Avoidant Sun

[fusionpyre]

Origin of Value

I recently came to the realization that I have always sought value from external sources. I found value in my services to others, whether seen or not. Growing up I never noticed anything wrong in this, as altruism is often said to be the greatest virtue. As an unintended consequence, however, I never took the time to find value in myself.

I am an avoidant person, and this blog is dedicated to understanding and hopefully overcoming this most damaging part of my life. Today I am discussing the nature of "value" as it relates to us on an emotional and philosophical level.

Beyond just seeking the approval of others, I was also raised to be happy and spread joy wherever I could. I see now that these two concepts became very intertwined in my head, and this is where the problems begin. For the most part, this isn't an issue, but in extreme circumstances where you can't cheer someone up, I crumble. I am only confident and determined so long as I have value, but when everyone around me is sad, I lose all sense of value become a pile of pity, unable to help anyone.

It is the same for most anything I avoid. If it is negative, I perceive it as having negative value and something worth avoiding. Low bank account? That's bad, so don't look at it. Mind you, this is rarely if ever conscious, which is why I'm trying to make it conscious here.

Long story short, the answer I came to was this: all value comes from pain and its reduction, cessation, and prevention. In a way, isn't that all happiness is? Every goal, desire, or instinct is attempting to have one of these effects on pain, whether it's having a job to ward off starvation, finding love to not feel the pain of loneliness, or even just playing games to stave off the pain of boredom. Solitary confinement is punishment for a reason. In fact, as I recently learned, physical and emotional pain are experienced in the exact same way in the brain.

So, did I ever care about my own pain and suffering? No, no I did not.

And that's where I find myself. I have been chasing the wellbeing and goals of others who were either more aware of their pain or had clearer ideas of how to tackle it, and in a way fed off of their relief, instead of ever trying to do so for myself. Even now I struggle to identify what pains I feel, even just psychological. My outbursts and compulsions tell me there is some pain buried in my subconscious; I just have to find it.

[fusionpyre]

Meta-Cognition, Meta-Emotion

Someone cut me off while going rather fast on the road to work the other day and it made me angry.

I feel guilty about being angry, because I remember a story where a man was being driven to the hospital by a friend, but the highway was backed up so his friend drove on the shoulder, but everyone else was so upset that they blocked off the shoulder and the guy ended up dying, so maybe this person that cut me off had an emergency and regardless it didn't really affect me.

I feel frustrated by being guilty, because it was rather dangerous for someone to be speeding regardless, and they could have caused an even greater emergency if indeed they were in one.

I feel sad because I can imagine my friend dying next to me and not being able to think totally rationally and desperately doing anything to save them.

I feel resolved to prepare myself mentally for such an occasion so that I don't act recklessly, and spread awareness of such situations so other people don't act rashly out of anger or worry either.

. . .

So I had never heard of "meta-emotions" until just now. I have heard of meta-cognition and have obsessed over it to some degree, thinking about existence and the nature of thinking, logic, mathematics, and what it means for us to have the capacity for any of these. However, this now seems rather trivial in the face of "meta-emotions".

That may seem counter-intuitive, and indeed it hurts me to even say it, but I mean it. I have long avoided my emotions because I always come to a sort of dead-end paralysis where I know I should be acting but I feel too constricted by fear and sadness that I dissociate from the situation entirely. I found comfort in rational thought and logical science as I could make sense of such things, but here's the problem: those emotions never went away, they just got buried.

These unresolved emotions have caused numerous problems over the years to where I effectively feel lobotomized from how little I am able to feel about a situation or connect with friends or close family. I don't respond to messages, my finances diminish, and I flunked out of college. I just...couldn't muster enough energy to care.

But that always confused me, because there are times when I feel like I am experiencing emotions so intense that I would explode if I moved a single muscle or muttered a single word, so I knew there were emotions there. So how do I reconcile all this? If I feel, I hit a dead end. If I hit a dead end, I repress. If I repress, I stop caring. If I stop caring, I explode with painful feelings. What do I do?

Well it turned out there's an interesting little trick that my partner just taught me: "what do you feel about those feelings?" With that simple phrase, my partner prompted me over and over with each new set of feelings, until finally I found the will to act and reached out to a friend I hadn't in years!

There is more to this, I'm sure, but I needed to process this new information and document it for the future. Thank you for reading!

[arrgh-whatever]

[fusionpyre]

As an avoidant person with a bpd partner, this really helps. We are two of the worst people to be paired up, but I'm glad things like this exist!

[avoidantblob]

reaching peak avoidant by avoiding the account i made to vent about my avoidant personality disorder because i think other avoidant people looking in the avoidant personality disorder tag will think that i’m weird. this is great. i’m going to get a good grade in avpd, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve

[fusionpyre]

As someone who just made this exact kind of account yesterday, this is extremely validating. Thank you!!!

[fusionpyre]

What is Avoidance?

When I first saw Inside Out, I had a really difficult time understanding Disgust as an emotion. Everyone else I got: I get angry when someone puts things in the wrong place; I'm scared of judgement when I fail to complete an assignment; I'm sad to think about my childhood that I missed out on; and I feel happy when I play D&D.

But disgust? I occasionally feel grossed out by stories of...well, they're not for polite company, but I've felt grossed out. However, it never seemed like something big enough to give a name to. It always seemed to me more a variation of fear or anger. Other than that, I didn't know what else to think of disgust.

Then someone asked me to use a different word; avoidance. Suddenly I understood everything. I avoid things all the time. I avoid boredom I avoid family. I avoid accountability. I avoid thinking about consequences. It's like a special brand of anxiety that I barely even notice because it's so unconscious.

Take right now, for instance; my partner is upset because I'm very emotionally unavailable. Why? Well, that's a long story, but at the heart of it all is avoidance. However, I'm hoping by expressing this to the world that maybe I can have the motivation and encouragement to finally break away from this vicious cycle. Well, start at least.

So welcome to my journey. My name is FusionPyre, but ya'll can call me Sunshine if you wish. I'm going to try and beat this avoidant thing by blasting it to the world.

Thank you for stopping by!

[fusionpyre]

Hello! I will be using this blog to track my journey as I try to grow beyond my avoidant personality. I have some ideas for what that will entail, but I am excited for whatever directiom that ends up being!