chanyeol gave him a weird look.
“It’s January 30th. We have school in a bit, remember?”
Baekhyun slumped back on the bed. He couldn’t quite remember what he had been dreaming about, but it hadn’t been pleasant, he was glad Chanyeol had woken him. Glad Chanyeol was there, period. Strange. Baekhyun frowned a little.
“Come on, I know school isn’t great, but it’s not that bad either. Especially with your grades. Come on, get up so we aren’t going to be late.” Chanyeol stood up and pulled Baekhyun’s arm. “I bought back some food last night, so lunch is done, just get up already!” Chanyeol tugged at Baekhyun’s arm again before letting it flop back on the bed and walking away to finish packing his school bag.
Baekhyun let his arm flop back on the bed, still a little put out by a dream he can’t remember. But decided to ignore it and got up to get ready for school.
It was a usual school day, the same classes and the same faces, and with little to distract him, Baekhyun found himself brooding on his forgotten dream again.
Chanyeol was strangely excited at lunch, apparently he had found a way to get to the roof of the school and wanted to have lunch there. Baekhyun was grateful for the distraction and he willingly followed Chanyeol up.
It was a clear day, the sky was blue, with barely a wisp of cloud in sight. Chanyeol led the way to the centre of the edge of the roof where there was a ledge and sat down. Putting the lunch on the ledge, sitting cross legged facing it like a table. From here, they could see the entire school, and the people walking around in the courtyard.
Baekhyun stood next to Chanyeol, admiring the view. He spun around, his head tilted towards the sky, drinking in the sunshine, with his back to Chanyeol who was saying something.
Baekhyun closed his eyes, he felt strange, like he was watching this scene from above rather than experiencing it from his body. He opened his eyes, Chanyeol was gone, and so was the lunch. He was standing alone on the school roof. Again. He would often feel like Chanyeol was with him, and relive that day on the roof, the day Chanyeol had saved him; and although Chanyeol never knew it, it was the day Baekhyun had fallen for him.
Standing at the edge of the roof where they had had their lunch, he could hear Chanyeol’s voice again. Chanyeol had a nice voice, surprisingly deep, and smooth, but not too rich. Baekhyun closed his eyes again and let his memory of Chanyeol’s voice and that day wash over him. Chanyeol’s voice had been like the antidote to the siren song that day, anchoring him, steadying him. But today, the siren had Chanyeol’s voice.
“Forget me.”
And today, Baekhyun had no antidote.
Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV
Part V
Remnants
Part V - Final
WARNINGS: self harm, thoughts of suicide
The first entry was dated September 1st.
September 1st
Dear Future me,
I moved into the dorms today, and met my roommate, Baekhyun. He looks like a nice person, but maybe a little shy. He also seems so sad. I want to make friends with him and make him happy!
Ah, I am glad I’m well again, otherwise I would never have been able to come to university and meet new people and make new friends. Strange how a much more exciting life is after it was almost snatched away. I am determined to make the most of my university experience!
Future me, hope you remember this day still, it is such an exciting one!
September 7th
Dear Future me,
My classes are going well, and I have met a few new people in them. But they all seem close friends already, and it is hard to be part of their group. But I will keep trying!
Baekhyun is still ignoring me for the most part, but he is polite about it. He answers my questions, but refuses to go hang out somewhere. He eats the food I bring back though, haha, maybe the saying is right; the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach! I will keep bringing back food!
Baekhyun can remember the first time Chanyeol brought him food, he was so surprised his roommate had even thought about him while he was out. But Chanyeol had left the food on the table and told him it was for him. Baekhyun had been hesitant to accept it at first, but Chanyeol assured him no one else was going to eat it, and he should finish it so it doesn’t go off. It had been a simple dish, just rice and some marinated meat with vegetables, but compared to the cafeteria food Baekhyun had been eating for the past week, it was delicious.
Baekhyun kept reading. He sees that Chanyeol updated his diary regularly through the year, and he seems to be the most talked of topic.
September 28th
Dear Future me,
Baekhyun smiled at me today! I might be sounding like an overexcited school girl, but this is big news! Baekhyun seems to be starting to warm up to me. He doesn’t turn or hide away every time I’m in the room, it does making living with him easier. Oh, and I found out he doesn’t like raisins, or anything too sweet, although he loves chocolates well enough. I suspect he wouldn’t like the white ones though, as they are nothing but sugar. Perhaps I will bring back a box of chocolate and see which ones he eats? Ah, clever me, haha.
Classes are going well still, nothing too challenging. Perhaps that is why making friends with Baekhyun is so much more interesting? No, I don’t think so, he just fascinates me. Future me, hope this won’t be embarrassing to read about! I’m sure it’s just a phase.
Baekhyun remembers Chanyeol bringing back chocolates during that first month. He thought it was a strange time to be receiving chocolates, but Chanyeol had just said it was from some girl, and offered them to Baekhyun, leaving the box open on the table where he usually leaves the food. Baekhyun had gotten up later to discover that the box had mostly white chocolates, a few milk and one dark. He had picked the dark one, and saw Chanyeol peering at him from the corner of his eyes, he seemed to be grinning to himself about something, but Baekhyun had ignored it. Just taken the chocolate and went back to his desk.
To think Chanyeol had gone to all that trouble just to find out his chocolate preferences! Baekhyun sniffed, that big idiot, he could have just asked.
Reading through, Baekhyun felt like he was reliving his year again, but through Chanyeol’s eyes as he recalled the memorable moments throughout the year. Some more memorable to Chanyeol, but more often to both.
October 21th
Dear Future me,
I went home this weekend, my parent wanted to check up on me. They can’t believe I’m doing so well! I’m glad I’m able to put their minds to rest, I’m sure I will only continue to get better and become someone they are proud of. There is still so much out there for me to see and explore, I can’t believe that I will not see everything I want to. With this new lease on life, I am determined to live it to the fullest, and to encourage and help those around me to as well.
On this point, Baekhyun worries me. He seems to have so little interest in life, perhaps I am wrong, and he is just extremely shy or focused on school work. But surely everyone needs a balance of a social life and work? I will keep trying to make friends, although he seems to have retreated into his shell again.
The weekend before October 21st…did Chanyeol go home that weekend? He must have done or else he wouldn’t have written about it. But Baekhyun could not recall. He was not interested in his roommates movements at all, not at that point, when it had so little impact on his life. Baekhyun realised how self-absorbed he had been in those first few months. He had been concentrating on school, but perhaps too much. Like Chanyeol said, he didn’t have a balance. He was so immersed in the stress of school he never thought to relax and take a look at the bigger picture. Baekhyun was extremely grateful Chanyeol had coaxed him out of his shell. Remembering the stress he was under in those few months, Baekhyun wasn’t sure he would have lasted until now if Chanyeol hadn’t insisted on being his friend. Something else he never thanked Chanyeol for, the food, the sweets, the attention, and now he never would. And Chanyeol would never get to experience all those things either, he would never see all those places he had dreamed about and later shared with Baekhyun over ice cream and bubble tea.
Baekhyun could feel a tightness in his throat, swallowing hard, he read on.
November 8th
Dear Future me,
Can’t believe it has already been 3 months. Time really flies by here. Next month are exams, I’m not sure I’m prepared for them. Next to Baekhyun, I’m not sure any of us are really prepared. The amount he studies puts me to shame! I should study more so I can make my parents proud.
November 25th
Dear Future me,
I think Baekhyun is coming down with something, he looks rather pale and is sniffing a bit. I think I will go and pick up some medicine and tissues this weekend, it will probably be needed soon.
Chanyeol really did think of everything. Baekhyun didn’t even consider at the time how Chanyeol would have so much medicine and flu supplies at hand. He had just assumed Chanyeol’s mother had packed them for him, he never though Chanyeol had prepared them himself in advance. Baekhyun sniffed, hand reaching for the tissue box lying next to his bed, and paused, forgetting it was empty. Chanyeol had gotten him that box of tissues. As he had all the previous ones too. Chanyeol had finally gotten tired of Baekhyun sniffing all the time and having to walk over to his desk to grab tissues and distracting him from studying. After a particularly stuffed nosed day, Chanyeol had walked over and slapped a box of tissues on his desk and one on his bedside table, and had continuously replaced them throughout the months. Baekhyun had always thought it was because Chanyeol was annoyed at him always walking over to his desk, but now realised it was probably because Chanyeol didn’t want him to make such an unnecessary trip and decided to make his life easier, because that was what Chanyeol did. He constantly considered and thought about others, something Baekhyun had not appreciated until now, when his hand hovered over the empty tissue box.
Baekhyun clenched his fists, withdrawing his hands, and squeezed his eyes shut, taking deep, gulping breaths. He needed to finish reading, these were the last words Chanyeol would ever share with him, he had to keep going. He owed it to Chanyeol.
December 14th
Dear Future me,
Take note, if you every think you have enough tissues, you are wrong. You never have enough tissues, or enough cough drops.
Baekhyun is sick. Coughing, fever, sore throat, the lot. Just as I had expected. I’m trying to bring down the fever with medicine, and help his throat with lozenges and honey lemon water. I think it is working, he seems a bit better than yesterday, and the day before that. I don’t know why doesn’t he call someone, or why hasn’t anyone come to check on him since it is so close to Christmas. He ignores all my questions, although that could be because he can barely speak, but I think he just doesn’t have family around. Ah well, I will take care of him instead, at least he isn’t a difficult patient!
Baekhyun could vividly remember Chanyeol taking care of him during that time. He had felt very grateful that Chanyeol was there, but of course, he never expressed that.
December 24th
Dear Future me,
Baekhyun is better! And just in time for Christmas too. I’m going to stay here and keep him company, my parents understand that Baekhyun has nowhere to go during the Christmas break and is fine with me staying here, well, they were fine after I flat out refused to go home. I knew Baekhyun would never agree to come home with me and spend Christmas at my place either.
Ah, after Baekhyun got better, he has been much more at ease with me, asking me where I was going and reminding me to dress warmly. Perhaps our friendship is finally taking off?
Baekhyun suspected Chanyeol stayed behind on purpose, although Chanyeol had spun him some story about his parents being overseas and no one being at home anyway, but he had been too grateful for the company to call Chanyeol out on it. At this point, Baekhyun was growing used to Chanyeol being a part of his life. After being taken care of during his illness, it seemed like Chanyeol genuinely cared for him as a person rather than just a possible connection or someone to pass the time with. Baekhyun tried to reciprocate Chanyeol’s kindness, but it wasn’t easy. He wasn’t particularly used to thinking about another person in this way. With his high school friends, they hadn’t lived in such close quarters and proximity, and neither had they really been friends out of shared mutual interest, more like one way benefits. Benefits going towards them, not Baekhyun.
Nonetheless, Baekhyun tried. He began taking an interesting in Chanyeol’s life and paid more attention to his movements, trying to act the way he had seen Chanyeol act around him. This had prompted Baekhyun to ask about where Chanyeol was going and to remind him to be careful of the weather, because that is what Chanyeol would have done.
December 27th
Dear Future me,
Please take note of eyebrows when you are dating in the future. Expressive eyebrows are so interesting, and they tell you so much about the person!
Yes, I’ve just been watching Baekhyun for the last little while. We were talking! I wasn’t being creepy.
But his eyebrows are so fascinating to watch. Sometimes they move and other times they are still. When he is confused, he draws them together slightly. When he is disbelieving he arches one and tilts his head forwards slightly. I’ve spent half our talk saying the weirdest things just to see that eyebrow arch and head tilt. It was most amusing. I can tell if he is lying to be or not now, because when he lies his eyebrows rise slightly, to make his eyes larger and appear more believable, but little does he know it gives him away.
Baekhyun seemed rather distracted today as well, just as well probably, otherwise he would think there was something wrong with me, making all these inane comments which he just accepts right now with that arched eyebrow and tilted head.
Ah, the day after Boxing Day. Baekhyun remembers that day clearly, the strange conversation he had with Chanyeol wasn’t easy to forget, and neither was his behaviour. Baekhyun noticed he wasn’t always meeting his eyes, rather, Chanyeol’s eyes were flicking upwards to look at something, Baekhyun had thought he had something in his hair, but since Chanyeol didn’t point it out like usual, he wasn’t sure what was going on. So it turns out Chanyeol was staring at his eyebrows. Admittedly, Baekhyun hadn’t paying all his attention to what Chanyeol was saying either, he had been paying much more attention to the voice rather than what it was saying. Chanyeol had such a deep voice, and so very smooth as well. It always made Baekyun think of mud, sucking you in, but so essential for life and growth as well, a mix of water and dirt, heaven and earth.
January 15th
Dear Future me,
Is it normal for someone to be this obsessed with another person? I have just spent the last hour staring at Baekhyun’s hands. Such nice fingers! Slender, and well defined. This probably isn’t normal, but screw that, or better yet, screw Baekhyun. OK, this definitely isn’t normal. I’m going to stop here before things get even stranger.
Baekhyun definitely remembered that day. He had noticed that Chanyeol was staring at him a lot, and quickly looked away every time he turned to see if he wanted something. A little while later Chanyeol had come up with some nonsense he apparently read in an article about hand sizes being measures of intelligence and had made Baekhyun hold out his hands to be measured. Baekhyun had resisted initially but finally given in as he knew Chanyeol would not let this rest until he submitted. Baekhyun remembers Chanyeol seriously measuring his hand length, hand width, width of fingers and whatnot. Baekhyun had let him do as he wished, too busy staring at the mop of black hair hovering over his hands. Slightly distracted by the way the light glinted off the strands, and the small curl each strand seemed to end with. More distracting was the gentle way Chanyeol was measuring his hands, his fingers. Running his own down each finger, bumping over the knuckles. They stayed like this for a while, Baekhyun staring down as Chanyeol carefully measured the length of his hands from fingertip to base of palm, length of each finger, width of the palm, and other tiny little measurements before rising up and declaring that the article must have been nonsense; for Baekhyun had the perfect measurements but most certainly didn’t live up to the projected intelligence. Baekhyun had mock glared at him, and Chanyeol backed away laughing, until Baekhyun gave in and laughed too, throwing his pillow at Chanyeol and starting a spontaneous pillow fight. A fight which ended up with both of them lying on the ground, arms outstretched towards each side and each other, winded but happy.
February 3rd
Dear Future me,
I think I’m falling for Baekhyun, it’s the only explanation I can think of. I have never been this obsessed with someone before, not even that girl from high school, and I couldn’t stop thinking about her for weeks. But this has been going on for months, since Baekhyun was sick I think. He brought out a different side to me, I’ve never been the most caring or thoughtful person but he made me one. For him, I wanted to be prepared and ready for everything. For him, I wanted to be thoughtful and considerate. Why? He never did anything for me. I just do. Maybe because I saw myself in him, that despair and loneliness, I can understand that. I can see the thoughts that flash through his head when he picks up his razor to shave. I could see the twitch of his hands when he counted out the pills while he was sick. I can see the tension in his back when we had lunch on the school roof. I saw. I saw what no one else sees, or what they ignore. I saw what no one else saw in me except Chen, and he is gone now too. I don’t want Baekhyun to leave, I want him to stay, and to live, to really live. To stop hiding in his room, to tell him the world isn’t all bad and there are still people out there who will stand by him. I want to be one. He woke me up, I just want to wake him up to.
“You changed me too Chanyeol, more than you will ever know.” Baekhyun whispered, dragging a hand across his eyes. He barely remembers that day on the rooftop, just flashes of memory, more like feelings. He had felt anxious and tense, he was so high up and the ground so far away, the flight promised by the distance between the two was like a siren call. But Chanyeol had kept him anchored. He remembered sitting with has back to Chanyeol and just listening to him talk, watching the blue, blue sky, letting his voice wash over him, dragging him down to a dark and safe place. Letting his voice surround him, cradling him until he felt secure enough to resist the siren song.
February 17th
Dear Future me,
Why now? Why right now when things are finally going right?
This is the weekend that broke me. I had to go home for my checkup, and it wasn’t good. I thought I was safe, the doctors thought I was safe, but apparently not. They said two more months, maybe three. There is nothing they can do, nothing at all.
For all my grand words last time. I won’t be able to be here for Baekhyun. I will just be another person who left him. But I am afraid, not to die, no. I came to terms with that last time remember? I’m afraid for Baekhyun.
That was why he went back? And that was the news he got? Baekhyun stared at the date in a daze. He knew for so long then, and he never told me. He said his mother was sick and he had to go back, he lied to me! And I believed him! Baekhyun’s mind raged. Raged at Chanyeol, at his healthy mother, at the world, at himself.
He knew something was wrong with Chanyeol, but when he had brought it up Chanyeol had brushed it off as tiredness, and he hadn’t asked again. Why didn’t he push it? Because he wasn’t as caring and observant as Chanyeol, who learned him so well he could spot his lies. Because he just wasn’t as interested in other people, it had been just himself for so long, thinking of another was so difficult.
Baekhyun wrenched his mind from his cycle of self-hatred and concentrated on the diary in front of him again.
March 7th
Dear Future me, (is there much point to this? There really isn’t much of a future for me.)
I am leaving soon. I can’t do this to Baekhyun, it would be too cruel. I will leave him a note and just leave. It will be better if he doesn’t see me before I go, I’m not sure I will have the strength to leave otherwise. It has been a wonderful school year. I have learnt to so much, both academically and about myself. I have grown so much as a person, although I will not be able to show this new me to the world, I am happy to have grown into this future me.
Baekhyun rubbed another hand over his eyes. He didn’t want to cry right now, he just needed to hang on a bit longer, there was just one last entry left. The last one Chanyeol wrote, it was dated March 29th, and it was addressed to him.
March 29th
Dear Baekhyun,
I leave this diary to you in hopes that you will fill it with your stories and thoughts, to finish the story I started.
I am so sorry Baekhyun that I left. I know you haven’t told me much about your family but the Don told me much of what he knew in hopes that, as your roommate, I would be able to help you through a difficult time; he knew I had gone through a dark patch myself. And I am telling you Baekhyun, it gets better. It really does. One day a razor will just be a shaving tool, and pills will just be medication, and heights will just be another rational fear. I wish I could be here to help you through it, I’m sorry Baekhyun.
There is so much I want to tell you, but I don’t know where to start, or if I will ever stop. But I will try.
Baekhyun, I want to tell you how much I love the shape of your lips, that almost perfect bow. I think you know this, you keep raising your fingers to them when we talk, as if to draw my attention to them. You should know that I’m always aware of them, always. Your fingers too. I believe I have already mentioned my interest in this part of your anatomy, but it bears repeating.
I love the shape and warmth of your hands Baekhyun. And the colour. I know you don’t really like how pale you are, but I love it. I love how I can trace the veins up your arm. Remember that story I told you about following your veins to find longevity? That was rubbish, I just wanted an excuse to touch your skin and follow the veins which carry the life through your body. I was surprised when you believed me, although I think you knew I was being stupid and you probably guessed my real motivation, yet still, you let me.
I think you knew all the stupid and silly things I did were to get to know you better. Although to be fair, you did the same to me! You can’t possibly have been that interested in my ears to always be tugging at them, I’m sure they grown another centimetre since we meet. And I know you can’t think you’ve actually grown any taller, the wall measure says otherwise. Yet you always wanted to compare heights. Not that I minded.
I love our height difference. So when we argued, over the smallest things if you remember, you would always grab that stool of yours to stand on so you could actually yell at my face. Ah, how I loved that stool, almost as much as I loved you.
Yes Baekhyun. I do believe I was in love with you by Valentine’s Day. And thank you for the chocolates by the way, I know they weren’t left by a girl because I have long ago heard them discussing my ineligibility as a potential boyfriend due to my lack of attention to any one, other than my roommate and a few friends. I’m sorry I left before I could return you chocolates on White Day, I hope you will forgive me.
I wish I could give you chocolates each day, not just Valentine’s. I wish I could be there for you each day, not just this past school year. I wish I could tell you I love you each day and not just through this diary. But I can’t do any of that. I can’t do anything anymore for you, yet I want to ask you to do something for me. Just one thing.
Forget me Baekhyun. Forget me and live.
Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV
please if you're going to mention self harm (in the previous writing) can you either like. tag it or at least mention it as a warning at the top????? cause you know i get set off rather easily lmao ok thank you v much have a nice day !!!
I'M SO SORRY!!!!!
I wasn't aware others were actually reading it....I thought it was just my friend.
I will be sure to tag it in the future!
Remnants
Part IV
WARNINGS: self harm, character death
Baekhyun had woken up late on the weekend and, rolling over to look for Chanyeol, he sees the bed messy but empty. A note left on his pillow, addressed to “my roommate”. Baekhyun had quickly torn it open to read.
Hi Baekhyun,
There was an emergency last night and I have had to leave school. I’m sorry I never go to say goodbye, but maybe I will see you again sometime. Do your best in school, and good luck!
Yours,
Chanyeol
Baekhyun had stared at the letter, before crumpling it up and throwing it away. He knew he shouldn’t have let Chanyeol get close, now he was gone, where did that leave him? Alone, again.
About a month later, just before exams were due to start, Baekhyun received a letter. He didn’t recognise the handwriting, and left it on his desk to open later. A few days later, a package arrived, addressed to him in a familiar handwriting. Baekhyun suddenly remembered the letter he had left on his table. After rummaging around on his desk and drawers for some time, he finally managed to extract the letter from between the pages of his textbook where it was being used as a bookmark. He opened the letter first, seeing he had received it first and scanned through it, then read it again more carefully, before finally sitting down on his bed to read it over again concentrating on each word because they didn’t seem to make sense strung together in such a way.
Dear Baekhyun,
I am Chanyeol’s mother and am writing to let you know that Chanyeol passed away two days ago. He has spoken about you often and made me promise to make you aware of his passing. He also mentioned he has left you something. I am not sure what it is, but I promise to send it on when it is found.
(Here is handwriting becomes slightly shaky, and there are what appears to be tear stains on the paper)
Baekhyun, my Chanyeol has not made any friends, as far as we are aware, since he left high school and was diagnosed with his illness. But he spoke about you constantly whenever he was at home, or on the phone with us.
I have not met you, and I do not know who you are. But thank you for making the last months of my son’s life so happy and full of joy. Please believe me when I say, I love you, for you were the light in my son’s life, and so brought light into mine.
Thank you so much Baekhyun. Take care and live well.
The signature was too smudged and shaky for Baekhyun to make out. Baekhyun sat cross legged on his bed, eyes unfocused, hands lying in his lap, still loosely curled around the letter. He occasionally focused on the letter before letting his eyes drift away again, he couldn’t seem to organise his thoughts into a coherent strain. As his eyes focused on the letter again, it caught on the words “he has left you something”. Baekhyun suddenly woke from his daze and his eyes shot to the package that had just arrived today, could it be? It had to be, there was no other reason he would be sent a package. Baekhyun got shakily to his feet and brought the package back to his bed. Searching his drawers for a knife to cut the tape, he came across the last fortune Chanyeol and him had gotten, just the day before Chanyeol had left. It read “Happiness is all around you, if only you looked for it.” Baekhyun had looked up at Chanyeol when he finished reading and smiled, thinking how true it was. Chanyeol had just laughed, as if reading his mind, and mocked him for being sentimental.
Baekhyun found the knife and stared at it, watching the light glint of its edges and thought of how cool and thin it would feel dragged along his skin, before leaving a hot trail across his skin. Baekhyun jerked his thoughts away, and forced himself to focus on the package on his bed. He dug the knife into the tape at one end and quickly drew it through to the other with practiced ease. Inside the package was another letter, and a notebook. Picking up and opening the letter first, he saw Chanyeol’s mother’s, now familiar, handwriting and read,
Dear Baekhyun,
Chanyeol left this notebook for you. I am not sure what is in them, but your name was on a sticky note on top.
This is the last time I will be writing to you, I hope you understand.
Best wishes for your future,
Madam Park
Baekhyun took the topmost notebook out, and saw “Baekhyun” written on a sticky note in Chanyeol’s scrawling handwriting. He gently opened the notebook and saw the date and the following “Dear Future Me” and realised it was a diary. Chanyeol had left Baekhyun his diary. Baekhyun had thought the notebook looked somewhat familiar, and remembered he had seen Chanyeol write in them before. He had always assumed it was just a school agenda or something, but clearly not.
Baekhyun carefully moved everything off his bed, placing the letters in the box and moving everything onto the floor. He leaned back against the window, the day outside very much like the day Chanyeol first burst into this room, and into his life. Baekhyun made himself comfortable, propped a pillow under his leg, opened the diary and began to read.
Part I
Part II
Part III
Remnants
Part III
Slowly, the long months of winter passed, and soon it was February, then March and as the temperature inched up, and the snow melted so did Baekhyun’s attitude towards Chanyeol, and, somewhat less, the world. Baekhyun smiled, talked, and even went out a few times with Chanyeol and his friends, and much, much more often with just Chanyeol. They now often went out for late night meals and bubble tea, taking advantage of the lack of curfew on campus. Particularly on the weekends when they had more time, they would often spend hours playing board games and just chatting over food in the nearest café or tea shop.
Baekhyun never had a problem with being by himself. He got used to it after his parents passed away, and his brother left for another country, leaving him with his grandparents. Although they were kind and caring to Baekhyun, they weren’t the companions for a young teenage boy, and so consequently they simply left him alone to do what he wished. Baekhyun did relatively well in school, but had few friends, all of which left him as they grew older and began to grow tired of a boy who couldn’t hang out with them late at night and go clubbing to pick up girls. Although they pressured him, Baekhyun was too grateful and caring towards his grandparents to ever value his “friends” over them, he always rejected them politely to go home early enough to waylay his grandparents’ worries.
As Baekhyun approached University age, his brother got in touch unexpectedly and said he would take over the caring of their grandparents so Baekhyun could concentrate on school. And so Baekhyun watched his grandparents, the people who had stayed the longest in his life, walk out of his life with one last hug, as they harassed his brother about his life overseas and his current relationship status.
With the abrupt departure of his grandparents, Baekhyun resolved to focus only on his studies and slowly began to shut himself away from the world, one piece at a time; cutting the last of his friends from school, distancing himself from old teachers, deleting the emails from his brother/grandparents, unread and unopened. It was to better concentrate on school he told himself. Not because he hardly had a life outside of academia, but because he chose study over socialising, grades over friendships, and future success over present pleasures. He told himself this every day. Besides, he would think, there isn’t anyone who really wants to know me anyway. All my high school friends were interested in was pushing me to join in experimenting with their drugs in hopes of getting me hooked. It is better I just stay by myself and work, hard work has gotten me where I am today. I will have time to make things right with these people later, to create these relationships later, after I am secure in life.
So although Baekhyun never had a problem with being by himself, he hadn’t realised how alone he had been. Sure, it was nice to be by himself, and do as he liked without pressure from others to be like them. But it wasn’t the same as having another person to complain to when his day went badly. It was nice to have some peace and quiet to think things through, but it didn’t beat hearing another person’s laughter and knowing you were the cause of it. His new friendship with Chanyeol, as he tentatively termed it in his head, was one the happiest things in his life. Soon he came to enjoy their little weekend routine of board games and coffee, broken only once, about two months before the start of exams when Chanyeol had to go home as his mother was ill. But he was back the next week, as cheerful as ever, his mother was fine, it had just been a small thing, nothing to worry about. He even brought back some homemade food for Baekhyun. Just as Baekhyun settled into this routine and began to relax into its stability and permanence, Chanyeol disappeared.
Part I
Part II
Remnants
Part II
Their first encounter set the tone for their interactions for the following months. Chanyeol was always endlessly upbeat, constantly trying to engage Baekhyun in conversation, inviting him to hang out, and just bugging him in general. Baekhyun always responded with the minimal amount of reaction possible, declining all invitations and refusing to answer any of Chanyeol’s questions, in the hopes Chanyeol would just give up and leave him alone, but that didn’t happen. For some reason, Chanyeol was insistent on making friends with Baekhyun, or at least get to know him, however slightly, despite the fact Baekhyun was borderline rude to him every time he tried. Although Baekhyun tried his best to close himself off from Chanyeol, and the world in general, Chanyeol still found out little things about him. For example, Chanyeol knew Baekhyun didn’t like super sweet foods or raisins, but loved deserts and dried apricots, as he ate them when Chanyeol brought back extras from outings with his friends and left them on the table for him, but always picked out the raisins and left the icing on any cakes and sweets he was eating.
Chanyeol found out that Baekhyun didn’t sleep by the window because he was an early riser, but because he was a late sleeper. Chanyeol had often seen Baekhyun sitting against the window in the small hours of the night, head leaned against the glass, breath lightly fogging up the piece of glass in front of his mouth, staring, almost unblinkingly, into the dark of night; whereas in the morning, Baekhyun was more often found buried under his blankets in an effort to avoid the light streaming in from his window.
Chanyeol knew Baekhyun either wasn’t close to his family, or they weren’t nearby, as when he fell sick after exam season, he called no one and no one checked up on him. Except Chanyeol of course, who had silently brought him soup and honeyed water. Waking up to rub his back after coughing fits in the middle of the night. Texting or calling him every four hours to remind him to take his medicine, regardless of where he was or what he was doing. It was one of the most tiring weeks of his life, but Chanyeol thought it well worth the effort when after this bout of illness, Baekhyun seemed to open up a little. The next day after he recovered his voice, he actually asked Chanyeol where he was going, and to take care since the weather was still cold.
“I’m just going down the street, I’ll take an extra jacket.” Chanyeol had said automatically, somewhat in shock over Baekhyun’s comment.
Baekhyun promptly nodded before turning back to his work, brown hair, now getting a tad too long, flopping to hide the upper half of his profile.
Part I