sick sad bones

🦋anorexic🦋 | 🏳️‍🌈 | anxious | rotten inside my safe space. don't report just block.

[bravelittlepixel]

Hi I’m a piece of shit welcome to my blog

[slowfalter]

I tried to write a love letter to my body

For therapeutic purposes

But I wasn’t ready

I cannot see the beauty

In all the things you do for me

I would be lying if I said

Your thighs don’t kind of scare me

But I don’t have hate for you

More just unfair expectations

I wish I could feel differently

Dear body,

I’m afraid I still don’t love you

But truly, I am sorry.

[gaynorexic-posts]

TW vent

This is an absolute fucking nightmare. Bout a year ago i was at my lowest and almost died. Literally, i wouldn't have survived another day if i wasn't dragged into a hospital. Weeks of IV-feeding. Many panic attacks. Somehow trying to survive. And managing. Then i went to treatment. At first, it went somewhat well, but the ed started to take over really quickly again. I missed the moment to fully commit to my treatment team, to be honest with them. However, with my extremely low weight (BMI <12) i still gained. Months passed. And i am normal weight. But after i got released, it happened, i overshot my probable setpoint weight by about 10lbs, and it feels like hell. So what do i do? I starve myself again. But here's the thing: if you've been malnourished for so long and been significantly underweight for such a long time, your body will do EVERYTHING to keep that regained bodyfat. No matter what i do, i don't lose weight, i don't gain muscular tissue despite exercise. I know damn well that i'd have to eat normally again for my body to regain trust, and shedding the overshoot weight, but i think i missed that point too. So i find myself in this flesh prison again, now heavier than ever, stuck in these behaviours i fought so hard last year in order to survive again. I'm too ashamed to admit it to my therapist/psychiatrist. Because i am a fuck up, and now i can't even lose weight anymore. It's all been taken from me, and it's all my fault. If i had fully committed to recovery, i probably wouldn't be here on tumblr again. I hate myself for it. I should've been honest with my treatment team, honest with myself, or should've just died. This is almost unbearable. This isn't a life worth living.

[remanence-of-love]

[gaynorexic-posts]

* chuckles * words can't even describe how much i hate myself😙

[artbylittlebug]

[gaynorexic-posts]

Yk what? Why don't you just put a gun to my head and pull the f*cking trigger.

[heavensghost]

There were times I was kind when I should have been cruel and times I was cruel when I should have been kind.

[sweatermuppet]

[gondwana]

Only resolution for 2025 is MAXIMUM COMMITMENT TO MAXIMUM PLEASURE

[gondwana]

And I don't mean it in the bed rotting jacking off all day 20mg edible way I mean it in the forcing myself to go on walks even though I'm tired and making concentrated time for art and cooking a new recipe once a week even though it'll break me out of my carefully memorized weekly shopping list routine and sincerely believing that my life is slowly but surely evolving into my perfect vision . Type of way .

[perfectfeelings]

“You don’t have to explain your dreams, they belong to you.”

— Paulo Coelho

[gaynorexic-posts]

I can't feel my body, don't know what's real, is this all a dream? I don't think, just see, see the things that happened flashing through my head. I'm there, where it all happened, so many times. I'm ruined forever. Poisoned, but there's no medication. I'm falling, deep down in a black hole, waiting to be ripped apart - but nothing happens. I'm just blank, completely numb, while there's a storm raging inside of me. The duality of suffering. I can only express it by hurting myself. And i'm afraid that i'll never get rid of it. I know that it won't just go away, and that, in the best case, i'll be able to handle it, the shame, the guilt that his dirty fingers left on me, in me. But haven't i suffered enough already? When is it going to be enough? WHEN?

They said i didn't deserve any of this. But it seems to me that i'm meant to be in this endless pain.

L, stay away from me. I don't want you to get poisoned by my misery. I love you, although you don't know it, and you'll never do i reckon. Please just go, be safe, live happily. Please... I'm so done.

Crying like a bitch, here on the internet. But the digital void is the only one really listening. I can't hurt my loved ones when i'm just showing this unmasked me in a safe space. Out there, nothing is safe. Nobody is. For me.

Let me go already...

[gaynorexic-posts]

It's all my fault. I should've been fighting more. Saying no wasn't enough. Maybe i deserved it

[gaynorexic-posts]

Dissociating

[gaynorexic-posts]

i just want it all to stop

[bloodofjuno]

Meme by & @/whotfisjovana on twitter

[gaynorexic-posts]

Vent

I wanna rip my fucking skin off. I wanna cut off all the fat that is hanging from my body. I'm enormous. A few days ago i actually felt okay about my body, but since yesterday I see an overweight, worthless blob every time i look in the mirror. I'm burning from the inside while having to pretend that everything is fine. I see pther people, and they are pretty with their normal weight, they look awesome, well proportioned, but i look like i'm deformed, like there is something deeply wrong with me. I wanna set myself on fire so everything burns away until there's nothing left but ash. Erase myself. Finally be at peace. This suffering is never going to end.