Friends: Help me understand how I'm being problematic. (asking for some educational labor)
A neighbor has a dog that has bit me pretty bad. This dog has also bit my dog pretty bad. Another time, the dog bit a strange dog, and the people trying to break up the fight.
This dog is a pitbull, presumably a rescue. Very cute and sometimes very sweet, but has been growling a lot lately. The owner is absent because they just had a baby and their partner (the mother) does not want it around her because of her allergies.
The owner is a Latino person who is understandably, too busy to take proper care of their dog, and leaves it with housemates who are also very busy. The dog goes out 2x a day and gets food and some attention, so probably better than a shelter where she would likely be put down, unfortunately.
The dog regularly growls at me, when I asked if we could do an intro with treats, I was informed "in due time"/3 months from now. When I've asked if they're going to socialize their dog, I'm told the same. This is after animal control and the police were called. This is after we've had to break up 2 dog fights. The landlord does not know about their dog, because the dog is supposed to be removed from the premise. The dog also barks a lot, which gets my dog (an ESA) in trouble. The owner is very busy, so it’s understandable, but also challenging.
In another situation, the owner told me I couldn't do laundry because the landlord didn't want people in their garage when people are gone. I proceeded to do laundry, they send a moderately frustrated text to me when they found out. I made a copy of the spare key, and continued doing laundry, because fuck landlords. Laundry is in our lease, and our landlord had said nothing about us not doing laundry.
Turns out it was just they didn't want us in their garage, and the landlord wasn't involved. Had I known this, I defs wouldn't have made a copy of a key, though I still think it's absurd.
I told their other housemates about the copy of the key, asked them not to tell the dog owner, because I'm scared of them, and more so their dog. The housemates told them anyways, which is a good lesson in who runs their mouth and who doesn't, but is otherwise very annoying. The housemate that I told directly did not express any indication of finding this fear unreasonable, and told me that she wouldn’t tell them, and I could do laundry whenever. Of course, it’s possible she was doing the CA passive aggressive bullshit. I then inform the dog owner that I'm scared of their dog (and by proxy, them), which is why I didn't tell them.
They're not letting me do laundry because I'm apparently being very racist. I probably shouldn't have made the key without telling them, tho I did so with the consensus of their other housemates and my housemates. I fully understand how racialized masc presenting folks are often seen as dangerous. That's real, and not the reason I'm scared of them. Now a housemate has to do laundry for me, which she has generously agreed to do, but she really shouldn’t have to, and my house was “punished” by not doing laundry for 2 weeks.
To me, the key (And essential) difference is here, is that their dog has actually physically harmed me, and I have never gotten an apology. I couldn't use my wrist for a week after the first dog fight. Their behavior has led to cops being called on a black man who was taking care of their dog, and on a white transwoman who broke up the dog fight. It led to me being accused of owning the dog. It has led to us dealing with so much landlord trouble (no one in my house is cishet, most of us are poor, some of us are POC, so altho it's probs easier to find housing than if we were all POC, it's still fucking hard in the bay area)
My first reaction is “fuck people who use social justice terms/ideas to justify shitty behavior”. I dealt with an actually abusive person in my prior house, and until they turned on everyone else, was accused of being racist for saying privately I felt they’re acting controlling and it reminds me of abusive shit. (once they had turned on everyone else, including other POC, it was agreed that I was right). Just because you’re queer and/or a POC doesn’t mean you can’t be abusive on a personal level, even as there are structural challenges you face.
On the other hand, maybe I am being problematic. This dog owner is apparently a kind person, though I find this out well after the fact (and through 3rdhand sources). Maybe I am reading aggression into their texts when it’s not intended. Maybe I shouldn’t be threatening to call them out for being absurd and unreasonable. I would fucking love to cuss them out, but I won’t. I do think they need to know what their dog has done if they don’t know, and if they do know and are having this reaction, I think my feelings are very valid. Folks that haven’t seen the dog fights seem to think I am overreacting because the dog owner is nice. Folks that have, tend to think my fear is based in reality and the dog should be rehomed. I still have a scar on my wrist and couldn’t type for a week and a half after the time their dog bit my dog. It takes 3-4 people to break up these fights, they’re drawing blood(to the point of needing stitches on the dogs) and aren’t just little scuffles or rough play.
basically, halp, esp from white allies who have dealt with this shit (or friends who wanna do some emotional labor for me). how do I unpack this shit when someone’s response is “you’re being racist” and I feel I have valid concerns? Like I am absolutely trying to check the idea that a racialized masc presenting person is harmful, but it’s hard when their dog legit bit me and they’re not trying to stop it from happening again. Because to me, that is actual physical harm. If someone hurts me, I am scared of them, and I ultimately don’t think that’s wrong. Perhaps I’m more scared because of who they are, though I don’t feel that way. But I defs also need to know how to communicate better to avoid this sort of response if my fears are valid, and if they’re not, how to process them.
tangentwithtanner
titsay
stormborns
ellievsbear
blakekathryn
