How I Am Fighting My Biggest Competitor; ED.

Making "gainz" never felt so acceptable.

[the-healing-nest]

While we still have a long way to go in terms of understanding Eating disorders, I believe we have progressed.

Many of us get that “Eating disorders aren’t about food or weight” because it’s the number one phrase that gets shouted from the rooftops by Eating disorder sufferers & Eating...

[thlnkdifferent]

[pinkandporcelain]

[fromed2iron]

Pre-iron

I hated my body. I hated every single lousy pound of it. I hated the shape. I hated the flat chest, "pooch", lack of thigh gap, and everything from head to toe. In short, I struggled with abandonment, resentment, and what I thought was loneliness. I convinced myself day after day that I wasn't worthy of love, companionship, or self-confidence. And It didn't take long till I reached out to the only "thing" I felt safe to grab onto. I formed this "thing" into something far more dangerous than I was aware of at the time. I personified it and gave it life. His name is ED. You see, ED was born out of the ashes of a few too many unfortunate experiences of mine. The minute I gave up on the strength of God was the second I looked into the dark eyes of satan. Of course, I didn't know this at the time. I didn't intentionally stop trusting my Father. I just simply took my eyes off of Him. The devil worked so quickly that before I knew it, I was a 5'2 16 year old who dropped 20 lbs in 3 months and had developed a heart murmur. I was cold (literally) and completely lifeless. Fortunately, family and friends caught on before I could do fatal damage, and I soon started therapy. I dropped out of high school, skipped my senior year, and hoped that a private Christian University would be the proper medicine. For the first few months, everything was smooth sailing. I loved my classes, my new friends, and the happy-go-lucky atmosphere I was promised. I was a state away from the town that held the majority of my nightmares and weaknesses. I thought I was well off, so I stopped seeking therapy. It didn't take long for the loneliness, shame, and resentment to sneak back in. I ignored the signs of relapse and growing old habits. Finally, first semester ended and I was back home. Bad memories and poor choices started to consume me once more and I could feel the familiar darkness surround me. I didn't know who to turn to. Alas, I remembered my old friend. The one that gave me control, fulfillment, and companionship. "Oh, ED. There you are. I have missed you." Before I knew what was happening, I was back in the same viscous cycle. Starve. Purge. Cut. Sin. Repeat. My walls were sky high and I drove away anyone who attempted to show me real love. A month from the end of my second semester of my freshman year of college, I was looking out at the desert through an airplane window. Next stop, Wickenburg, Arizona. Home to Remuda Ranch; an in-patient treatment facility for young girls and women with eating disorders. That was the day I knew ED had to die... Treatment was unlike anything I have ever experienced. I met some of the most amazing young women in "rehab." Young women that were so different, yet had everything in common with me. You kinda get attached to a person after spending 24/7 with them for over 30 days. I've craved their warm smiles and encouragement since the day I left. There's not a minute that passes that I don't miss them. Especially the staff. It was at Remuda where I came face to face with my fears. I brought my own series of unfortunate events from out of the hidden depths of my mind and into the Arizona sun where I could truly confront them. I wiped away my resentments with kleenexes and threw them in the trash. I wrote a letter to my shame, tied it to a balloon, and let it float up to God. And I drew a picture of ED only to bury him in the ground at the foot of a wooden cross. It was at Remuda where I vowed to continue in my recovery no matter where life takes me. It doesn't matter how many times I fall down, I promised myself, my family, and my Heavenly Father that I would never give up on recovery OR Him... Again. It was my 18th birthday when I returned home from the Ranch. I was welcomed by friends and family with emotional hugs, laughter, and tears. It was a very happy day to say the least. Even though I had spent over a month in an eating disorder rehabilitation center, this summer was still filled with trials and temptation. But I stuck to my guns the best I could. I was closer than ever with my family and I could feel God at work in my soul. Soon after my return home, I was asked out on a date by a guy whom I had had a gigantic crush on for quite some time. Mind you, I was very cautious at first. I didn't want some smelly boy to come in and screw with my heart and even give ED the slightest chance to weave his way back in. But I knew he was a godly man and I had received 100's on every "review" our mutual friends gave me before I accepted. Plus, I could feel God giving me that nudge He usually gives me when he wants me to listen to Him. Sooo I went on that date. And you know how I knew he was a keeper? He offered to pray before our meal. The rest is history. I bring him up because he was the main component in starting my weight lifting journey. He's been dedicated to it since high school, I was always athletic and into fitness, and so we've bonded over it from day one (we actually met face to face in the gym... Imagine that). And it has been a growing passion in me ever since. I have no coach yelling at me, no put downs, and no rules. It's just me and the iron. The dumbbells give me control, the bench supports me, and the pain I get from lifting greatly outweighs the pain I once inflicted on myself. I no longer work out to "slim down" or "tone up." I go to the gym to relieve stress, take out any anger I might have, and build the strength that my body is capable of gaining. I build back the muscle that I once took away from my body. Weight lifting has done wonders for my recovery. I no longer use it in an unhealthy, excessive way. But rather a self-worth, self-confidence aid. God has given me weight lifting as a gift. All of my strength (physical AND mental) comes from Him. He has shown me that I have so much to be thankful for. He has shown me how to truly love my body for how He created it. Perfectly imperfect, but perfect to God. And I wouldn't be where I am today without Him. "ED" will continue to be a struggle in my life. It will be a struggle forever, most will say. It doesn't go away over night. But it IS a battle worth fighting against. I have much to learn, wounds to heal, and mountains to climb, but I have so much more to keep living for. Peace and blessings, my friends. Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting. But a woman who fears The Lord is to be praised.

[fromed2iron]

I didn't think this day would ever come. Words don't describe this feeling. I've been on cloud 9 all day. I never thought that 5 months ago I would be entering in my first powerlifting meet. I definitely couldn't have done it without all of the support I received from friends and family. And I most certainly couldn't have done it without "coach A" by my side every step of the way. Above all, None of this could have happened without my man upstairs. These past few years have definitely helped me appreciate God more than I ever have. And now he's given me the ability to lift. He's given me a gift that has helped my self confidence, self worth, and a sense of accomplishment again. He has shown me that I have so much to be thankful for and has shown me how to truly love myself. I owe it all to Him. I also had the privilege of meeting so many incredible young-old men and women that share the same passion. I met a man who, as of four years ago after a car wreck, thought he would never be able to lift weights again. He had phillipians 4:13 written across his singlet. And there he was out there today benching over 500 lbs and deadlifting 700. He won the overall best lifter out there today and it wasn't all for the weight he picked up. Everyone here today had a different story to tell and a different journey as to how they got to where they are and I received so many helpful tips and advice. I can't wait to continue in the powerlifting world and hopefully one day, body building. Thanks to everyone who believed in me! Already ready for the next one 💪 #blessed #apapowerlifting #westplains #raw #teendivision #nationalrecord #PR #225 #deadlift #hungryforround2