hopelessly oblivious disaster gay frodo baggins
merry: so. you're in love with sam.
merry: you would give up your entire inheritance to see him safe and happy?
merry: you dream about holding him in your arms and growing old together?
frodo, genuinely confused: but why not? sam is perfect in every way
merry: yes and you think that because...?
frodo: because it's true?
merry: what if sam told you YOU were perfect in every way, how would you feel?
frodo, blushing: o-oh...he's just being nice when he says things like that.
merry: now, you know sam doesn't like lying to you.
frodo: sam is very protective of me.
merry: why do you suppose that is?
frodo: ...and also very handsome and reliable and sensitive and kind and did you know his eyes change from honey to chestnut to the color of the earth depending on the weather and his mood and he's so strong and---
frodo: and he's a very good friend!
pippin: i'm telling gandalf that i am in fact, not the dumbest hobbit alive. it's no longer debatable.
merry: do friends time their entire morning ritual around when they should start a pot of tea so that it's hot and perfectly steeped by the time you wake up, and stay up late every day fretting over whether or not you have enough blankets or if it's too cold or if you're too lonely even after they personally set out a warming pan before they left after an entire day of taking care of you and making sure you're happy?
frodo: he really is such a good friend.
frodo: i would do the same if he'd let me.
frodo: i should give him something nice as thanks. but what?
pippin: why don't you surprise ME with gifts
merry: because you're not sam
frodo, dreamily: no one is like sam...
merry: what if sam surprised YOU with a gift.
merry: and how did that make you feel
frodo: indescribably happy
merry: and that's because...?????
frodo: well i'm very lucky to have such a good friend
merry: what if sam gave rosie cotton a random gift for no reason
frodo: ...oh. yes. well, i suppose that would make sense. sam deserves to marry a nice lass like rosie cotton
merry: but he hasn't? he gives gifts to YOU
frodo: you're right...i'm getting in the way. i'm a terrible friend...poor sam, always having to take care of me when he should be courting rosie...
merry: so you agree that gift giving is typical courting behavior
merry: so then when sam gives you gifts...?
frodo: he's being a good friend
merry and pippin: *stare at the camera like in the office*