“Might have been better than accepting a burden you know you can’t carry,” Jazz says. “I can carry it.” Optimus Prime says.
Jazz nods. “I believe you can. But not unless you stop grieving over every soldier who is going to die in this war. You’ll never survive that.”
“Jazz.” Optimus Prime turns on his friend, a fierce light on his face. His passion is awakening, his consciousness developing to encompass the enormity and importance of his role. “I will grieve every Autobot and every innocent who dies. That is what separates me from Megatron.” (Exodus)
Before I begin: I’m not interested in making moral judgements here or debating whether Optimus was wrong or right. I’m merely making observations and exploring Optimus’ struggle with the loss and taking of lives.
“Every Autobot and every innocent”
The conversation above happened after the first battle of the war during which Optimus had to make the strategic decision to not answer the call for help from the outnumbered Autobot forces who were blindsided by the surprise Decepticon attack. It’s reasonable to think that Optimus was angry at this point and felt little-to-no pity for Decepticons this early in the war. Either that or he was lying to Jazz by omitting Decepticon lives so as not to appear “weak.”
Optimus Prime looks up from a battle chart he has just received from Jazz, who immediately rejoined the battle, holding back a Decepticon advance over a ridge at the southwestern hook of the Hydrax Plateau. Streaking energy discharges crisscross the skies overhead. The Autobot position is precarious. Drixco vaults the dying body of an Autobot—who before the war was a maintenance worker at Six Lasers, and joined the Autobots because of the Decepticon attack on the park—and Optimus Prime sees him coming. He levels his ion cannon and blows Drixco apart, never knowing his name. Never knowing his reasons for pledging himself to the Decepticon insurgency. Never knowing Drixco’s origin because all that mattered in the moment was his end.
After killing this anonymous Decepticon, Optimus Prime will realize that once and for all he has committed himself to the course of war.
He would have preferred—he always said this to me, and I believe it—he would have preferred to reason with the opposition, but that was never possible. And having killed once, he nearly felt that the killing was itself evidence that he was on the wrong side. For what right side in this conflict could demand the killing of fellow Cybertronians?I do not think Optimus Prime has yet found that answer, or ever will. (Exodus)
One of Optimus’ gifts is taking time to think to grasp the bigger picture. It weighed heavily on him that he had been required to snuff an enemy’s spark without ever knowing him, his origins, or his motives for fighting.
When under attack from an assailant, there is no time to reason with them—to think things through. Optimus had to learn to suppress the curious, investigative part of himself that wondered about the lives he took every time he went into battle.
Didn’t You See the Flowers?
Megatron, thought Optimus Prime, probably would have killed Ransack where he stood. But that was one of the many differences between him and Megatron. Every death Optimus Prime had ever caused still weighed on his conscience; Megatron had become so identified with killing that it was the only way he understood power. (Exiles)
I know the spark flower concept is an IDW thing, but I believe it can apply here too:
Optimus never lost sight of the flowers that sprang up around him while Megatron chose to ignore them.
I also find it interesting that this isn’t the first time Optimus compared himself to Megatron, almost as if he had been trying to reassure himself that he was not like Megatron. That he was better somehow.
The Thrill of the Fight; The Pain of the Kill
Optimus Prime, if he was honest with himself, had to acknowledge that he thrilled to the moment of combat, but he regretted every death he had caused, and every one who had died in the long war, and every one who would die. (Exiles)
By this point, it’s well-established that Optimus grieved every life lost, regardless of faction or lack thereof.
However, when I first read this in Exiles, I admit I was slightly taken aback.
Optimus Prime? Enjoying combat?
Megatron and Optimus are vastly different, but they’re also similar in subtle ways. Their reasons for fighting were different, and Optimus detested death while Megatron didn’t care, but one thing they did have in common was enjoying the adrenaline rush of running into a battle with purpose and resolve.
I think of IDW Perceptor—another passive, “nerdy” character who shocked his comrades by taking up arms and taking part in the fighting. Neither he nor Optimus were considered warlike in any way and hated the idea of taking lives, but that didn’t mean they were unwilling to fight. After all, even a worm will turn.