The Trauma Dump

Trans man in his late 20s looking for a more anonymous way to talk about his mental health issues.

[generouswastelandcollector]

Over the course of my life there has been a pattern in my interactions of those closest to me. I over explain things and then the other person gets upset and thinks that I am insinuating that they are stupid. This is especially true in romantic relationships.

The truth is that my head is always full of buzzing thoughts. When I am over explaining, I am often getting these thoughts out and processing them. But then others get annoyed with me and I withdraw and the relationship suffers as I begin masking my ADHD once more.

The older I get, the more I realize that this is the authentic me and I shouldn't be ashamed of that. But I also need to find a healthy outlet for these thoughts, especially when they are actually an anxiety spiral. So I started journaling with just a pen and a 35 cent notebook from target.

It helped me get these thoughts out and follow a thread. This made me realize how much of my self sabotaging and inability to start doing things is due to a sense of perfectionism. I get very upset if something I do isn't perfect and I am very frustrated when I feel like what I am doing isn't perfect. It keeps me from trying any creative hobby or activity because I don't think I can do it well the first time.

I have obviously not conquered this issue. But it has given me the idea to start doing things and sitting with the discomfort until it no longer bothers me.

[generouswastelandcollector]

Something I've been thinking about a lot lately is how bad my cycle of productivity and burn out is. So often I have felt like I can't do anything at all no matter how much I need to. I am starting to realize how much this is linked to pushing myself too hard to keep up with my neurotypical peers. I also realized that I was subconsciously using "productivity" to keep myself from thinking about my past, things that are bothering me, trauma, etc.

This leads me to these burn outs where I keep not doing things that I need to do to feel better (shower, drink water, sleep, read for fun, participate in a hobby, etc.) because my brain thinks I'm not being productive enough if I take time to do these things intentionally instead of multitasking or rushing. Instead, during my free time I lay in bed or sit on my couch and bounce around apps on my phone to keep me distracted from my thoughts and keep feeling bad.

I am starting to force myself to do things that help me recover. But I'm also allowing myself free time without the expectation of doing anything, so that my brain is happy if I do something.

It isn't easy and I fail a lot. But it is helping.

[thezenangel]

how to build a routine 🎀

#1 tip: be realistic! it isn’t realistic to go from not working out, not studying, and not taking care of yourself properly to working out for an hour a day and studying for 6 hours at a time overnight. think: what will you actually be able to do? don’t overdo it, failing an impossible routine immediately will just make you feel bad and you will be less likely to keep trying.

#2: similar to the first, don’t be afraid to start slow. don’t try to go from never working out to working out for an hour every day. it’s perfectly fine to start with 10 minutes a day, then 15, then 20, and so forth. same with things like studying. don’t expect yourself to be able to just jump into studying for hours without a break. start with a little at a time.

#3: goal setting. set specific goals day by day. for example, your goals today could be working out for half an hour, reading one chapter of a book, and finishing a class assignment. of course you may do more than this, but make a list of what you MUST get done today, and start with those things. also, set more than just physical goals. set mental ones as well. for example, you could say your goal for today is to incorporate something into your day that makes you feel fulfilled, whatever that means for you!

#4: as you’re starting out, try to incorporate small things into your routine that will boost your mood and keep you motivated for the rest of the day. for example, take time out of your day to do some yoga, bake, sit outside, pet your animals, whatever you may need to keep you going and finish what you need to get done!

#5: make a list of the things you want to get out of this routine. these things don’t need to have anything to do with the physical acts you want to do, like exercising or finishing a task. you could say things like “i want to learn to nourish my body more” or “i want to learn more about myself and my interests.” what do you want this new routine to do for you? what do you want to feel?

#6: don’t expect to feel motivated all the time. chances are, you will not. but know that discipline is much more valuable than motivation alone. once you make your new routine a habit, you will no longer need to feel “motivated” to get things done, because it will be second nature to you. consistency is key!

#7: realize that it’s okay to not always do as well as you would have liked to. there will be days where you’re not as productive or active as you had wanted to be or had planned to be that day. that is okay. understand that days like these will not ruin your progress, and definitely don’t give up on yourself or your routine because of them. pick yourself back up and come back better and stronger tomorrow.

[snapnarcissisticabuserecovery]

[generouswastelandcollector]

So I guess I should write something here to explain the point of this blog. I am sorry in advance if I ramble or get off topic.

I have suffered a lot of trauma in my life. It has caused me to develop a lot of bad behaviors and poor coping skills. Due to neurodivergence and trauma, I also didn't learn how to be close to others in non-romantic way. I do have some friends, but I struggle to keep up with friendships and have never been close enough to share about what I went through.

I have thought about using other methods of getting things off my chest. However, I don't want overwhelm my husband with trauma dumping all the time (he is wonderful and would support me and listen. But it isn't fair to expect him to do that much emotional labor all the time) and other options like Facebook groups are off the table due to my father liking to use social media to stalk me. Reddit doesn't feel like the right platform either.

So I chose to come here and start this blog. My hope is that I can post here and remain relatively anonymous while having a record of my ups and downs. I also tend to process better when I can put things in writing.