𝕞𝕚𝕤𝕤 𝕕𝕖𝕝𝕚𝕔𝕒𝕥𝕖.

𝕞𝕚𝕔𝕙𝕖𝕝𝕝𝕖 𝕒𝕙𝕟   /   𝟡𝟞.

[fmdmichelle]

*   ╱   𝖑𝖊𝖊 𝖏𝖎𝖍𝖔𝖔𝖓.

he was only on his 5th year as an idol, but he had about five more as a trainee before that. he has been stuck with gold star for long enough, but not long enough to be considered someone with actual opinions and listened to. so he keeps his mouth shut on may of the days he gets asked questions, especially lately. he is very much aware about the fact that his management knows about him writing songs, but jihoon had no plans on admitting it or even bringing it up. they were all sad, unfinished lyrics in a now ragged notebook that has collided with the walls one too many times.

“being an idol is always brutal, i highly doubt it will get any better.” jihoon says back, a sighs following. if anything, he expects it to get even shittier from now on. maybe if he wasn’t so deep in his own feelings, he wouldn’t be spiraling like he is right now. he is at least thankful about the fact that he is being kept busy, busy was always good. doesn’t allow him to think about things as much.

michelle was always more found of going back home and jihoon will ever be, at least that’s what he has noticed. he doesn’t remember the last time his own family were excited at him mentioning the possibility to drop by for a few days maybe a week or so. he drowns that thought by taking another sip from his bitter iced coffee. “malta is nice, i’d kill to go to some unknown village in italy actually, by the beach, so i can drink spritz and eat pasta.” he sighs, a bit dreamy. europe was so fucking nice and once he had the money to actually travel to places, he didn’t have the time. just his luck. “if you ever plan on going to phuket, hit me up, i will come for that night market people go to, that’s open once a week on a sunday or something.”

at the question about which island he would like to go, jihoon hums quietly, fake thought “bali, maybe south of japan, like really south, maybe the domenican republic, i would love to go to hawaii but i’ve read the locals hate it and so i will respect their opinion on hating tourists and not be part of the problem.” he rambles, because he actually doesn’t think he has had a proper break in years. so he can at least dream out loud about where he could go, right?

When he mentions to hurt that being an ideal is “always brutal,” Michelle frowns; recognizing the state of mind that he’s in. She despises that he’s subjected to such severe feelings of burnout; where everything in life, career or otherwise, is painted over in shades of gray and blue; where nothing feels enjoyable and all you can see ahead of you is a never-ending schedule that’s suffocating, and relentless, and cruel. No one can remain happy when their life only revolves around the work they do, and if the busyness and the constant need to perform isn’t enough to crush someone’s spirit, being a public figure that’s always under scrutiny is the final blow. All she can hope is that Jihoon focuses on planning a vacation or getaway, or that he chooses another healthy coping mechanism to get him through his trying times. Having been one to reach for the bottle in order to feel something, she would hate it if he followed the same path; if it let alcohol and other substances fill the void that’s inside of him.

Her cousin is his own person, though, and even if he did travel down those complex avenues, she hopes he knows that he’ll have her to lean on and look after him. Never in her life would she allow him to sink into rock bottom on his own, no matter how much he might insist she keep her distance. She’s never been that type of person, especially when it comes to her loved ones. Not wanting to give too much weight to her thoughts, she grins as he mentions the places he dreams of traveling to; loving all of his ideas. “Italy sounds so nice, right? I’ve been a few times in my career, but since it was mostly for work, I wasn’t able to sink my feet into its culture and actually enjoy it. The shopping, though? Fantastic!” A smile tugs at the corners of her mouth, and she nods along with his statements. “It would be so cute if we did a cousins-trip to Thailand. If we can find the time, I’ll totally make it happen. You know me—itinerary planning and organization are two of my superpowers.” She playfully rolls her eyes at herself, knowing that those two qualities could become annoying very quickly, too.

“You’re right about native Hawaiians hating tourists, and like you, I wouldn’t ever vacation there either. It’s a tricky, pretty grim, history, despite it being so culturally rich and beautiful there.” It’s a shame how so many places were ruined by events far beyond their control now, and all she can hope is that these locations’ struggles lessen somehow. Wanting to shift gears slightly, Michelle takes a sip of her beverage and hums at its flavor, then motions to change the subject. “Is burnout from work all that’s troubling you, or is there something else going on that’s adding to it?”

[fmdmichelle]

The instant Ash mentioned the two of them taking a weekend getaway somewhere, Michelle didn’t hesitate to take the wheel—prioritizing it even more than some of her other more pressing schedules. Over the last couple of months, she’s ached to feel free; genuinely feeling like a sad little songbird in its cage that’s desperate to spread its wings and fly to a tranquil space; to find a soft place to land far, far away from the chaos of her reality. As it seems, Ash is experiencing something similar, and with their schedules likely to become all the busier as the rest of the year unfolds, she was adamant on tucking them away into a more natural setting—one surrounded by glorious nature in the form of scenic hiking trails, crystal clear bodies of water, and variegated flora. Somewhere that’s far enough away from the city, but still somewhat close in case of any type of emergency occurring. She thinks about these things; wanting to figure out possibilities so they’re prepared for whatever may come.

So, in her planning, she decided on a relaxing trip to Nami Island. It’s intimate—romantic, even—and she chose a time period that, according to the concierge, isn’t as busy; hoping to steer clear of as many tourists as possible. Being that both of them are public figures, she ensured that they booked the most private, secluded accommodations possible; envisioning this like a retreat, in a way. That in mind, it’s a personal choice of her’s to turn off her electronic devices; craving solitude and quality time with the most important person in her life, above all else. Ash can do whatever he wants in regard to that, but it’s important to her that she uses this time to rest.

Speaking of which, it’s their first morning after their arrival, and as the sun streams in through the windows, Michelle is awoken by its rays; her bare face saturated with the light as her lashes flutter open to greet the new day. Having nothing scheduled for them until sometime later, she turns to look at the clock and notices it’s still early. A part of her is tempted to sleep more, but she realizes that she’s already gotten her coveted eight hours and doesn’t want to end up too groggy, so after mulling over the options, she decides to remain awake—limbs stretching carefully before she turns over and gets an eyeful of Ash. When securing their suite, she wondered if sharing the same bed was a good idea, but in the end, she felt it would’ve been stranger if they didn’t; the two of them having always done so in the past after long nights out.

Delicately, she reaches one of her hands forward and combs her fingers through his hair; nails scratching at his scalp before she cups his face affectionately. “Hey,” she lilts, gazing at him; finding him so beautiful, per usual. “Are you still dreaming?"

A CLOSED STARTER WRITTEN, WITH LOVE, FOR KWON, ASHTON— SET AT HOTEL JEONGGWANRU ON NAMI ISLAND IN SOUTH KOREA.

[fmdmichelle]

*   ╱   𝖏𝖚𝖓𝖌 𝖍𝖞𝖔𝖏𝖚𝖓𝖌.

finding time for herself during these busy days had become more and more difficult. hyojung had always find it hard to completely relax, but she usually spent her time at home. there was something warm about being in the covers of her bed and simply watching whatever was recommended to her. however, she also wasn’t the type to say no to an invite. thus, when michelle had asked for her time, she was more than happy to oblige. plus, it’d be nice to go out and do something that wasn’t related to work.

she’s never tried candle making before, but it sounds right up her alley. she loved doing things that didn’t require a lot of physical energy, and it sounds like it’ll be super relaxing. of course, she’s aware she might be awful at it, which might add to the stress, but she’s going to try to not think of that. she’s just here to have fun with a good friend of hers, that’s all. 

“it’s nothing. i needed to get out of bed anyway,” she says with a chuckle. while hyojung had been busy with comeback preparations and the beginning of drama filming, she’d been doing nothing on her off days. it was nice to get a breath of fresh air and actually socialize with people who weren’t her staff members. “i’ve always wanted to try these one-day classes as well!” she claps her hands together before laughing at the compliment. michelle was never shy with her praises, but it still had hyojung feeling embarrassed. “you do as well,” she mentions. 

“i like the smell of cotton and even vanilla, so maybe i’ll go with those? floral sounds nice, but i’ve learned that when it’s too intense, it gives me a headache, and that doesn’t sound like a nice idea to have at home.” she can do floral scents when it’s at outside places, but she tends not to deal too well with it at home. “having your home smell like cookies baking in the oven sounds heavenly.”

Noticing the shyness that radiates from Hyojung after she was complimented, Michelle can’t help but find it endearing; the other’s softness something that she admires. There’s a dreamy quality to her, a delicateness that seems almost ethereal, and reconnecting with her today is reminding her of all the things she loves about her. “I’m glad I could be the one to put a pep in your step, love. I really do appreciate you putting yourself together for me.” An honest smile tugs at the corners of her lips, and she sighs contently at the relaxing vibe that swathes them. Steeping herself in art of any kind has always been her go-to activity when she can’t figure out what to do, and though she may not be the most skilled when it comes to visual expressions of it, crafting a candle with help from professionals seemed easy enough to get involved in. All she can hope is that this excursion isn’t a cause of stress, but rather, an introduction to a brand new hobby; one that she could even include in a routine, of sorts, if she likes it that much. That, or maybe this can be a seasonal thing that she and Hyojung do together? The idea of that alone warms her heart so, so much.

“It’s cute knowing that we’re both looking good, and we’ll likely end up leaving here smelling good, too. If we get hungry, maybe we can grab a snack before I walk you home?” She winks, playfully flirting with her pal. “Only if you’re up for it, of course. I wouldn’t blame you if your social battery is depleted after this.” Michelle understands that all too well; her own getting drained quicker than it used to in the past. Having become sober, she’s learned that alcohol was a great social lubricant for her, but without its presence in her life, she’s become far more introverted; preferring to spend hours upon hours in the comfort of her own home, much like Hyojung. “Also, cotton and vanilla is a gorgeous blend—wow! It also makes so much sense for you, at least in my opinion! I can totally envision being wrapped up in that specific blend upon entering your place; cozy, and clean, and fresh, and a little sweet. Stunning!”

With that in mind, she browses over the oils and other fragrances before her; still mulling over her options despite having something of an idea in mind. “I know what you mean; certain floral scents are a little... much. Back in New York, some of the taxi drivers would have those, like, artificial lavender-scented car fresheners hanging from the rearview mirror and I hated them.” She winces, knowing then and there that the springtime theme she was going for is no longer an option. “I’m feeling the baked goods vibe, though, so I think I’m gonna try to curate that. Vanilla should make sense, right? Brown sugar maybe... and what about cinnamon?” Without realizing, she’s essentially building her preferred latte, but in candle form. Predictable. “What do you think would go well together? Almond could work, too... maybe bergamot?”

[fmdmichelle]

This era of breaking out of her shell and reconnecting with loved ones has completely filled up her personal agenda, and in all honesty, Michelle’s thrilled with the amount of plans she has laid out. She’s busy, but not in a way that feels heavy on her heart and soul. Instead, her free-time is loaded with activities she’s actually looking forward to partaking in, and it reminds her that she can feel emotions other than dread. Over the last promotion cycle Lily had, it was easy to tell that she wasn’t giving nearly as much attention to each performance, like she’s been known to do. She may have been physically present on those stages, sure, but her mind was elsewhere—limbs moving on autopilot to the beat as she fluttered around beneath the stage lights; counting down each and every second until all of the takes were filmed. Some netizens expressed their disappointment in her online, and the perfectionist within her isn’t proud of what occurred, but it is what it is. There’s not much that can be done about it now, so she’s glad to be putting her energy and attention elsewhere.

Today, she arranged a private candle-making class for her and her good pal, Hyojung. It’s been awhile since they saw one another, and the instant she had the idea to handcraft something beautiful, Hyojung was the first person she asked to join her—knowing that it would be up her alley, as well. Michelle fondly remembers the daylong hangout sessions they’ve had in the past, and she hopes that today continues to bring those same vibes; ones that are carefree, loving, and even inspiring due to the art-form they’re surrounding themselves with. So, as they sit in their class for two and have been instructed to start by choosing their favorite scents to infuse their candles with, she scoots in a little closer to her comrade and leans her head on her shoulder; snuggling up close, even if just for a little while—smiling at the affection.

“Thanks for coming with me today!” She exclaims, lifting herself up and erecting her posture again. “When I saw this class offered, I just knew I had to drag you out with me. That, and have I mentioned how stunning you look today? My god!” With that, she laughs, then sets her sights on the bottles laid out before them; mulling over the options. “Do you know what vibe you want for your candle, by-the-way? It’s almost springtime, so I’m thinking floral... but I don’t know. I adore whenever my house smells like baked goods. Like, I want people to walk into my place and have it smell like there’s cookies baking in the oven, or something...”

A CLOSED STARTER WRITTEN, WITH LOVE, FOR JUNG HYOJUNG— SET AT THE YVONNE MORGUN STUDIO IN SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA.

[fmdmichelle]

*   ╱   𝖕𝖆𝖗𝖐 𝖉𝖚𝖗𝖎.

  a happy giggle seemingly leaves duri’s lips, always excited when he gets to hang out with michelle; they’ve always seemingly expressed the same interests, especially more so that in music, and things of that nature. he always enjoyed talking about music with the other, and would always take his chance to be able to do so - essentially, that was just the way it would go. but, in general, he did always enjoy talking to michelle, as she’s a friend for many, many years, with them both being under bc entertainment, it was simply easy to run into one another when roaming the halls, and everything in between. 

today’s adventure involved being in a music store, something that duri doesn’t feel like he gets to do so often. though, today more so involved looking through old vinyl records. he has a record player in his own home, something that he would use every so often, truth be told. though, he was always mainly looking for the records of one in particular, a collection that he wants to build up of one of his favorite artists, after all. he was just hoping for some luck. 

“have you found any whitney houston records?” he asked. it probably wasn’t a shock that he was asking for whitney houston, considering most people knew exactly how duri felt about whitney houston being one of his all-time favorite artists. “there’s still a few that i need and then i own everything that whitney houston has done on vinyl record!” he says, before another giggle seemingly leaves the man’s lips.

Fingertips card through rows upon rows of vinyl records—eyes scanning the titles present, and to her surprise, she already owns quite a few of them. Maybe it’s pretentious of her, but there’s nothing she adores more than listening to music the old-fashioned way. Her uncle used to tell her that there’s a certain magic about a song that was recorded before the digital era, and she fully believes that; falling prey to the vibe that it conveys by merely existing. So, when she and Duri solidified plans to meet up, and shop, and reconnect through their shared first love, she was thrilled, and as she stands near him now, she turns her head to behold his handsome face; beaming a smile over to him as a silent way of saying “thank you” to him for dragging her out of the house. With the final preparations being made for her solo début, she’s been busy settling on the perfect tracklist for it—aiming for sweet seamlessness.

That, and well, there’s a second point to this serendipitous meet-up. There’s one particular track she feels needs another vocalist on it, and when she put thought into who would be the perfect fit, it didn’t take her long to land on Duri. For one thing, they’re company-mates, so it would be easier for their schedules to align for recording, and for another, his voice is one of her all-time favorites among male idols. In her opinion, he’s in a class all on his own, and could genuinely sing anything he wanted to with ease. The care he puts into each performance never fails to stun her, and she knows the two of them sharing the mic would leave listeners speechless.

All of this makes all the more sense when he asks if she’s come across any Whitney Houston records. If he studies the greats, then it’s no wonder he’s crafted such a gorgeous instrument. Shaking her head towards him, Michelle makes a mental note to scour the whole store for what he’s looking for—wanting to assist him in completing his collection. “No, but if I spot one, I’ll grab it for you.” She grins, then continues to browse. “Do you know off the top of your head which ones you need?” If for some reason she owns one of two of them, she would have no issue offering them up to Duri, but she won’t expose that plan yet. “I’m not looking for anything in particular myself, but you know me; always adding to my collection of jazz...”

Twirling around to better face him, she offers yet another smile. “You look great today, by-the-way... but when don’t you?” Michelle comments, reaching out to squeeze his arm. “How are you doing? How’re you and Jake? How’re the dogs? Catch me up while I scan the area for Whitney. I’m adamant about finding her for you.”

[lovestereo]

Visit Original Link

[redvelvetcult]

[fmdmichelle]

*   ╱   𝖑𝖊𝖊 𝖏𝖎𝖍𝖔𝖔𝖓.

jihoon actually isn’t entirely sure when was the last time he saw michelle, probably the only cousin he knew of and cared enough to keep around in his life. maybe it was at the base awards but he isn’t 100% at this point in time. he has been stuck one of the studios in gold star and was working probably too much on music that was going to come and bite him in the ass later on. he physically shakes his head, gets the thought out because he isn’t out to mop to michelle how he may have gotten his heart indirectly broken up. afterall, with this specific situation, really makes jihoon realize feelings shouldn’t be that deep. it was stupid to make it such a big deal, but it has become his personality. schedules, studio, gym, sleep and repeat. same old boring schedule.

“i was gonna say, i can’t wait to fuck off to a warm island with palm tree’s and then realized my schedule is booked until about spetember.” he pauses, reaching for his iced drink and taking a long sip from it “i think we even have a comeback then, i need to check.” jihoon finishes with a sigh, eyes closing as he places the cup back on the table.

they’re currently inside gold star’s cafe, jihoon having personally dragged michelle inside because he had work to get to after their little meeting ended and he didn’t have the energy to go anywhere else. plus, it was quiet and chill inside the cafe, plenty of drinks and food to choose from, so he knew that wouldn’t be an issue. he feels tired and he knows he looks it as well, but he does his his best to keep the usual neutral expression he has always had. “if you could go on a holiday anywhere, where would you pick?” he switches the topic.

it was weird, jihoon was never the physically tired type of person, he’s been active all his life and the lack of sleep had been an issues for way too many years. he can only point at his emotions for the reason to be tired, he was upset and sad, what more did he need to physically not want to be anywhere but his own flat or the studio? unfortunately, he was an idol and had to be at another 30 places.

Reconnecting with family has been important to her lately. She’s made plenty of phone calls to her loved ones back home, she’s devoted more time to seeing good friends in Seoul, and for the first time this year, her soul feels like it’s finally being nourished with everything it needs to thrive—a sensation of fulfillment that she’s been seeking for quite sometime now. So, naturally, when the opportunity arose for her to meet-up with her cousin, Jihoon, she took it without a question; glad to know that their schedules finally aligned so they could pick up where they left off last time. He’s much newer to the industry than she is, and she’s always felt the need to counsel or protect him, despite the pair of them both being born in the same year.

Though, if they wanted to get technical, he’s older than she is—him bursting into the world in the chill of winter, and she when summer turns to fall. She’s always thought that that fit their personalities, and as she sits before him, Michelle listens to him speak; fingers curling around her cup—the fragrant scent of the oat milk latte she’s drinking tickling her nose with notes of brown sugar, cinnamon, and spice.

“Trust me, I know how you feel,” she empathizes, sighing lightly. “I remember when I was still somewhat new to the industry, I craved a break from everything, but seldom got one. The first five years of an idol’s career is brutal, as I’m sure you know now.” She’ll be honest: she’s so fucking glad that era of her life is over. It nearly broke her, but come hell or high water, she put herself back together, and she’s confident that Jihoon could do the same. She’s always gotten the feeling that he’s stronger than she is in some ways; navigating their careers healthily likely being one of them.

“If I could go anywhere? You’re gonna think I’m so boring, but I’d honestly just... go home. I’d go to New York.” Her answer is super dull, she knows that. “If I was forced to choose elsewhere, though? Malta seems interesting to me... that, or the island of Capri in Italy. Ooh, but now that I’m like, really thinking about it, I think Phuket in Thailand would be nice, too. Clearly, I have the beach on my mind, too.” She teases, looking out the nearby window to catch the dreary winter weather that’s still hanging out in Korea. She’s used to the snow and the cold, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t growing exhausted of it. Jihoon seems to be in a similar headspace, as well.

“What about you, though? You mention an island with palm trees, but which one?”

[fmdmichelle]

The first line she wrote to this song came to her on an airplane. Amongst the clouds, at witching hour, two cocktails in, it hit her, and she frantically searched for something to write it down with so she didn’t lose it; scribbling it haphazardly on one of the napkins she was given with her beverages. “People are together and they stare at me. ‘Where is he?’” It sounded so simple at the time, but she knew that, with all she’d been going through, she could build upon it more whenever she was seated in front of her piano back at home. In the comfort of her space, with a heart as heavy as her’s had been, she could begin to unfold the meaning of the line like it were the petals of a flower—allowing it to bloom organically with her heart and soul taking the place of sunshine, and rain. That, however, was a few years ago, and though she’s tried her best to complete it since then, she’s picked it up and put it back down many times; it taking its time to sparkle beneath her beams and fully blossom.

She knows that it’s a vulnerable piece, and she thought that that’s why nothing was coming of it; blaming it on fear of unpacking the feelings she felt then. Though, as it’s been awhile since she read through the first verse she wrote, she realized that that wasn’t the answer. No, instead of her being afraid to tap back into that mindset, it’s more that she’s moved on from it completely—finding it hard to reconnect when it was yesterday’s heartache. That realization gave her an idea, though. What if she picked up where she left off with new eyes? What if she infused how she felt back then with how she feels now; with the fresh feelings she’s enduring? It lit a flame within her soul once more, and as she sits before her piano, she’s allowing her heart to do the talking—her fingers covered in ink markings from the tip of her pen after hours of scratching out lines and replacing them with others, and reorganizing the verses, and choruses, so that they flow, and sound coherent; so they tell a story.

Wanting to hear it in full, Michelle straightens her posture and begins to play the introduction; allowing it to run for four bars before she sings.

❝ You left me in this big world... You surely knew that I’d be totally alone in this place... People are together, they stare at me— ‘Where is he?’ ❞

She sings that line and half-smiles; feeling proud of it somehow.

❝ You left me with no choice, So I chose the way of locking up the door, So no one could tear it apart again. I slammed it hard, for you to hear, But I left my window open... ❞

That part speaks to her in a way she can’t exactly describe, especially since when she jotted it down, she was thinking of a certain moment in time that only took place a couple months back. All she wanted was for this person to hear her cries despite being so guarded from them, and it caused confusion in both herself and her stance in their relationship. She knows deep down that she should’ve been more vocal about her state of mind, but it was a difficult situation to navigate; and honestly still is.

❝ You were not part of me, You were my everything— Everything we had was the dream of my childhood... Yeah, I wanted a family. ❞

The chorus pained her to write; an admission that, while they weren’t together in a romantic sense, he was still her everything. He reminded her so much of home when she needed it the most, and she cherishes him for that. She always will.

❝ You were not part of it, You are the everything— Isn't that your reason why You want me to stay? I can't live without you in this big world. ❞

He’s still everything. She can’t live without him. She wonders if he really knows that, and she’s unsure if it makes her pathetic or not, but she can’t help if it’s her truth.

❝ You left me in this dark place... Didn't even have room in your heart for my last words, But my sad-face... For you it was a happy-face, To hide my tears away from you. ❞

Another section that hurt to face head-on. It’s cathartic and therapeutic to explore such deep emotions in this way, but it also resurfaces the pain that was felt. This verse references the day she confessed her true feelings to him, and he ran away from her. Instead of conveying how it made her feel then, she kept a straight face until he left—not wanting to cause anymore harm to him then she already had.

❝ The scars too deep; The deaths too painful. Not strange at all— In this big, messy, cruel world we live in.

But I had you, Yeah, I had you. Ever since I met you I finally had feelings— Small hopes and little wishes— I had you. ❞

It’s no secret that the current state of the world is somewhat grim. It’s not a surprise to her that tragedy is still befalling people—herself included. Each new trying time leaves scars on her heart and soul. However, through most of these moments, she’s had him to lean on. He made her feel seen, and whole, even in her darkest hours; even if he has no idea. She met him when she was new to Korea, when she genuinely felt like a fish out of water with no one to talk to, or relate to, and in a sense, he gave her hope that everything was going to be okay; that she was going to be okay.

❝ You were not part of me, You were my everything— Everything we had was the dream of my childhood... Yeah, I wanted a family.

You were not part of it, You are the everything— Isn't that your reason why You want me to stay? I can't live without you in this big world. ❞

It concludes with a repetition of the chorus; softening from the vocal climax of the bridge—the big belted note she decided to add in for dynamics, flavor, and emotion. When she’s done with the run-through, her fingers lift from the keys and return to her lap; a deep breath following suit as she deals with the weight of of her words. After hours of revisions, scratching out lines, and reworking the structure of each lyric, Michelle finally feels as though she’s finished it, and as draining as it is to have performed it due to the exhaustion she feels, she feels proud of herself for picking the song back up. It’s definitely one that she feels good about unveiling, even if it’s such a personal piece. Needing a break, she downs the last of her cuppa chamomile and decides to retire; needing a deep slumber to recover from her impassioned journey.

[fmdmichelle]

♡ 𝐇𝐈, 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐘𝐎𝐍𝐄 !!  first of all, i hope the new year has been treating everyone well ! on a personal level, it’s been a little chaotic for me ( despite thinking everything would be so magically different in my life after the blur that was november to january 🤣 ), but i’m hopeful i can get my act together to be a better, and more active, member of this space with all of you. having been in famed for so long, it makes me sad that i haven’t put in as much of an effort to write with everyone here as i should, and going forward, it’s a genuine goal of mine to try and turn things around, and i want to extend an apology to anyone i’ve ghosted, or haven’t replied to, or followed-up with in regards to plotting, etc. it’s never my intention to do so, and i hope that i can prove to all of you through actions that i want to be better about consistency in all things famed-related ! so, if you’ll have me, my first step is pouring more love into michelle ( with jake & rioh to follow, of course ) ! with that said, i’d adore to get some new threads going and more plots brewing, and below the cut will be more info if you’re interested ! ♡

𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄,

in regards to plotting, i prefer to brainstorm specific ideas that suit the muses at play; i feel like i’m much better at that than coming up with open plot-lines to be viewed and taken. however, if you have any wanted connections or plots that you want filled for your muses, i’d be more than happy to look through them ! i love doing that, too, so don’t hesitate to let me know if you have stuff up for grabs. 🥰 oh, and i have a discord i can give out, too. i tend to prefer plotting there as it’s easier for me to keep track of, but i’m happy either way !

𝐂𝐔𝐑𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐋𝐘...

michelle is in a rather confused state at the moment. in doing more of a deep dive on her off-dash, i’ve come to discover that she’s at a huge crossroads with her career right now. while she’s appreciative of all that she’s been able to accomplish in korea as a pop act, the façade of having to be an idol is weighing heavily on her shoulders. having been in the game for over a decade now, she’s becoming really bored of the same ol’ same. in her heart of hearts, she wants to transition into being known as an independent singer-songwriter; a talent that’s somehow been hiding behind the veneer of lily’s “michelle” for all this time. however, that comes with its own complications because she’s signed yet another contract with bc entertainment that she’s riding out, and she’s trying to figure out the best way to go about making this vision she has come true without rocking the boat too much. slow and steady wins the race, as she says.

on a positive note, this conflicting time period ( as well as other more personal life events ) has given her a dramatic boost in creativity. now more than ever, she’s been at her piano writing so much music. her heart is so full of emotions and her mind is, like, overwhelmingly loaded with ideas that the only way to rid of some of that weight on her shoulders is to purge them through song. over the last few years, she’s been finding her own sound as an independent artist, and she feels as though she’s developed it a lot in ways that she’s really confident in. in fact, she’s submitted her own piece to be used for the fm202.3 march release. it’ll be this anthem, if anyone’s curious !

throughout the last maybe like, six-months-to-a-year, she’s realized that she’s become really self-isolated from people and she’s wanting to not be anymore. after a lengthy phone call home with her uncle, she’s feeling the push to get out more, and connect with friends, and make new friends, or kiss girls and guys, and just... have a little more fun. she’s definitely more the type that prioritizes work over anything else, and that’s often to her detriment, but she’s forcing herself to leave her home for more than just work obligations now. i also know there are plenty of people in the industry she either wants to reconnect with, or get to know more, so there’s openings for plot ideas !

she also would adore to collab creatively with someone right now omg ! like, she’s feeling so fueled with ideas and wants to like, share them with people she trusts, or even people that she looks up to in order to hear their thoughts, or to learn from them if they’re more seasoned in the solo realm. that, and as someone who always wants to learn and improve ( total virgo in that sense ), i think she’d even enjoy getting in touch with the other singers to nerd out about vocal pedagogy and music theory in general. she misses doing that with her vocal coach back home in hell’s kitchen.

while it’s not a totally formulated thought or idea yet, she’s sort of interested in doing some musical acting. mostly because it reminds her of new york and seeing broadway shows from the seats all the way in the back of the theatre that one of her uncle’s friends could snag her. a part of her thinks that being involved in a project like that would push her out of her comfort zone and re-inspire her in some ways, but she’s timid about it still. she wants to make sure she has the time and mental space to handle it before committing to a full run in a show. though, if she does want to go through with it, i’m thinking of giving her the role of roxie in the musical “chicago” as an option. 👀 it just... seems fitting and works.

𝐈𝐍 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐂𝐋𝐔𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍...

there’s so much more i could say, but i don’t wanna make this too obnoxiously long. if you’re down to brainstorm or plot something with me/michelle, please show me some love by liking this post or messaging me ! i’d love to hear from you, and i do promise to be on my shit ab replies to im’s. you’re all more than welcome to kick my ass if i slip, too. 😅

[fmdmichelle]

She called home last week, and ever since she did, she’s felt a void exist within her; one that can’t be filled by anyone other than her loved ones back in New York. It’s been awhile since she’s seen them, and each time she hears their voices or sees their faces on FaceTime, it’s a bittersweet tug at her heartstrings. When she first moved to Korea, her uncle used to tell her that distance is a good thing—that missing people is a whole new side of love that humans get to experience, and though it hurts at times, it’s a reminder of how close we are to those we long to be beside; a reminder of how important they are, and how much we genuinely cherish them. It’s been over a decade since she’s lived at home full-time, and while Seoul is a decent replacement for Hell’s Kitchen, it’ll never be the same to her. In fact, the longer she’s stayed here, the more eager she becomes to one day move back to the streets she knows and loves. It’s not a perfect place, and she knows that, but she can’t help but feel connected to it; like a part of her heart was left there, and in order for it to feel whole again, she needs to go back—she needs to retrieve the missing piece once and for all.

However, she knows that that’s not possible; at least not anytime soon. As much as she loves New York, it’s not the city that’s given her success. If it weren’t for Seoul, she likely would’ve never had the opportunity to live an overwhelmingly comfortable lifestyle, and for that, she’s grateful. Though, at the same time, that’s what makes her feel so ashamed of not being as in love with it as she should be. It makes her feel as though she’s not appreciative of all she’s accomplished, or all that she has. Never in her life did she imagine that she’d live in a large, stunning loft-style apartment someday—one that she purchased with her own hard-earned cash; one that’s full to the brim with decor she hand-selected; one that houses her beloved instruments; one that’s a genuine labor of love and effort. It’s something she’s so proud of, and yet, her heart still aches for the Empire City. It’s something that she can’t escape.

In times like these, she wishes she had more of a family in Seoul; one that she could lean on whenever shades of blue saturate the canvas of her soul. There are a few people who come to mind immediately when she thinks of who she could call right now for a pick-me-up, but instead of reaching for the phone again, Michelle decides to take a seat at her piano; her delicate fingertips easing their way onto the keys so she can start playing whatever comes to mind—knowing that music is the cure.

[kaialawson]

@fmdmichelle

it was supposed to be a laidback and personable type of livestream - so if that were the case, why had yujin spent the better part of forty five minutes in the makeup chair? don't get her wrong, yujin loved to get dolled up just as much as the next woman, but when it came to situations and events that didn't call for it, she couldn't help but be a little bit annoyed at how much time she was being forced to waste just sitting there while they added unnecessary layers of makeup to her skin. while she sat there, she let her thoughts wander to the next hour or so ahead of her. she was being paired up with michelle, funnily enough, to answer questions and give advice to their fans and anyone else that might be watching.

in a way, yujin couldn't help but feel as though she were backstabbing her own group member. it was no secret what had went down between michelle and mirae; with how close yujin was with her members, of course she knew what had went down between her group member and michelle. but it wasn't like she could really tell her manager that she refused to do the livestream. they'd only ask why, and she really didn't feel comfortable exposing private matters to those it didn't concern. she just hoped that mirae wouldn't be too upset when she caught wind that yujin was doing the livestream with michelle - he hadn't told her about it beforehand.

when she was finally free from the dreaded chair, yujin made her way over to where the livestream would be taking place, settling down on one of the comfortable chairs and crossing her legs carefully, her hands reaching for one of the tablets where they would be pulling the questions from - they had one for her and one for michelle. she'd only been seated for about five or so minutes before her partner of the day entered the room, causing yujin to smile politely. "michelle-ssi, hello. it's nice to see you again."

[fmdmichelle]

Being that she’s the youngest member of Lily, as well as someone with a sizable following on social media, it’s no surprise that Michelle would be tasked with a job like this. A live segment offering advice to her supporters—just the idea of it feels very her, and in the beginning, she was happy to be available for the shoot; looking forward to it, even, as she likes to think she has a loving, comfortable bond with her supporters. It isn’t her main objective to foster unhealthy parasocial dynamics with them, not at all, but she does inform them that she appreciates their unending love and well wishes. Though she’s not met all of them, she still feels lucky to have so many people in her corner, especially those who’ve stuck around for the duration of her career. However, the excitement for this all but died when she was told that this wouldn’t be something she does on her own. No, as always, she’s partnered with another artist, and while she has no hard feelings towards Moon Yujin, she can’t help but wonder how it’ll go given the past, specifically her failed relationship with Mirae.

She has no idea what Yujin knows and what she doesn’t. Mirae tends to make herself an enigma—which is something that always made her so devilishly attractive to Michelle—so there’s honestly no telling. All she knows is that she’s pretty confident that there’ll at least be a slightly awkward tension that takes up space between them. For one thing, they’ve never worked with each other before, so she has no idea if they’ll have natural chemistry, and for another, this is a live broadcast. That means they can’t even reshoot things if they’re not going well. Sure, as an entertainer, she’s been in her fair share of precarious situations, but for some reason, she’s dreading this one a little too much. However, when the time comes and she enters the studio, she paints on that warm smile she’s always been known for—ever the professional.

“Hey!” She bows, taking her seat; one of her hands motioning upward to adjust her bangs. “It’s good to see you again, too.” It’s not exactly a lie, but at the same time, she doesn’t fully mean it either. Hopefully Yujin’s not able to tell. “It’s... pretty random that we were selected to do this together, but I’m excited because I feel like we’ve never gotten to actually, like, work together, or even just hangout, y’know?” In all honesty, she really does look up to her senior. Of all the groups that débuted in her generation, Michelle’s always genuinely enjoyed Selene’s discography. All of them are exceptional talents, and as a vocalist herself, she’s always paid close attention to Yujin’s lines; hoping to learn from her since her voice is stunning—masterfully so.

"Is this your first time ever doing an advice segment?”

[fmdmichelle]

Dread. That’s what she feels. Whenever she has to get ready to set out on yet another outing for “%%”’s promotion cycle, she seriously gets tempted to feign sick in order just stay at home. Though, time and time again, her hardworking spirit forces her to suppress her emotions and drag herself out of bed. Having become a master at painting on a smile, she’s great at being presentable; at showing the public the Michelle Ahn they’re used to seeing—the refreshing first love type that’s captured their hearts with honeyed vocals and a warm aura. One could say that she’s even robotic in that there’s a mode she turns on when watchful eyes are on her—either in the form of a live audience, or the high-definition lenses of cameras. Her fans buy into the slight enigma that she makes of herself. They enjoy trying to figure her out; in attempting to come up with a solution as to why she seems so pure of heart, but is often difficult to read. They all know there’s more to her than she lets people in on when she sings; the depth in her voice a dead give away of the soul that lies within. They’re accurate in that she doesn’t unveil much of herself in the confines of her group, and what’s more is that she also hasn’t done so on her own either.

For the duration of her career, she’s been attached to other people. She’s the youngest member of a quartet, and beyond that, she’s been hailed as the “queen of duets” by her fans. Only rarely has she embarked on musical adventures as a solo artist, and now that she’s spent a whopping ten years dedicated to the collective that’s made her successful, she’s feeling ready to dip her toes into those waters. The excitement for what the year has in store for her is triumphant over the release of Lily’s latest album, and whenever she steps on-stage to perform the song, the mask she spent so long gluing to her visage begins to slip. Some people in the comments are pointing out that she seems bored, or checked out, during the choreography; that her mind is elsewhere, and while she’s going through the motions, she’s not as invested as usual. They’re right, and that’s what’s disheartening. It pains her that she feels so incredibly disconnected from her artistic journey, but she’s hoping that, while going through this pain, she’ll be able to rise from the ashes and start the process of building a legacy of work that’s all her own; work that she’s incredibly proud of.

Aiming to feel inspired again, it’s a goal of her’s to finally break free from Lily’s grasp and venture out on her own; to expand her reach as an artist. It doesn’t matter to her whether or not her music is as beloved as her group’s. What’s most important is that her heart is woven into each piece; that her songs feel like the hug from a long lost friend to those who feel connected to her somehow. As her schedule dies down a little, she plans on throwing herself into her first project; selecting a track she’s written to release as a snippet of what’s to come. She wants to give people a glimpse of herself as an individual in an effort to leave them eager for more. All she can hope is that this pays off, and that her attitude is able to change as a result.

[fmdmichelle]

*   ╱   𝖞𝖔𝖔 𝖍𝖆𝖗𝖚.

“i’ve been having a good night.” haru chirped brightly. he actually kind of enjoyed awards shows. they could be tiring for sure but haru found the pluses (seeing freinds he didn’t usually have the time to catch up with during the year) outweighed the slight inconveniences of the show. “what about you?” he figured were he in michelle’s position these sorts of things might become boring at certain point. lily had just passed their tenth anniversary and were still going strong as ever and haru admired that. but he also sometimes wondered if aspects of this life lost their shine the longer you were exposed to them.

his eyes widened a little when michelle told him he could take a strawberry too. his eyes flicked around the room quickly trying to see if his manager was nearby waiting to swoop in and scold him for breaking his diet with the comeback just around the corner. “thank you.” he said picking up the offered strawberry. he smiled. “i’ll be sure to be careful, i think my stylist would kill me if i got this rented suit dirty.”

he a bite of the strawberry and smiled happily. it was really good. though haru wasn’t entirely sure if that was because it was really that good or if it was because technically he shouldn’t be having it. when michelle asked about his favorite performance of the evening he mulled it over while taking another bite. once he swallowed he said, “i really liked duri-sunbae’s stage. it was so bright and pretty.”

when the question she asked is returned to her, she grins and shrugs her shoulders. she doesn’t want to seem dismissive, but having been to many awards shows in the past, they all start to blend together and feel the same. the excitement dies off after a few years, unfortunately. “i had a good time, yeah. though, i’m definitely ready to get out of these clothes and wash all the makeup off my face, but you know. i don’t want to be the person who shows up to a party only to make use of the refreshments, then leave.” michelle giggles, realizing that she’s done exactly that many times before. she’s always wondered if the hosts at said events considered her rude for doing so, but luckily, she’s been able to shield herself from their judgments by claiming that she has an early call-time in the morning, or needs to head back to the studio to finish laying down vocals, or whatever other idol-esque excuse she could give them.

that said, she’s trying to be good tonight, and when she sees haru light up at the strawberry she presents to him, she beams—glad to know that she somehow read his mind. it would’ve been rude if she made herself comfortable beside him and dug into a treat that she didn’t plan on sharing. “we don’t want you to be like kim kardashian. i still can’t believe she obliterated that gorgeous marilyn monroe dress.” she doesn’t keep up much with pop culture, but she did hear about that. whenever “america’s ( infamous ) royal family” does something infamous, all media outlets broadcast it to the world at large. “you’re far more graceful, i’m sure. when i was still starting out, i spilled coffee all over this cream-colored gown the company rented for me, and like, i don’t think they let me hear the end of it for, like, years. at every event after that, my manager would give me a stern talking to.” she rolls her eyes, then takes another bite of her dessert; genuinely loving sugar as a delectable replacement for alcohol.

her face alights when haru shares that his favorite performance was duri’s. smiling to him, she nods in agreement—recalling how beautiful his vocals were. “fantastic, right? he really does live up to the nickname god-duri, doesn’t he?” she’s known her senior for many, many years at this point, and has such a soft spot for him in her heart. “i still have yet to collaborate with him, but it’s a huge dream of mine in the future. he really is, like, the quintessential idol and performer. it’s hard to compare anyone to him when he’s just so good at what he does.” licking over her lips, she takes the last bite of her strawberry, then looks to him. “is duri someone you look up to as a singer, or is there someone else around that you adore, too? i’ve heard your voice and you’re incredible; i’m so curious to know who inspires you.”

[fmdmichelle]

*   ╱   𝖞𝖔𝖔 𝖍𝖆𝖗𝖚.

haru had been eyeing the various tables of food since he’d arrived at the after party. however, his manager had been hovering around near him as if to stop him from breaking his diet. so rather than trying one of absolutely everything like haru really wanted to do he had stuck to a rather modest food haul. but his eyes were still longingly lingering on the huge variety of gourmet food that had been laid out for them.

he’d been almost spaced out when he noticed that someone was talking to him. he perked up once he realized that it was michelle from lily. haru hadn’t had too many interactions with the senior group but he had very fond memories of being 13 or 14 and learning the choreography to mr. chu and oh! “of course!” he said quickly, his attention ripped away from the tables full of food that he wasn’t allowed to have because of his diet. 

“i’m not really expecting anyone i was just wondering how much my manager would yell at me if i broke my diet just a little bit.” haru explained. he didn’t know where exactly his manager had gone off to. but it would be just his luck to get up to get some more food only for his manager to catch him in the act of breaking his diet. but that didn’t mean that haru wasn’t still considering it.

when haru agrees, michelle nods her head and takes a seat; hoping that her presence as his senior doesn’t throw him off at all. she knows how intimidating it can be—she was once in his shoes, too: the youngest in a group, surrounded by elders. “thank you,” she lilts, pushing her chair in. “i hope you’ve been having a nice night! what did you think of the awards show?” it’s a customary question, she figures, and she keeps her sights set on him while she removes her gloves. the last thing she wants to do is dirty them with chocolate or the juice from the berries. it’s not as if she owns this piece or anything. though, she’s quick to pay attention whenever haru starts to mention how his manager is keeping tabs on him. that alone makes her sigh; turning her head to see if she catches sight of anyone peering at their table. she doesn’t want to get him into trouble, but at the same time, she doesn’t agree with the leashes that companies have on their artists, especially when they’re still relatively new to the industry.

“well, your manager can deal with me if they have any questions because i brought you a strawberry, too,” she chimes in; pushing the plate with both of them on it closer to him. “you can have the bigger one, if you want, and if your manager tells you anything, you’re technically not doing anything bad. strawberries are fruits, and chocolate? well, chocolate’s good for the soul; it’s like medicine.” she teases, placing her now folded gloves onto her lap. “just try not to get any of it on your clothes if they’re rented. that’ll definitely get your company breathing down your neck.” sometimes, whenever she’s talking to her juniors, michelle feels as though she gives unnecessary “big sister advice,” and all she can hope is that they don’t mind. that, or if they do, they’d tell her. it’s not like she’s one to believe in the hierarchal system anyway.

finally, she reaches over and grabs onto her indulgence; carefully guiding it to her mouth so she can take a bite, humming at the flavor. sure, her lipstick will likely get messed up, but she can always stop by the powder room later to freshen up. after swallowing, she looks back over to the fellow singer; offering him a smile. “what was your favorite performance of the night?”

[fmdmichelle]

since alcohol is off the table, michelle decides to indulge herself by sampling all of the gourmet food options at the after party; her dressed down attire allowing her to feel far more comfortable when it comes to enjoying all of the tasty treats left for she, and the other idols, to nibble on. for a millisecond, she recalls the early days of her career where her managers would be hovering over her shoulders whenever meal time rolled around—their presence often making it an uncomfortable experience as opposed to a relaxing, nourishing one. she can’t help but be eternally thankful that the days of strict dieting are past her now, and now that she’s allowed to maintain herself, she’s been much happier. that being said, she browses the refreshments that are present; all of them appearing far too beautiful to eat. it reminds her of all the bakeries that flood the streets of new york city—all of them showcasing their finest decorating skills in pristine glass cases, making them all the more enticing to the palate.

whenever they could afford the more expensive places, her uncle would take her to a few of them and they’d share a slice of cake while talking about the current events in their lives; this ritual becoming one of her all time favorite pastimes. smiling to herself, she wishes that he was here, and makes a mental note to give him a call the following morning. she’s been busy lately, but that shouldn’t stand in the way of checking in on him. nevertheless, she selects her first dessert—a humongous, stunning chocolate covered strawberry; one of her personal favorites.

turning around, she begins to look for a spot to sit, and in the near distance, she sees a table with only person occupying it. she feels like she recognizes them, but the lighting of the venue makes it hard to decipher their identity. eventually deciding to take the initiative, she picks up a second strawberry before heading their way; gesturing towards the seat nearest them once she’s close enough.

“is it alright with you if i take a seat here?”

an open starter written for 𝖆𝖓𝖞𝖔𝖓𝖊 ! base awards after party, circa 2023.

[fmdmichelle]

𝖆𝖍𝖓, 𝖒𝖎𝖈𝖍𝖊𝖑𝖑𝖊— base awards 2023  // outfit by 𝖗𝖆𝖑𝖕𝖍 𝖑𝖆𝖚𝖗𝖊𝖓.

            when michelle was told that lily’s assigned color scheme for the event was to be light pink, she wasn’t 𝖕𝖑𝖊𝖆𝖘𝖊𝖉. she understands why since the motif and theme for the group’s latest single, ❝ %%, ❞ utilizes a lot of the shade for its artwork, music video concept, and so forth, but with that said, it’s not a hue that she gravitates to, nor is it one that she believes flatters her. however, after a conversation with her uncle, he convinced her to lean into high femininity and soft 𝖈𝖆𝖒𝖕 for this look. her stylists took her requests and built this ensemble. it’s head-to-toe ralph lauren and takes inspiration from old hollywood starlets from the west. it might be a little much for the base awards red carpet, but it’s not often that she goes out on a limb and plays it up in this fashion. along with the blush colored gown and ostrich feather stole, she’s decorated in 𝖊𝖝𝖙𝖗𝖆𝖛𝖆𝖌𝖆𝖓𝖙 jewels that are provided by butani and yvan tufenkjian, a soft yet glamorous face, and classic waved hair that’s sure to 𝖜𝖔𝖜.