Cornered

Hey. I'm Gabriel, FtM trans, gay. This blog is about everything I love (mostly Mass Effect) and hate (being trans). I'm trying to write something all the time, so you can find small snippets here and I'm learning how to draw so maybe even more embarrassment from that site later, too.

[bagog]

How about the ones you haven't answered yet?

Oh boy… wow. Here we go. Thanks!

3. What is your absolute favorite kind of fic to write?

I love writing fluffy romance and angsty romance, becauseI like love, adn am often depressed, but want to be otherwise.

4. Are there any other fic writers you admire? If so, who and why?

Yes. I mean, basically all of them? Love people who write. I’ve been pretty outspoken about my favorite authors before, so I hope you won’t hate me for being general.

Specifically, I admire people who don’t consider themselves ‘writers’ and don’t see ‘writing’ as a hobby. People who get excited about what they’ve seen and read and see a void and start creating with whatever scraps of time and whatever baggage the think they bring to the table. I admire them so much.

6. First fic/pairing you wrote for? (If no pairing, describe the plot)

MShenko. Basically. Never went back…

8. Why do you choose to write?

…shit.

What a question. How do I answer this? In general, I write because I have questions, and they probably can’t get answered. But the best bet is sharing the question, and a story is the best way I know to share a question with the world. Reading other people’s questions helps you narrow own your own, until it’s so specific, you’re content with not knowing the answer. I write to be content. That sounds pretty pretentious… Oh well. No one is reading this.

9. Do you ever have plans to write anything other than fic?

Yeah, write things other than fic. I do poetry and essays and short stories and have a couple novels.

12. A fic you wish you had written better, and why?

Ugh. All of them. 

One that pops to mind is Sleeper Pods which was originally written as about 20 VERY tiny snippets. All of them play together, thematically and vaguely chronologically. I wish I had put more thought into it from the start.

13. Favorite fic from another author?

The one that jumped to mind immediately was

Space Hamster @gabriel-js. Just such a great mix of the feels, laughs, and romance. Just gets everything balanced so nicely, it’s just so PLEASANT to read. Mmm. So nice.

14. Your favorite side pairings to put in?

Samantha Traynor/Diana Allers is my favorite thing to sneak into as many fics as possible in the background. I love those two being together.

15. Your guilty writing pleasure?

Happy Endings. I’ll tie myself in knots and delay writing for months to try to write a happy ending. Wait, is that what’s meant by ‘guilty pleasure?’

Oh, no, the decadent thing I do because I just don’t care. Umm… Surrealist prompts.

17. Would you describe yourself as a fast writer?

No, but then someone insisted, so now I do.

19. Why did you start writing?

I started writing as a kid because I felt like I wasn’t able to be understood, I think every kid feels like that. Some people join stuff to find a place, and I thought you had to KNOW your place before ‘joining’ so I started writing so I could figure myself out.

[gabriel-js]

WOW! Thank you bagog. That means a LOT to me.

[gabriel-js]

He

He was thinking a lot about writing thas but then decided to have it. He was going through some awful stuff and he didn't know if he can make it. He used to believe he would, then he hoped he could, later he didn't care and lately he simply didn't know. Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn't. He felt depressed. He felt helpless. He felt hopeless. He felt worthless. But he reached out to complete strangers to help them today. Just like that. Because they needed some help. Any help. And he did well. He was told he had done well today. He wished to feel it.

[bagog]

Touch

Lonely

++

“I mean, you know I don’t really care one way or the other if you date a dude or not—I mean, I think it’s wrong, obviously. But I mean, in practice I don’t really mind. But now that the two of you are broken up, it’s worth thinking about just not seeing dudes anymore, right, Kev?”

“What kind of sense does that make?”

“Kev, listen, I’d like to think I’m your best friend, right? So I dunno, maybe you just wanna listen to what I have to say.”

“Just… I don’t get what you’re getting at.”

“I mean, call me biased here, but you and Lilly, back when you were dating? It seemed like she was just right for you, man.”

“Dating Lilly was a mistake. I’m gay, dude. I shouldn’t have, but I was scared. I was closeted. I… liked Lilly a lot but—“

“That’s what I’m saying. What’s it really mean to be gay, huh Kev? You liked Lilly a lot, maybe you even loved her. Intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally, she was 10/10. Just because you weren’t physically attracted to her, you aren’t going to give it a chance?”

“I wasn’t attracted to her at all, dude! That’s not fair to her. And… dammit, it’s not fair to me, either!”

“So, what? She was a 30/40, then, right? Three outta four compatability factors at 100%. What are the odds you’re gonna meet a dude—what are the odds anyone’s gonna meet anyone—that scores that high? This guy, you were… like… interested in him in a gay way, maybe what? 4/10? He wasn’t that big of a looker, I guess, but I’m not like that. And he maybe hit solid sixes across the other categories?”

“That isn’t… at all… how relationships work, how can you—“

“How do you know, Kev? Only relationships you been have been with Lilly and then the gay test-drive with this dude.”

“…It’s important for me to be physical with the person I’m with…”

“So you’re one of those people who think that sex is the most important part of a relationship, is that it?”

“No! But it is an important part!”

“Why can’t you look past appearances, man? That’s like me breaking up with my girl just because she puts on a little weight or has a break-out or something. That’s pretty weird if you put that much stock in appearances. That’s exactly that frat-boy mentality.”

“…it’s not just sex though. Physical affection… that means something to me.”

“I mean, you could cuddle with Lilly.”

“It’s not the same.”

“Sure it is.”

“It isn’t.”

“How is it different? I know she wanted to like, snuggle and stuff.”

“…I haven’t been out of the closet for long and… I’d been hiding for a really long time. I can’t believe I’m actually telling you this, but it feels good to be out. And… it’s a big part of my life. A huge part of who I am and a big… accomplishment. I want to be with someone I can share that with, and I can’t always put it into words. The only way to really celebrate that is… to just… touch someone. To be close. To hold someone I care about who cares about me too.”

“That doesn’t make any sense, man. And honestly, I never took you for one of those ‘Pride Parade Queers’ who make your whole life about which direction your lust goes. Weird man.”

[gabriel-js]

Yeah.

[gabriel-js]

Hollow

He realized he had no life. Not really. And the realization was so strong he felt he could drown in it and die. Figuratively. Literally. He didn't care. He felt lost and hollow and tired to his bones. He would like to tell somebody. Maybe ask for help? Finally. Too late. But he knew there was nobody to confess because he had no friends either. He didn’t have them for a long time, now. He would probably go so far to cry but tears weren't coming to him. So empty he was. He closed his eyes and listened to the rain drops falling on the roof and windows. He liked the sound. It went well together with his mood. Appropriate. The idea that maybe heaven was crying instead of him - for him - crossed his mind and he gave a small smile for a brief moment. He liked the idea even if he knew it wasn't true. He prayed the night before and it fell hollow exactly as he was feeling. So probably his faith left him, too. The absence of self-pity was all new to him and he wondered if it was the sign of him loosing himself completely or if it was just the lack of energy for creating the emotion itself. It didn’t matter. Not anymore.

It was raining outside.

[shepard-alenko]

There was no in-between for him. It was either all, or nothing. (insp)

[bagog]

Lonely

“Hi mom, it’s Kev.”

“Kevin, hi! Well it’s been so long, I’ve left a lot of messages. We weren’t expecting to hear from you.”

“Yeah. Sorry about that.”

“You alright, sweetheart? You don’t sound too good.”

“I, umm. I’m okay. I… My… boyfriend and I broke up a couple nights ago. And it’s… I’m still a little upset.”

“…Oh.”

“Yeah so my mood has been—“

“Your boyfriend.”

“Uh huh.”

“…you told your father and me you weren’t going to pursue a ‘boyfriend.’”

“I just… met a guy I liked.”

“Oh Kevin. We pray for you all the time…”

“You know what, mom? It was good. It was just nice, okay? And… it hurts now that’s it’s over, okay?”

“Kevin, when you told us you were attracted to… members of your own gender we talked about—“

“This was a mistake, I shouldn’t have—“

“—Kev, sweetheart, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I just… we’re so worried for you. I know that temptation can be hard to resist… but maybe the fact that it ended is God’s way of showing you that it wasn’t right to begin with. His way of breaking you out of a bad situation when you didn’t have the will-power to break out yourself.”

“Mom that’s not far, okay? You didn’t say then when any of Stacy’s boyfriends broke up with her. It can’t—“

“—are you crying? Oh, honey—“

“—it can’t be different for the two of us!”

“Oh it isn’t, sweetheart. No. Not at all. It’s always God’s plan. He has promised He will always take care of you, that He will always work for the good of those who love Him. You know, those boyfriends Stacy had before she met her husband, the Lord knew those weren’t right for her. He did. And He knew that a boyfriend isn’t right for you.”

“But she found her husband…”

“Not everyone does. That’s not the Lord’s plan for everyone. And it’s not the Lord’s plan for you.”

“Mom, I…”

“…I know it hurts, sweetheart. And I’m so sorry. Break-ups can be hard. But just know that however you stumble into temptation, the Lord is always waiting with open arms for you. He is showing you that his love is enough for you.”

“I’m lonely.”

“I know, but don’t let the devil pull you into that despair. You’ll never have a wife—erm, partner—a ‘life partner’ in God’s sense, not like what the world calls a ‘life partner’ or a ‘civil union.’ You won’t have that like your brothers and sisters do. But God will show His love in your life in ways you can’t even imagine. He loves you. We love you. No matter how often you stumble—in this sin like in any sin, just like we do with all our children—we’ll always welcome you back.”

[gabriel-js]

It’s so strong. I hate it. And I love it. Both. So much.

[gabriel-js]

Mass Effect snippets: Eager

Shepard honestly thought that all of that was nonsense. Why the hell would he need some special day to show Kaidan his love? Nonsense. He was devoted to worshiping his boyfriend every single day. Starting with making huge breakfast and cup of rich coffee with sugar and cream for him. Kaidan had never been a morning person and he became only worse after the Reapers War. Shepard loved it. It gave him the opportunity not only to cook mentioned breakfasts, he could also watch Kaidan sleeping. Oh man and he did watch him. Major looked different while asleep. Somehow softer, gentler and even calmer, believe it or not. His teddy bear. John smiled and re-arranged the flatware on the table for what felt like millionth time. It looked still the same. Shepard sighed and turned the vase holding fresh flowers. It was difficult to get them. And he even didn’t know if Kaidan liked flowers. Wasn’t he silly? Bloody Valentine. Should it be according to him, they would have good old steak and few bears in front of TV. But Kaidan cared a great deal about spending their first Valentine properly, so John did his best to surprise him. When he heard the apartment door being unlocked, he quickly lighted the candles and dimmed the lights in their dining room. He gave it one last glance. It really looked quite nicely.

Kaidan entered into the room and his beautiful whisky brown eyes grew wider.

"Happy Valentine’s day, Kaidan," Shepard took two steps toward him to kiss him softly on his lips.

"Shepard," Kaidan breathed his name with such a gentleness and love. Then his lips curled upwards and he chuckled. "You know…" he was reluctant, but smiling, "it’s tomorrow."

"What?" John demanded, confused what Kaidan was talking about.

"The Valentine’s day. It’s tomorrow."

Shepard’s shoulders sank. He was so eager to make it perfect for Kaidan. Could he really misplaced the holiday? He reached behind Kaidan to intensify the lightning again, but Major stopped him.

"Don’t."

"But…"

"No,” he looked into his eyes and held the gaze. "I love you. Every day."

Shepard heart clenched, in a good way this time.

"I love you more."

[gabriel-js]

Fandom: Mass Effect Rating: General Audiences Warnings: None Beta: - Relationship: Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard Characters: Kaidan Alenko, John Shepard Summary: ME3 London, Kaidan and Shepard say their goodbye.

Note: My Shepard DID ensure Kaidan that he would wait for him. But then I saw the video with Shepard not saying that and... I wasn’t able to stop thinking about it.

[gabriel-js]

I’m not able to write. It’s killing me. There is a short story on the tip of my tongue. And I’m not able to write.

IT’S KILLING ME.

[singingwithoutwords]

I see a lot of positivity posts about 12-year-olds just learning to draw.  Posts cautioning us to be mindful of 11-year-olds with no grasp of anatomy and 13-year-olds whose characters are all the same person with different hair and clothes, and I love those posts.  Those are great posts.  Keep those posts coming, tumblr.

But can I ask, what about the 25-year-old who just bought their first ever sketchbook?  What about the 32-year-old who’s been drawing for a month and has just about got the hang of a human-looking face?  What about the 67-year-old who finally has time to sit down and learn how to paint like they’ve always wanted?

Not everyone starts drawing as a child.  Not everyone learned as a preteen.  Some people start in college.  Some people start when their career is going well and they feel like it’s time for a new hobby.  Some people start after they’ve retired.

Not all beginner artists are kids, and I just thing the adults ones deserve some encouragement, too.

[gabriel-js]

True story. I’ll be 31 pretty soon and I started like few weeks ago? :)

[gabriel-js]

Mass Effect snippets: Apartment

The apartment was huge. Shepard had been busy speaking with somebody via omni-tool so he just let Kaidan in and smiled. 'Look around,' he mouthed voicelessly and refocused fully on the person on the other end of line again. It felt strange to wander around alone but it could take Shepard another half an hour or so and Kaidan needed to entertain himself in the meanwhile. Not that watching Shepard pace back and forth wasn't fun. Kaidan simply didn't want to be so obvious. And there was a lot for admiration. 'About the apartment,' Kaidan admonished himself and moved to the open space of living room. Immediately he believed that the sofa in front of the fire place would be his favorite spot in Shep's new home. And fifteen minutes later he learned that there was actual Jacuzzi in one of many bathrooms. Wicked smile curled his lips up. Yeah. This!

"You know, we should test it," Shepard whispered right into Kaidan's ear and Major leaned back to press himself in Shepard’s arms.

"What do you waiting for? Get naked," he answered without much thinking, smile audible clearly in his voice.

"You first."

[gabriel-js]

I decided to try fandom that’s completely unknown to me. Just for fun, or maybe I was curious about my favorite authors writing something else than ME. So I went for Addicted To You by @ltleflrt. Drunk and horny Warlock who knows how to summon a succubus with Castiel/Dean Winchester relationship? Sounds like fun, doesn’t it? 

I told myself that I would quit as soon as the story would became difficult to understand because of my lack of context/characters knowledge. Do you think it happened? No way. 24 chapters, 120 482 words and I was glued to my Kindle as if my life depended on it. Such a great story! Guess what? I realized I needed to have a look at the Supernatural series… And I was soooo disappointed by the first episode. Like… Ltleflrt’s stories is so much better! Why should I even watch this? Hahaha. And that’s probably the end of my new fandom’s exploration. Back to ME.

[ltleflrt]

Wow, dipping your toes in a new fandom for me? I am delighted and humbled.

Also not surprised that the show didn’t live up to expectations after reading an AU lol. Especially since Cas doesn’t show up until season 4!

Oh well, maybe our fandoms will line back up again when ME Andromeda comes out :D

[gabriel-js]

I didn’t realize it’s AU so when I learned Dean isn’t really gifted with magic and that people aren’t commonly familiar with supernatural thing and creatures, I was ... sad? Instead of watching more episodes I went and re-read the story once again. :)

[gabriel-js]

I decided to try fandom that's completely unknown to me. Just for fun, or maybe I was curious about my favorite authors writing something else than ME. So I went for Addicted To You by @ltleflrt. Drunk and horny Warlock who knows how to summon a succubus with Castiel/Dean Winchester relationship? Sounds like fun, doesn't it? 

I told myself that I would quit as soon as the story would became difficult to understand because of my lack of context/characters knowledge. Do you think it happened? No way. 24 chapters, 120 482 words and I was glued to my Kindle as if my life depended on it. Such a great story! Guess what? I realized I needed to have a look at the Supernatural series... And I was soooo disappointed by the first episode. Like... Ltleflrt's stories is so much better! Why should I even watch this? Hahaha. And that's probably the end of my new fandom’s exploration. Back to ME.

[gabriel-js]

You totally should come join us for the BB... it's fun =)

I believe it is! I crave joining at least two years now. Usually I fell victim to one (or all) of these thoughts: 

I’m not able to write anything good enough.

I’m not able to write anything long enough.

I’m not able to write anything at all.

I’ll miss my deadline.

People will hate me.

But I DO want to join SO much. :)

[azzydarling-deactivated20230731]

As the admin of the BB who deals with the authors, I can tell you that you are absolutely not alone with any of those thoughts and worries. If you miss your deadline, I am the one who is in the other end to remind you, and come on, it’s just me! I’m not scary.

And I am every author of the BB’s best friend *laughs, seriously though you can always email me asking for input or help (with anything but grammar). Some authors have sent me their story all through the process. To write a BB can be a lonely process because you can’t post anything before your deadline and ergo can’t get any feedback - that’s where I come in. You are also welcome to send me your plotsheet and ask for input. My purpose is to encourage the authors to meet the goal, and I will actually go to relatively great lengths to do that. 

But we have this rule that you have to finish your story before the artists come in over for the same reason, because if you have to give up you won’t leave a partner hanging out there. So if you can’t write anything you won’t let anyone down but yourself. But imagine how good you’d feel if you managed to write a BB? 

So to answer you, if you have to drop out no one will know besides you and me, and of course you won’t miss your deadline, and most important no one will hate you or your story. The BB is about meeting other fans, and uniting in creating something really unique because we love mass effect. There is no quality control or personality screening - with other words, don’t worry so much. 

You can always send me a PM or email me and I can help you out with a plot.

[gabriel-js]

You have really amazing ability to reassure insecure author, you know? 

Okay, I’ll do MEBB this year, because @azzydarling said so. :)

[gabriel-js]

You totally should come join us for the BB... it's fun =)

I believe it is! I crave joining at least two years now. Usually I fell victim to one (or all) of these thoughts: 

I’m not able to write anything good enough.

I’m not able to write anything long enough.

I’m not able to write anything at all.

I’ll miss my deadline.

People will hate me.

But I DO want to join SO much. :)

[gabriel-js]

Fandom: Mass Effect Rating: General Audiences Warnings: None Beta: - Relationship: Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard Characters: Kaidan Alenko, John Shepard, Space Hamster Summary: Kaidan is a bit annoyed with Shepard after their last mission and he's going to give John piece of his mind. But then he's distracted and... ... you need to read the story to to know what will happen next.

Note: I’m so glad I was able to write something longer than 300 words that I don’t know what to do with all the happiness. Haha.

[mebigbang]

It’s that time again!

Time to poll all of you lovely people and start thinking of another MEBB! We’ve been feeling the Mass Effect itch lately - hopefully you have, too!

Don’t know what the MEBB is or want to know more about how it works? Check out our FAQ! 

What is the MEBB?

It’s an author and artist collaboration event! First one batch signs up and creates a story or art, depending on if we’re running a reverse big bang or not, and then when they’re finished, the other group signs up and claims a story/art description that appeals to them! It’s all done anonymously.

So head on over and fill out the poll!

[gabriel-js]

Maybe this year finally?