Joel x Male reader - Frustration Overload
Warnings: Stressed out reader, self-inflicted harm (hitting yourself, clawing yourself), angst and fluff, pet names, extremely soft!Joel (might be out of character but idc I need me a man like this), lots of kisses and reassurance
Summary: Reader has chronic pain and fatigue, tries to carry on with life but after a bad week of work and making mistakes someone comments and makes you feel worse. You’re frustrated, tired and in pain. You need release and are a bit reckless. Joel comes home early from patrol and looks after you.
(A/N): This is a bit close to my heart as I’ve been in chronic pain everyday for 7 years and sometimes my frustration bubbles over and I act out like this as a distraction. Like Joel talking to people about the frustration and getting help is always better than letting it bottle up. Sorry for this “Self indulgent fic”
You had been in chronic pain for a good part of your life. Most of the time the pain was about a 5 and you could keep it under control and not let anyone outside of Joel know. You didn’t want to be looked down upon, asked overly personal questions or not be believed. Some days your joints were so painful that you could barely walk or your back would go trying to pick up your laundry. But it wasn’t just the pain and mobility issues, all of your energy you had your body tried to use in healing itself so you were left knackered. Sadly pain means that you can’t sleep and the less you sleep the more pain you feel, it was a vicious cycle.
Joel was your best friend and boyfriend. He looked after you throughout the pain and frustration even if you lashed out. He understood in his own way and he just wanted to help anyway he could. You were incredibly hard on yourself, you didn’t want to ever use the pain as an excuse. Especially after what a lot of people had to go through with the outbreak. Most of the time you let your feelings build up until you cracked because you didn’t want to burden your loving caring boyfriend.
This had led you to now. You were a month into a flare up and there was nothing you could do but let it take its course. First couple weeks were manageable but the last 2 weeks you had only been getting a few hours of sleep a night, restless to the point you sneaked out of the house with your walking stick to take a walk. You had mobility aids for the bad days but you didn’t want to use them in front of other people so you’d only bring it out when the streets were empty or if you and Joel were together. Joel had been helping as much as possible, talking with Tommy and making sure you weren’t on patrols for the time being. You were exhausted.
With no sleep, no energy and pain this week had been hell. You kept making mistakes, working at the bar for a night and dropping a glass, working at the clinic and not getting all the file notes for the doctor in time. Now you were working at the stables today, you were exhausted. “y/n…. y/n……..Y/N!” Dan the guy who ran the stable shouted at you. You finally snapped out of your head and tried to walk as normal as possible. “I need you to get the hay bales from stores and put a new one in Shimmers stable and feed Callus.” He told you.
You hadn’t paid 100% attention and now hauling a heavy bale towards the stable flared up all the nerves in your back and leg. You were getting a bit disoriented and you completely forgot who needed what. You ended up putting the bale in Callus’ pen in the stable and feeding shimmer. As you were feeding her and petting her muzzle, Dan approached you.
“Y/N you keep fucking up, go home you’re useless!” He shouted at you. “Wait what the fuck?! Why I did what you told me?!” You took a step back shocked. “No you fed shimmer when I told you to feed Callus, now she’s had twice the amount of food, Callus has had nothing and now we’ve wasted a hay bale too. Just get out of my sight” he scoffed at you.
You nodded mutely keeping the tears behind your eyes until you were far enough away. You hobbled your way home, you were in excruciating pain and you were frustrated. You were strong, capable and useful but maybe Dan was right. You kept messing up, you were a fuck up, you were useless. And you would continue to be.
By the time you got home you were sobbing in frustration, pain, sleep deprivation and self loathing. You were in the living room sitting on the sofa sobbing, milling over your thoughts. You felt pathetic and wanted to stop feeling this current pain. You were scratching at your legs and arms trying to focus on that and try to stop the tears . You kept rubbing and palming at your eyes with one hand. The frustration was too much and you needed the thoughts to stop. You used the other hand to hit against your temple gently to begin with and then getting more rough.
Before you could cause any marks or any rough damage to yourself, your arms were seized from your face. You flinched and try to back away, not having the capacity to recognise the concerned eyes looking back at you straight away through the tears. Joel pressed a kiss to your hand “Hey, Hey it’s me it’s Joel you’re ok” he said soothingly. You had been so in your own head you hadn’t realised he’d come home from patrol and entered the house. “J-joel… I’m” you tried to explain and say you were sorry but the pain and emotions caused the sobbing to re-intensify.
Joel sat on the sofa and pulled your form to him gently knowing that you were in a lot of pain. You were crying into his shoulder and massaged you back soothingly. “It’s ok I got you, I’ve got you” he whispered and kissed your hair. After a few minutes you calmed down and stopped crying. You felt very embarrassed for your actions so you tried to wriggle out of his embrace and avoid looking at him.
He hugged you closer with one arm and the other hand lifted your chin towards him. “Look at me darling” he spoke gently. You shook your head and closed your eyes. He’s seen this cycle a couple times before when the flare ups were bad. You felt bad and bottled it up then you started to put yourself down more and then snapped and felt completely overwhelmed and wanted to find a release for it. Then you would be embarrassed for reacting that way. “Baby look at me, there’s no need to be embarrassed. You’re in pain, you’re rightly frustrated with it but I need to tell me exactly what’s going on in your head. What happened? And What do you need?” He leant down to meet your eyes.
“Can you help me to our bedroom first, I want to get out of these before we talk” you looked at him biting your lip. He nodded, you tried to push of the sofa but you winced and gasped at the pain. Joel stood and bent down to pick you up, “Sweetheart wrap your arms round my neck and ankles around my waist and on 3 I’ll lift you ok?” You nodded doing as he said. After 3 he lift you and though it was still painful it was better than trying to walk. He walked carefully up the stairs and laid you on the bed.
Joel moved around the room to grab you some comfy clothes as you tried to remove your current outfit. He quickly moved to help you undress while jolting you as little as possible. To try and soothe you he would kiss each piece of exposed skin as he went. When he removed your T-shirt he kissed you where your shoulder met your neck tenderly. He then put a T-shirt of his on you knowing you liked the smell of him and finding comfort in him. He removed your jeans carefully and placed a kissed on each of your knees and dressed you in a pair of his joggers. He then made his way up to kiss you sweetly on the lips. The whole process made you feel so loved.
He sat down against the headboard of the bed and parted his legs placing a pillow against his chest then moved you to press your back against the pillow and his chest. He wrapped his arms around your waist as you leant back against him. Air and a little bit of the tension left you body as you relaxed against your boyfriend.
“Now you’re more comfortable and little less overwhelmed, tell me what happened to get you in such a state?” He asked calmly placing a kiss on the temple you had only been hitting 20 minutes before. You looked down and sighed grabbing one of his hands to fiddle with while his other hand rubbed soothing patterns into your stomach with his thumb.
“Pain’s really bad again. Haven’t slept more than 4 hours across the past 3 days. I’m frustrated because I keep making mistakes. I smashed a glass at the bar because my hands were too stiff and painful. I couldn’t grab it properly. Then when I was working at clinic the doc needed his clinical notes delivered to him but I was behind on sorting all of that out. They didn’t get mad but seemed disappointed in me. Then Dan shouted and called me useless because I mixed up tasks because of the brain fog and I had to lift a heavy bale.” Joel kept quiet listening to everything you’ve been through the past few days when you sighed. He waited for you to continue now gently turning the hand he had connected to yours over so you could interlock them.
“I was frustrated anyway, I know that I’m decently smart and capable….but the pain beats me down and makes me feel worthless. I felt useless after I smashed the glass even though Seth reassured me it was ok. Then I could see the disappointment of the doc in me. Then I was confirmed to be useless by Dan.” You started to shake a bit but Joel kept you tightly wrapped up, soothing the panic and frustration bubbling back up.
“I snapped, I hobbled back home sobbing then all the thoughts about how I was useless and a waste of time, effort and love kept floating about in my head. The pain was dizzying too. So I tried to cause sharp quick pain to focus on rather than the constant pain. Then I was worried that someday you’d finally give up on me and see that I’m not worth the hassle and finally leave me. I wanted the thoughts out of my head so I started to hit my head. I know it’s stupid to have tried that but I needed it to stop even for just a minute.” Your voice cracked as you told him the truth and how you felt.
“My sweet boy, it’s not stupid, I can’t imagine exactly the pain you constantly go through. It’s not a surprise you’re frustrated. Fuck Dan, he’s an arsehole and I’ll rip him a new one when I next see him. Hurt my baby I don’t think so.” He kissed the crown of your head, gently reassuring you. “You are my good boy, you’re strong and capable. Always have been, always will be. You made a few mistakes this week in excruciating pain, no help and no sleep. You dropped a glass, I would’ve been passed out on the bar. You were behind on paper work, I wouldn’t have been able to do it. And you did tasks the wrong way round, for me that’s just an average Wednesday.” You chuckled at his last statement which made Joel smile, pleased he could make you feel better.
“What I mean to say is, you have pushed on regardless. But you’re allowed to ask for help, to stay in bed and not work when you’re in this much pain. You are not less than for needing to take breaks and rest properly. And you’re allowed to be frustrated and any other emotion. But please next time just talk to me sweetheart before it gets to much, so I can spoil you and make you feel a little bit better. You’re stuck with me I’m never going anywhere.” He smiled against your skin as he kissed your neck and felt your hand come up to his head playing with his salt and pepper locks.
“Now how’re you feeling and is there anything I can do?” He squeezed your hand then brought it up to chin to turn your head to see him and kissed the corner of your mouth.
“I’m ok, tense and an in pain. Would it be silly if I asked you to give me a massage?” You asked sheepishly. Joel smiled shaking his head “Of course I can give you a massage sugar!” He moved out from behind you gently, quickly changed out of his gear and into some comfortable sweats. You watched smiling as the love of your life got changed and found the bottle of oil that you kept for days like today or when Joel would need a massage from you after long difficult patrol. He walked over and tapped the bed, “Come on handsome lay down of your stomach for me.”
With his help you manoeuvred yourself to take of your T-shirt and lay flat against the bed, head turned to the side so you could breathe and see Joel. Joel gently straddled your back, thighs on either side of your hips and gentle to not but too much of his weight on you. He poured some oil into his hands, rubbing them together to warm it up.
He massaged your lower back firm but gently. He released a few knots in the muscles and heard a couple of clicks. You audibly gasped in relief as a little bit of tension released. He was happy he could help and placed a kiss in the middle of your spine before he continued. He continued up your back using his thumbs to work out all the tension and stiffness a much as possible.
Once he was finished with your back you went to sit up and thank him. “No baby I’m gonna your arms and backs of your legs” he whispered and gently push you back down. Before you could protest be had begone working on your arms. He continued in the same fashion of working area by area leaving kisses here and there. When he was done he helped move you onto your back before massaging a couple more areas.
You looked down at Joel, starry eyed “How did a guy like me ever get so lucky to get you?” You pondered not realising you had spoken your thoughts out loud. He met your eyes and smiled, moving towards your face. He caressed your cheek before lovingly whispering, “I think I’m the luckiest guy in the world, I love you so much.” And kissed you sweetly on the lips.
“I love more” you responded and hugged him tightly.
Once he was finished you felt like you were floating, you were a little sore but feeling much better than earlier. You both spent the rest of the day in bed cuddled up to each other telling stories of times gone by. Ones you’ve both never heard or those you’ve both heard 100 times. It didn’t matter, you both loved each other and were smiling and laughing.
“Thank you for everything you do for me, I know that I’m not the easiest person to deal with.” You told him that night snuggled into his chest. “I love you baby. You help me through so much too. We’re loving and caring for each other in sickness and in health. I’m not going anywhere” He responded rubbing your back in circles.
“I love you too” you kissed him with all the love you had in your heart. That night as you both fell asleep knew that though the world was a harsh place that the love you shared was eternal. You knew that the man you fell in love with through small but powerful actions was yours and in return you were his. To hold onto and cherish for the rest of your lives.
A/N: Hope this was okay, bit self-indulgent and I know probably quite a bit out of character for Joel. But it was nice to get my frustration out onto the page.Let me know what you think!
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