Totally Random Reblogs

this is my reblogs before I knew how to properly use tumblr

[theweirdwideweb]

[redstonedust]

Have you ever considered turning sideways or perhaps even diagonal?

i consider all possibilities, all the time

[zeta-finnish]

hot women in your area.

[definitely-not-ao3-offical]

Hot enbies in your area

[evilpineapple-offical]

hot men in your area

[imb0ring]

hot organisms in your area

[herobrine-offical]

hot atoms in your area

[ninovium-offical]

yes I am!

[zeta-finnish]

eggs in your area. Beware.

[bordem-offical]

EGGGGGGGGGSSSSSS!!!

[herobrine-offical]

w h a t h a v e y o u d o n e

[the-haiku-bot]

w h a

t h a v e y o

u d o n e

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

[generallyallaroundweirdo]

area man in your area

[theonion]

Historians confirmed Friday that a recent archaeological find in the Judean Hills is an authentic early Christian scroll, one that depicts the previously unknown miracle of Jesus Christ correctly guessing people’s weights just by looking at them. “The papyrus is remarkably well-preserved, with an unbroken Aramaic script that describes Christ strolling through Galilee with a serene smile, calling out, ‘Come forth, all ye people, but for a single coin of silver,’ before closing His eyes and naming a weight that was always accurate within a few shekels,” said biblical scholar Harris Solomon, noting that the scroll depicts a clay jar of small prizes kept beside Christ at all times to be handed out to anyone whose weight He guessed wrong, something that, according to the text, never occurred.

Full Story

[jjs-super-cute-skeleton]

Yeah.

[theonion]

In what researchers are hailing as an incredible breakthrough in the understanding of early childhood development, a study published Friday by the American Academy of Pediatrics concluded that most infants can respond to the rustling of a potato chip bag three weeks after they are born. “Our trials have demonstrated that newborns will startle and react to the crinkling of a Lay’s potato chip bag much sooner than previously thought,” said lead author Dr. Delaney Mueller, adding that infants who participated in his team’s study were far more likely to react to the stimulus of a family- or party-sized bag of chips than a single-serving one. 

Full Story

[theonion]

Reports confirmed that it was not only matters of urgent, universal importance that were addressed during the seven hours in which you slept but also the slight inconveniences and daily headaches endured by the world’s 7.9 billion people: Potholes were filled in, slow internet connections were sped up, commutes were shortened, and small misunderstanding between neighbors were completely sorted out. Sources went on to report that, due a minor oversight that also occurred as you slumbered, your student loans must still be repaid in full and are now subject to a highly predatory ballooning interest rate.

Full Story

[theonion]

[theonion]

[theonion]

A star who has experienced a meteoric rise in right-wing circles, 28-year-old conservative phenom Mason Finley is known solely for wearing a Nazi armband and crying, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Finley amassed millions of conservative viewers on his Discord channel, where the up-and-coming young GOP figure uploaded videos in which he is seen sobbing alone in a room as he sits with a swastika strapped to his arm,” said Republican strategist Gary Woodfall, claiming that despite being virtually unknown even a few months ago, the teary-eyed young man who wears Nazi memorabilia has already appeared at CPAC as well as Turning Point USA summits.

Full Story

[theonion]

In what came as a welcome shock to investors amid recent dips in the global economy, markets reportedly surged Tuesday after President Donald Trump wrote in a Truth Social Post that he’d had sex with an angel. “I AM PLEASED TO REPORT THAT OVER THE LAST TWO DAYS AN ANGEL HAS VISITED ME IN MY SLEEP AND I HAVE HAD VERY GOOD AND PRODUCTIVE SEX WITH IT,” read the lengthy, all-caps post, which with its claims that a heavenly being had done “INCREDIBLE THINGS TO [the president’s] PENIS” immediately sent the S&P 500 soaring 2.1%.

Full Story

[theonion]

Widening their eyes in horror as the blond creature crawled out from behind the curtains in a pair of tattered rhinestone jeans, terrified audience members reportedly watched Tuesday as a haggard Hannah Montana confronted Miley Cyrus on stage during their Disney sitcom’s 20th-anniversary special. “Thought you could get rid of me that easy, did you?” said Montana, speaking in a raspy voice that sounded as if it hadn’t been used in years and caused a speechless Cyrus to stagger backward in fear as the show’s host, Alex Cooper, fled backstage.

Full Story

[theonion]

[theonion]

[mockingbirdreblogs]

so devestated about tumblr crashing in the middle of my fic. my found family multi chapter 200k ficcccc i need to know what HAPPENS

[dark-magician-girl-meets-world]

I tried distracting a vampire by throwing rice at him, but I only had two grains with me so it didn't work. He counted them instantly. Then he asked me what I was even doing with exactly two grains of rice, and I explained how a bowl of rice tastes better if you spread it out over an entire day. I asked him if he was gonna suck my blood but he said no, he just had a lot more questions about the rice thing.

[mysharona1987]