💜lonely hearts club💜 @forgottenbeaver21 - Tumblr Blog

hollanovacentral

by @ piwonplaylist 💙❤️

hollanovcat

melt

thefloatingstone

The last time I saw Earth.

spiritbladed

something something extremely sexy when magic users resort to physical violence. yeah i have the power of god and anime on my side but i also have THESE HANDS. i cast Punch You In The Face. i take my magic staff through which i channel the vast energies of the elements and the cosmos and i cast Severe Concussion And Skull Fracture. casting time for xenoglossy too long, chose the quicker route of Stab You In The Throat.

penandinkprincess

I know in my heart that shane is the type of person who would never bring up essential personal details until they are immediately relevant and then would also be so understated about them

he and ilya are hanging out in the yard and some bees are buzzing around because some watermelon juice spilled on the ground earlier and shane suggests they go inside or rinse the juice off the patio and ilya teases him about being scared of little bees and shane SO nonchalantly just, "no, but i am allergic and you don't know where my epipen is"

and ilya

penandinkprincess

reblogging with my own tags because i'm also CACKLING imagining the implications of this not being specific to ilya, either. they're having a barbeque at hayden and jackie's house and hayden is good-naturedly encouraging shane to try a piece of coffee cake or something and ilya just goes, "no, bad for you"

and hayden IMMEDIATELY is on the defensive because what? you get to tell him what to eat now? where do you get o-

"no, bad for him because it has walnuts in it, pike. you want him to die? this is what you want?"

"what are you talking about?"

shane: "i'm allergic"

"??? since WHEN??"

"since always??"

"you've eaten over at my house HOW many times?? and never brought this up? the fuck, dude?"

"jackie knows"

"WHY DOES JACKIE KNOW AND I DON'T"

penandinkprincess

yuna and david dialing IN to "if you don't freak out, they won't freak out" during shane's formative years to the unintended and unfortunate side effect of ending up in situations like bb!shane going *calm tug tug on david's shirt* "yeah buddy?" *big inhale that audibly wheezes as his throat starts swelling shut*

penandinkprincess

the idea of ilya on instagram accidentally pressing like while DEEP in allergy mommy blogging territory and natalie from That Allergy Mama DMing him to be like "hi, my husband wants me to tell you he says hi and that he's a big fan and also that call against you against san francisco was bullshit." "hello, husband of natalie. also do you have any suggestions for substituting peanuts in this recipe?"

shane at the other end of the couch after thirty minutes of ilya not looking up is just ??? who the FUCK are you texting down there??? and ilya still without looking up just, "many many sexy women who are crying because i am married now. they are very upset." as if his ass isn't diligently taking notes from a married mother of four on a good allergy-friendly pad thai recipe because shane mentioned in passing that it smelled good the last time ilya ordered some and now ilya wants to find out how to make some he can try.

penandinkprincess

he gets filmed for a what i eat in a day/day in the life type video and is so used to thinking about substitutes at this point that he doesn't even think about it when he mentions them in passing. they keep an allergy friendly household so the stuff he mentions is compliant, but it's paired with comments like, "and then i add some wowbutter, which is soybeans and not peanuts. we also sometimes have sunflower seed butter, but the texture for this is better with the wowbutter. i have also tried this, what is it called-shane: the gross paste with beans" *shane, offscreen from the living room*: "chickpea butter?" "yes, this." "it's nasty" "yes, not good. their jar says it is, but it is not. anyway-"

and it truly IS casual for him because this is just how he thinks now, but everyone else just ??? allergy friendly homemaker ilya rozanov??? since when??

penandinkprincess

A. the idea of ilya being lowkey stressed about shane surprising him and potentially being exposed to allergens is so fucking funny. ilya who ends up also keeping an allergy-friendly household PURELY because it's just less stressful that way. meanwhile the motherfucker WITH the allergies is SO fucking casual about it that it wouldn't even occur to him to ask ilya to do that.

B. when they're pushing the friendship cover, ilya gets nudge nudge jokes about trying to copy what hollander's doing, and he's not going to share information shane didn't greenlight to get out, so he just plays along. and now there's like. at least three other players lowkey accidentally following an allergy diet because they don't know it's an allergy diet. why do hollander and now rozanov not eat tree nuts? unclear, but they're also the best two players in the entire industry so it's worth a shot to copy them.

C. people being so afraid of ilya's wrath if shane has an allergic reaction to something at their house is KILLING ME. shane just fucking. STANDS near a plate of peanut butter cookies on the table in the backyard during a barbeque and four different people are immediately there shoving him away because they will NOT answer to rozanov about this. they will NOT die over cookies. who is the IDIOT who brought PEANUT BUTTER COOKI-

penandinkprincess

@lucky-santangelo ilya only getting five seconds of feeling smug and holier than thou before shane puts him on blast is KILLING me XD

@shanetism the idea of ilya finding out how many times he could have potentially killed shane over the years from not knowing this VERY IMPORTANT THING ABOUT HIM and shane's life flashing before HIS eyes is so funny. also the idea that shane was going to show him the fucking WELL at the cottage and just not mention the drawer his epipen is in and ilya being so ??!!! HOLLANDER ?!?! PRIORITIES ?!?!

penandinkprincess

shane groaning SO loud when ilya first breaks out the allergy cards because GOD ilya it's NOT that serious this is embarass-

oh? is this more or less embarassing than having allergic reaction in the middle of a restaurant and needing your epipen? hm? shut up and take the fucking shiny cards, hollander.

and riFUCKINGp to the restaurant that lied about not using peanut oil in their fryer as an angry, stressed ilya is stuck in a hospital lobby with wifi and a lot of energy that has nowhere to go until he's allowed to be back with his husband. you're DONE FOR.

also ilya being lowkey SO fucking frustrated at shane having allergies AND refusing to eat fast food, especially when they're on the road so often and ilya eats allergy-free when they're together. hollander, pick a struggle. you know what will not kill you? mcmuffin. she loves you. look at her allergen list. she is safe. this organic artisinal breakfast wrap from this tiny cafe cannot say the same. she does not love you like mcmuffin. she probably whores around with peanuts.

penandinkprincess

GOD the psychic damage ilya takes the day he finds out body products can have allergens in them. his body wash company is getting a SCATHING email about fucking around with their formula when there are PEOPLE with ALLERGIES who RELY ON-

and shane meanwhile is just, "i can take some meds and just be itchy for a little bit. it's seriously not a big deal." "you are covered in bumps! it could have been worse. they should have to give warnings if they are going to fuck around with things like this." "you seriously have to calm down. it's not going to stop me from play-" "shane i cannot overstate how much i need you to not talk about hockey to me right now."

penandinkprincess

MAN

shane growing up who always got, "oh, you poor thing" from well-intentioned adults as a kid and then, "damn, i could NEVER live like that" from same-age peers when older whenever he had to explain his allergies, and it was both annoying and also felt like failing at something when he had to decline a piece of birthday cake or a slice of pizza because it wasn't safe for him.

but if he frames it as a performance diet, then suddenly! admiration! he gets some teasing obviously, but there's also an air of "good for you, man" that lands a lot easier than pity.

this does, unfortunately, mean that he just develops a habit of just never saying ANYTHING when not directly asked lmao.

penandinkprincess

@riddlemaster101

i feel like shane would reliably tell medical people because this is a Rule for medical settings so yes of course he'll go into detail

for everyone else though??? cackling about people who have known him for literally fifteen years finding out about potentially deadly allergies ONLY because ilya is fucking interrogating the waiter at the restaurant. shane of Before just would have probably declined going and used his diet as an excuse because he didn't want to have it be A Whole Thing. now he has a husband to "he said no pickles" his allergies on his behalf, so he's straight chilling. 🤣

wendydarling95

Can we also talk about the Yuna and David of it all?

David spots them at the cottage and they go over, Shane's cottage is obviously allergen free and the shopping he did is all safe for him. Yuna and David know to cook safely, the chicken parm is all good and fine but they say "the croutons aren't safe for you, but you don't like those anyway" just in passing as a matter of habit and Ilya who JUST learned about bananas and latex and bees is like "oh wow! More allergies?? I need a list. Haha" and then they have the meal and the panic attack and they become boyfriends. Before they leave Yuna makes him a copy of her list of all the known allergens and Shane's common reactions to them, it's the first time he hugs her. He looks her in the eye and says "thank you for letting me take care of him. I will be careful."

It's a relief, to know he cares to try. But at the end of the day they JUST met this man. So they cross their fingers and try not to feel the same way they did every time Shane went to somebody's house for a birthday party or a sleepover.

And then they are over at the cottage some night and they decide to order in for dinner. Ilya takes everybody's orders and goes to the kitchen to call it in for them and it's taking *forever* so Yuna goes to see if he needs any help. She finds him sitting with two copies of the list, hers and one translated into Russian for his easy reference. He has the phone on speaker and says "thank you for checking the dressing ingredients, I know is weird request, but sometimes Caesar dressing is safe, sometimes not safe, but he likes it so much is worth checking. Yes, I'll hold again."

They've ordered from this place a dozen times, their recipe for Caesar dressing is safe, YUNA knows that, SHANE knows that, that's why he ordered it. But *Ilya* doesn't. So he's checking. Because Shane wants the dressing and Ilya want him *safe* and *happy*. And isn't that all a parent wants? For their kid to be with someone who is just as invested in their happiness and safety as they are? For somebody who will wait on hold while they check the fry oil and the dressing ingredients and whatever else?

Once Ilya has placed the order and hung up he gets surprised by a hug from behind, thin arms wrapped around him and perfume he's starting to recognize. He's bewildered, but when he asks gently "...Mrs. Hollander?" She just tells him to call her Yuna.

penandinkprincess

WEEPING

also cackling about the idea of ilya using the group chat with them to be mad about brands changing their ingredients so things that were SAFE are now NOT 😤 it started just as a "hey, those crackers aren't safe anymore" as a collective fyi thing, but it ends up being ilya just mad about safe things not being safe anymore

significantly shane remains SO unbothered about it all

penandinkprincess

also EXTREMELY funny to imagine ilya suddenly being strict about allergens in his house with svetlana, who has done body shots off of strangers with this motherfucker who is suddenly?? confiscating her granola bar??? ilya what the actual FUCK is happening right now??? "no peanuts inside anymore" "...what the fuCK ARE YOU TALKI-"

penandinkprincess

GOD shane who never really got the experience as a kid of getting to sleep over at someone's house and just Know there would be food for him to eat. he either had to bring his own or ask to read labels because he promised his parents he would, and then sometimes there just. wasn't an option.

and now he gets to go to his boyfriend's house and just know there'll be a cabinet of stuff that's safe for him. doesn't even have to worry about it. this is the Shane Cabinet, and it contains Shane Food. and when there's dinner?? that will also be Shane Food.

he's not the one person left out. not here. <3

madrasaur

hard launch

#that post that’s like #please respect his choice #as the hard launch 😭

gumy-shark

oh, no, you misunderstand me. those were my monkeys. yeah the circus and i have since parted ways. yeah it was the elephant thing, i dont really want to address that right now though

valuvi

Kagome 💚 🥹

corrodedparadox

S line (the S stands for salmon)

Prints

horreurscopes

starting a collection for my anthropology class can you guys send me more posts like these

horreurscopes

puppydog-pyrolosis

Here's a few I have

batshit-auspol

what the fuck is the statistics office planning

penandinkprincess

laughing about the idea of rose giving shane a weighted blanket as a gift and it soon becoming ilya's Number One Enemy in their house

at first it was just because it was a gift from rose, but now??? shane is cuddling up under The Mistress? ("ilya, it is a fucking blanket-") shane does not need to ask ilya to lay on top of him because he would rather be beneath The Mistress? ("ilya, for FUCK'S sake, you weren't even home-") maybe shane doesn't even need him anymore. maybe The Mistress can learn to suck his co- ("i'm going to bed. you can join me or you can keep glaring at a FUCKING BLANKET")

penandinkprincess

i feel like rose probably went for the heaviest option available, so like a 40 pounder, so it does have some good heft to it

and i'm cackling about this arrangement being referred to as a threesome as a joke, which is all well and good until someone is reading over ilya's shoulder one day and sees shane send the message, "today has fucking sucked. can we have a threesome when you get home, please?" and is just ???? hello???? what?? the fuck??? are y'all just out here casually having threesomes on a tuesday??? that hollander asks for wiTH A PLEASE??? WHO IS INVOLVED ONTHIS THREESOME FOR IT TO BE HAPPENING ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE????

penandinkprincess

not helping this is that ilya responds with, "yes of course ♥️. do you think your mistress can take care of you in the meantime? just this once she can have you to herself."

and what he's doing is just teasing shane to lighten the mood, but person at the coffee shop behind him in line is just

penandinkprincess

this escalates to the point that shane really has no other option than to post some kind of statement about it being an inside joke, and ilya of course has to be a little shit about it and post a response on twitter or whatever about, "oh, you will not tell them you are snuggling with your mistress right now, hollander? you will break my heart but not admit it to the world?" and so shane posts another picture that's just a pov from his place on the couch with the weighted blanket over his legs and ilya on the other end grinning SO WIDE because he's SO pleased with himself. and the caption is something like "pictured: my "mistress" and my soon-to-be-ex-husband." and ilya thinks it's SO fucking funny because yes! vindication! let the world pity him (even if playfully).

and this then backfires on him SO FAST.

now weighted blanket brands are sending shane pr trying to get him to mention them/show them off in a picture, and ilya is now fucking SURROUNDED by mistresses all competing for his husband's attention. BULLSHIT. HOW HAS THIS HAPPENED.

weighted blanket eleven comes in the mail and ilya goes live on instagram just FURIOUS. the frame is him in front of a PILE of weighted blankets and he is just

"enough! enough of this! are too many in our house. is like being fucking-shane, what is word? people in utah, they have many wives?"

shane in the background, not fully paying attention: "mormons?"

"those! we are not mormons! household is FULL. marriage is FULL. stop this! every single day i look and there are more enemies in this house."

"every single day i look and there are more enemies in this house" goes viral as a sound for people surrounded by clutter/pets/etc.

shane receives five more weighted blankets.

vamplire

babe wake up! extra stabby friday the 13th ides of march weekend double feature just dropped for the first time in 6 years.

oswednesday

somebuggy

oswednesday

i aint the snuggest bug in the bed

crystal-mouse

HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY THRESHOLD DAY LIZARDS!

these guys are 30 today!

29th January 1996- 29th January 2026!

officiallanxichen

[Image description: an edit of the Threshold salamander babies from Star Trek Voyager. They are wearing party hats and badges that say 30 on them. A balloon that reads "30 today" floats next to them and purple text saying "happy birthday!" is at the bottom of the image. End image description.]