life has been weird lately. i’m in an odd place. i don't quite know how to process anything. sometimes it feels as if time is moving so quickly that i don’t even have time to breathe. other times it is moving so slowly, like my life is completely meaningless and stagnant. i’ve been going thru phase after phase, just going thru the motions of life, in such a short amount of time. it seems to me that every month or two i begin to fall back into my old ways, just to change, then go back. i don’t know. i’m just so tired. this is new, actually.
i’ve been in school full time. it’s going alright, i suppose. i’m trying a bit harder this semester. i usually neglect school. i hate going to school a lot of the times. i just want to pass and do well. i want to grow, so i suppose doing well is my only option.
i want to get my degree and then go on to get another degree and maybe another. maybe one day i’ll actually get my practitioner’s degree and certification. i really hope so. i think if i am in a good spot mentally, then i could do it. i sure hope so.
i’ve also been working, still. it’s been nearly two years since i’ve started my career and i’m finally used to the routine. it can actually be a bit boring, if anything. i’m scared i’m not growing and moving along like i should be. i go to work religiously and i try my best at work. sometimes i get nervous that i’m not performing like how everybody expects me to. i get scared that i am disappointing everybody. sometimes it feels like i’m burning out quickly and i start to question of whether or not that is normal, or if i should push myself harder to keep going. i don’t want to regress all my progress thus far.
i recently booked a vacation to california. i’m going in july and i hope it’ll be just like my hopes, if not better. i can’t wait to feel the warm summer sun and cool breeze. i can’t wait to escape this reality and be able to finally feel free. i want to stand on the coast and feel the sand under my feet and the water on my legs. the wind blowing my hair gently. looking around and just seeing new sights and new people. morning hikes, beautiful flowers wisping away, and just being happy & seeing all the beautiful sights. ah. i can’t wait. it’ll be great, i hope. it’ll be a big change for once.
i’ve also started reading the bible, as well. i’m in matthew 18. it’s still early. i hope this brings me some sense of realization and helps widen my life perspectives. it makes me think more. i think i kind of enjoy it. religion has never been a big part in my life, but maybe it’ll become one. it’s something new.
i haven't been talking to my friends lately. i wonder if they still like me, sometimes. they’re probably just busy. i hope they’re doing well. most of them are working and/or in college. i don’t like to bother them, it feels like i am a burden to them sometimes.. if anything. i wonder if they think about me also.
i’m planning on maybe buying a house in a year and a half or so. i hope i can. it’ll be my next step, i think. it’ll be mine. my place. sometimes i think it'll be lonely but that’s okay. there’s always something to be done. i’ll keep myself busy.
as for my love life, ah.. wow. i don’t even know what to say. i’ve spent the last 8-9 months going thru a rollercoaster of love. i went from being with somebody i thought was the love of my life and my soulmate to getting my heart absolutely shattered. ghosted after 2 blissful years together. i didn’t know how to respond. i fell into a deep depression that i’m still battling. i waited for months. i waited for him to come back. i fell into coping with smoking, alcohol, self harm, and irresponsible/meaningless sex. i lost all of my morals. i wasn’t happy- just busy. i hurt people on the way. i feel so bad. he hurt me again, not to mention. i hurt my best friend. i hurt somebody who loves me. i’m a bad person for that. lately, for the past few months, though.. i’ve started to spend time with somebody very sweet. he is very nice and he makes me smile. not to mention, his smile. so nice. honestly, i feel like something is different with him. he looks out for me, cares about me, and thinks about me. he’s responsible, ambitious, intelligent, pretty funny, and just the type of person i want to be. i’m falling for him so slowly, which is weird for me. maybe it wasn’t meant to be one of those immediate, earth-shattering things. it’s slow. it’s steady and it’s refreshing. my life hasn’t been put on hold, and i hope that’s okay. i think i could see myself being with him for a long time. he’s the type of person i could grow with and become old with. my family loves him, too.
i guess for the last piece, i’ll end with something. it is almost my 21st birthday. 21 years of life. it’s hard to believe i’ve even made it this far. i never thought i’d reach 18. then, i never thought i’d reach 20. i thought i’d be married by now, or a mother. i thought things would’ve been a lot more different than they actually are. i don’t know if that’s a bad thing, or a good thing. either way, i’m here now. and even after typing all this nonsense, i’m still confused. i thought this all would help me understand myself better. but, it doesn't.
tangentwithtanner
prguitarman
origamiaround
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pixelskylines
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