What good is the idea of the phrase “I’m not going anywhere,” if the end goal is to stay indefinitely in the same place? Alternatively, what purpose does that phrase serve if its preacher is unsure of the intention his speech is rooted in anyway? To make a long story short, I made a decision that will ultimately affect the rest of my life. Dramatic? Yes. True? Also yes. But at this point in time, let me be the first to say that I deserve a little drama in my life. Drama that is free of your drama, of the drama you brought into our world for much longer than I deserved, and the type of drama you never had the right to subject me to in the first place.
So, similarly to how I have felt years ago, the new year brought an abundance of opportunity my way. A new job, new respect for myself, new appreciation for taking risks, and a new chance to find that love I have spent my life looking for. So, also yes, I am on the hot pursuit for love again. It is a pursuit, it is ambitious, and it is heated in a way that continues to make me wonder if I am actually meant to find someone that can withstand not only my intense level of love for life, but do it withstanding the test of time, and its influence on *presumably* both of our lives.
I have not moved on. I have tried to replace the holes you have left in me with wine, and new lipstick, nights out with friends, and nights in alone when I need to be with myself. I have replaced you with new flavors, and colors of nail polish, and perfumes and emails. I have replaced you with stronger strides on the sidewalk and less patience for the bullshit you dragged me through for months on end. Months that fueled my willingness to make this work, months that fueled my ability to give you the benefit of the doubt, months that fueled my defending you, defending myself, fighting endlessly for what I knew I deserved from you but felt like it was more of a chore to fight for something that you were too entitled to give me. Too entitled to give to anyone but yourself.
So I gave you all I had left. All that I had left to say, all that I had left to mentally and emotionally throw at you and strip you to the core of what made you fall for me in the first place. I gave you everything you took from me and the little you left me with. I gave it all to you, and then I took it all back. Or, if we are being chronologically accurate here, I took it all back, and then I gave it all to you.
I don’t know where you are going to be, which in part, seems like the million dollar question I seemed to ask myself when analyzing the story of us. Where that took us, where that took you (even though we both already knew) and where and how you saw me fitting into that picture. Two fucking years to figure it out, and you took the easy way out. You gave me abstract answers in frustrating conversations taken between sips of expensive bottles of wine and dresses you didn’t deserve to see me in. In makeup and Campari stained bed sheets, and on city sidewalks that offered free entertainment for everyone who walked by us fighting and yelling over who was right and who didn’t deserve to even open up their mouth to voice their opinion. Most of the time it was me, and you took that power away until the final time I called you back.
You are a child. You are immature. You are frightened of your own strength and frightened of being around those who have found strength in places other than on the pages of a textbook. Google earth can’t show you the nooks and crannies of what makes my heart beat or what makes my mind tick. But you had all of the answers in front of you. You always did. And I found myself asking you questions with the hope of you reciprocating them in return. Most of the time you never did. But I said them anyway. And you barely listened.
So have fun with your maps, your mind, your goals and what you think is the right thing for you because it seems like the right time to do it. If I have learned anything from being with you, there are things money can’t buy. Like the bliss that comes sitting on a park bench or walking past the restaurants we loved to go to, or sitting at a bar sipping a cocktail that I know you would have ordered if you were there. But the reality is, is that I am going places with a purpose. You are going places because you feel like you have to. And along the way, you didn’t have to go anywhere, because staying where you were drove you farther and farther away from me.












