Lost, Please Send Direction

All those who wander have been or will be lost

[findingareasontostay]

Wishing I didn't have to leave my bed.

Scared to drive because I just want to flip my car doing about 80 with no seat belt on.

Hoping to fall asleep and never wake up.

Thinking about taking those pills stashed in my bathroom that I've hid from everyone.

Wondering if the next cut isn't gonna be enough until it's too deep.

Curious when I lean over an edge/cliff about what it would be like to just ... jump

Wanting to get in a fist fight with people just to feel something other then emptiness and loneliness, because at lest pain means I feel something, right?

Feeling guilty that I might hurt people once I'm gone but being so fed up with staying.

[findingareasontostay]

I just wanna scream until my lungs collapse, and cry until I've drown in my tears.

[findingareasontostay]

I feel like I'm just waiting around to die

[findingareasontostay]

I will never trust anyone with the darkness inside me. It always has a way of being thrown in your face later.

[findingareasontostay]

I love so much, I constantly tell my friends that I love them or why I love them. I give compliments as much as I can to see them smile and be happy. It makes me so happy to make others happy. But in the process I have forgotten how to make myself happy, and since everyone always comes to me for happiness, they don't think to give some back. I am empty and hollow with nothing else to give. All they care about is why I haven't been texting or calling ("avoiding them") when I can hardly get out of bed each day. I'm barely surviving.

[findingareasontostay]

Feel like I am gonna vomit from all this anxiety, I wish I could just feel nothing inside me.

My heart is bitter, my soul is tired, my mind is numb.

[findingareasontostay]

Everyone always tells me "you need to love yourself first before you can be happy!"

Excuse me, but I DO love myself, yet I'm still not happy, and I can't keep pretending I'm happy just because I love myself, when all I want is for other to love me too. Humans weren't meant to be alone.

[findingareasontostay]

My brain has been in a fog lately. I'm barely functioning. I've been on autopilot for weeks. I don't even remember where I've been or what I've done most days. I'm trying so hard to not feel anything at all, so instead I have this black hole in my chest. It is devouring me and I'm not sure if anything can fix it anymore.

[findingareasontostay]

Them: wow how are you always so chill no matter what happens to you.

Me: oh I don't know, probably because I'm dead inside

[findingareasontostay]

I've struggled with depression since I was 12. I started self harming when I was in 8th grade (I get tattoos now instead which is progress but i'll eventually run out of space).

I feel emotions so intensely that they would overwhelm me as a young child and I found that through self harm I would get a sense of numbness that could make the emotions go away and soon got heavily addicted to it. As an adult I still get told I feel too much/ show too much emotion, be it positive or negative emotions ( I've tried to surround myself with those who can handle how affectionate I can be which helps).

Numbness becomes one hell of an escape when Feeling becomes too much. At almost 25 still can barely keep knifes and razors in my house and I don't even like having OTC sleep aids in my house in case I abuse it.

Half of my life I've spent fighting my own mind but sometimes I get tired of fighting and I just have to let it win for a while till I can get strong enough to push back again. I keep fighting even though sometimes I don't see a prize at the end of the fight.