Floating Mind

"Ride the Waves"

[floatingmind-blog]

Longing.

I found a happiness. A happiness a never wished for nor have I ever wanted in my life. It is a happiness that makes other people happy, truly happy. But, it is not the happiness I want in my life. I don want it. I don not care because, I have my own happiness.

I have a lot of things I am happy to have. I am happy with juts that. It is all I need in my life and I can go own. My goals in life revolves around it. This is my life, this happiness is my life. I am alive. I am happy to be alive. Until it came, a happiness, a happiness I never knew would come into my life, it is so vast, so full, undeniably amazing kind of happiness that no words can describe it. I can't believe it.

I never wanted it, yet I welcomed and invited it in my life. I let it in. It became my life too. Now my life revolves around it. I am happy, more than happy maybe. I do not understand this feeling. This is happiness right?

I am happy, right? I am sorrowful. I am sad. Yet I have this happiness. But I feel empty. My heart is gone...

Now I am here, going through all the things that made me happy before. I mingled with the happiness that I wished in my life, that I wanted in my life, that used to complete my whole life. I feel hallow. I want to puke. What happened to me. I do not know. But the fact remains, I still have the most beautiful happiness, that happiness.

Hope. I came to hate it. I am hoping for happiness from that happiness because in the long and arduous journey of revisiting my other happiness, I felt horrible. I am hoping that this happiness...

[floatingmind-blog]

Happiness

Happiness. Do you still remember the things that used to make you happy and how hollow it feels to feel empty while trying to remember that feeling. It is a feeling, a happiness you thought would make you happy forever, as it had always made you happy.

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I really hate it when out of nowhere I am suddenly reminded by a moment or event in life that I really want to forget. It's already in the past but the embarasment that hunts you lives in the present.

[floatingmind-blog]

Ever wonder why the most obsessive people are also the ones who hate forcing themselves to others?

[floatingmind-blog]

A Prideful Greed: Freedom and Responsibility

Give Me More!

Being an adult is being capable of making good decisions in life. Absolutely. But, honestly, even kids, toddlers, and infants make a good decision by chance, by luck or through careful analysis and observation of the situation. Anyone can make a good decision, not just adults and feeling adults and trying hard to be adults.

Being an adult is being responsible for every decision he/she chooses. As an adult, people in society keep an eye on how well you can make a decision. More importantly, you must know to take responsibility.

Responsibility is a hassle in life. That’s why I hate it. But what I hate the most is my love and longing for freedom.

As we grew to be more mature in the eye of guardians, we are given equivalent freedom. The more you get a chance to stand on your own, your responsibilities grew as well.

Making decisions for our life is not easy. It can either make or break your life. You’re an adult so it’s time to take the blame. But taking the blame does not mean you're being responsible to what you did. It’s just accepting the truth that underlies your situation.

Taking responsibility is creating actions to fix whatever you have messed up. That’s how I live my life. Patching every hole I made. What do I patch it up? My pride. It keeps me going.

I love freedom and I’ve been longing for it. But I hate responsibilities. I’m keeping my own self out of happiness. My greed is too much and my pride is so high.

Making a decision whether it’s A or B, left or right, green or black, is easy. You can make decisions in a split second. What not easy is what comes after that. A mighty prediction of what will happen. Should you be optimistic or pessimistic? Easy to decide, hard to commit.

Thinking of what might happen is not the decision itself. But rather an important step before we make a decision. Which most of the time is being taken for granted. It’s deciding without thinking and relying on luck. If ever lucks runs out, time to find a scapegoat. I don’t wanna live like this.

My beliefs and ideas make my life so hard. Why do I need to believe so strict ideas? Why do I need to be so self-disciplined? Why do I have my own set rules? Why do I need such ideas on how I should live my life? Because I’m an adult. Because I want to be an adult. Because I’m trying so hard to be an adult. Because I want others to recognize that I’m an adult. Because I’m so greedy of a lot of things and this is my way of atonement.

It’s not a good combination, greed, and pride. Seriously, I’m just too prideful but greedy at the same time. That’s just what I’m trying to say. Introducing my lovely sins.

[floatingmind-blog]

Define Perfection

What does it take to be human? Well, uhhmm… I don’t know. I’ve only thought of being a monster and I don’t see much difference between the two. Scary question.

You probably encountered a class where the teacher asked, “what separates us from the animals?” And there is a brainy student who will answer, “we humans have the ability to think, we have a concept of right and wrong, we have a conscience” and it continues.

Perhaps that is correct, but honestly, animals can think too, just so you know. Just saw you know, they have feelings too. Just so you know they have their own concept of right and wrong. Just observe them.

So unfair for the animals to be compared to us. Worst is that we know we are different from animals. We know that. No need to compare ourselves to them because, in the end, the point of that question is “We’re humans. we are different from them. We are better. We are superior. They are JUST animals.”

To answer that question we continue to list down things that make us good, that make us better, that make us the best creation. A creature honed to perfection.

Perfection. Do we even know what it really means? We’ve used this word so many times before. But are we correct the way we used it?

I believe that we don’t even know what perfect really is. A perfect person, a perfect art a perfect life… Because such things don’t even exist. What we truly mean when we say perfect is, it’s nearly perfect. Just near to perfection. But still. it’s not perfect. We’ve never seen nor touch someone or something PERFECT.

It does not exist and we are trying to make it exist. We can be creators, but we are not perfect so how can we create something like that. Come on humans, you’re all being greedy again. No kidding. But that’s alright, as long as we don’t destroy something or someone.

[floatingmind-blog]

Keep Searching

Have you heard someone said, “sometimes in life, you have to keep searching until you find something?” When I first heard someone said it I realized that I might never be satisfied.

Whether I fail or succeed in the hunt to find something, I will definitely keep searching for a new hunt or continue an unfinished hunt. After all, life for me is probably about searching.

Searching forever may be tiresome but not having any goal in life and feeling satisfied for what I have already achieved is boring. I don’t want to just sit at a corner and reminisce the days that I worked hard for.

I want to remember my hardships whenever I’m losing my will to fight for something I want to. Because I know that somewhere along the road I will get tired.

Reminiscing the past is also a fight for me. It’s another form of searching. Searching for a justification on how great I was. Realizing that I suck so much today. And finally, coming to the conclusion that I can be great again.

It’s a fight against myself. But internal conflicts are very important. I can fight myself without going crazy or falling ill because of it. It just means I truly know myself. It’s another ingredient to success and it's not a secret.

It’s not impossible to search forever until I lost my breath. I may be able to find something today but what if I lost it? I should find it right? I will. Of course. But there are plenty of things to search for.

Sometimes we search for a lot of things all at the same time. We’re idiots right? But at least that will keep me human. I’m greedy.

[floatingmind-blog]

Give Up

They always say that “giving up” is the easiest way out. But that’s totally ridiculous.

Since when did it become easy to give up something or someone really important to you? To give up a dream you’ve been chasing? To give up something you like, want or love? It’s the hardest way out. It’s always not easy.

But, don’t feel bad if you ever gave up. Because you’re brave. Giving up means breaking your own heart, and sometimes it can also break others around you.

So, should you keep going? There is no right answer for now. We may never know if we did the right decision, not until our journey is finished. So keep going.

Just don’t forget, to give up is always an option. To keep going may be your decision. Or your decision is to give up and to keep going will always be an option.