It really is very weird to read back over my posts here. Although in the last few years I’ve only posted sporadically (my last post was almost twelve months ago) I still look back through them and get a snapshot of what I was feeling at those particular times.
Unfortunately though, it does pretty much document a life of almost absolute failure; Having started this blog in September 2012 with the aim of ‘making myself healthier’ I am now four + years down the track and can boast absolutely no improvements. In fact it can pretty much stand as a public record of my decline..
The decline in the healthy behaviors I did have, in my mood, in my mental health, in my lifestyle, in my social life, in my ability to focus, in my motivation, in my self-esteem, in my self-control, in my self-pride and probably most tellingly, in my belief that things can get better, and I can honestly say that the only thing more heartbreaking than realizing that you’ve wasted more than four of your best years mooning over the same inadequacies is coming to terms with the fact that you may be mooning over them for the rest of your life.
So what do you do when you honestly feel like you have tried everything there is to try? Try it all again I suppose.
Wow, so I’ve made it through 8 whole days of sugar detox! I’m genuinely surprised as I don’t feel I’ve had all that many detox side-effects or cravings.
The boy even bought a block of chocolate and I didn’t even think about it, he very thoughtfully ate the first half outside one night rather than in front of me but the next night I went and got it for him to finish - he had that and I had a Quest Bar.
So through the weekdays I’ve continued alternating between Atkins Shakes and Quest Bars throughout the day and then having a full meal in the evening. Then over the weekend days I swapped out my Lunchtime Shake for a Sandwich so I could eat with the boy. I haven’t exercised everyday but I have done two training sessions (the one yesterday gave me an INSANE headache for some reason).
I weighed in this morning at 83.2kg which keeps me on track for my optimistic, 1kg loss per week, goal.
Tomorrow I have an all day seminar to attend in the city so it’ll be my first full day out of my house since I started my detox, I think my only option in this hot weather is a Shake in the morning and taking an ample supply of Quest Bars with me.
Anyway, I at least have some renewed hope that I may actually complete the full 4-week detox.
I have lived through two days of my new-career and my sugar detox.
On the work-for-myself-from-home career front it’s pretty quiet. I think I’ll make my minimum target for billable hours this month which will cover my share of of our living expenses but I will need to start picking up more clients soon if I want to start making an income comparable to wages (and have any kind of spending money). But I knew it was going to be quiet to to start with and being on top of my work and having a lot of spare time to ‘just get myself well again’ was the an initial goal.
Sugar Detox wise, the last two days looked like this:
Monday: Got up at about 8.30, had a Atkins Shake around 9am, had a Quest Bar around 11am, Atkins Shake around 1pm, took dog for a walk into town and back, Quest Bar around 3pm, Atkins Share at 5pm, made a Chicken Stirfry with Brown Rice for me and the boy (I used Celebrate Health Teriyaki Sauce which had the lowest sugar I could find - I really need to find a good sugar free stir fry recipe). I didn’t feel I needed dessert but at about midnight when my dog got me up to go outside (which he regularly does) I grabbed a Quest Bar and ate about 3/4 (snacking while I’m up is a serious habit of mine, but I felt the Quest Bar was a pretty good go-to).
Tuesday: Got up around 8.30am and had an Atkins Shake, had a Quest Bar around 11am, gave up trying to be productive and started reading the last half of a book, Atkins Shake around 1pm & continued reading, finished the rest of my Quest Bar from the night before at about 2pm & continued reading. Ended up doing a bit more work around 4.30pm and at 6pm I cooked myself a dinner of Baked Salmon and Sweet Potato Fries w. Steamed Broccoli and Corn (the boy was working late) and then had a Quest Bar for dessert around 8pm. No exercise happened but it was a 40 degree day so I’ll let myself get away with that.
I have had headaches each afternoon but my neck has also been petty sore/out also. I’ve been kind of lethargic but no more than usual really, especially considering it’s been some really hot weather.
Monday I weighed myself, which I was dreading as the last week of my holiday was basically one huge ‘the diet starts on Monday’ style binge. I was 84.7kgs, which is pretty much the highest I’ve ever actually seen on my scales (I think my weight has gotten higher at times but I’ve chosen not to confirm it). I’ve been hovering around the low 80s for at least 6, maybe 12, months so my initial goal is to bring myself back into the 70s (at least then some of my clothes should start to fit again).
This morning I weighed in at 83.8kgs so that was nice to see.
Today is day one of my new existence. After quitting my office job three weeks ago and then having some time off with my boyfriend, today is my first official day of my new work for myself - from home, career. I’ve only managed 3 hours of legit work today but I’m going to let that go through to the keeper because this is also the first official day of a new round of Operation: Sort Myself Out.
Now, I haven’t been blogging much here over the last couple of years but in short I am not in a good place. In the last 1-2 years I have gone from struggling with motivation, body issues/self-esteem and stress, to (among many other things) an official diagnosis of severe depression and a prescription of Aurorix anti-depressents.
Now, food and eating has always been a central focus of my woes but the relationship I have with food has been evolving constantly. Lately however, I have become very aware of how I am using sugary foods (mostly chocolate), in a very comparable to the way an alcoholic or gambler use their vices: I crave it constantly, it consumes my thoughts, it provides the ‘perk up’ I need to make my day better/easier, I experience ‘come-downs’ when I abstain and ‘hangovers’ when I completely overindulge, I use food for boredom, for sadness and to celebrate alike, it effects my ability to function in all the same ways as a chemical drug dependency could e.g. I cannot focus properly, I find it hard to get motivated, I procrastinate, my moods are unstable and lets not even get started on the physical consequences.
So when I happened across this post from the 300 Pounds Down blog it resonated with me on a few different levels. Now, I have tried ‘sugar-free’ previously off the back of reading ‘Sweet Poison’ by David Gillespie. But to be honest, for me back then it was mostly about losing weight and I hadn’t yet accepted that my eating patterns were controlled by my emotions and was still aiming for a food allergy type ‘answer to all my problems’ kind of outcome. Now I see things a bit clearer and I understand what is really compelling me to eat like I do (even if I don’t fully understand the why yet). So although I get why I am motivated to eat I am still growing pretty concerned at how intense my need for sugary food has gotten and so my is a 4 week Sugar detox, using the 300 Pounds Down blog as inspiration:
I have found myself some Atkins Shakes as mentioned in the blog post (currently enough for 4 days or so), but unfortunately supermarkets here only seem to stock 2-3 packets at a time and only the Chocolate flavor so I may need to have to come up with a better method. To be honest I’m not a fan of shakes, they feel so artificial to me (and don’t taste the best) but when you compare them to the crap I do happily fill my body with I think they have to be an acceptable short-term improvement.
But, I have also stocked up on Quest Bars, as I think I would make myself utterly sick if I were to only drink Atkins Shakes every two hours, and I’m pretty sure they fit the same low-carb, no-sugar requirement. Plus, I am intending to enjoy one healthy, but hearty, meal per day - dinner, as I’ll be cooking it for the boyfriend too.
I’ve psyched myself for a possibly painful and stressful detox process, essentially thinking that at least the next two weeks will be a complete write-off. I will be aiming to be active at least once a day, to practice yoga once a day, to drink a tonne of water and possibly even a detox bath or two - to try and speed up the process. Honestly I have no idea if I have the capacity to stick to the plan given my track record of complete failures, I’m just hoping my curiosity to see what it’s like on the other side of the detox will give me the momentum I need to make it there. I’m looking forward to tracking the process, and hopefully the improvements I see, here.
Essentially I view my existence as a constant struggle between trying to be invisible and being treated like I’m non-existent.
So not really a surprise that I am one messed up individual then is it?
Basically today’s session with my psychiatrist was a complete fuck up. Ending with her coming to the conclusion that I am angry. No. Shit.
So what am I angry about?
Well, I’m angry at all those things that a human being just doesn’t have the right to be angry about. You know; that I have to go to work everyday, that people don’t get out of my way on the side walk, that I wasn’t born with multi-milliion dollar inheritance or a royal, or a Kardashian, that I’m not skinny with flawless skin and endless energy, that I’m not talented or creative blah blah blah.
Probably more significantly, I’m also angry that my parents make no effort to hide their bullshit from me, particularly back in the day, that I’m always the friend who has to be the first one to call, to suggest a hook up, to even keep the friendship active at all and that my boyfriend (for what ever reason, be it his childhood issues or just his personal dislike for it) can’t be fucked giving me a cuddle.
My ideal; that being a reasonable human being means that you set these feelings aside and get on with life - cause no one owes you anything, not even if they are close to you - is apparently the cause of why I am so desperately unhappy.... swell.
So my brain, being the awe-inspiring piece of anatomy that it is, for some reason takes my anger and converts in into the following:
An intense desire to be thin, fit and attractive, to dress like a rock star, exude the confidence of one and so on.
But also the inability to; follow any form of diet - hell scratch that - just to not eat shit 24/7, so much as take my dog for a walk to the end of my driveway, wear anything other than the one set of clothes I have worn in and know vaguely fit from an outsiders perspective, order food from any cafe that has vaguely ‘cool’ staff and so on.
It makes me feel angry about all the shit I deal with in life but is also invokes severe anxiety at the mere thought of standing up for myself when there is even the smallest possibility that I could be in the wrong (which, because of the simple fact that I see myself as fat and unkempt, means that I am always in the wrong).
There you go I said it out loud; unless I’m skinny I am unworthy of being taken seriously - commence applying basic ‘anorexic teenager with body issues’ principles to my treat me.
Here’s where I’m at right now:
My uncle died earlier this year after a struggle with cancer. At the time it kind of forced us all to consider what we actually thought happens once we die. For me, I just think that death is nothing. You cease to live, but you also cease to feel pain, and not just physical pain, but all kind of mental pain as well. The struggle of living ends and is replaced with peace. No thoughts about work, kids, houses, bills, cars etc to affect you, the good and the bad all just goes away. Right now I’m even willing to take it further. I am starting to honestly think that this world/life is actually the hell that we are all supposed to fear. We are put on this earth with nothing but the inept piece of equipment that is the brain to navigate us through and we are punished from the day be are born to the day we die, both physically and mentally. We are awarded some good times because without any good the bad wouldn’t be nearly as effective. We are continually bombarded with shit, and even if you life is fairly privileged or you are successful you still get to endure a constant barrage of thoughts.
Anyway, I’m off to work now, cause you know, that’s what we humans do.
I’m I’ve come to the point where I have to admit that my relationship is something that is causing me a great deal of emotional stress.
Last week, D (lets refer to him as that for the sake of this post) and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary. I honestly think that the fear of possibly having to accept that my relationship is not working, possibly even not able to work is more than I want to face. D and I work on a lot of levels because we have the same values and direction in life but I can also see that, particularly now, we are dragging each other down significantly and even though I have avoided this topic for a really really long time, like every elephant, it now has to be acknowledged.
I see my exhaustion and frustration at life reflected in him more and more each day and I feel like it is my fault; that I have dragged him down with my negativity. With that comes a feeling that, if I could lift my mood and be more positive and inspired that he would improve as well.But, there I go again, putting someone else’s needs before mine though; couldn’t he achieve the same thing if he chose to put my needs first?
I just went back and I think it was October 2006 (I do remember exactly where we were) when I first realized that we barely kissed, cuddled or had any physical contact with each other outside of sex. This was 1 year and 3 months into our relationship (and 8 years & 9 months ago) but I’ve always dismissed this as just his way as D had a pretty ordinary childhood which, among many other downfalls, didn’t include any women to give him affection like that.
Realizing that I have gone for almost 9 years without much of a ‘non-sex-orientated’ or ‘consistently pleaded for’ hug is actually pretty saddening. Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely not much of a cuddler myself, spooning is just annoying and people who insist on holding hands everywhere they go annoy the shiz out of me. But I do lament the loss of making out for the fun of it and, particularly these days, would really appreciate a kiss and hug hello after a shitty day.
About a year ago, when we had bought our new house and were waiting to move in we had our only personal D&M I think we’ve ever really had. D raised the issue of us not having sex anymore, and even stated that if it just ‘wasn’t there anymore’ that we should go our separate ways. We discussed how I didn’t think he was all that interested in me anymore and he assured me that definitely isn’t the case, but I stopped short of saying exactly why I felt that way (a lack of affection in any form) - mainly because I felt that would be accusing him, and probably drag the conversation out and possibly even into more serious territory, and I don’t feel that would get us anywhere - and he obviously doesn’t make the connection (or ignores the connection as something I should just get over).
I understand the reason I don’t want sex at this point is two-fold; One, being that I can’t stand myself; I honestly don’t care if he is ok with my body, I am not. I can barely spend 15 minutes looking at myself in the shower so I definitely can’t handle myself in sex-mode right now, and Two, I’m given absolutely nothing to work with, no fun, no playfull-ness, no being made to feel desired, sexy or really even appreciated. There is basically no ongoing turn-ons what-so-ever just a; get in bed and get ready we’re doing it now feeling, and I can’t come at it. Plus, major confession and probably TMI here but; even in the days (with D and others) when it was all new and sexy as hell, I have NEVER had an orgasm through intercourse, so you can probably imagine that these days I pretty much wait for it to just be over with - and that is no way to be.
A conversation with my friend last week highlighted to me that D and I don’t discuss anything really (we have deep conversations about the world and society, how fucked up our parents are, stupid our bosses are etc) but we never discuss anything that annoys us about each other, never ask the other to stop doing something because it’s annoying, we basically skirt around discussing each other and never have any kind of relationship check-in whatsoever.
And this, on my part is because, if I open up and tell D what I need him to change he will then have free reign to tell me what I am failing at, and I don’t think I can handle that. And if it’s something I can’t fix then where does that leave me, or us?
I guess it comes back to my last post. I’m already burnt out from trying to put everyone else’s needs before my own, and I’ve tried really hard not to need anything myself - to my own detriment - and if he comes back at me and says he can’t or that it’s ‘my fault’ I know I won’t be able to handle it.
Is it really to much to want someone to just put me first and just do something for me and not themselves, for the sake of it, without argument or resentment or carry on, or making me feel selfish and shit about it?
So my psychiatry sessions are continuing. We are highlighting a lot of issues but I’m not yet seeing any fixes being put forward, so I remain skeptical that this will actually get me anywhere.
A few of the observations so far:
That I have got myself to a point where I don’t have any needs; whether it is through fear of not having them met (most likely re: my relationship needs) or just through experience that they wont be met (most likely re: my work, family/friends & personal needs).
Related to this, I am ‘rebelling’ against any form of ‘whats good for me’;dragging my heels to start on work or any promo for my own business, inability to get started on study/projects, unable to plan a meal, reluctance to eat anything I do prepare in favor of takeaway or shop bought, inability to go outside and be active, etc etc etc. So essentially; I have now just completely given up on myself.
The therapist put forward that it is because I have spent so much of my life and energy looking after everybody else’s needs that I’ve got nothing left for myself now. I don’t know about this, I don’t feel like I do all that much for other people, aside from walk around on eggshells for them.
The reality that I find it impossible to feel like I have/am succeeding at anything because I can’t do it 100% perfectly is still the main cause of my anxiety. Whether it is feeling like a failure at work because I got that one email questioning something I did, or feeling that I can never ‘be taken seriously’ because of how I look, or that I can’t have a good time because I am so sub-conscious.
But then if you take those last two one step further and think: what if I am keeping myself in this fat/unhealthy/unkempt state so that I don’t have to deal with those things. Like if I don’t look professional they wont give me more work which I have the potential to not be good at, or if I don’t feel good there is no point going on a big holiday (which no-one would go with me on anyway), or I won’t have to go to that party and feel like an idiot for everything I say.
Then maybe my inability to look after myself really is just a defense mechanism after all - a fear of success. Maybe I am just protecting myself from the anxiety which comes from responsibility and the possibility of genuine rejection. If I have the excuse of how I look as the a reason why I’m not succeeding in my career or life in general or why I shouldn’t plan to go somewhere/do something, I am able to keep myself safe from feeling uncomfortable and beyond that perhaps keeping from having the idea that I am not worthy of being liked or loved being confirmed.
It’s not about being skinny anymore. Don’t get me wrong being thin is still something I want, and if a genie popped up now and gave me three wishes I’m sure that will still be my first request, but I think I’ve now accepted that it is a certainty that I will never be “thin” again.
It is still about having a body that I can be happy in. I do want not to have a double chin and a big bulging belly that prevents me from wearing anything but baggy shirts and dresses as t-shirts - I do want to be able to move and be physical and I do want to feel comfortable, both in clothes and in my skin. I do want to be able to walk to work with out feeling like the muscles in my shins are going to explode - I want to feel fit & strong. It’s about my neck not constantly hurting - I want to be able to stretch and move my body easily.
So far I have not found ‘healthy’ in meal plans, calorie deficits, ‘clean food’, fitspo, or training plans and in fact, have been moving further and further away from healthy as the years have passed and I’ve tried harder and harder to follow these ideas.
At this point I feel that being healthy for me would be having energy & motivation, feeling strong and able to move freely, to sleep well at night and to not feel desperate for or guilty about food.
So that’s what I’m aiming for now. Unfortunately I have no idea how to go about this because my sub-conscious is currently at war with anything it associated with the old ‘healthy’. Getting up early, no matter what it’s for, brings about a degree of anxiety I can only think of as my body anticipating being dragged outside on a run it isn’t fueled for or interest in doing. Having a healthy meal for evokes a degree of disinterest akin to eating cardboard or even a feeling of panic at not getting a dose of comfort food and not being able to get one later if it’s needed.
Basically, my body is finally done with my shit, it’s taken me out of the drivers seat entirely (after warning me several times; letting me run it down before it kicked in and restored equilibrium). Now it’s just doing what it wants, or rather, not doing what it doesn’t want.
So perhaps healthy is really just trusting that your body actually knows what it’s doing and getting out of your own way. Sure, you may want to look like a model but your body is actually sitting back going “well it’s actually of no use to us to look like that, so, no”
Yesterday I read this short book called The Perfection Myth.
I personally found it hard to find inspiring only because when the writer had her realization and gave up dieting and body obsessing she was in shape (really good shape - as a body builder). I know it’s relatively stupid and probably against the whole point of the book but I immediately feel myself mentally saying “yeah that’s fine for you to let go and eat what ever you want - your not already 10kgs overweight and feel like complete shit”. In addition, the writer Madeyln Moon comes from the place of being a perfectionist - who actually has the ability to behave as one (by setting goals and following through to the point of excess for example) - so as someone who has been completely incapable of following through on anything for years it also made it hard to relate.
One of the concepts she presents however, is one that I want to spend time contemplating and see if I can fit it to my own behavior a little more closely.
Being in control; I never thought of myself as someone who has to be in control and I certainly never considered my eating disorders to be of the “this is the only thing in my life I have control over” variety. But, when I think of my personality I do have to note that I have an intense desire not to be embarrassed in any way. I absolutely hate being the center of attention (I fear things like having happy birthday sung to me for example) of being in the wrong place (like finding myself in the wrong lecture room at uni and having to leave while people look at me). I don’t like one-on-one interaction with people who make me uncomfortable (people I perceive as being better than me, or someone I need to not seem stupid in front of like my boss) and have started to have intense anxious feeling when saying anything in front of a group of anymore than two people.
Maybe this comes from when I was teased for the clothes I wore to gym class in my first year of high school (literally the earliest memory I have of feeling uncomfortable), or maybe it is a desire to go unnoticed that comes from some other trauma I can’t remember.
Maybe my fear of not looking good, or making a mistake is purely about not wanting to be noticed, remarked about or even thought of for the wrong reasons by other people. Maybe my in ability to achieve anything is a protection mechanism, if I don’t try then people wont see me fail? I’m not sure, it’s definitely one that is going to get some more consideration.
Right, well it’s been a few months since my last post, but my posting over the last couple of years has been sporadic at best anyway.
Mostly because not much has really changed for me. Actually a great deal has changed, and happened, over the last few years but in terms of my feelings towards myself and my satisfaction in life, I am still where I was 8 + years ago.
After turning 30 at the start of this year I have persevered through what I can only describe as a heartbreaking, demoralizing & at times frustrating 6 months. I can honestly say that I finally reached the point of allowing myself to contemplate the idea of “is this really all it’s ever going to be?” and sadly came close to giving the notion of “what is the point of continuing to fight this” more thought than anybody should. In truth, I’m still in this place, but took a trip to a doctor for a bad flu a couple of months ago and he actually took the effort to review my file and bring up some of the issues I had visited for in the past. This was pretty damn miraculous in itself as doctors here rarely give a flying fuck about the issues you go in to see them about let alone the ones you’re not there specifically for. Anyway, he observed that it seemed like I had indeed completely given up on trying to heal myself and he floated the idea of sending my to a clinical psychologist. I left his office without any commitment that first time but when my flu returned with a vengeance a month later and I had to return to see him I figured it could just be a sign from the universe and I let him refer me.
I’ve now had two sessions with her. In the first I went through my personal story up to this point, the things I’ve realized about myself and what I do. Her main observation in this session was that “I feel there is something wrong with me, that I am flawed/unworthy in some way”. In the second session I went over my family, how they behave, how they treat me, how it was going up etc. Her conclusion was much the same as the one I had already come to, I never really had parents, I had a father stuck in his teenage years in terms of his behavior, and a mother who acts like a competitive, over-dramatic, sibling. I assume the next session will cover of my relationship with my boyfriend.
In terms of where I’m at personally now. Well, I have quit dieting/ trying to eat ‘healthy’ entirely; for the most part this is because I can no longer control my eating in any way whatsoever and so have stopped trying. It is also partly due to having read some of Matt Stone’s books on metabolism which have resonated with me on a few levels and seem like a convenient path to follow given the aforementioned inability not to.
I have not exercised since Christmas and I have given up weighing myself entirely because I am beyond scared of what scales will tell me.
I am now only working three days a week at my job in the city, the other two days I work from home as a contractor. I don’t feel confident enough to pursue more work of my own right now so I fear I’m stuck in this limbo for a while longer. The pressure at my job has lifted significantly but the whole processes of getting there, being stuck in the office, dealing with the people there is still frustrating for me.
I have however reconnected with one of my friends. We have started catching up weekly, and although I lose motivation before out catchup's quite regularly I enjoy the time we spend together once I’m there.
My relationship with my partner is still a fair source of disappointment and anxiety for me right now. We have not been intimate in probably close to a year now and I just cannot bring myself to get motivated in this area, mostly due to absolutely loathing my body right now. I also feel that I continue to drag his mood and motivation levels down with my own. If I were a more positive energy to be around I think he would not be quite so frustrated or demoralized with his life right now. Put it this way, even our ten year old great dane has more energy than we do, to the point where he looks for opportunities to exercise himself. I can’t help but think he just looks at us and thinks “what the hell is wrong with you two?!”
I”m not entirely sure why I decided to write this post today, mostly I come back to the this blog whenever I have something significant to record and I should probably do it more often.
Currently I am on day 3 of a 4-day phase 1 of my 'something's gotta give' plan; this has primarily involved quitting caffeine and abstaining from chocolate.
This mini phase is really just to ease me into the next level, which I intend to start on good Friday. The idea of these first four days is to cut out my two biggest stimulants and get the bulk of the headachey, grumpy & anxious feelings out of the way before a weekend of ‘rest & recovery’, whatever that really means.
To combat the complete spaz out my body and brain are having at being deprived of its two favorite things I'm allowing myself whatever starchy/meaty/dairy laiden comfort meals I feel like, without guilt (yes, dinner tonight was actually butterscotch icecream) - as the essence of this plan is to improve nutritionally but also to look after myself emotionally as I ween myself off the worst of my stimulants one at a time..
Unfortunately today had two moments where I was picked up on some things I’d forgotten to do for work as well as the stress of (finally) having something explained to me and then panicking because I thought it was overdue (it isn’t but I don’t have long until it is..). This essentially just threw me into a melt down; I feel stupid that I didn’t pick up on these things and then I get panicky (I can’t really pinpoint why; perhaps that I feel that I’m failing, or that people are upset at me), it all goes around and around in my head, and then I just want to get away (flight or fight). Unfortunately I can’t really get away from it, probably mostly because it is my own head, and so my well practiced method for dulling the inner turmoil is to try to drown it with food.
I have no doubt that I am completely burnt out mentally and physically (which may be the reason why I just can’t seem to stay on top of things, but I think it really is just the way I operate unfortunately) . I have been seeing my original Naturopath, who helped me a lot many years ago, and she has pointed me back in the direction of dominate gland body typing. My governing gland is my Thyroid and my current food choices are primarily Caffeine, Sweets & Starches - all foods which stimulate the Thyroid gland. The idea is that when I am tired or stressed I turn to these foods to get myself firing and I’ve been doing it for so long that my Thyroid is now over-stimulated and all kinds of fucked up, so much so that, with it depleted I may even being moving onto sucking the life out of the other major glands. The solution is apparently to avoid the foods that over-stimulate the Thyroid so that it falls back into balance with the rest of the glands and everything starts working in harmony together.
However, as my Naturopath has stressed, it’s actually my stressed & fatigued state that I need to deal with first before I will see any changes in my cravings & behavior. Simply trying to eliminate the stimulating foods isn’t going to work because 1. I probably wont be able to maintain the will to do so for very long and 2. at the end of the day my body will still be trying to find a way to deal with the stress hormones I’m subjecting it to.
My idea is to spend the four days I have off over Easter focusing on resting and relaxing and eating properly; thinking if I felt tired or anxious, instead of giving in to food, I could nap or watch a dvd, acknowledge it and give myself a break. I was hoping that half a week of ‘detoxing’ from the worst stimulants and a long weekend of cleaner eating and resting, might be enough to start balancing out my moods and that I may be able to navigate days like today with a bit less inner turmoil, at least enough to help me stick to avoiding the “bad” foods and subsequently lower my anxiety, as so on.
I don’t know, this is really all I have right now so I’m just going to go with it.
Yesterday I weighed myself for the first time in a long while. The main reason I haven’t weighed myself is that I have just been incapable of facing the reality of what my weight now.
Anyway, yesterday’s result was 78kg
Yep, 78 fucking kilos.
To give you an idea of why this is so fucking scary:
Roughly 2 years ago I weighed around 66kg (66.5kg on the 2/2/13), I’d been hovering around this mark since I had stopped full blown binge eating episodes sometime in 2010/11. When I started my current job in July 2013 I made a little progress (64.9 on the 14/7/13)
In April 2014 I got on the scales and for the first time saw a number over 70 (71.1kgs on the 25/4/14). This frightened me so much I went to a doctor for medication in an attempt to stop my ‘comfort’ eating method of dealing with my anxiety, and in May I started taking Zoloft. I stopped taking Zoloft in August or September because it reduced me to a sugar/fat craving zombie, and in October I weighed in at a devastating 78kgs (78.2kg on the 16/10/2014)
It’s now March 2015 and, although I guess I should be happy that I have not gained any additional weight, I’m still stuck inside 78kg of hell (and as I write this I am also sick with a head cold so it’s probably safe to say I am in truly rotten spirits)
I’m currently obsessed with the song ‘Something’s Gotta Give’ by All Time Low, it is pretty much me in a nutshell. I can even almost appreciate the irony of the video clip being a zombie Alex walking around dressed as french fries..
Just cancelled the meagre plan I did have for my 30th (going to the beach, pretending it wasn't happening, avoiding all interaction with people) because it's going to be too high of a fire danger day at home to travel. So am now going to spend this momentous birthday doing exactly what I didn't want to do: sitting at home, being hot, fat, uncomfortable & probably on the verge of tears and then going out to dinner (for which I have no nice clothes that fit to wear) with my psychotic parents who are on the verge of divorce. Fucking yeah, I win at life.
After 8 years of hating myself (watching my weight increase and health, fitness, mental health, self confidence & relationships decline despite my 'best efforts', it is really hard to imagine that I will ever be able to achieve what I want and need to and be happy. After failing that many times you start to just expect that you are just going to continue to do so and it makes it harder and harder to motivate yourself into trying again, then, the longer you take to try again, the further down you slip and the goal that you failed to achieve when it was only a little way away, gets further and further away and again feels less and less achievable.
Right, so here are the basics of what needs to happen:
I need to feed myself properly which means deciding what healthy food is, buying it, prepping it and actually eating it. Eating exactly enough of it, at regular times throughout the day.
I need to exercise, get up early and walk my dog, get on my cross trainer, follow a program on my total gym, just do something every day.
Why I have constantly failed at the above for years now:
I am a procrastinator, I am lazy, I am fatalistic & I am impatient: I can plot, plan & inspo all day and then get completely disheartened by my lack of progress within a matter of days (or even hours) and sabotage it all in spectacular style. The truth is that for me, making my 'plan' is a far more preferable activity because it requires little effort, it actually gives procrastination a purpose (e.g. I'm just going to surf pinterest all day for clean eating inspo for my plan - rather than getting my work done/working out/doing anything around the house) and it gives my brain something to do. I fail constantly at following any plan I make because that would requires suffering through gnawing discomfort of temptations, not giving in to my endless excuses and finding something else to do with my mind.
I have always been like this, I remember when I would have school holidays as a kid and I would dedicate days to planning how to make myself better (and then do nothing about it).
Really what I am up against right now - with it being so important that I lose weight and get healthy - is a whole lifetime of practiced behavior. It may be easy to say that this year I need to eat healthy and exercise more but unless I can find a way to change the entire way my mind works I'm just going to continue doing what I have always done.
It isn't about forming simple 'eat healthy & exercise daily' habits at all. It's needing to re-learn how to function both physically & mentally. It's not 'I will get up and exercise every morning' at all, it's ' I will stop talking myself out of getting up and exercising every morning because it is easier to stay in bed'. It's not; 'I will make myself healthy lunches everyday', it's; 'I will not talk myself out of easting said healthy lunch in favor of buying McDonald's because I wont get that 'this is bad for my body spike' out of eating a salad'. It's not even; 'I will not go buy a packed of chocolates to eat this afternoon because I am slightly bored & disheartened by the work I have to do and chewing them will help dull the feelings of being trapped here & unhappy with my life', it's actually; 'I am not trapped here, I can do this task, it doesn't need to be perfect, I don't need to be perfect'.
