My Story
This is very different from the few nothing fanfics I’ve posted here. This is real. This is raw. This is me.
*triggers in the tags*
My husband and I have been married for just over 10 years, and we have all but given up in having kids of our own.
However, in late June I learned I was pregnant and would be due some time in February.
We wet so excited. I stopped lifting anything heavier than 5 pounds, started taking a prenatal vitamin, and completely overhauled my diet cutting any type of junk and increasing my fruits and veggies.
My first doctors appointment was in mid July; about 10 weeks out. (A bit late in the game if I’m being totally honest.) my husband and I were so excited to see the first pictures of our first baby.
We got the offices, checked in, were shown to the room and only waited a few minutes before the doctor came in and asked us bth to run down our family medical histories and to get the ultrasound set up.
It was all so exciting. We were about to see the first pictures of our new little soul.
So, the doctor came back in and got me all situated for a vaginal ultrasound.
The picture came up on the screen and I could see; for the first time, a new life forming.
Then my world crashed.
The doctors demeanor took a total 180. The baby was only measuring 6 weeks when I should be around 10-11. And there was no heartbeat to be seen.
We were devastated. The doctor gave us some options and the best was to have some blood work done that day and come back in a week for a follow up to see if anything had changed.
That’s the option we took. We left the office in tears, got my blood work done and went home to cry ourselves to sleep.
That was the hardest week of my life. I stayed in bed all week and binge watched NCIS on Netflix. I wanted to lose myself in a story that would be nicely wrapped up in hour or two.
I didn’t do anything. I didn’t cook. I didn’t clean. I barely took care of personal hygiene. I read everything I could about symptoms of miscarriage and when a baby measured smaller than expected. There were a few stories of those pregnancy pulling through and coming full term, but most of the stories ended with an emergency d & c.
I gave up reading anything online three days into the terrible week. But I still held onto the tiny sliver of hope that it *could* be a viable pregnancy.
The week came to an end, and I was going to get some answers. Because that’s the worst part. Not knowing.
My husband and I go into the office. I check in. I’m taken back to a room, and set up for another vaginal infrasound. The doctor comes in and performs the ultrasound and to mine and husbands dismay; there’s no heartbeat.
It was an outcome I was prepared for. As prepared as any women could be when told the baby they were carrying is gone.
The doctor offered condolences and asked how I wished to proceed.
Having a week to think about it; I knew. I knew I didn’t want to go through this at home. So I opted for a d & c.
The clinic my doctor works out of was closing at that moment and my doctor offered to squeeze me into the OR in two days. Except two days from then; I was getting on a plane to go on vacation for a week. Having told the doctor this; she made sure the OR had room for one more procedure that day.
They did and as I made the short walk from the clinic to the hospital next door, my doctor put the order in for my procedure.
The staff it the hospital made everything pre-op very easy, and went out of their way to make sure I was comfortable.
The procedure went well and I have had very little discomfort post-op. And what discomfort I did have was easily taken care of with prescription ibuprofen.
I did end up going on vacation. I had to take it easier than I normally would have, but it was very nice to be able to get away from real life for a week and just take it easy.
Coming home was... more difficult than expected.
It’s been nearly 4 weeks and I still can’t seem to find any motivation to even get dressed in the morning.
I know this is a normal. I know it’s ok to be sad. I know that there is no time line for grief. I know that it’s going to take time to find my “new normal”. And I know this pain is never really going to go away.
Up to 50% of all known pregnancies will end in miscarriage. I just wanted to tell my story so that any other woman going through this will know that they are not alone. And they should not have to suffer in silence. There are so many other women going through this right now. And many many more who have gone through this before.
You are not alone.
