DIY GUY

he/him | bi/aceflux trans man | this blog is to document my transition.

[genderfuck-demon]

just another twenty-something Transgender. this blog is mainly to document my transition, vent about trans stuff, and maybe help others with any questions they might have, or compare your changes with mine, idfk.

[mtfoss]

We need a digital archive of LGBTQ+ works of art, science, and every other conceivable work we can share between each other because we are beyond the genocide warning level in most countries in the west and they're already trying to purge us from libraries.

[mtfoss]

If other people are interested I'll make this a priority

[cannilyuncanny]

Speaking as someone with a background in archives, stuff like this does already exist. No need to reinvent the wheel. Creating an archive and making sure it's accessible and searchable and actually preserves things for the long time (especially digital things) is actually a huge undertaking. Show some love to these already existing collections and maybe even consider contributing. There's the Digital Transgender Archive off the top of my head. I know more I just have to think.

[cannilyuncanny]

The History Project, based in Boston, is an LGBTQ+ community archive that's existed for decades. Many of their collections are digitized.

The Lesbian Herstory Archives, based in Brooklyn, is similar.

The Digital Public Library of America covers a great many topics, but they also have LGBTQ+ stuff.

I'd also recommend searching "lgbtq+" and "libguide" in your preferred search engine. Many universities list helpful resources and databases, some of which are freely accessible.

Many public and academic libraries in the US and Canada (not sure where you're writing from) subscribe to the Gale Archives of Sexuality and Gender. If you have a library card or are a student at a given library, you can access it for free.

In general, I'd really recommend searching around to see how you can support existing museums, community archives, college and university archives, etc that specialize in LGBTQ+ history and media local to you, whether that's in your same town or regionally.

[closet-keys]

Adding--

The Queer Newark Oral History Project (QNOHP) records interviews with LGBTQ Newarkers about their lives, makes their stories accessible to academic and community-based researchers, students, and artists; sponsors innovative programming that bridges the community and campus, spreads awareness of oral history methods, and commemorates the community's elders.

[genderfuck-demon]

13 Months on T

i haven't noticed anything significantly different since last update, but I have recently noticed that I don't cry so easily anymore, which is a great fucking relief for me bc im very prone to emotional dysregulation due to bpd.

my voice keeps cracking with all the grace of a 13 year old going through puberty. i've been working out, so im hoping to gain muscle soon so i can be stronger than my older brothers out of spite. my appetite has increased slightly too.

hm..yea that's about it for now

[genderfuck-demon]

hi there! I recently found your blog and really appreciate you sharing your experiences while on T. I’m nonbinary/transmasc and living in the US and have been heavily considering starting T. I was wondering if you knew of any free or  affordable gender therapy services? thank you sm in advance, and no worries if you can’t answer this ofc :)

hello im sorry for the EXTREMELY late reply. blame tumblr for never having notified me. anyway, i don't live in the US, but i have a friend who does who just started T like a month ago and he's signed up with Folx Health. it seems pretty neat from what i've heard. they've got 1-on-1 telehealth visits plus

Automated prescription refills and lab reminders

Unlimited messaging w your clinician

Discreet shipping to your door

Letters for name change and/or gender marker change

HSA/FSA eligible

New Testosterone plan is $139/mth and for Maintenance (after 1 year) it's $89/mth

[genderqueerdykes]

i love trans men who love being masculine. don't be embarrassed or ashamed, it's good if you enjoy stereotypically masculine things. it's good if you like to work out, hunt or fish, camp, hike, enjoy working on cars, do or enjoy manual labor or blue collar work, enjoy physical activity, like or play sports, aspire to be a father, and so on. it's good if you are very masculine and enjoy and embrace your masculinity. masculinity has its place in our community and we should uplift the people who embrace, embody, and enjoy it

[genderfuck-demon]

after having spent the entirety of the new year's vacation being misgendered whenever i went out, today, my fellow allies and enemies, i have acquired: PASSING PRIVILEGE

[genderfuck-demon]

Do other transmascs ever wish they were a girl? is that just me??

like do you ever read or see something that makes you go "Damn, I wish I could be part of this world and actually identify with it but i just can't no matter how much i've tried before," and it sort of drives me a little crazy sometimes bc in a way, this is what i should've been. but something just didn't click right. but it's still something i used to be, that i am not anymore. idk it's so hard to put into words. but i just wanna know.

am i alone in this??

[mygenderismushroom]

I kinda get what you’re saying. I’m not out yet to a lot of people, but I’ve recently been thinking about coming out to more people. I’m just a bit scared that when I interact with my female friends, they won’t see me in the same way they used to. I’m scared they won’t trust me and that I’ll never feel that sense of community you feel when in a female friend group. Sorry I’ve made this all about how I feel, is that what you’re trying to say, though?

[genderfuck-demon]

i think that's part of it, yes. but i haven't been in a non-queer group of friends since...well, ever now that i think about it. i mean i do and have had straight friends, but most of us were queer. thus, i never felt scared of that kind of rejection from them. but yes, i do feel like a slight alienation starts to happen, not from them towards me, but me from them. like i can't relate to a lot of things, like makeup and hair talk, and pretty clothes, etc. but sometimes i wish i could. but then i remember that i did try all those things and it never worked.

[genderfuck-demon]

December 22, 2022

I've been noticing some real changes recently, so i wanted to write them down right now in case i forget. my voice has been cracking a lot more now. it's annoying and ungraceful af, but it's a really good sign bc it means my voice is dropping. i had been worried it wouldn't drop any further after the 1 year mark, but im glad i was wrong.

also i've been noticing over the past few months that i get these weird, hot sensations sometimes in random spots of my body. the elbow, my hands, a spot on the leg, a spot on my back, etc. i have no idea if that might be T related but google has been absolutely useless. it's not a huge concern for me, so i haven't asked the doctor, but maybe i should.

and lastly, and most annoying of all as an aceflux, but 100% expected bc Testosterone, is...increased libido. thinking with my dick. thirsting and simping left and right. primate fucking instinct to fUck and be fUcked. torturous bliss. oh ardent ambrosia. i am aceflux, universe have mercy on me.

[genderfuck-demon]

12 months on T

not many changes since last month. my hair is definitely thicker, and so are my eyebrows. i like that. my face acne makes me feel crusty and it's so annoying but manageable. it's mostly on the sides of my face and under my chin. i wish i could say i've noticed more changes, but i haven't. little to no muscle gain. still very little appetite. still a narcoleptic insomniac.

overall, im pretty disappointed with how little my voice has dropped since i started T. most guys i've seen on youtube already have such a deep voice by the 1 year mark. my voice has barely gone down. i've dropped maybe...6? 10 notes? other guys drop octaves. i still sound so girlish. maybe it's because i first started with a lower dose and objectively, i understand that the changes would take longer like this. but i can't help being disappointed in myself. i'm not where i wanna be yet, so that's stopped me from celebrating this mark at all.

as for my mood, i suppose it has improved, but i mostly attribute that to the work i've done on my mental health. i try to be as objective and numb as possible. i've been trying my best to eat healthier. i've even been taking vitamins. i started doing push-ups again.

guess that's all for now.

[sceneguts]

[genderfuck-demon]

Do other transmascs ever wish they were a girl? is that just me??

like do you ever read or see something that makes you go "Damn, I wish I could be part of this world and actually identify with it but i just can't no matter how much i've tried before," and it sort of drives me a little crazy sometimes bc in a way, this is what i should've been. but something just didn't click right. but it's still something i used to be, that i am not anymore. idk it's so hard to put into words. but i just wanna know.

am i alone in this??

[genderfuck-demon]

i never thought this would even get any notes at all. im glad im not alone in this weird train feeling even tho it sucks but. yknow what i mean.

[genderfuck-demon]

Do other transmascs ever wish they were a girl? is that just me??

like do you ever read or see something that makes you go "Damn, I wish I could be part of this world and actually identify with it but i just can't no matter how much i've tried before," and it sort of drives me a little crazy sometimes bc in a way, this is what i should've been. but something just didn't click right. but it's still something i used to be, that i am not anymore. idk it's so hard to put into words. but i just wanna know.

am i alone in this??

[genderfuck-demon]

11 months on T

as always, my T journey has been kind of messed up. I missed my shot in August bc i was supposed to get surgery after my Europe trip but then i didn't. so i did my shot at the beginning of September and October. i haven't noticed that many changes. my temper has evened out since July. now im just sorta numb all the time, but that may just be my depression. my hair does feel thicker. i haven't noticed if my voice has gotten deeper, i don't feel like it has, but i am getting voice cracks again which is annoying. but weirdly validating. my eyebrows seem a bit thicker too, which is niice. my face and neck have been breaking out horribly lately which im not a fan of, but it's also mostly my fault bc i suck at keeping up with basic ass hygiene. i've been extremely dysphoric lately. especially bc i was supposed to get surgery this year, but i'll have to wait until maybe january. hhhhh...i guess that's it for now

[genderfuck-demon]

9? Months on T

i haven't kept a very good count, but i am roughly 9 months on T. I stopped around October last year, continued around mid March this year 2022, didn't get a shot in April, but got one when I came back from San Diego in May, got one in June and now July so...according to my guesstimation. that's around 9 months.

My voice is all kinds of fucked up. I am not comfortable with it. It doesn't sound feminine it doesn't sound masculine i just sound like a gremlin but i guess that's normal with all the changes and should deepen and even out with time. I can't sing like i used to, but i can still hit some high notes and some very low notes and that's sexy af i love that for me, can't wait until it gets deeper and sexier. and less gremlin gobliny.

My temper is fucking awful. im angry all the time for absolutely no reason. someone can breathe in my direction and i'll start having murderous thoughts. im like 10 times more aggressive and i feel possessed with anger sometimes, it's awful, but expected, since even before T i've always had a very bad temper. but im trying my best to get it under control.

no dick growth. im upset about that.

hm...that's all the changes i have personally noticed tbh. no more acne than usual, im sweaty but i've always been, no thicker eyebrows, no muscle gain due to my injuries, none of that.

i do feel a bit more at peace. but that might be due to my meds and having cut out a bunch of people and no longer depending on their validation to feel like a person worthy of existing. not that i ever did until now.

i can't wait to skate again and exercise. my knee is still fucking killing me though. im doing physiotherapy but it's a slow progress. as for my wrist, i guess i just have to wait it out.

[genderfuck-demon]

3 months on T

thicc brows. no pic bc im too lazy and depressed but yea theyre nice

bit of face acne. not much

got my first tiny mustache. shaved it immediately. been waiting to do that.

lots of back acne. some of it hurts and it's made binding w a binder impossible so ive been using kt tape

voice cracks started. probably went down like a tone or so. idk i havent checked since last time

gained weight...im now 112lbs. got belly fat. and i hate myself.

Mental/Emotional stuff:

around 1 month sober

back to eating disorder

heavy black/white thinking. balance? don't know her

heavy splitting on some friends

back to being suicidal. feel like everyone hates me/would be better without me. i love everyone so much but im so insignificant. ive failed everyone. ive failed me. my parents. my entire family. all my friends. my pets. everyone...

[genderfuck-demon]

2 Months on T

missed the mark by a few days again, but whatev time is fake. here we go.

Physical Changes

face:

the acne is subsiding which is a huge relief. now it's still annoying, but manageable. it's also a lot less noticeable which is great bc i was scared it would be a lot like it was when i was a teen

eyebrows: 1 month vs 2 months. i think the second one looks smoother bc of the lighting, but tbh i dont see that much of a change

this is probably just my opinion, but i kinda feel like my face looks chubbier. it's probably just my body dysmorphia tho.

voice: dropped a whole tone, went down to an Ab2. now my vocal range is Ab2-C5-A5 (C5-A5=falsetto).

arms: literally nothing's changed. look at these weak ass noodle arms dafuk

chest/abs: not even gonna bother posting a pic bc it's literally the same. i feel fatter tho, which may or may not be true bc ive been eating a more than usual due to random bursts of hunger, followed by not eating much at all due extreme lack of appetite. and also. body dysmorphia. i'll always feel too fat no matter what. im scared i might be falling back into my eating disorder.

peepee: there is noticeable growth. it doesn't hurt anymore.

legs: nothing notable

Emotional Changes:

the usual hormonal BPDish rollercoaster. for a liiitle moment there, for about 3 or 4 days i was a bit stable, but other than that, im the usual mess that i am. splitting on friends, getting furious for no damn good reason, getting paralyzed in fear that i'll be abandoned, screaming, crying, getting wasted and blacking out, feeling such intense pain my chest starts to physically hurt and it's like flames slowly spreading throughout my entire body. going numb for a moment and getting a small break from all the turmoil. Wallowing in that numbness and savoring it like sweet wine. Randomly breaking down again and bursting into tears. crying and crying and crying and not knowing why. feeling on top of the world. i am a king. i am a god. next minute im miserable, worthless trash and deserve nothing but endless grief and sorrow for all eternity. it never ends...

they said T would make me less emotional and more practical but so far...that clearly hasn't happened. i don't regret going on T tho, that's just how i usually am. im just waiting for this particular change bc im so exhausted of feeling everything so intensely.

overall, im pretty comfy with all the changes so far :)

[genderfuck-demon]

i just realized im 2 months on T. missed my mark again bc i forget everything vjdjfjdj but yea...i got that going for me. i'll do a proper update later, rn im tired. i just wanna kinda vent about one thing. im losing my high vocal range, since my voice is getting lower. it's not very noticeable to others, but it is to me. i can't reach notes i used to be able to reach easily. but at least now i can reach the low ones i always wanted to. i guess it's an equal exchange kinda thing. im still sad about it tho. not terribly so but still. singing is a big part of who i am, so ofc it affects me. anyway. im done rambling ghxbsjfj