God I can't fucking believe I never told this story on tumblr.
This happened sophomore year (2019). Fall semester. Finals week. Scene of the crime: @kagansune's dormpartment. We were studying for our Chem 2 final, and studying hard. I think it had been about four hours of grilling each other on valence states before Ro finally announced: "We should take a break. You want a snack or something?"
"Sure," I said. "I could eat. What'd you have in mind?"
"We could make ice cream floats," they suggested, perhaps with deceptive intent, perhaps just feeling experimental.
"Hell yes, I'd love a sugar rush right about now. What are we using?"
Wordlessly, I watched them walk to the fridge and produce a carton of mint chocolate chip ice cream. Unconventional, I thought, but I could get behind that. Probably goes well with root beer. Do they even have root beer?
They did not have root beer.
It's been long enough that I don't recall how exactly my dear friend came into possession of this half-used two-liter bottle of kvass. That part of the story they would have to contribute themself. What matters for this tale is that they had it. It was also the only available soda option for the sacred alchemy of ice cream floats. From the moment I saw them pull it out of the fridge I knew for damn certain there was mad science afoot.
Kvass, for the readers who don't know, is another fine Russian invention. From the people that invented vodka, we now bring you a non-alcoholic carbonated beverage produced by fermenting barley. I'm told it's actually quite good if properly brewed, but this was definitely not properly brewed. It was cheap generic-brand barley soda, and moreover it was flatter than the state of Kansas by the time any of our little chaos coven got the chance to try it (a group bonding event from the week before). It was horrible; like drinking soy sauce that had lost control of its life and desperately needed counseling.
The jumble of emotions I experienced whilst watching the abomination take shape before me cannot easily be described, but all of them were negative. I recall shock, confusion... betrayal, even. I think the only word that escaped my lips was a simple, pleading "why?"
Rossaro did not have a response.
Instead the both of us just stared at this new, terrible thing that had been brought into the world. Picture it: a single mug of kvass as black as pitch, with the saddest scoop of generic-brand mint chocolate chip ice cream floating balefully in the middle like the iceberg that sank the fucking Titanic.
Ro had wrought an evil alchemy, and the product was a Potion of Despair.
I watched Ro's face pass through all of the stages of grief in the span of about half a second before settling on bewilderment. "WHY IS THE MEDIAN ORANGE JUICE?!"
"What the FUCK does that mean. Give me that."
And then I, too, imbibed the Potion.
It was the weirdest series of sensations I've ever had the misfortune to introduce to my tongue. The immediate taste was the kvass —that is to say, Bad. Very much like soy sauce and hate. The aftertaste was the mint ice cream, but it was as if the kvass had leached all the joy out of it leaving only vaguely minty drywall in its place. But for the briefest instant where those two flavors overlapped...
Orange juice. Rancid orange juice. Like, orange juice after you've just brushed your teeth levels of rancid. It was so fleeting and yet so powerful; the only reason I swallowed rather than spitting it out in disgust was the fact that it took me a good half second too long to even process what had just happened in my mouth.
"Oh my god you were right."
"So what now?" I ventured.
"Back to studying, I guess," said Ro, casually TAKING ANOTHER SIP.
"I guess," I echoed, and then: "Wait, are you actually going to keep consuming that?"
They stared me dead in the eyes for the third sip.
They drank the whole thing.
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