What Is 9th Grade?

A documentary of ridiculousness from the class of 2024, with occasional throwbacks to 2021, 2022, and 2023.

[freshmanology]

It’s been a long time.

A student fell out of his chair (he’s fine!!), and it’s hard to describe how happy it made me to have even one shenanigan.

[freshmanology]

Teacher Appreciation Day

“Oh, I already appreciated a teacher today.”

“So, you’re all set?”

“Yeah, I’m all set.”

It’s like watering a garden, but the plants occasionally punch you in the face.

[freshmanology]

This is timeless, but happy Teacher Appreciation Week!!

[freshmanology]

I miss having my freshmen in class.

Even when they volunteer to act out scenes from Romeo & Juliet only for the foam swords and not for a love of theater. Even when they can’t get through their lines without giggling. Even when they miss their stage cues. Even when characters who are supposed to be dead are still waving those swords around in weird places and hitting each other.

[freshmanology]

“Someone left this marker uncapped, and, honestly? Scum.”

— a freshman who feels strongly about whiteboard marker etiquette

[freshmanology]

The bathroom trip.

One time, a freshman began a very normal trip to the bathroom by taking the pass and leaving the room. I thought little of it.

When he returned, he was wearing a plastic top hat. His explanation was simply that another student had two of these hats, so he gave him one. This other student, the previous owner of both plastic top hats, is a former freshman of mine. It’s the circle of life.

[freshmanology]

“It’s a hand massage.”

— a freshman’s weirdly matter-of-fact response to my confused look from across the room

[freshmanology]

Mark your Google Calendar.

Today, my freshmen sang “Feliz Cumpleaños” to Google Classroom, which turned 5.

[freshmanology]

“Wait, we’re all going to the bathroom?”

— a freshman in my homeroom who thought maybe, just maybe, I was suggesting a group pee when I said they should go before being called down for yearbook photos

[freshmanology]

“No, that’s Whoville.”

— a freshman correcting a classmate who was confused about “Hoovervilles”.

We were discussing the setting of The Boys in the Boat. Not quite the same thing.

[freshmanology]

Nice try.

A couple of my freshman boys (strike one) we’re giggling (strike two) and tucking their hands in their armpits (strike three) while trying to convince me that they weren’t playing some game that would eventually end with touching each other.

[freshmanology]

A logical reaction.

Student 1: “Hey Student 2, you’re losing innocence.”

Student 2: *stabs Student 1 with the eraser end of a pencil without hesitation*

[freshmanology]

“Dude, you’re like, squeezing my nipples.”

— my students who put the “fresh” in freshman

[freshmanology]

“Get more hair”

— a freshman’s response to “what have you learned so far about growing up?” for which I did not request an explanation

[freshmanology]

They’re in my dreams, too.

As if seeing them every weekday just isn’t enough, I had a dream once that I caught a freshman vaping during class. I believe I told him to stop. He looked me in the eyes and shrieked,

I C A N ’T S T O P

Don’t juul, kids. You’re stressing out your teachers.

[freshmanology]

“You should probably just walk away. Like, go dump out your water and refill it again.”

— an excellent suggestion from a freshman when I returned to find the rest of her class clapping and cheering for someone who had written a one-word answer on the whiteboard

[freshmanology]

Artists and experts.

The same class of freshmen who drew toucans on their vocab quizzes started drawing flamingos today. One had four stick legs. Another had visible, chiseled abs. We’re super good at birds.

[freshmanology]

?

These freshman boys never stop touching each other.