FUCK IT

All the Gods, all the Heavens and all Hells are in you .

[fuckeveryypeople]

2023

Last year was amazing and unbelievable, i felt like i was living in a movie.

Start the year in the most unhappy place, in a work and a city that was making me unhappy, working for someone that didnt get about is workers, and probably involved in a lot shady stuff, people and money. In a city where rain and cold are part of your daily routine, getting wet because it was unavoidable, but still with amazing people that i met from another countries, going on dates with amazing women, but my energie got drop by a point i couldn´t be there anymore, so i just left the place with no notice, unhappy and not telling anyone...

The next stop around may, was the place where i reagroup and wanted to start thinking about what i wante to do, so i just went there to prepare for my 2 weeks in a city where 2 festivals where to happen... In this city estayed with my friend and my brother, went out, crazy nights, great vibes with the homies, but i left...

The next two weeks where a dream, fantasy, could think i could live something like that, first festival immaculate vibes, me and my group of friends, my confidence where out the roof, outifits on deck, on point, womens loking at me in the arena, in the streets, i saw life some of my favorite artist, first night i met an amazing woman, that is everything i´ve never thought i wanted, we enjoyed ourselfs for the entire night, saw each other the next day, in the end we didnt say goodbye but "See you later"... the next festival same thing but the vibes where different, still enjoy some of the best perfomance of amazing artist, after i got to see my family again after almost a year, from there everything went down, lost my flight back to my brother house and got banned from certain airline company, got so sick that i couldn´t fuck i woman i wanted the way i wanted...

Got back to my brother´s house, looking for jobs, tryng to get my visa aproved to work there but got denied, tryng to think about what i wanted for myself, my live, the 2/3 months was the moment of my life where i felt more lost, wanting to die, looking for ways to kill myself, ghosting everyone in my life, loosing the joy of life, the joy of living, seen everything fallin in you, having my brother at that moment was important, because he understood what i was going through and gave me a place where i could be myself and reborn, he took me back to a place where i had to enjoy the little wins of the day to day things, he was going through stuff i was going through stuff, but we help each other...

I started to think about my death and forgot to simplify things, till i found myself again, and i took a decision where i found a new country, new city and new job...

Here in this new place im taking things slowly, in a enjoyable pace, im back to beggining, i have to learn a new industrie, i have to learn how to take orders again, restarting in a new culture. just enjoying the process, the girl i met on the first day of the festival we will see each other again in 2024, my joy of life, joy of living, seen my future, seen my confindence back again...

SO MANY STORIES I DIDNT PUT HERE, DIDNT ELABORATE PROPERLY, IF YOU READ THIS TILL THE END, ASK AND I SHALL WRITTE THE ONE MADE YOU CURIOUS... THIS WAS A YEAR WHERE I SEE MY HIGHEST AND LIVED MY LOWEST OF THE LOW...

[fuckeveryypeople]

Void Filler

Never really thought that i would came in to peoples lifes to fill in a void in their lifes, or make them realize something they need... even after i realised that a lot of my "friends" are not staying for long, i would create a delusional thinking in my mind, something to ease it.

I´ve been an hero, i´ve been a villain, i´ve been a good person, i´ve been a bad person, which i´m actually okay with it, after some time you get used to it, i became numb to things,to myself, but never to others feelings, to others problems.

sometimes i feel that i go in to peoples life, i get used, accused, blamed for things... also they thanked me.

But it always ends in the same situation... either i or them leave after im not needed anymore.

[fuckeveryypeople]

Honest question!!

Why would it be bad, if one day I just decided to end it all, not because im sad, going through something or some kind of depression, but just because it would be the most logical step to take. Its not that my life is hard, or that I'm living some difficulties in my life, I'm actually good, happy, good with where my life is at the moment... but in reality shit is boring out here, life is just not making any sense, whit that my honest question is why not end myself, and just go to the next step in whatever realm there's out there...

But yeah thats just a thought going through my mind right know, its not that I'm actually going to do it hahaha

[fuckeveryypeople]

Thank You

For everything that you represent to me, for all the love that you gave to me, for all the trust that you deposit in me, for all the time that you gave me safety, for all the moments of peace that you gave me, for never ever given up on me. The love that i feel for you is infinite, all this year have been thinking and worried about you, a little bit curious also about the person that you have become, and now for one last time you gave me peace, safety and hope

I´m proud of who we have become, proud of you for smiling, you´re happy makes me happy.

Bye, I know as we are eternal souls wandering around since the beginning of life, I´l see you in another life and we might have a better chance, i blew off the chance in this life, but i learn... next time i will not make the same mistake.

THANK YOU. . .

[fuckeveryypeople]

I want to cry, i want to relief myself from this pain, i feel like im in a cave, i feel like there's nothing left for me in this place, I feel like I have so much inside me that im afraid of releasing all of this feeling, because I don't know what would happen...

I want to cry, but I can't, I'm feeling so disassociate with life that nothing feels real. I want to cry so bad but I can only smile to hide everything, its getting denser and darker and heavier...

I want to cry, so that at the end of the day I can find peace, I realized that I don't want to be happy but just in peace.

Well, I hope to see the day, im still far from a goodbye 😁

[fuckeveryypeople]

Update

I thougth i had i lot to say, i mean a lot happened, but i just learn with it and went with the flow of things, i dont regret all of it, but i felt pain, and somehow i´m feeling pain in my emotional heart (not the organ of course hahah... i mean sometimes i feel pain in there, but i ignore it) but yeah, i´m feeling pain because i know i am late, and someone took my place and i have to see it. IT IS WHAT IT IS

Whats new? well, i´m still getting high, now is almost everyday, i´ve been speending more money on shit to get high than usual, but im happy, also been missing someone, just want to talk to her one last time... ohhhh and i finally making moves to move out of the country, i´m so happy about it, i need this, and thats why im somewhat ok with this pain (i guess)

[cobwebkitten-deactivated2020101]

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[fuckeveryypeople]

This is weird... I'm high, I've been high for a month almost...life been mostly good in small things, but bad in bigger ones, I haven't been talking to someone who really makes me happy in a while, I haven't been making money, like real money in a while and most importantly, I haven't been feeling happy with myself I couldn't find myself dreaming... that's bad... I like to dream, I like to feel that I could do something important... 3am I'm at a place where most man would feel fucking happy, but I'm not... I gave someone that type of hug today, I felt bad.... FUCK IT

[fuckeveryypeople]

The Seventh Month

This was written back in 05/07/2020...

So much is happening at the moment, don´t know what to think... Never thought i would be writing about Covid-19, but here i am... right now at a small family gathering for the weekend, drinking, dancing and eating, but not really having fun, one of my friends was hospitalised because of this C-19 shit, two of my goddaughters are in a place where this shit is really hot, the other one  with some family problems, and i´m here feeling useless, not knowing what can do to help.

There been a long time since i feel this  way sad and useless, hate feeling like this, not being able to help the ones i care for...

SOOO, i only do one thing on this situations, resource to alcohol or some heavy drugs, nothing new...

This was written  back on the 19/07/2020, 2020 a magic year right?

Don´t know what to me, but whatever it is, it´s working... Even tho you having problems in your life, you somehow still try to make sure others are feeling alright, and try to make me feel good, when it it should be the other way around, sometimes you make me cry, either happiness or sadness, you may not see and u don´t need to see me at my most vulnerable moments right now, i´m sorry but i´m trying my best, Just know you´re amazing to me... and when i say that, i´m not just saying for say and be correct or nice, fuck that, i´m being real as possible i can be.

This was written on the 21/07/2020...

I realised that me feeling the way that i´m feeling at the moment isn´t going to change or help anything for me, its painful been useless, not being able to help, not being there when they need, it feels like i´m on the corner watching everything happen right in front of my eyes and i somehow am tied, and can´t do shit... Today i read some affirmations, about something i´ve been trying to understand, and it helped me making some decisions.

This is today, 27/12/2020...

Just saying that i´m feeling better, things are not amazing or great, but its more healthier... still using some “light” drugs, but healthier, just needed to take this of my mind

[whitepeopletwitter]

[fuckeveryypeople]

Next

...This was written back in January/February my mind was wild, but i never put this out here because i was able to handle all my thoughts, but now its getting complicated, so i have to put this here and rest my mind...

 Have you try to understand the meaning of things,  like i do? why this, why him, why her, why that place, why those words? Have you ever look at the window and see a light on the dark and ask why is there?  We as humans look for answers in everything, we do, but it doesn´t seem we like the results when we found it.

Days, weeks, months, years even decades have passed, and i think i grasp a little bit of what i´m doing here, why sometimes i´m on someones life then i´m not, why i take some decisions, in 5 years i know where i´m going to be... its been so long since i feel that (21 supposedly been the end of me) thankfully i have now a second chance (destiny?? hahah)...  Before i was never able to understand why we behave the way we do, even with years and years of learning about us.. than i gave up, there is not much things that i have gave uo on, but on humanity i did, it was an excuse, lets be real, an excuse to give up on myself.... 

well, this is over for now...

[fuckeveryypeople]

FEAR

That is a powerful word, fear, we do n´t realise it what this word do to us, till we are sinking in it, fear makes decisions for you, fear controls your will, fear controls your life, if you let fear takes control on your body you´re a different person, so they tell you to control that, but they don´t tell you how, it looks easy, but fear is like animal instinct, to control it is complicated and takes time, but i kind of understand why we don´t have much to go for it, because fear is different in everyone, so we need to learn how to coop whit it... The thing is, when you think you get over something, another irracional fear appears, i think is something to get with age i guess...

But at the end of the day, people is just fucking mess, we don´t know who we really are, so how can we fight and win FEAR.

[fuckeveryypeople]

smile

UHM... its been a while since i wanted to write some in here, a place like this been were i put my deepest thoughts, never ever thought that i would write some happy... well, lets start with the face of my happy smile, she has this stare on her, eyes of someone that can see through all your barriers and defenses, eyes that transmit peace to my mind and heart, her mouth, her lips and teeth make the perfect combination to a smile, seen her smiling makes me smile and i feel her energy through my body, her slightly rose cheeks that combines with the nose, dark hair to complete her kinda baby face mixed with attitude...

She´s has a kind heart, intelligence on reading others feelings and care about them... after reading all of this about her you may think that i only care about her physical attributes, but no... But with the soft touch of her hands and soft & tender lips, the way she look at me and smile at me but o lose myself in my mind, i think that she connected to my energy first than a could connect to hers, and when I´m in need she sents me something either a pic, voice message or video message in the mornings that change my mood all the way up.

we are not together as a couple, but still she can shift my moods, can make me angry and happy.

I think i can trust her and I'll open my secrets and deepest thoughts to her.

[fuckeveryypeople]

Well i needed this

Well, there i go again, rant about some bullshit about my life decisions...

I dont know how or even why, i actually thought that i could be happy, for moments it was alcohol (but its not good), then it came some drugs, and those things really made me feeling great but that was nothing else than a simple dream, because "outside of my misery, I think I'll find a way of envisioning a better life" , Right??, but this so called better life is probably never coming, well, maybe when i die.

[vil-is-my-baby]

Self-destruction Self-destruction isn’t snorting the line on the party just because you want to try it for fun and thinking “I’ll do it just once, just to try it!” Self-destruction isn’t going out and drinking a little too much sometimes. Self-destruction is taking that line even you know what will happen, knowing the side effect of that. It’s taking that line, not because of fun or people around you,  it’s because you have that urge inside you that tells you to do it, to fuck yourself up. Self-destruction is going out with the intention to get drunk and not know about yourself the whole time just because you feel something inside of yourself that needs to be destroyed. You don’t drink because you’re sad or happy, you drink to kill that something inside of you. Self-destruction is that smoke of cigarette you just took. You didn’t start smoking because of people around you make you do it, you started smoking because you heard it’s bad for you. Now you’re addicted. Or maybe you aren’t but you still do it. Self-destruction is when you go to some random person you met at the bar house because of sex. You don’t know who he is, you could be anybody, you could end up dead, raped, you don’t know it won’t happen, but you go anyway. You know all the risks but you do it anyway. Self-destruction is pushing people away and making yourself antisocial on purpose. Self-destruction is popping painkillers even if you aren’t in pain. Self-destruction is getting into fights on purpose. Self-destruction is letting your id doing whatever you want. Self-destruction is a lot of things, but it’s never a choice. Self-destruction isn’t mental illness. Self-destruction isn’t when you break up with your boyfriend so you lock your room and cry or go out and get drunk to forget about him. Self-destruction is something in people, something that pulls you to the edge. It’s the sweetest sin of all of them. You can fight it, but it always wins. People keep saying to fight it like if they can fight it, you can fight it also, but if you are a really self-destructive you can’t fight it and you know it. It’s part of your reality, your life. Not all alcoholics are self-destructive. Not all addicts are self-destructive. Not all drug addicts are self-destructive. Not all who are depressive are self-destructive. Not all alcoholics are self-destructive. Not all addicts are self-destructive. Not all drug addicts are self-destructive. I smoke, I drink, I take pills – I’m not addicted to any of that. I do it do destroy myself. I don’t hate myself, I’m very far from hating myself. But some people do hate themselves. Some do, some don’t. everybody is different. If somebody asked me why I do what I do I wouldn’t know how to answer. I know what is the goal, but I don’t know the main reason beside something self-destructive inside me. For example, I know what heroin does to people but I’d love to try it. But I’ll never do it. Not because I don’t want to, but because I know what would it do to people around me. I don’t want to fuck them up. I want to fuck me up. And there are ways to do it without hurting somebody constantly. People who are self-destructive don’t want to harm you, they want to harm themselves.

T.S. aka me/ things i never said out loud (via vil-is-my-baby)

[dsxsbx]

Seceda 2500m by Guerel Sahin

[fuckeveryypeople]

This is Live

This past 3 days i came to a realisation, I´M NOT DEAD, and i been asking why, why i´m not dead, why i passed the 21 marker, then sommething happen, and instead of me, someone else is gone, a lotta pain is in the air for a couple days.

I´m feeling more than i wish for, but i guess is normal, since  i consider him like my  little brother.

i´ll be with you soon...

LIVE IS WORTHLESS.

RIP...