i don't do bad sauce passes
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taylor price
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Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
Cosimo Galluzzi
oozey mess
trying on a metaphor
JVL
Sweet Seals For You, Always
🪼
NASA
h
Misplaced Lens Cap
RMH
cherry valley forever
Product Placement
Stranger Things
Not today Justin
TVSTRANGERTHINGS
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@athena1919
There's always something so painful about watching a pretty good actor fighting for their life to give a decent performance of an absolutely dogshit script. Putting their whole heart soul and pussy into delivering the stupidest lines you've heard in your life. My god. We have to get them out of there
it takes 10 layers of the water filter to completely drown a tumblr screenshot if anyone was wondering
i love writing out numbers and then putting them in parentheses like "one (1)" even when i dont need to i think its funny
cackling about the idea of the ottawa team doing challenges for social media because shane's first question would be, "how many did rozanov get?" and ilya's first question would be, "how many did my husband get?" because they want to beat anyone, but they ESPECIALLY want to beat each other
which means that over time, new challenges for each of them get prefaced with, "and your husband has not gone yet" or "your husband got X" because it is a GIVEN that they're going to want to know how the other did so they can try to beat him
and it's really just another point of evidence that at NO POINT did either of them ever consider letting the other person win ANYTHING
you think the motherfuckers locking the FUCK in to catch the most ping pong balls blindfolded are going to let the other win a deciding match for the cup?? be SO fucking for real
everyone’s trying to stump the akinator so i’m gonna try and see if he’ll know that i’m thinking of the little symbol on the front of his turban
come on it hasn’t even been 10 fucking seconds
GOD DAMN IT
i fucking hate this stupid piece of shit genie fuck him i hate him so fucking much
🙂↕️🙂↕️🙂↕️🙂↕️
I really love Jacob Anderson
quirky fourth wall breaking character but theyre just fucking. wrong about the medium theyre in. they keep making references to cinematic techniques and directorial styles and the other fourth wall breaking character is like "dumbass we're in a fucking comic book" and they are in a video game.
Well currently they’re in a tumblr post but I see your point
we're actually in a youtube video if this turns out to be funny enough
cackling about the idea of shane and ilya getting separated on the bench from time to time and the public thinks "oooh, trouble in paradise? the rivalry rearing its head again?? hollander getting fed up with rozanov??"
and the truth is that the team was playing against someone ilya and/or shane ESPECIALLY hates, which means shane was dropping the most vicious, lethal reads known to man and making ilya crack tf up to the point that they were attracting attention and the coach was just afraid of someone reading lips and getting them all in trouble
and signficantly, the three person buffer between them just keeps shane from SAYING his comments
he and ilya are still leaning forward and backward to look at each other and exchange "mhm" "mhm" looks that still make it clear they're still communicating their thoughts perfectly fine
i think the most upsetting thing about american-flavor puritanism is how fucking patronizing it is. it's 2026 but the whole world still has to deal with a cultural hegemony grown from the gnarled vestiges of victorian-era paternalism. tax-paying adults with passports and the right to vote are treated like wayward children because of the antiquated idea that authorities must protect the weak minds of the unwashed masses from depravity and corruption. the average american can send a fellow citizen to the chair, but they can't piss in a ditch without being declared an outlaw. american entertainment media is saturated with sex, but you can't talk about it online without getting your account suspended. it's such blatant censorship at a universal scale, but because sexual content is framed as inherently dangerous, this restriction on basic adult autonomy, this blanket denial of moral and intellectual adulthood, can be reframed as protection, an expression of care, a moral duty. "won't someone think of the children!" I AM A GROWN MAN! I AM A GROWN MAN! I AM A GROWN MAN! I AM A GROWN MAN! I AM A GROWN MAN! I AM A GROWN MAN! I AM A GROWN MAN! I AM A GROWN MAN! I AM A GROWN MAN! I AM A GROWN MAN! I AM A GROWN MAN! I AM A GROWN MAN! I AM A GROWN MAN! I AM A GROWN MAN! I AM A GROWN MAN! I AM A GROWN MAN! I AM A GROWN MAN! I AM A GROWN MAN! I AM A GROWN MAN! I AM A GROWN MAN!
thank god that the video game that features slow motion animations of graphic gunshot wounds and is rated 18+ has a profanity filter in single player offline mode. thank you for protecting this 33 year old mind from the corrupting influence that is a horse named apple slut
Adult Shane still not always being sure whether he's having an allergic reaction or a panic attack... like breathing bad, limbs tingly, feels like he's dying... but is he actually
i have a very special scenario in my head of shane who is used to feeling like this and finding a quiet place to assess what tf is happening to him rn so he can decide if cold water on his face or hospital.
(not even considering the fact that hiding away while potentially having a life-threatening allergic response is an AWFUL move).
and i am especially endeared by the idea of it going from him going off and doing this by himself to ilya clocking him leaving the room in a way that says Not Okay and following him and the two of them in just a quiet little pocket of space together, with shane having already handed over his auvi-q (the version of an epipen that fits in a suit pocket) just in case.
just very sweet to imagine that this is still scary and frustrating to have to deal with and tbh? still feels a little embarassing even if he knows it shouldn't, but it is also nice that there's someone with him who just Gets It and who will sit quietly with him until he can decide what's happening and help him if he needs it.
OH MAN in vegas, ilya canonically was freaking out ahead of time in anticipation of seeing shane again, so i posit that he was denying that he was freaking the fuck out and was trying to lie to himself and say it was just low blood sugar, so he grabbed something from craft services backstage.
and it's fucking. peanut butter crackers.
and he chews some mint gum in another attempt to settle himself so shane doesn't end up smelling it on him, but him kissing shane in the vegas bathroom then means contact with it, and shane's reaction wasn't from exposure earlier, bUT IT IS NOW.
THIRD OPTION: EXTREMELY UNFORTUNATE TIME TO PURSUE FINGER SUCKING AFTER ILYA WAS PICKING AT THINGS DURING THE WAIT FOR SHANE TO SHOW UP AT THE PENTHOUSE BUT ALSO DRINKING VODKA SO SHANE DOESN'T SMELL IT ON HIS BREATH
STILL NO KISSING DURING THE PENTHOUSE FUCKING, BUT THANKS TO THE POWER OF ALLERGENS ON THE FINGERS SHANE SO HAPPILY TAKES INTO HIS MOUTH, THESE MOTHERFUCKERS NOW GET TO EXPERIENCE DOMDROP, SUBDROP, AND ANAPHYLAXIS ALL AT THE SAME TIME
GOD the panic and angst of shane trying to communicate what's happening and get ilya to grab his epipen out of his inner jacket pocket (assuming he even has it on him by some fucking miracle) and ilya at first thinking this is just a bad panic attack because that's the only guess he would have based on past experience with shane, and he's trying to do the same move of kissing him to calm him down, but shane already can't breathe right and also doesn't know WHAT the contaminant was so doesn't want to risk more contact
but now ilya thinks it was him being too rough or missing a signal that shane wanted to stop and being HORRIFIED at the idea and immediately backing away, but shane reaches for him both because he is experiencing impending doom as an element of the reaction and also REALLY needs ilya to get his epipen for him and him trying to back across the room is NOT HELPFUL FOR THAT GET BACK HERE
god AND!!! ilya can't ghost him after!!! he straight up experienced hollander almost dying in front of him so 1. needs to know what the FUCK that was 2. needs to know the next day when hollander is stable and okay again because otherwise he isn't going to be able to fucking FUNCTION 3. can't help but keep in touch after that more often than he might otherwise because that scared the FUCK out of him, and while yes, it would be easier to just call it right now before anything else happens, he also can't resist the little check-ins now and then during that summer
OH MY GOD I DIDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT THE FACT THAT HE WAS THE ONE WHO FOUND HIS MOM
AND THE FACT THAT THIS IS PROBABLY SO EXTREMELY ON HIS MIND GIVEN HOW CLOSE HE IS TO GOING BACK FOR THE SUMMER AND THE MEMORIES THAT WOULD HAVE ALREADY DREDGED UP
jesus, we really put these two in the Bad Blender and hit PUREE
oh my god WAIT
ilya who remembers when the responders who came to the house took his mother away, and he never saw her again, and it's totally irrational, but he manages to get shane's epipen and help shane use it, and then he helps shane get dressed so he can get to a more neutral area before he calls for an ambulance, and he's SUPPOSED to leave. he's going to leave. it's just going to cause some uncomfortable ass questions if he doesn't leave and has to come up with a story about why he was with hollander and why he's with him now and why he still hasn't let go of him even though he has him back in his room now.
and yet.
again: IRRATIONAL. he KNOWS it's irrational. but there's a part of him that's still thinking, "if i let them take hollander away right now, then i will never see him again." because he's BEEN HERE before. and it doesn't make sense, but trauma and fear NEVER do.
so ilya ends up going with him.
and listen. shane atp?? nauseous, still can't fully breathe right, still not fully present. in his right mind, he'd be sending ilya the FUCK away because embarassing and also doesn't want questions. but in this moment?? can't feel anything but relief when he climbs in the ambulance with him to ride along because he's at least someone familiar in the middle of all of this.
and then at the hospital, they get shane stable and ilya should go. he should totally go. he knows he should go.
and yet he doesn't. he's already here. there's already going to be questions. it's a little bit reckless and a little bit fuck it, but the damage is already done. might as well stick around until he can be sure that shane is actually okay. it's not like he's going to sleep tonight after this because jesus FUCK.
and texts keep coming through on shane's phone, but shane is sleeping, and ilya keeps seeing "Mom" and "Dad" pop up over and over and over because obviously the hospital contacted them. and ilya KNOWS he shouldn't answer. but shane can't do it right now, and there's parents worrying about him, and won't it just stress him out if he wakes up to thirty phonecalls-
and on call number thirteen from Mom, he picks the phone up and answers.
and yeah yuna is confused as FUCK why ILYA FUCKING ROZANOV is answering her son's phone after she got a call that shane had been admitted to a hospital because of an allergic reaction, but she also doesn't have a lot of other fucking options for getting updates on her baby, so fine. talking to this cocky ass kid it is.
except...he doesn't sound cocky? he actually sounds...almost sweet? he's answering questions as best he can and even tries to read some stuff in the notes the doctor left guided by what yuna tells him to look for. and she's on her way to the airport right now to get there and asks ilya to tell shane that she'll be there as fast as she can because he hates being in the hospital by himself, and in a moment of TOTAL fucking impulse ilya says he'll wait.
and he does.
the first time yuna and ilya meet face to face outside of that first elevator scene is when yuna finds him by her son's bed in the hospital keeping him company so he wouldn't have to be alone.
and maybe he's not such an ass after all.
yuna hollander is going to unknowingly begin shifting the hollanov rivalry narrative years early because that ilya rozanov doesn't seem so bad after all, and her shane deserves another friend. so! fuck the league and the media and the fans!! she's going to make it happen!!! she is going to encourage shane to build this friendship, and she is going to ask after how ilya rozanov is doing during her calls with shane, and she is going to get them an ad campaign together to repay ilya!
of course, she doesn't know what she's enabling by doing this. but she does notice that shane seems a lot more happy to do ad campaigns when paired up with a friend, and oh, isn't that nice? maybe she can make this happen more often. and it'll help the boys to become closer friends, too! (yuna, they have literally been as close to each other as physically possible. the emotional closeness, however—that's a still a work in progress, but these additional chances to see each other are helping an awful lot) (and of course, shane's... other friends.... like that young man, pike... well. there just aren't as many sponsorships available with someone like him, someone who is not as high profile as her shane. rozanov is the obvious choice, here. obviously!)
oh MAN selling the narrative of work hard play hard with them as friends. like yeah they're RUTHLESS to each other on the ice and anyone watching them play can see that, and they still pick at each other in interviews and make jokes at the other's expense, but there's also an element of "boys being boys" to it that isn't quiiiiite there in canon. like it's fun to watch them! they're having fun playing against each other. they still tease each other and the audience has watched them slam each other against the boards enough to know they're not holding back even if they ARE friends, but the narrative is shifted juuuuust enough that it's also not strange to see them at a bar together after.
i canNOT remember their names, but i saw a video of two hockey captains who have an ongoing bit of doing rock, paper, scissors with each other after games to see who loses and has to get off the ice first, and i feel like that's the shit shane and ilya would be pulling in this situation. like they are still SO fucking competitive with each other and anyone can see that.
but they're also the kind of competitive that has people taking surreptitious video clips of them chirping the FUCK out of each other while playing pool at a bar after a game together.
(and what happens after they leave that bar, well...that still stays between the two of them)
also the way the tuna meltdown just. straight up could not happen in this verse lmao.
they're already using first names. if The Vegasing wasn't enough, ilya gets invited to go get dinner with shane and yuna after their commercial shoot together (because yuna was already going to invite him, but now that she has a different frame of view for him, it registers for her that he's always done these shoots and events on his own, and the idea of him going back to a hotel room by himself (lmao yuna) while she and her child go get food together is sad), and yuna has already decided ilya is Same Age As My Child Shaped before he's anything else so 0 chance she isn't first naming him now, and if his mom is already doing it...well...shane might as well.
motherfucker i text with your mom and we have a shoot together in two weeks. even if you leave now i will see you literally in 14 days and we will be spending literal hours together. and i will probably be texting your mom in the meantime. you might as well stay, like???
Ilya Rozanov can you hear me through the portal. Do you know about the Stanley Pup Ilya Rozanov. 32 puppies representing every team in the NHL. Ilya are you there.
In-universe the Centaurs representative is definitely named Ilya Rozanarf. Wire-hair Jack Russel with MAJOR attitude.
Shane Pawllander is a chocolate lab puppy who keeps sitting in front of the camera and demonstrating that it knows how to wave.
I kicked like a child when I realized what song this was!
dog i gotta move like yesterday
what if I just made my profile picture a male calico cat or something. hurm
Could I suggest a picture of Dawntreader Texas Calboy? He is a beautiful male calico cat who is a chimera. He's also somewhat controversial among some cat fancy associations since he is a male cat with female colors, and some people are strangely transphobic towards him, despite him being a cat? There was even a rule implemented to keep him from competing in a cat show. If you look up his name, he made a few news articles.
Oh my god?????
Yeah you're right about beautiful I'm squeezing him until he pops!!!!! I love this guy I think I'm going to make an edit real quickly Calboy I love you I'm so sorry people are calling you a freak??????
Book that was good: I liked it 👍
Book that was bad: this sucked 👎
Book that I wanted to like but which failed to live up to my hopes: I am going to write 10,000+ words explaining exactly why this book wronged me
this is how new yorkers @ mamdani
