the insomniac's waking dream suite

she/her | poet in training | I'm also floordive on SoundCloud | feel free to reblog anything you like

[floordive]

What It's All About

If I had to sum up this scrawny body of poetry, I would describe it as "poems chronicling the experience of living with depersonalization/derealization disorder". I write about all kinds of stuff, but DDD is an affliction that acts as a distortion field around every moment of your life, so it's impossible to separate from most areas of life.

I have lived with this disorder for about ten years now. Some of the most illustrative moments — and/or accumulated pain — of that experience can be found in many of my poems. It's a very painful affliction that most people are unfamiliar with, despite studies showing that up to 2.8 percent of people in certain countries have experienced depersonalization disorder (DPD), one of the two disorders that make up DDD. (Source: Psychology Today.)

There is no established treatment for DP or DDD apart from talk therapy, aka psychotherapy; all medical treatment is done on an experimental basis. (Some people recover, others never do.) The reason for this is a lack of research on the disorder and any possible treatments. My hope is that an increase in public awareness will lead to a greater investment in research.

More reading: Info about depersonalization and derealization from Mayo Clinic. You can find a lot of information by doing a web search for "depersonalization derealization", "living with depersonalization" or something similar. You can also send me asks. You can find all my DDD-related poetry under my depersonalization tag.

P.S. I don't proclaim to be a writer of consistent quality, so I recommend you check out my greatest hits tag to see all of my poems that at least three different people have liked or reblogged. It might not seem like they would necessarily qualify as "hits", but most things in this world are relative.

P.S. 2: I'm constantly working on my writing skills, and I've found that the most valuable insights usually come from hearing other people's thoughts on what I write. So if you have any feedback, I'd be more than happy to hear it!

[floordive]

Oh Rascal Children of Gaza

by Khaled Juma

Oh rascal children of Gaza,

You who constantly disturbed me with your screams under my window,

You who filled every morning with rush and chaos,

You who broke my vase and stole the lonely flower on my balcony,

Come back –

And scream as you want,

And break all the vases,

Steal all the flowers,

Come back,

Just come back…

[peitalo]

sense(less) of self

[floordive]

New World Poetry

Gone humming the latest phrase on repeat Dodging passersby Smiling without a smile back I am no one On this crowded sidewalk lined with misanthropy My body arduously heaved up with every beat

Free as an avalanche Bound as a rolled-up parchment Temporarily forgetting my inner trenches All those ticking time-bombs and cringe-fests Everything is floating by Even the ugliness is liquefied

In two months’ time I’ll leave for the other world I’ve been imagining myself as a new-age nomad, fatefully getting lost in unforeseeable adventures Happy to wander far and wide without any blessings

I’ve never been that person I suspect I never will I’m a square peg getting crammed in a round hole But I’ll stretch and adapt as far as I possibly can And who knows Maybe I will unlock something undreamt of by doing things I never dared to even write about

[floordive]

Little One

I look at you and it’s clear A wordless philosophy, speaking for itself You love it all Living, breathing, jumping, leaning close Immediacy — a force that evades me It’s in your eyes, your nerves Surging like electricity

You take it all in Not like a beggar counting coins but like a fish counting water To you, life never ends You don’t have fun because you feel like you should before it’s too late You don’t run to shake the sadness off

You may not love me like I love you But you love life, and I am part of that To be a part of your happiness It’s reason enough to stay

[gentil-minou]

I am still alive, Gaza is no longer Gaza

Read this. Read it slowly.

Read it again.

And then again.

Don't you ever forget it.

Link without paywall

[floordive]

Rush Season

Heading towards madness A busy street, crisscrossed by bothered glances Briefly forgetting I’m unhappy Then I see my reflection in the storefront window Frightened eyes and hurried steps As if I’m being hunted

When modernity fails us people try to bring fairytales into the realm of the living But they never represent those who lurk in the margins Neither modest maidens nor noble heroes They would rather call us witches, dwarves and goblins than admit we are human

Off road to stillness Past the golfers’ paradise All the way to the bronze age Rock formations jutting out of a trampled earth Burial mounds and ancient pastures Real people Real times They tell me I need to chill but I don’t listen, I scream into the salty wind I scream until I feel like an empty word longing to be a promise

[floordive]

Refuge/Tillflykt

[The original poem in Swedish at the end]

Hide behind your eyelids The sun becomes a warm-colored screen Shapes appear in the sand In the sky, between the swings The same ones everywhere ~ Jump from the big rock for a hundredth time If you keep at it for long enough, you will lift off the ground one day The grownups believe in you With every jump you reach a little bit higher ~ The boy who crushes frogs is sitting under the jungle gym You slip on the rope, a few tiny pebbles fall from your shoe Time stops when the Frog Crusher lifts his gaze, tells you: if you don’t give me two poké balls I will kill you You know you don’t stand a chance ~ Last night you dreamt that the dark-haired girl pushed you off a tall building You’re too afraid to look her in the eyes ~ The house is falling apart Rainwater drips into pots and buckets The cats were run over, but with a twin and the fantasy worlds you share and your mom working from home, you never have to feel lonely Safety is time standing still The countryside is your only home and the city is the wondrous backdrop in a play Soon it will be the other way around ~ The woman at the hospital brings you orange juice in two plastic cups The grownups are gathered around the bed, they’re murmuring and bending down To think that you can get juice from a stranger, just like that

Gramps isn’t fun anymore Safety is a world without consequences They haven’t caught up with you yet, but just you wait Your hair catches fire when you’re placing the rose on the casket Dad puts it out before you notice ~ You die again and again In your dream you get shot in the chest One time a bullet hits you right in the forehead Another time a saber lodges deep in your back In yet another dream, a strong force pulls you towards the door and you know you will be sucked into the sky You manage to make your way back through the living room and all the way to your mom's home office, but she’s working and doesn’t notice what’s happening to you The next morning you tell her about it Mom, it doesn’t mean anything! But she is still upset ~ You don’t know when it happened, but before you know it, there you are Suddenly a mystery to yourself Time was set into motion, and it can’t go fast enough You want so many things, you want bones to grow and seams to burst If you only knew where you were heading ~ Dad is playing guitar downstairs It’s The Song, the first and the closest It brings you back to that forgotten village You hear your heart sing with every note In your bed, unmoving, staring into darkness Struck by the gravity of what’s been lost Wishing the tears would come ~ Many years later, you can no longer remember what it felt like Two tiny legs in the air, a great honor to be so seen Your parents would recite a nursery rhyme When they got to runninghomerunninghomerunninghome they would make you run until you squealed with laughter Spring in your step on the first day of school Walking on air, side by side On hairy grown-up legs, reeling through the concrete jungle Taking swigs of the heavy mist that has descended on the city and turned it into a minefield The dark chant of a foghorn calls home the wandering troops You get on the bus in a feral state As expected, the feeling refuses to let go ~ In your dream you’re running on an invisible freeway High up in the sky, but not the least bit scared In another dream, you can breathe underwater On land you’re able to fly You just jump and flap your arms, just like all those years ago Wake up, wake up and remember your time and your place ~ Now you’re standing on the graduation float singing along to upbeat songs A girl who’s afraid of almost everything Who sees life goals as delusions and the future as a dark abyss You were top of your class They said it was going to rain, but it’s unbearably hot

So hide behind your eyelids, you deserve it Into the sun and the safety, behind the glowing screen But just for a minute or two Sooner or later, you’ll have to come out

Watch the shapes dance across the buildings Across smiling faces, ever moving away Feel the eternal bass thump in your chest and the oxygen take root in your lungs It’s incredible how far you’ve come

[Original poem]

Göm dig bakom dina ögonlock Solen blir en varmröd hinna Fläckar dyker upp i sanden I himlen, mellan gungorna Samma överallt ~ Hoppa från stenen en hundrade gång Tids nog kommer du att lyfta De vuxna tror på dig Du kommer en millimeter högre varje gång ~ Pojken som krossar grodor sitter under klätterställningen Du slinter, några gruskorn faller från din sko Världen stannar upp när Grodkrossaren höjer blicken, säger: om du inte ger mig två pokémonbollar så dödar jag dig Du har inte en chans ~ I natt drömde du att den mörkhåriga flickan knuffade dig från ett högt tak Du vågar knappt se henne i ögonen ~ Huset har börjat falla sönder Regnet droppar ner i krukor och kastruller Katterna har blivit överkörda, men med en tvilling och fantasivärldarna ni delar och mamma som jobbar hemifrån är du aldrig ensam Trygghet är tid som står still Landet är ditt enda hem och staden är ett under, en kulissvärld Det kommer att bli precis tvärtom ~ Ni får apelsinjuice av kvinnan på sjukhuset De vuxna är samlade kring sängen, de mumlar och böjer sig ner Tänk att man kan få juice av en främling, bara sådär

Morfar är inte rolig längre Trygghet är en värld utan konsekvenser De har inte hunnit ikapp dig än, men vänta bara Ditt hår fattar eld när du ska lägga rosen på kistan Pappa släcker den innan du märker något ~ Du dör gång efter gång Du drömmer att du blir skjuten i bröstet En gång träffad mitt i pannan En annan gång huggen med en sabel i ryggen Du drömmer att en väldig kraft drar dig mot ytterdörren, och du vet att du kommer att sugas upp i himlen Du lyckas ta dig längre in i huset, till mammas kontor, men hon jobbar och märker inte vad som händer med dig Nästa dag berättar du för henne om drömmen Mamma, det betyder ingenting! Men hon blir ledsen ändå ~ Du vet inte när det hände, men plötsligt är du där Som en främling inför dig själv Tiden sattes i rullning, och den kan inte gå fort nog Du vill så jävla mycket, vill knaka i fogarna och brista i sömmarna Om du bara visste vart du är på väg ~ Pappa spelar gitarr på nedervåningen Det är Sången, den första och den närmsta Den tar dig tillbaka till den bortglömda byn Hör ditt hjärta sjunga vid varje ton Stilla i din säng, stirra upp i mörkret Känn tyngden av det som gått förlorat Önska att tårarna kom ~ Många år senare, och du kan inte längre minnas hur det kändes Två små ben rakt upp i vädret, en stor ära i din värld, att bli så sedd Lacka lacka efter vatten, ös i, ös i, springahemspringahemspringahem De fick dig att springa tills du tjöt av skratt Pirriga ben på väg till skolan, ni går som på moln På håriga fullvuxenben raglar du fram genom betongdjungeln Super in den tunga dimman som har lagt sig över staden och förvandlat den till ett minfält Mistluren kallar hem de vilsna trupperna Du stiger på bussen i ett förvildat tillstånd Som så ofta vägrar känslan att släppa taget ~ Du drömmer att du springer på en osynlig luftmotorväg Högt upp i himlen, men du är inte det minsta rädd En annan gång andas du på havets botten Du kan flyga också, du behöver bara hoppa och flaxa med armarna precis som du gjorde som barn Vakna, vakna och minns din tid och din plats ~ Nu står du på studentflaket och sjunger Du som är överdrivet rädd för nästan allt Som ser drömmar som en gäckande hägring och framtiden som ett slukande hål Du fick bäst betyg i klassen Många sa att det skulle regna, men det är olidligt varmt

Så göm dig bakom dina ögonlock, det förtjänar du In i solen och tryggheten, bakom den glödande hinnan Men bara en liten stund Förr eller senare måste du komma ut

Följ fläckarnas dans över stadshusfasaderna Över leende ansikten, ständigt på väg bort Känn den eviga basen dunka i bröstet och syret slå rot i lungorna Det är ett under att du har kommit så långt

[floordive]

Two

Go ahead go There is nothing left for you here The fiction of our shared youth is long past saving We only showed the parts of us that were audited and greenlit We pinned them to a board, a beautiful meadow speckled with butterflies — not seeing it was really a graveyard

What I saw was a mirage of a future together I remember picturing us both: wrinkly old ladies reminiscing together at an old folks’ home I couldn’t imagine a life without you But as you wrote in your letter you were not who I thought you were By the time I finally understood what it means to truly know someone, you were long gone

I will never know you now, but I will love you anyhow

Those whispers in the night As magical as they felt at the time That deep connection Was it just flimsy make-believe? We were beautiful, we were blind to it We said I love you I think we meant it

So what do I do with that nagging thought, saying If you really loved me as much as I loved you, it wouldn’t have ended like this I know that some of it was real I just don’t know the extent of it How much was just lies and pretense and how large was that mass of unspeakable and unspoken

You were my favorite shape, my favorite laugh, my favorite warmth My tiredness melted away when I saw you I wanted to hug you every time The times I glanced at your lips and found them annoyingly kissable I never speak of them, nor the times I couldn’t stop noticing your curves and your beauty or when I happened to see you topless or braless and my body didn’t care about propriety

I was ashamed I still am You told me in the end what you had been hiding I did not

[floordive]

Oasis at the End of the World

My homeworld is dead Desolate and charred I spend my days searching for signs of life or something to help me remember where I'm supposed to go

One day, I find a small sapling I pray it will rain soon Some days later I find a tree that isn’t dead I start remembering things The birch tree in the yard where I lived A cat lying in a sunny garden

I don’t know for how many years I've been away I must have been a child back then My hands look older than I feel they should

I don’t know what feeling grips me when I see lights in the windows of my old home The curtains are the same

Three knocks Six seconds Two eyes You ask me why I knocked Then you smile and ask me how my day was I don't know what to say You give me a tight hug I don't let go, I'm scared because I know I haven't really come home

[floordive]

Explanation

They make it sound so clinical They want me to flat it out, fold it into a neat little manual So that time becomes measurable Marked by clusters of pills in the palm of my hand

I look around Eyes sleepwalking under the lamplight This manual expects me to realize something Maybe that I’m not a lost cause, merely a work in progress But perhaps, though I would not tell you this I’m just a returned letter without a sender If you realized that I’m no one Who would you love?

This condition will always evade your understanding I’m brimming with Unspoken, Unspeakable, a silent shout I’m bursting with it I’m counting on your laughter to drown it out

I use similes to illustrate it You know how reality is suspended when something terrifying happens Your hands and legs are not yours anymore Have you seen Get Out? It’s like the sunken place Being a mind inside a body suddenly feels bizarre Now, try to imagine being stuck like that for ten years and counting

I haven’t always been like this but it feels like forever I have to remind myself that maybe, just maybe there is a golden key under some unturned stone I just have to keep looking  

Now I hear an old acquaintance asking me how I’ve been The truth is, I don’t even know where I’ve been or if I’ve really been anywhere So I say, I’m good, and you?

[floordive]

Black Is Our Hearth (and Cold Is Our Home)

Who are these strangers claiming to be my family They sit in the same old spots around our tiny kitchen table but they are wearing stale and unfamiliar faces

The whispers within these walls tell me I’m the stranger An agent of destruction, sowing discord and breaking some unspoken truce They've witnessed me taking my thoughts and opinions and throwing them with blunt force and without permission These words of mine they cursed us all They tore and they burned through the fabric of this family I have seen what lies beneath and I will never unsee it

I know that you will stay behind and scramble to rebuild this house we used to call Home I know you need me but I refuse to help you repeat the same mistakes What we need is something stronger than we ever built before Something with a solid foundation But I don’t think any of us know what that looks like

We shouldn’t be strangers, I wish we were not But I have to leave before I wither away You have to understand this is not a punishment nor a game Maybe it’s the decree of some karmic power, forcing you to lie in the beds you put all these years into making Only time will tell if love is enough to reunite us someday

Estrangement is like black mold — if you just sit idly by it will grow uncontrollably I’m slowly forgetting the ones who made me The slow-killing poison they poured into my veins is washed out into new blood, day by day Between bouts of grief, I begin to see I am better off without them

I’m leaving behind my childhood and the mess we made I’m tearing off the fabric that never stopped fraying I’m holding myself closer instead

[floordive]

Elsewhere

Night is dawning The last ship of summer is soon to leave the harbor If I don’t go back to bed I could catch an early train, one of those slow ones that inch their way from coast to coast stopping at every oddly named backwater whose pulse is faint and hard to find I barely ever go looking for those hidden veins, where life can be just as vibrant as anywhere else I have the time, but not the patience

One time was different I missed my stop and just kept going I don’t remember where I finally stepped off It seemed like the middle of nowhere I remember wanting to disappear, didn’t even bother calling in sick, let myself get lost And I remember trudging across a meadow that the rain had turned into a swamp, shoes slowly filling up with water, the sloshing sound almost comical I was so out of it when I crossed the road that I didn’t see the truck coming, the sudden loud honk made me jump to the wayside Almost dying was weirdly anticlimactic It might have been a wakeup call but I just hit the snooze button I came across a house, and the woman who lived there called out to me I waited on her porch while she got me a glass of water I said I was fine She wasn’t convinced, offered me a ride I promised I would go back home My near-death experience didn’t break the spell, but the kindness of a stranger did

I’m staying up a bit longer getting real with myself The futureless parts of me sigh We’re done This is going nowhere and you know it You sheltered us but you don’t own us You are nothing but an experience, and a shitty one at that You read the Google reviews, but it was nothing like they said You tried to dip your toes in first but that just made it harder You asked around for directions, but they all just told you Go to the place where the wild ones are where the sands are white and the grass is greener than it should be They didn’t tell you where you might find a kindred spirit and if you’re being honest, you just felt like going home I don’t know what to say to all of that but I tell myself that it’s time to let go, that it’s mutual There will always be parts of me who die before they are born Not yet fully formed, eyes shut tight, wary of the bright outside There will always be parts of me who live on

Sun is cresting Birds fleeing south Seeking refuge is a primal thing I’m dreaming of warmer shores, and the stillness of some humble nook of the world not yet marred by Instagram filters I’m dreaming of the rawness of existence Although I may not wish for all that comes with it, I wish for the beauty of it Oh, how I wish for the beauty of it  

[floordive]

Old Friend

Trying to nest in the place you left behind A neglected courtyard A park in late summer A quiet kitchen We made those places what they were, didn't we? Our own language, our own pace Sorting our reality into boxes we could understand Shrouding it all in youthful laugher and nihilism You played your cards close A means to a bitter end You told me those moments were all play pretend I get it, I think I finally do Sometimes you just roll with it and you hope that one day you’ll wake up and it will be true

[floordive]

A Loose Collection of Quotes From the Other World

Howdy I am not okay I have been trampled by a friend of mine

Journalists are not even sure where I am from

President Bush has been in the future

Non, c'est pas une blague [No, it’s not a joke]

Screw the government of the United States of America

Frogs and their children will make you feel better  

President Clinton said that the big nose sitting on the ground is not a good thing

Death is a pretty generic break

It's not a bad idea to be a cat

Marry a good friend of mine She is a very old man And she is a great friend of the world Take care and I hope you have a great day

If you have any questions about this please feel free to contact our local office

[floordive]

Draw a Blank

Finishing touches on a block of concrete Cracks forming as soon as I turn my back to it If you ask me how I do it I will fidget — no sweat Just a blank stare I feel like I’m an empty factory producing food for ghosts Is that really doing something?

Tell me something nice Something like a heavenly touch to a still, cold hand I might feel it I might not

Impermeable sorrow I’m turning inside out at the mere thought of living Dying is easier

[floordive]

The Impossible Girl

I watch the people on TV and on the bus and on the street They flow right by, they flow right on Jargon popping like fireworks Body language: a well-oiled machine Never spent a week forgetting they exist Never wondering if this world is for them

As for me, I am impossible Whenever I try to go with the flow I always get stuck in the mud Thought exchanges get tricky when one mind is broken, and one is whole but oblivious Opinions are one thing, I have plenty of those I would definitely pass the Turing test Experiences are a whole other beast If I were to describe them truthfully everyone would go silent, unsure of what to say What’s she playing at? What’s her deal? She seems fairly normal so why is she saying these crazy things? It must be some kind of personality disorder or a cry for attention Honestly, I’d rather be fake as hell Playing the role of the palatable eccentric But my face always betrays me I can’t be pleasant for the life of me I’m pretty sure people just think I’m socially awkward though If only they knew the truth

Being real, it’s just not an option At least not in the company of people who by and large fit the mold So I whitewash and I sugarcoat I biomythologize until the narrative seems to hold water and is fairly well-received I speak just as much as I need to in order to not appear antisocial I will do this until one day, hopefully, I return to sanity Then this chapter will be burnt to ashes All but some vestiges, hidden in obscure poetry and repressed memories Or maybe I will use these experiences to help others like me I hope I will be strong enough to do that instead of burying all that hurts

Give me the power to turn all that pain into art Give me the tranquility I need to sleep at night Give me the strength to help others even when I cannot help myself Give me the vision of a day to come One that is vibrant, joyous and wide A day that that I can picture at the end of this tunnel