Firefly in an Eclipse

Burn brightly, especially on dark nights... [Side poetry blog]

[firefly-in-an-eclipse]

And I remember the look on your face when you turned back to me and said, “We used to have a lot of fun,” and I looked up, met your gaze, and said, “Yeah...we used to.”

Fondness, nostalgia, sadness.

That look was almost enough to make me melt, to make me reinvest in the way things had been.

Almost.

[firefly-in-an-eclipse]

Recovering from heartbreak is painful. Recovering without the aid of distance and time is anguish.

How do you fight your feelings when you are rooted in place and they continue to water you?

How do you stay above the surface when they are the quicksand of your daily life and you have no one around to help pull you out?

How do you cope with watching them fade from confidante to friend to stranger right in front of you?

How do you look ahead when your past is inches away, so tangible and real?

How do you grieve when the person you lost is sitting right across from you?

How do you heal when the reason for your wound reopens it every morning?

How do you remain steadfast when the only distance you have is measured not in miles but in willpower?

How do you move on when you’re shackled to them by circumstance?

How do you let them go while you’re still missing them so terribly?

How do you survive without distance and time?

The answers are there, but that doesn’t make them any easier to follow.

[firefly-in-an-eclipse]

That’s the thing about me, I suppose.

I take in the broken, the wounded, the lonely. The old souls seeking solace in a kindred spirit, the people in need of a friend who will listen and understand and relate.

And then, with time, I watch them heal. Sometimes I even help stitch them back together. Sometimes I just provide the balm of words and companionship.

Eventually, they take another chance at life. They move forward, they fall in love. They find someone to be with, their one in a million.

They walk into the sun and leave me in the dark, because really, what light can a star hope to give when compared to the brilliance of day?

I take in the broken, the wounded, the lonely. And they leave me when they are whole and healed and found.

I’m still here; I always am. Everyone else is just passing through.

That’s the truth about me, I suppose.

[firefly-in-an-eclipse]

Welcome to a place where...

boys don’t run after you when you hope they will

people leave when you say ‘go’

your feelings aren’t noticed or reciprocated

rejection - personal and professional - is a daily routine

comfort food doesn’t make it hurt less

addiction is an infinity sign

life lets you down and people let you down more

apologies are not accepted and never given

goodbyes are implied with silence rather than spoken

texts are seen but ignored

hearts are broken instead of mended

you learn from failures but never seem to move on from them

the people you love leave you.

Welcome to the real world.

[firefly-in-an-eclipse]

There’s a reason I don’t tell you how I feel

it’s in the way you only listen when you’re bored

only reach out when you’re lonely

only do something nice when I’ve done something nice first

it’s in the way your level of caring is directly related to how you feel

not how i feel

I’m a convenient escape

a second choice diversion

an acceptable afterthought

superfluous.

Meanwhile, you’re my world.

Can you imagine how fast that world would shatter if you put into words what I already know you don’t reciprocate? Or worse, if your only answer to my declaration of love was silence? Indifference?

You’ve already proven your lack of feelings a million times over.

So what reason would I have to tell you how I feel?

[firefly-in-an-eclipse]

If I bled, would you notice?

If I cried, lend a sleeve?

If I stumbled, would you catch me?

If I died, would you grieve?

If you bled, I would notice

If you cried, I’d be there

If you stumbled, I would catch you

But that’s because I care.

[firefly-in-an-eclipse]

Life is cruel, and it certainly relishes its irony. Proof: you get my heart and hers, while I am left standing in the shadow of a love that will never be mine.

[firefly-in-an-eclipse]

‘Never give up’ is great advice -- except for when it applies to people.

When we’re speaking of people, sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to give them up.

[firefly-in-an-eclipse]

It’s strange, really, but even though we are not together, you are still the reason behind so many of my secret smiles and stolen moments of happiness.

[firefly-in-an-eclipse]

So many of my loved ones are happy that sometimes, I am able to ride the coattails of their joy and forget, for just a little while, that I am not.

[firefly-in-an-eclipse]

So often now, I find myself rereading your texts from before, reliving the days when we were starting out instead of ending. More often still, I wish you would send me just one more text, one more sign that somewhere, in some little way, you still care.

[firefly-in-an-eclipse]

The tragedy of it all is that you and I...we’re right for each other

but it will never be the right time for us.

[firefly-in-an-eclipse]

I feel that I’m destined for a great many things in this lifetime.

Alas... happiness is not one of them.

[firefly-in-an-eclipse]

Some people learn from their mistakes. I drown in mine.

LW

[firefly-in-an-eclipse]

No matter how many times I rework my story, no matter how many times I edit my narrative, you are never going to be waiting for me on the last page. You are, sadly, not meant to be my happily ever after.

[firefly-in-an-eclipse]

I must be a masochist

for the things I desire burn me from the inside out

and I keep fanning the flames anyway.

[firefly-in-an-eclipse]

You are the song in my heart, the laughter on my lips, the tears in my eyes, the secrets I keep, and the only vibrancy in my otherwise dull world. The one thing you are not, sadly, is mine.

LW